So, today was the first day of our Combatives tournament. I was not at all enthused about being "volunteered" to compete. It also didn't go very well for us, either. People on our team got taken out in their first few matches because of people bending rules or otherwise getting lucky with retarded moves. Then finally my turn came. I was up against a beast of a chick. She played all sweet and timid, then when we got into the ring it was more or less a complete 180. I couldn't take her down, so I wrapped her up and took her into the guard and went for a cross collar choke. Meanwhile, she kept trying to do the same to me (I guess no one told her you can't cross collar choke when you're in someone's guard). My blood's pumping, my ears are ringing, she's trying to cut off my oxygen and I'm trying to listen to what my 'coach' is yelling at me but I really was in no position to make any sense of it. Somewhere during all this, she clawed me the fuck up... as in, I have a bunch of long ragged fingernail marks all over my neck. Not enthused. Tried for an arm bar from the guard, but she kept ducking her bigass head in a way that I couldn't put my fucking leg over it. So I said fuck it, went for the choke again and this time I pushed up on her esophagus while I did. Quick tap. Almost an hour later was my second match, against a guy this time. He was clearly a wrestler, so I'm already at a disadvantage; I don't wrestle. My coach told me 'just fall straight into the guard or take him down, don't play tug-o-war'. So I listened. Only it didn't really work the way I wanted it to. I basically jumped on him and dragged him down with me, then during this he managed to get his hands in my throat and was still standing on his feet. Not good. The last thing I recall as my vision was turning red was my coach yelling at me to grab his ankle. So I did. Then I heard, 'NO! His other ankle!!' Then all of a sudden I wasn't in the gym anymore. There was no mat. All I heard was the ocean, and seagulls, and it was a beautiful sunny day on a beach with palm trees and green plants and... Then I'm looking up at my coach and some other dude who are sitting over me. Apparently I was out for maybe 40 seconds or so. My opponent just hopped up off of me like nothing happened, and meanwhile my body started doing the funky chicken while the whole room went silent. Naturally, one of my friends stood up and went "AWESOME" in the middle of the silence. Witnesses say I looked happy as shit while I was passed out. And you know what? I was. I'm going to a BEACH when I die! How about it?