Two Brothers Who would be King {Re-Writing}

[lillydachic]

Before you read: This is a Alternate History Story. I wrote this story when I was 6 for a story contest. I also had to draw pictures for the story at that age so I also didn't add detail because I was young and not good at writing, I just want to get that out there now. I will also add Like Side Stories to this if anyone clearly wished to read them. Any critiques/feedbacks will be taken into account and I will think upon any I receive. Thank you for this eye opener.

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COLORS!

Here is the Colors for Everything if you get confused:

The Story - Grey/Gray
Ahmose - Orange
Harua - Green
The Sorcerer - Blood Red
Professer Alphonse - Violet/Dark Purple

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Long ago, in the year 200 AD, Ancient Egypt, Two brothers were born on a the night of a full moon. Ahmose and Harua, Both were raised to become king, though only one could have the throne. As time passed, Ahmose became their parent's shining star while Harua grew jealous of his brother's actions and attention the people and his parents gave him. Years had flew by and Harua's Envious and jealous feelings had grown so much that he had went and hired a Sorcerer to curse his brother, At night the Sorcerer had snuck into the brother's room and covered his mouth and had tied him down.


Ahmose was awoken from the sound of chanting and the painful feeling of his bones aching, What he was seeing was the Socercer reading from a book as he poured a vial of green liquid onto Ahmose. Ahmose tried to yell for help but no one heard his pleas, Ahmose yelled in pain as his body became detorted enough to where he transformed into a cat. The Sorcerer laughed as he had grabbed Ahmose by the scruff of his neck now and forced down a purple liquid down Ahmose's Throat. "Finally, Your curse is now complete. You have been cursed to live as a cat AND you live as an immortal." Ahmose, when told of this curse he spoke out of anger, "WHO HAD HIRED YOU TO DO THIS?! WHO WOULD DO THIS TO ME?!"


Soon, Harua walked into the room as he had given the Sorcerer the promised gold as Ahmose looked at his brother with pure horror. "Harua, brother. Why have you come to this? What have I done for you to have me cursed in a cruel way?" Harua looked at his brother with cold, cruel, and heartless eyes. "Mother and Father saw you fit to rule after father had passed, I was just as fit as you, they did not see me no, they only saw you." Ahmose was saddened by this fact that his brother was so consumed by jealousy and envy that he would curse his own brother.


When his brother told his parents about his brother who was killed, They hugged Harua and said that he is the only one they have. Ahmose tried to leave his room but was grabbed and stuffed into a bag, the men who stuffed him into a bag walked to the market and gave him to a man who owned most of the market. Centuries had passed, Ahmose had watched as times had changed as an English man by the name of Professor Alphonse Robertson, had taken Ahmose to England and cleaned him up, took care of him, fed him, and then introduced him to his daughter. Little Eliza was her name, curly brown hair, cute little freckles, green peircing eyes. Her giggles were full of innocence, her smile could brighten anyone's day.



Eliza was one day caring for Ahmose when a knock at the door happened, Mr Alphonse answered it with a concerned look on his face. a Sophisticated Egyptian looked a bit nervous as he looked around, "Excuse me, Professer was it? I had heard you found a cat from Egypt on your way back home two years ago." Alphonse looked at him and nodded, "I did indeed, you must be?" The Man looked nervous and sighed as he looked at the cat, "My name is Harua, I am an Egyptotologist. I...also am a re-incarnation of King Harua." Alphonse looked shocked and looked at the cat, wondering what the connection between them.


Alphones let Harua in as he told Eliza to go play outside, observing the man and the cat. "Ahmose, is that...really you?" Ahmose, after so long finally spoke using words instead of meows."Harua...Why have you come here? Have you come to say you have a wonderful time ruining my life? That what you did was the best decision you have ever made?!" Harua shook his head as he looked away, a tear slightly escaped from his eye down his cheek, "I came to ask for forgiveness brother. I was blinded by jealousy, envy, hatred that I ruined everything for mother, father, our people. I ruined many lives for power I could not handle and I did not deserve it. I beg of you to forgive my horrendous act that I had done to you many centuries ago."


Ahmose thought for a bit as he sighed softly, "I had centuries to think about it, That you were consumed, I had no idea that mother and father having me on a pedastol made you feel like you were in my shadow, Harua." Harua looked at Ahmose smiling and more tears formed, holding the paws of his brother, "So you forgive me, Ahmose?" He nods as the sun was setting, A full moon was rising, shining brightly upon Ahmose. Ahmose's body was glowing as he began to be lifted from the couch, Harua and Alphonse both wondering what was happening, they saw the Miracle Harua was begging to happen. Ahmose had finally turned back to his human self, he was the same form as he was when he was turned into a cat. Harua hugged his brother, shivering with happiness and excitement.


"Brother! The Gods have answered me, they have lifted the curse that I had casted upon you centuries ago!" Ahmose smiled and laughed as he hugged his brother back. "I had missed hugging another person, after all this time." Harua laughed and smiled, waving goodbye to Alphonse. Before they left, Ahmose left a note for Eliza stating, 'Thank you, for loving and caring for me, Eliza. I will always be here when you need me. ~Ahmose.'

~The End~
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Note: if you leave Feedback, please also tell me if the story was interesting, would you want more, who was the character you latched onto, who do you want to know more about? All this feedback and Critiques will be amazing!
New Posts will be added when a story/side story that is apart of this is created.

