Toxic Colleague

S

Superpiggeh

Guest
Original poster
P.S. I was originally going to make a post in the designated rant thread but this got way out of hand so here you go.

P.P.S. I originally meant for this to be a rant, but it became a reflection. I guess I'll keep the Prefix anyway.

P.P.P.S. Still more a rant. The Prefix holds.

Nearly half a year now into my new job - my first in an industry not even slightly relevant to my course of study in college. I've gotten the misfortune of being stuck with whom might be the most toxic colleague I'll ever have the dishonour of working with. It's going to be a long ride so buckle up if you want to stick it through. Again, warning. LONG.

TL;DR: I'm ranting about a toxic colleague that's made my work life a living hell due to clashes in working style, her blatant hypocrisy and her shit personality.

---

I'm completely fresh out of college in an industry that is completely alien to me. The latter part is especially significant because my work involves a lot of specific industry-related jargon that I had to essentially pick up on the job. All else, I ask and hope to receive. Because of these, I tended to take a lot of what is told to me at face value - because there is no way I can refute anything with the amount of experience that I had and my complete lack of knowledge. What seemed strange to me could be normal, or could work in a way I didn't quite understand right? Of course, I didn't just accept everything that was given without any critical thought, but my point remains.

Also, for whatever reason (that I could not fathom initially), the turnover in the team I joined was exceptionally high. People did not seem to stay longer than a year. During my probation, I even met the outgoing team member whom I was apparently taking over. Allegedly, she was only in the job for a month! Naive me at the time had not seen it as a red flag but that's because of the following.

My boss is very hands off. My first impression of him was generally favourable because he seemed quite like me - quiet, non-confrontational and generally willing to let others "do their own thing". As time went on, it quickly became clear he was the biggest push-over and quite possibly the worst leader I've ever seen in a leadership role. He's clearly not in his position for his leadership capabilities, that is for sure.

So. the only "stable" member of the team was this old hag (woman, but I prefer the former now as it's the politest way I can think of to refer to this particular individual). Apparently she had decades of experience in the industry, having worked in the big names before coming here and having settled in for about a year when I came in. Naturally, she was the person to train me and take me on-board and the like. Since she was the one to do so, she also shaped a lot of my perception of the workplace.

About the workplace, as far as my experience had went, it has been extremely pleasant by comparison. My team is, to frame it in MOBA gaming terms, the support. There is a group in another office in our company that is essentially the "carry", the star players that generate the most revenue. My initial worry and the impression that I had from this old hag was that these "carries" would be abrasive or even outright rude. I expected a lot of drama, a lot of flare-ups. A lot of shouting. The old hag did nothing to assuage that concern, if anything, she added to the fire.

That's enough context to set the scene as clearly as I can manage.

As a result of all of the above, my initial months on probation was actually fine. Everything was a learning experience after all, even the most mundane. The old hag was still pleasant since I was essentially her personal toy, being molded to conform to her every instruction... To an extent. Before I proceed, I should, for the sake of good order and coherence, structure this cleanly, so...

Working Styles

One thing that never sat well with me was her way of working. I am perfectly capable of working purely online with no physical hard copies - even with extensive reading and notes. The old hag, as you may imagine, being at least two generations or more behind, is my complete opposite without the flexibility. As such, she is absolute shit with technology. Ordinarily, that would not be an issue for me. After all, who cares how others work so long they produce the results to show for it?

Unfortunately for me, the old hag took a different point of view. To her: if something is not done right, it is not worth doing. And that's putting it very nicely. I would go further and emphasise - if something is not done her way, it is not worth doing. Perhaps you are starting to see where I am going. The breakdown in our working relationship was gradual, which misled me with regards to her true nature. My other colleagues from different teams (within earshot of ours) were all rather... apathetic, I would say, in those situations. They knew I was walking into the beast's lair but they sure were content to watch.

I digress, but slowly and surely, she started to nag. It was no longer teaching, no. I would ask about something and instead of giving me a straight answer, she would essentially hijack my work, do it for me and make me watch her do the entire thing. The whole way through she would talk down and question my working style. "Why didn't you print", "Why didn't you write on a hard copy"; they were not even issues specifically related to the work. She could go for an hour - the worst she had was nearly 3 hours.

Having suffered through numerous instances of this nonsense week after week, I now laugh with scorn at the memory of her self-introduction - she described herself to me in my first-second week as someone who is "open-minded". I chuckled as I typed this, if you can believe that.

Blatant hypocrisy

This ties in very nicely to my second issue. Blatant. Hypocrisy. I have never imagined I would meet someone who would come to personify "hypocrite" so thoroughly. I wouldn't be jesting if I said her portrait should be set under the word in a dictionary. The worst thing about all this is how I'm not even playing this up for the rant.

So, working style aside, the least you would expect would be for her to be a good teacher, or, since teaching is definitely not part of the job description, that she would be, at minimum, someone who knew what she said and accountable to her own words. Cue contradictions right and left. Over the months as I began to consult her for more complicated work, she began to fray, she began to flip-flop, she began to eat her own words.

I have so many egregious cases in which I would take the work (printed, because otherwise her IT-incapable mind will malfunction) to her and get her feedback. She would scribble on that copy, give me specific directions in relation to those instructions then tell me "let's talk about it again". I do that, right down to the letter. Later that day, I came back to her and then she scolds me, stopping short of personal attacks. Questions me over the comments written on the copy, questions me on the changes. Then over-writes her earlier remarks and (usually) goes with what I had initially suggested at the very beginning.

