To Write LOVE On Their Arms

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I looked at his furrowed eyebrows, his confused expression. His tone was curious, almost detached, but she no longer saw the anger that had been etched onto his face. "I'm not sure, " I murmured, looking into his eyes. " Do I need a reason?" He hadn't pushed her away, wasn't annoyed with her, hadn't walked back into the building with a sullen expression on his face.
I sighed. "Here's my reason, then, if you really want one." I looked at the lighter lying on the ground, felt a smile touch my lips. "I kissed you to distract you from your anger, Allistair. You look kinder, now."

I rubbed my eyebrow in exhaustion. It wasn't even noon yet, and I was ready to call it a day. Of course, I wouldn't. I always pushed myself farther, to stay strong. I had to. Could I tell him? I wondered. Could I tell him what happened? Even if I could, would I?

I decided not to, for now.
 
"I look kinder now," Allistair repeated, just a little incredulous. He ran his fingers through his hair, biting the insides of his cheeks as he struggled to think it all through. How did it come to this? Did Nova like him? After knowing him for barely a day? Sure, he had seen her around more often than others but it was still barely a day of knowing her.

"I...I'm not gonna say I didn't like it," he told her, looking up at her. "But I don't know what I feel about it. So, I'm going to try to figure it out, while not doing anything about it...I'm sorry...it's...I don't know anymore." He sighed heavily, not sure what he should do. Evie had been the one to ask him out, and she had been his first girlfriend, so he wasn't sure how to act around Nova, whether he should ask her out or kiss her or anything like that.
 
I smiled again, just a little bit. It was a little obvious that Allistair wasn't exactly experienced with this sort of thing, from the way he bit the insides of his cheek. "You're alright." I said in reply. "I expected nothing more, or nothing less. But hell, this is better than sitting in group." I wasn't sure, either. I didn't really know why I'd kissed him, myself. It had just been an impulse, maybe, or the fact that I didn't know him the way I knew other people, and that was a nice break from it all, the knowledge that usually weighed me down. I didn't want to know about other people's problems, have them forced on me whenever I made eye contact.
 
Allistair gave her a wane smile. "Okay. If you say so." Sighing, he looked up at the sky, wishing he could rewind everything to fifteen minutes ago, when Lola's hand was creeping up his leg and Nova hadn't yet arrived to group yet. At least then he would know that he shouldn't do anything later, when the leader was picking on her. "I'm gonna get so much shit later when they find me...They all know I do shit like this, but this was the first time I did it towards a teacher...I'm probably going to end up in the counselor's office again, and he's gonna ask, 'Is someone bothering you at group? Have you and Nova done something you shouldn't have?'" Looping his arms through the railing, he sighed again, deciding that it was all better than being at home right now.
 
I cocked my head at him as he spoke, studying his body language and the meaning behind his words. "Don't regret the things you do," I told him. "Don't want a do-over, because that's a waste of thought and time. Look at the brighter sides of things, or at least try to." I smirked, but the smile didn't touch my eyes. "And thank you, again. For helping me." A terrible feeling washed over me and I squeezed my eyes shut, turning my head away. Why did it have to start now? "I- I have to go," I choked out after a minute, and hurried away, not looking back.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," I whispered as I nearly ran back to my room. It hurt. It was the depression again, pressing down on me suddenly and painfully, like I was being punished. I barely managed to unlock my door and slamming it behind me. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I escape this, just for a moment? I lay curled up on my bed, waiting for it to pass, tears flowing unchecked from my eyes. Memories and emotions haunted me, and I wanted to scream.

I just wanted this all to end.
 
After Nova left, Allistair returned to his feet, just looking out over the city. The school had a wall around it, like some kind of private school, but that didn't mean you couldn't see the street beyond or the smog that hung over the city at sunset. It was why Allistair liked the roof so much, because he could imagine himself finally leaving the school. Inside, he was forced to think that he could never get out.

A few minutes passed before someone walking outside the school, probably looking for him or something, looked up and saw him. As the person rushed back into the school, Allistair sighed, and simply waited for someone to come up and force him to go back downstairs.

It didn't take long. Within three minutes, an SRO had forced him to the floor of the ceiling, acting as if he had been going to jump. "I wasn't going to jump!" Allistair shouted as he had a racial slur thrown at him by the SRO. "Get off of me!" Eventually, some well-meaning teachers came, teachers that somewhat trusted Allistair, and finally got the SRO to let up. Even still, they made him go to the counselor's office, and very quickly the school was abuzz with, "Allistair Aurelio was about to jump," which to turned to, "Allistair Aurelio jumped from the roof!" in no time flat.

