Haven't taken any anti-depressants 'nor anti-psychotics for over two and one-half years now after over thirteen years of ups and downs of both changing medication and consistent issues in 'fitting in' during my years at school. By far, the worst thirteen years of my short life; and sadly, that is half my life up to this point. It wasn't until my last year of 'public education' (more like my last year of prison) that I came to a vast realization and yet in the wake of it, I felt even more powerless than I ever had. The realization was "how little these people know of my life" and yet, I still allowed their words and actions to push through and effect my life. Though my situation was much different than that wonderful yet immensely depressing but uplifting video, I too had my fill of medication and treatments. Two different occasions I found myself in a psych ward after, and excuse me for my lack of better words, "LOSING MY SHIT". But of course, drugs such as Lithium should not be used on a thirteen year old and after a dose a day for a year take him off of ALL medication.
But that... is a different story, my oh so amusing yet incredibly horrible time spent in psych hospitals.
I understand the pain, but suicide of all things, never made sense to me. I suppose its a concept that I could never quite grasp; the act of a being knowingly and willingly ending its own life. Though I can relate to the pain, whenever I hear of suicide I can't help but turn a blind eye. It's a disgusting act for any being to attempt.
But that's beside the point.
The confusion created after years of being pelted with insults against your own persona can have far reaching consequences, some of which we all have heard about through news or word of mouth. Though in many cases, many people come to the conclusion of "pre-existing conditions" that somehow go beyond the social interactions this person had on a daily basis, school or not. Yet, its those many years of ridicule that warp a person from what we call 'normal', because this person may be convinced to such a degree that they really are different and one day, without thought, they have become different. People begin to notice and usually in ways one would've hoped to steer away from and yet, the curb of life has rolled them back toward that crossfire of words spitting from ignorant lips.
As stated in that video, "children can be cruel" is a double edged blade. It is both true and an excuse. In more cases than naught, it is poor education from the parents of said child and other authority figures that should teach decency, manners and respect rather than succumb to sloth and place a television set or some paid sitter. But no matter how I put it, the result is still there staring us in the face, finding the cause is a separate, but related, matter.
But back to my original notion....
Public schools.
These places are no longer a place to have your child be taught of the world through good teachers and teaching methods, but rather, how to be one of four things. A target. A sheep. A fool. Or a conformist. It is sad to see this continue, even though I've not set foot in a school for the past eight years, I can still remember what it was like to go to a place you didn't want to be; not because of "oh mom, I don't wanna go to school" but because "if I go to school today, I'll face those people again and again and again..." The amount of teens I know these days who are home schooled has multiplied quite a bit. Nobody wants to send their child to a prison and yet, that is what happens when that bus pulls up and you send them on their way.
And as a side note, having been diagnosed on numerous accounts with varying degrees of Bipolar or being manic-depressive, Acute Paranoid Schizophrenia, Aspergers and something to do with autism. These were all diagnosis's of a ten year old hyperactive boy with a sprawling imagination and desire to explore the world after but a few short years of hostility from peers during and after schooling. Thirteen years, roughly two-dozen anti-depressants, five anti-psychotics, two extended stays in a psych ward and six staples and a metal plate put in my head later I couldn't take it any more and stopped taking my medication altogether. Now most people would probably think, "Oh, well he's gonna go psycho." Of which, I have to say the month afterward was the hardest point in my entire life, struggling between my suddenly realized desire to keep it all suppressed under layers of meds or just let it all out and roll with the punches.
After numerous psychological evaluations and practically threatened to become a ward of the state I feel I've overcome a rather long obstacle course. Though I do realize I sometimes say and do things that can be rather abnormal, I've found I've a much easier time fitting into this world, considering the vast network of information created by humanity is an engine of insanity, so what better way to fit in than to be an insane cog among a series of normal gears whirring day to day.
