In the beginning, there were three gods. Yes, just three. We don't want to confuse you. In fact, there's only going to be two, cos Poseidan sucks. One is Liam Neeson and the other is EEEEEVIL! *cut to Pete Poselthwaite hauling a child out of the ocean* PETE: Behold, a child! I shall call him Perseus and everyone shall instantly form an implausible attachment to him! For lo, I am a fisherman and I want fish, but the gods don't give me fish and I'm tired of not getting fish. And thus, the general theme of the entire movie is established. *Io stands on a nearby shoreline* IO: Ah, Perseus has arrived, and luckily that random fisherman has decided to call him Perseus as well. This is most convenient. And now I shall sit here for the next 12 years. *TWELVE YEARS LATER* PERSEUS: You're getting old, Father. PETE: Hah hah hah, we all love you Perseus! Please, be our protagonist and carry our emotional investment! PERSEUS: I am so happy being a mortal fisherman. I have no other urges or subplots. And I am the only one in Greece with a crewcut. Life couldn't be any bet... *Up on the rocks* ARGOS SOLDIERS: Boo! We hate Zeus! *Soldiers knock down a statue* HADES: Now I will destroy you! *strange black things fly towards the soldiers* *The audience adjusts their 3D glasses* AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: Dude, what are those things? AUDIENCE MEMBER 2: Er... I'm not sure. AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: Wait, I think they've got faces. Nope, they've gone... *Hades appears and slaughters everyone* PETE: Don't worry, Son. We'll be fine. The gods don't slaughter innocent peo- *Hades slaughters the innocent people and Perseus is left in the wreckage of his boat* PERSEUS: Nooooooooooooo!!! I'm slightly upset! You can tell by the slight alteration in my dumb facial expression. *MEANWHILE, IN OLYMPUS!* ZEUS: They knocked over my statue... HADES: Let me kick their asses for you! ZEUS: Okay, that sounds cool. And maybe while I let you attack them I'll secretly send gifts to my son so he can defeat the thing that wouldn't have attacked in the first place if I hadn't have let you unleash it. HADES: .... that sounds acceptable. APOLLO: Er, Zeus... ZEUS: SHUT UP APOLLO - YOU DON'T GET TO SPEAK! APOLLO: ... *Later, a group of soldiers move through Argos with Perseus* CITY-DWELLER 1: G'day mate! CITY-DWELLER 2: Top o' the morning to ya! CITY-DWELLER 3: Bon soir, mon amis! ARGOS SOLDIER: Ah, it's good to be back in Argos. *the soldiers are stopped by a sergeant* ARGOS SERGEANT: You there! Who is that man with you? ARGOS SOLDIER: Er, some guy we found in the ocean. ARGOS SERGEANT: ... and WHY are you picking up guys in the ocean? ARGOS SOLDIER: I dunno Sir, we just... we saw him and we just... I dunno, we formed this instant emotional connection to him. He didn't have to do or say anything, we just.... he has a crewcut and we think he's really cool. ARGOS SERGEANT: Okay... so what are you planning to do with him? ARGOS SOLDIER: We're... gonna take him to the palace, Sir! ARGOS SERGEANT: ..................... why? ARGOS SOLDIER: Er.... we just think...erm... maybe the royal family will want to, er.... look at him and stuff. ARGOS SERGEANT: ...................................... fine. Whatever. *The soldiers and Perseus continue onwards* CRAZY GUY: Cor blimey, guv'nor! The old gods are well naffed with us geezers! Gonna come down the apple and pears and give us the old one-two, innit? PERSEUS: Why are you cockney? *Perseus and the soldiers enter the Palace of Argos* KING: We are arrogant! Behold our arrogance as we eat and wear fancy clothes! ANDROMEDA: Would you like some water? Please! It's my own character trait! Please take the water! *Perseus takes the water from her* ANDROMEDA: I already feel a strange emotional connection to you Perseus, even though you haven't said or done anything remotely worthy of a three-dimensional character. And though we're only going to have two conversations for the entire movie, I feel like I already know you. PERSEUS: Yeah, I get that a lot. *Hades bursts into the room and kills a load of NPCs* HADES: You are all far too arrogant! Sacrifice Princess Andromeda or I'll send a big fucking squid thing to kill you all! KING: Nuuuuu! PERSEUS: I'll get him! *Perseus is held back by Io* IO: Don't fight yet, Perseus! You have to wait a while and fight him later. Trust me on this, okay? HADES: Oh, by the way, Perseus, you're the son of Zeus. PERSEUS: Oh right.... *everyone in the room instantly overhears this* PEOPLE OF ARGOS: Hey look! A demi-god! Let's put him in jail! *Later on, in jail* GUARD: Hey, er, Perseus-dude... there's a random chick who wanted to see you, so we like... totally let her. PERSEUS: ...kay *Io enters* IO: Hello there. PERSEUS: So, you wish for me to kill Emperor Commodus and avenge my family? IO: Er... no. I'm just here to explain that I've been watching you all your life and was there when your family died and I know who your real father was. PERSEUS: Right... and why are you telling me all this? IO: I dunno, it's just... you've got a crewcut and... I feel this strange connection to you... like I've instantly identified with you as a protagonist despite you being about as charismatic as a doorstop. PERSEUS: .... hurr hurr. IO: Anyway, there's these witches and they'll knew how to kill the Kraken. PERSEUS: Kraken, hurr hurr. *Later, in the barracks* OLD GUY: This is hopeless. We're going to die. YOUNG GUY: I am scared and naive. MENTOR GUY: I don't trust Perseus. *They all look at each other* MENTOR GUY: Right, we've established our characters. Now let's move. *Perseus and the heroes walk though the streets of Argos* CITY-DWELLER 1: You canneh leave us lads! CITY-DWELLER 2: Thank you, come again! CITY-DWELLER 3: Achtung! You vill all die! *two random hunters appear* HUNTERS: Excuse me, are you in need of a fat guy and someone with funny facial hair to provide brief and unsatisfying comic relief? MENTOR GUY: Sure. HUNTERS: Awesome. *Later, the heroes move across the lands and Perseus stops to stare at the sunset* MENTOR GUY: Perseus, what are you doing? PERSEUS: Sssh! The audience are getting to know me! *Lord of the Rings music plays as the camera focusses on Perseus's blank and braindead face* *Meanwhile, in Hades* HADES: Hey, Acrisius. Wanna go kill your son? ACRISIUS: Yeah sure. *Back in the forest* MENTOR GUY: Okay Perseus, its time for me to train you how to use that sword. *They spar for ten seconds and Perseus defeats the Mentor Guy with his godly power* MENTOR GUY: Well, that was pointless. PERSEUS: Yeah... kinda defeats your whole purpose as a mentor figure. MENTOR GUY: Yeah... OLD GUY: Hey look - what's that? *Pegasus walks out the forest with a holy sword in his mouth* MENTOR GUY: Looks like a gift from the gods. PERSEUS: Goddam it, my father is clearly trying to help me defeat the thing that he unleashed in the first place. YOUNG GUY: That's Zeus for ya. *Io appears* IO: Hi, I've been following you all this time. Anyway, this is Pegasus. And he's black instead of white, because, well y'know... it's cooler. PERSEUS: No! I refuse these gifts! *Everyone looks at Perseus* MENTOR GUY: .... why? PERSEUS: Because it's my only defining character trait? IO: Oh, like Andromeda and the food thing? PERSEUS: Yeah. *Pegasus looks at everyone* PEGASUS: So err... I'll just fuck off till the end of the film? PERSEUS: Yeah, cheers dude. I'll catch you later once I learn that I'm both a man and a god. PEGASUS: Didn't you know that already? PERSEUS: Look, just fuck off would you?! MENTOR GUY: I'll put the sword in my bag and then tell you that it's in my bag and then it randomly won't be in my bag and this whole dialogue will be pointless, okay? PERSEUS: Yeah okay, Mentor Dude. *Acrisius jumps from the trees and kills all the less important characters* PERSEUS: What a bastard! Let's get him! *They chase Acrisius into the desert right next to the forest, where some of his blood causes giant scorpions to sprout out of the ground for some reason* PERSEUS: Hmm, giant scorpions. MENTOR GUY: Don't worry Perseus - all soldiers of Argos are trained to fight giant scorpions formed by the blood of cursed half-demons. It's in the standard training package. HUNTERS: And us hunters see shit like this all the time. PERSEUS: Excellent. So no one has any genuine fear of these things and all dramatic tension is completely dispelled? OLD GUY: Yep. IO: Yep. HUNTERS: Yep. PERSEUS: Okay. Let's go kill some Giant Scorpions! *They charge off towards the scorpions but a giant metal foot suddenly lands in front of them* PERSEUS: Dammit Optimus! WRONG FUCKING FILM SET! OPTIMUS PRIME: Sorry... *Optimus walks off* *Meanwhile, in Olympus, Zeus picks up a wooden model of Perseus* ZEUS: ..... Perseus. *The scene cuts back to the scorpions, who are all staring at the camera with the heroes* PERSEUS: Seriously? Someone actually wrote that scene? Some scriptwriter ACTUALLY wrote "Cut to Olympus - Zeus picks up a model and says 'Perseus' - Cut back to earth." Somebody in Hollywood SERIOUSLY wrote that in the script? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? *The scorpions start edging towards the Transformers film set.* PERSEUS: Hey! Get back here!