Inside the counselor's office, Allistair was engaged in a one-sided shouting match. The counselor maintained that annoying calmness that all counselors had, but every time he asked, "Were you going to jump?" Allistair immediately began shouting again. However, the office was deep within the administration section of the school, so no student knew yet that Allistair hadn't jumped. After spending hours in the counselor's office, he was finally taken to the infirmary where he was put on suicide watch, even if he didn't have any injuries and had maintained that he wasn't going to jump.
 
I'd come out of my room a few hours later, tired, but I had pulled myself back together again. There was no signs of tears or exhaustion, makeup put on masterfully from a year of hard practice. I hadn't gone twenty feet when I heard what the kids were whispering about. "Allistair... Aurelio... Roof... Jumped..." That's when I started to run.

I found the front office again, where the secretary was still there, with the bored look. "I need to find Allistair." I said breathlessly when she looked up. "I'm sorry, I can't-" she began, but I cut her off, and lowered
my voice. "If you don't bring me to him, so help me, I will report your tequila stash that's sitting in the bottom drawer of you desk, and the coke hidden in your purse. Do you want to get fired and go to jail?" She turned white. "How-?" she stuttered, and I gave her a small, mirthless smile. "Well?" I said.

She lead me to the infirmary, where I found Allistair being guarded by a police officer. I sighed and relaxed in relief. "What happened?" I asked him, wanting to hear his side of the story. The counselor that sat in a chair across from her started to speak, but I glared at her so hard she stuttered and flushed. I turned my gaze back to Allistair.
 
Allistair had been sitting in a hard plastic chair in the middle of a white room with a police officer and the counselor there for what felt like days. Of course, it had only been a couple hours, but the room had no windows, so he couldn't try to jump again. He hadn't jumped in the first place, but by the time Nova arrived, he was seriously thinking about it. The counselor was talking about holding him back a year so that they could work on his 'problems' for another year, but he wasn't having any of it. He had six months, two weeks, and two days, he wasn't about to bump that up to eighteen months, two weeks, and two days!

When Nova came, asking him what had happened, he said, extremely calmly, "I didn't jump, if that's what you're asking. But this idiot doesn't believe me when I said I wasn't going to in the first place. They just saw me up at the roof after you'd left, and decided that I had been going to jump." He ran a hand through his hair, disheveling it. "I-I'm done. Maybe I've been wrong this whole, maybe going back home to that bastard is better than being here, maybe I should start telling them that." It was then that the fragility of his psyche became apparent; Allistair was about to break, and it was painfully obvious to everyone in the room. Through the years, the constant stress, first from his home life and then to going to this school, had been wearing away at him, and now it felt like he was paper thin and could break any minute.
 
I listened to him as he spoke, and it was painfully clear he was breaking. I recognized the signs, having gone through them myself. I knelt in front of him. "That's not what you really want, now is it?" I said softly. "What you need is someone to lean on, someone you trust." I looked at my hands. "You should find someone like that." I didn't really think he'd want me to help him. He didn't know me, although I'd kissed him. I still didn't exactly know why I had kissed him, myself.
 
"N-no," Allistair stuttered, his stomach in knots. "I...I can't do it anymore...There's no one I can trust anymore." At that, the counselor tried to butt in with a, "You know you can trust me," but Allistair wasn't having any of that. "It's hell here, but it's hell at home, too, and I just...can't do it anymore. I'm stuck at the bottom of a goddamn fucking well, and I look up and see someone looking down at me, but the light's too bright and I can't see their face and they're reaching out for me and I can't reach their fucking hand." He didn't know how his just speaking what was on his mind had turned into him relaying the dream he had been having for months now, but the words just spilled from his lips and he couldn't stop them from coming. "And the darkness is all around me, weighing me down and I keep thinking that if I can get away from it, then I can reach the person's goddamn hand..."

Obviously thinking that something was entirely wrong with Allistair, the counselor said to Nova, "I think you should leave now...it's clear that Allistair has some unsafe emotions right now, and it would probably be for the best that you leave."
 
I glared at the counselor again. "That's a ridiculous notion," I snapped at her. "That's the last thing he needs." I looked at Allistair, my gaze softening. I placed one of my hands on one of Allistair's.

