At first, Rayna was shocked and frozen. There he was again, standing down by the river with his messy hair blonde and black cloak, eyes blue as ever. He looked like he always had before, as though his time alone after abandoning the group had not changed or impacted him at all. He seemed to be okay, better than okay even, and yet, she was angry about his safety and health. He was okay, after breaking her heart and leaving her a mess? Abandoning her when she needed him to guide her? And the rest of the group too. Shock soon faded away as her limp hands curled into fists, a few tears sprouting up as she began walking down the hill, knowing she needed to face him regardless of what would come from the encounter. She could feel her anger stewing, and he was sure to see what he did when she went lose on him, acting like the grenade they both had come to know her as.
(( Any feedback is appreciated, I feel like I need work on this. <.< ))
@ElBell
Professor Ferret here,
It's more a classic case of
telling the reader rather than
showing the reader. You tell the reader her emotional state at each point, even when it changes, and tell the reader her nature. There's also a lot of inner monologue that ends up choking the pace: When writing emotion, keep in mind that different emotions demand a different balance of descriptiveness, when written in the direct perspective of a character. For example: A methodical thinker like Sherlock Holmes spends a great deal of time with inner monologue because he is a logic-centric character and an egotist, who is analyzing a sequence of events and dissecting them to base components to resolve a mystery. Whereas a brash, excitable, young squire would spend less time on inner monologue, he might give himself a line or two of trying to encourage himself before going headlong into an actions-filled scrap. Having the young squire monologue a scene to death feels weird when reading in the perspective
of the squire.
"Acting like the grenade they both had come to know her as" is an example of telling the reader what they should think. Allow the character's actions to speak for herself and add additional context. For example:
Why did he leave, and does the character (Rayna) know?
At first, Rayna was shocked and frozen in place atop the hill. There he was again, standing down by the river with his messy, blonde hair, and black cloak, his eyes were as blue as ever. Looking like he always had before, as though his time alone after leaving her behind for reasons he didn't share meant nothing, despite knowing she worried for his health and safety. Slowly, her fingers curl into the palms of her hands, forming fists as tears well up in her eyes. Storming down the hill, she knew she had to face him no matter what the result of the encounter would be, even if it might turn out to be for irrational reasons.
The blue lines indicate context: She starts atop the hill and then is described as going down the hill. The reader is informed that he gave no reason for his disappearance. Rather than walking at a brisk pace, she storms with a cocktail mixture of fury and sorrow. It's also shorter, removing a lot of the monologue in place of expanded descriptions of the actions, adding further little details you had already placed. The last line is conveying that she, at some level, realizes that he may have good reasons, despite how she feels, and is a monologue line that goes into the character's mind: She doesn't
know and is reacting
because of that, despite knowing that she
could be acting inappropriately.
Overall: You're doing really well, honestly. The paragraph conveyed her emotional states, and why she felt that way, it was just a simple case of refining the skills you already have. You have the theory, you just need the practice.
Sincerely, Professor Ferret.
PS: I think this also counts as my transitioning between emotions, but just in case, here's a deconstructed example.
Transitions
Moira takes a deep breath, her hands shaking in the bitterly cold wind as she held
Tyler's hand.
For some reason, he had insisted on trying to climb over the mountain rather than around, just to escape their pursuers who couldn't keep up with them anyway. Yet, the way his turquoise eyes managed to pierce
through the veil of the swirling snow2 around them
reassured her on some level. Passing around a corner on the mountain path at the edge of a cliff, he suddenly ceases and perks up. Unsheathing his blades, Tyler motions for Moira to stay hidden by the wall of the path around the mountain, and nodding nervously, she complies. The howling wind prevented her from hearing anything further as
she curled up and brought her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around her ankles2. Closing her eyes, she takes a few deep breaths, trying to settle herself.
He'll be back soon, she thought to herself as she notices something small slide down to her feet.
It was a blade.
It was his blade.
Grabbing it, Moira realizes that he must be in trouble, and with a moment's hesitation
and a quick prayer to God she charges up the path with quickened breath, her pulse suddenly racing as adrenaline flooded her veins3. She only makes it up a few steps before something hits her and knocks her off her feet with the surprising amount of force it had. Landing on her back, she looks down to see the wooden shaft of an arrow sticking out of her chest.
Bitterly and deliriously, she smiles4,
realizing Tyler's fate was now her own, feinting from the mixture of pain and cold
as a figure emerged2 from the frostbitten hell that was this damnable mountain.
Character Introductions: Protagonist and Compatriot.
Context: Where are they? (Mountain.) Why are they there? (To escape trouble.)
Context2: Local weather conditions which will later on affect her ability to see Tyler's status.
Emotion: Reassured by Tyler, initial set.
Emotion2: Now that Tyler is gone, the reassurance he provided in tandem with potential danger ahead is making her nervous and potentially scared. (Transition.)
Call to Action: A classic device in fiction, this time in literal manifested form.
Emotion3: While still tense, she takes the
Call to Action and spurs herself into a courageous charge to save the person she cares for from harm she knows nothing about yet. (Also implies blind loyalty and potential inexperience.)
Bonus: This line also implies a spiritual connection to a deity, especially with the emphasis on capitalizing God.
Emotion4: The previous bravado and concern she had for Tyler is transformed into a finalé of spite at the fate of herself and Tyler.
Perspective: She isn't
certain that Tyler is injured or dead, nor is she certain that the shot was even aimed at her as she couldn't see her adversary, which implies her adversary couldn't see her to aim at her either. This is an example of the character making a presumption and passing that information along to the audience in a monologue, which is
good when done after an action to help the audience understand the connotations of her emotional state.
Perspective2: She is unaware of who the figure is. It could be Tyler, it could be an adversary. Ambiguity!
Though the Word of God here is in my mind, it's a hunting accident from paranoid poachers, she later recovers in their cabin with Tyler tending to her wound. Bet you didn't assume that, did ya?