 

[Zarko Straadi]

Hi there. I hope the fact that this has a "Critique Request" tab means that I can reply in this thread.

A few quick things:

In 200 A.D., Egypt was under the control of the Roman Empire, and most of the elite would be Roman (in particular the governor and the military command structure) and Greek (descendants of the elite who ruled after Alexander the Great conquered Egypt in the 4th Century B.C.), and the capital would be Alexandria, a cosmopolitan Greek city founded by Alexander. So, in that time period, we wouldn't have a situation with two native Egyptian princes striving for the throne.

Historically, there was a Pharaoh Ahmose (reigned ~1550 - 1525 B.C.) who drove out invaders called the Hyksos and founded what historians call the New Kingdom. So, for the purposes of a short story like this, you could switch the names of the brothers, so that Ahmose has his brother turned into a cat, steals the throne, and goes on to glory and renown as liberator and re-unifier of Egypt, but ultimately it all turns to ashes in his mouth because of guilt over what he did to his brother.

If you were writing this for publication, it would serve you well to research ancient Egyptian history, art, architecture, clothing, etc., so you can pick which period you want to set the beginning of the story in, as well as describe the scenes well (is the country strong or weak, prosperous or in chaos, what foreign cultures are interacting with it, how are people dressed, what food is served at a royal feast, what kind of weapons are in use, etc.). The more "serious" your effort at publication (i.e. novel for a major publisher vs. short story for a prominent magazine vs. short story for an obscure magazine) the more research you should do. Since magic figures in the story, it would be good to learn as much as you can (within your limits of book-buying money and time) about ancient Egyptian magic, how it was performed, and so on (Magic in Ancient Egypt by Geraldine Pinch would be a good start), so you can give the scene where the spell is cast an authentic feel.

One of the things you'll see in pretty much any book, class, etc. about how to write is Show, Don't Tell. So, instead of this:

As time passed, Ahmose became their parent's shining star while Harua grew jealous of his brother's actions and attention the people and his parents gave him. Years had flew by and Harua's Envious and jealous feelings had grown so much...
​

...you would have at least one scene where we see this happening. It could be something like, the Pharaoh takes Ahmose out hunting but leaves Harua behind, and Harua is seething, complaining to someone (his mother? a girlfriend?), or it could be at a ceremony where Ahmose is being named Co-Regent (second only to Pharaoh in power, and the appointed successor), and we see Harua's reaction. A scene like this could also unveil more of the characters' motivations. Is Harua motivated purely by greed and desire for attention and power, or does he have what he considers to be legitimate reasons why he, rather than his brother, should be king (such as a major difference on policy)?

For example, if you were to do the name-switch mentioned above, the brothers could disagree over the issue of war vs. peace with the Hyksos:

"Father, why do you name him your Co-Regent instead of me? How have I ever failed you? I am better with the sword and spear, more accurate with the bow, faster and more nimble at the reins of my chariot! He is gentle and clever of tongue, but what use is that against an army? How long will we let these barbarians squat in Avaris and slake their thirst on the waters of our Delta?"

"My son, nothing is certain in war, but deaths by the thousand. Do not be so hungry for it. The cries of the fallen never leave your nightmares. Harua wants peace with the Hyksos, and I agree. Perhaps in time, the land can be re-unified peacefully, through marriage between our royal line and theirs. Already, we have adopted their chariots, and they have adopted many of our ways. Let this continue, and Kemet will become the best of both peoples."

"But..." Ahmose protested, pointing to a colorful fresco on the palace wall. It portrayed his father standing in his chariot drawing back his bow, horses rearing and lunging forward over the crumpled bodies of his Nubian foe while the rest fled in terror. "It is the duty of Pharaoh to triumph over the enemies of the Two Lands!"

"My son, that is how we portray war if we win, but that is not what war is like. Sometimes it is necessary to fight. If necessary, Harua will fight with you as his general. But as Pharaoh you would court war like a lover, and that could cost me both my sons, and all that is left of our kingdom! Let us speak no more of this. It is decided."

Ahmose clenched his teeth and tried to hide his fury. "May it be as you will, Father," he said with a bow of his head; but his thoughts were already turning to the sorceress from the Temple of Bastet, and the offer she had made...​

Try to describe a scene with as many sensory cues as possible (sights, sounds, tastes, etc.) so that the reader is "there," and the narration seems to disappear.

There are also some interesting threads in your story that would be cool to develop more. There's a huge time-skip (~2500 to 3000 years or more depending on which era of ancient Egypt the princes are from). Ahmose (or Harua if you did the name switch) has lived as a cat for a long time. How has that changed him? How (for example) does it affect how he feels about Eliza, if he knows she will grow old and die and her tomb become an ancient ruin while his life goes on, and on? Has he forgotten what it is to be human, or does he see humans and still pine for his old life?

Does he use his vast knowledge and experience to help Eliza's family in some way, while keeping up his role as "just a cat?" Say, if one of Eliza's parents is a detective or a spy...

His relationship to Eliza would also be something I'd like to see more of. Does she lift him out of a centuries-long depression? How does she do it? Does he speak to her, and only to her (their little secret), or only meow? Alternative plot possibility: he comes to love Eliza as he's loved no one else, and he watches her grow into a young woman, knowing full well that he'll also see her age and die, so his every moment of joy with her is tainted with forthcoming tragedy. But then, when his curse is removed, he now realizes that he's mortal...and that he could grow old with her. If you wanted a romance angle. ;)