"You could trust me, maybe," I said quietly. "I don't know about the person in your dreams, but my hand's right here." I squeezed his hand. "See? I'm not going anywhere."

The counselor sniffed, and I looked over at her again. "He needs someone who gets it, not someone paid to listen." She opened her mouth to disagree, but I, looking into her eyes, cut her off. "He doesn't need to be here another year. That's part of the problem."
 
"I think that if we were given more time with Allistair, he would come out of it better suited for the real world. It might be best--" Allistair cut her off.

"No! For the last time, I wasn't going to jump, I don't have any signs of suicide, and I don't need another year here. I am sick of everyone acting like I could snap at a moment's notice." Of course, that was somewhat true, but he ignored that for the moment. "By the time I graduate, I will be a perfectly fine adult, and I will leave. Nothing you say now will change that."

Looking to Nova, he said, "I want to trust you...but I don't know how to anymore..."
 
I just smiled. "I don't know how to, either," was my reply. "But I bet we could learn from each other, however corny that sounds."

"But- but-" the counselor stuttered. She looked stricken, and for a split second I felt almost sorry for her. Almost. "But nothing," I said to her. "I can help him, not you. No student in the school really trusts you. You get PAID to listen, and report everything they say-because we're 'dangerous', or 'unstable'."

I stood, dragging Allistair with me. "We're leaving," I said, as the cop stood to intercept me. "He won't die, you foolish people." I brushed past him, but paused to whisper something in his ear that made his eyes go wide. "Comon, Allistair," I said, tugging gently on his hand. "They won't bother you anymore."

And we left.
 
Allistair was in a state of shock when Nova was leading him out of the room. He wasn't sure what she had said to the officer, but it had really gotten to him, for he didn't follow them. As they left the infirmary, Allistair's dark eyes were watching Nova, wondering why she would care about him this much. That stricken, fearful look was gone from his eyes now, and it was clear that he was pulling himself back to the safe side, but he still looked a bit shell-shocked.

"Thank you..." he told her once they were far enough away. "For all that back there..."
 
I squeezed his hand and let go. "You reminded me of someone I knew, a while a go." I told him with a sly smile. "And, besides that, you interest me. Hell if I let them be bias little pricks towards you." I was quiet, then, for a moment. "But, if you don't want me to, that's okay." I met his eyes. "I'm used to being nobody."
 
"No...I don't mind at all." He smiled sadly for her, slightly wishing that her hand was still in his. Running his hand through his hair, he sighed before saying, "I really wasn't thinking of jumping...maybe when I was twelve or something, but not now. That counselor thinks that I'm an inch away from stepping off the ledge, when I've spent two years telling her that it's not true."
 
My hand still felt like his was still in it, and I crossed my arms to banish the feeling. "Counselors are bias little pieces of crap," I said. "They listen to you, sure, but they don't take it into account, like, 'Oh, the wind's howling', or something. I was pretty positive you weren't jumping, or had jumped, so I decided to get you out of there." The feeling that his hand was still in mine remained, and it bothered me, so I reached back and found his hand again, offering no explanation or apology for doing it. It just felt... Right.

I looked back at him with a smile for him, then tugged him towards the direction of my dorm area. "Have you ever sang before?" I asked him coyishly as we walked. I had an idea, suddenly.
 
Almost immediately, a blush appeared on Allistair's face. "No," he answered slowly, connecting the dots to where it was going. "Not really..." Sighing softly, he couldn't hold back a smile. This would be...interesting...

Glad when he was holding her hand again, he gently laced his fingers through hers, squeezing her hand softly. She definitely had guitarist's hands, the callouses on her fingers, the rugged feel of her palms. Yet, he thought they were perfect. And he was able to hold them in his hands. Amazing.
 
I laughed softly at his blush. "Well," I replied, "Too bad." I smiled a little when he squeezed my hand as we approached my dorm. I unlocked the door and pulled him inside, closing the door behind him. I grabbed my guitar and strummed it, to make sure it was in tune. "Who would've thought the boy could fly...?" I murmured.
 
Allistair glanced around her room before looking to her as she strummed a few strings on her guitar. Sitting down on her bed, he sighed softly, looking around at her room. It felt distinctly like Nova, from the smell to the sight to the sound of her guitar. Smiling softly at her, he said, "What do you want me to sing?"
 
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