These were alright though, largely because for all the self-contradiction, you could argue with reason that she couldn't possibly give a definite answer because she isn't doing the work from the start. So, arguably, she had to hijack my work otherwise she can't get a full picture. Sure, I'll admit that.

But then only a week or more ago, she cemented her "hypocrite" status and label in my mind.

Thankfully, at the end of my probation, there was another new addition to the team. This one was more experienced and thus did not require as much instruction. The more basic and procedural she could simply ask from me and I was all too happy to provide assistance as best as I could. Still, with three people now instead of the previous two, some changes to procedure had to be made. Therefore, once upon a time, the old hag asked "why be calculating?" as she proposed an alternative which me and the newbie accepted.

Cue a month later, another situation cropped up - an argument between the newbie and the old hag no less, over the very same procedure being referred to above. I'm already on the newbie's side, largely because I abhorred the old hag so when the newbie dragged me into their drama, I was only too happy to drop a rock on the old hag, using her exact words. I had thought it a solid finisher, only to find that she completely ignored that it was she who said those. She turned it on us instead, saying "fine, if you two want to take that position". Wow.

After that, I could never stop making the joke that the old hag's favourite food had to be her own words, because she sure loves to eat it.

Flawed (Shit) Personality

I should note that I am not providing an objective assessment of her personality in this portion of the rant. However, I feel a lot of the above ties very closely to her personality - so much so that ignoring it would be missing a huge piece of the puzzle.

On the surface, and I suppose to anyone who only interacts superficially with her, she seems to be the friendly and nurturing granny. Probably the kind that always make sure you got something to munch on. She's chatty, she'll talk about anything she cares to. A true kindly grandmother stereotype; I was initially grateful, even hopeful that this would be a pleasant environment.

Oh how looks deceive.

One important quality of hers that will quickly become evident as you go along is her flair for the dramatics. She has a penchant for exaggerating anything and everything. If someone were to so much as speak to her with a louder volume, that person is "shouting". If they point out mistakes, they are "scolding". I fondly remember with amusement now one instance when, over a mass-email, another colleague called her "ANAL", in all caps. That was in response to the old hag intentionally writing back to an earlier e-mail by the same person nitpicking at his wording. She blew it up, ranted loudly to me that instant and attempted to raise it to that colleague's boss, our C-suite head, our boss... HR... And through it all, she made sure to emphasise how she was standing up for the little people... and fellow women... yada yada.

... Nothing happened from that, by the way, and the incident was just swept under the rug. In retrospect, I wonder if this was just dismissed as another of her theatrics.

In line with the drama and what I figured from that was that she's really all about the performance. I realise now at least she was at least consistent on that count. Early on, one of her main lessons was how I should be cautious about how people perceive me. You'd have quips and lessons about how I should "be seen eating with others"... How it's the worst to "be labelled"... Her choice of wording didn't pique my interest then, but now they're especially poignant. She makes a show of that herself and she takes it to another level, I feel.

Her voice is naturally loud (so she claims) or she speaks loudly and being old-fashioned, online, textual messages just don't cut it. If she need something from someone else, she either calls immediately or go to that person in the next office. No issues there since I'm not closed-minded on how people choose to work. The point is, I think that works in her favour in how she always want to be seen working. That's why she comes to work way earlier than is normal and stays back way later than is required. In this company, lunches are unofficially two hours since everyone does it, but she only takes an hour... for "discipline" or some other arbitrary reason. In reality, she claws back the her compensation for that extra commitment in other ways.

She spends a lot of time making small talk around the office, at least a an hour or more, essentially compensating for her early arrival and late departure. While she takes "only one hour", since there isn't anyone else in the office, no one can say if she truly is working or not. I doubt it based on this month when a lot of the "carries" are away on long holidays and work is generally just a slow crawl. I know for sure everyone is just scraping by with what little work they have left, and this old hag definitely doesn't have any work on hand yet. IE. she is merely pretending to be busy.

Now pair the flair for the dramatics and her persistent performance... And the inexperienced, naive me. How could I not fear the "carries" and develop a negative impression of them? It took me months to see through the lies and the pretense. Her facade and the ugliness within.

Therein lies the centerpiece of the shit that is her personality. Far be it for me to typecast her in such a manner, but I suppose this element is what makes this more a rant than a reflection. I'll stand by that if only to help me cope with more work days ahead with the old hag.

I suppose it's not all strictly a bad ending. I'm still here, taking shit from the old hag. She continues to make the work environment rather toxic, getting into her drama borne from her blowing things completely out of proportion. If not that, then misconstruing people's words and eating her own just to emerge the victor in the argument. Recently in an argument with the newbie, she said this workplace is "not a happy shop"... That "people leave all the time". I agree, but only because of her continued presence.

Earlier, I made the comparison to MOBA games. I did that because those games have communities that are generally regarded by its own players as "toxic". It's usually a consistent lot of bad actors that frequently appear in your public matches and some servers are worse by far than others. I view this old hag as one such "toxic" player. At some point, she stopped focusing on the positive and instead only harped on the negative. I suppose in a way she practiced what she preached on the others in the office, the "carries" in particular, only ever harping on mistakes. In fact, it's like she only embodied all the negative things she said about others just so what she said wouldn't be complete BS. I don't know if I should applaud her for speaking what has technically become the truth.

Anyway, like I said, it's not strictly a bad ending to this. The addition of the newbie helped significantly. Having someone to empathise with, who empathises with you, that makes a world of difference. Besides, I've always been adaptable, I've already found a way to cope with the old hag. The only question to ask is how long more is she worth the trouble - and for me, the answer is straightforward. For as long as this newbie remains, I know I will as well, so the rest remains to be seen.
 
  • Sympathy & Compassion
Reactions: Joan