Thoughts, grave visiting and not being able to go.

[dragonesper]

I'm not going to put a prefix on this, I just need to write this out and see if I can reach a answer or not.

January 2012 my boyfriend took his own life. May 25th is the day that was his birthday. These last two years I've visited his grave near the date of his birthday and this year I won't be able to. Last fall I started studying again so I've been fairly busy with school and getting a job to help with the economy. I live alone and with the monthly expenses, food etc a job has been a necessity to lighten the worries a limited funds the student loans granted by the state in Norway has a tendency to bring. Rent takes at least half of the funds for a student here.

I've recently gotten a fulltime job, which is great, and I start working starting May. Thing is, as a new hire I can't suddenly request several days off, and I don't have the money to cover for travel in any case.
I'm not comfortable with not going, not being able to and skipping out on the one time of the year I take a seven hour trip to visit his grave and catch up with people I know.

I know I can't help it. I know that if I explained myself to my employer she'd be understanding, but I know that even if I did ask for those days off it wouldn't do good for my responsibilities as a new hire. I also have exams at the end of May.
Urgh, so in short: I don't like the way things have turned out. It's a situation I have to live with but I don't like it. Being an adult bites.

 

[Gwazi Magnum]

Technically you could always see if your hiring/working doesn't start until after you visit his grave, and simply plan the trip to start earlier than usual.
That way you get to do the visit and it's not dipping out of work to do so.

If nothing does work though?
I don't know what your beliefs are with souls and the like, but assuming you do believe in that stuff I think he'd be understanding of your situation.
And you could always do something such as remember him from home, (play a game, watch a movie you both liked etc) and see if you can call the people you normally see while visiting the grave.

 

[Space Cowboy]

You, me, or anyone-- we should not give ourselves to the Dead in such a way; to do for memorial so much that it hurts our own living and every day life.

We should remember them fondly, but not at the expense of ourselves.

But, just because you can't go to his grave site, doesn't mean you do a disservice in memorializing his life. Take a memory you have a think on it, and smile. Call someone that you two made a Power Trio with and laugh for a half hour over something silly you did. Or sit in quiet reflection over how he changed your life, or you his, however briefly.

That is how you can memorialize the dead, especially for someone so close to you. They don't care that you can't make an arbitrary trip, or bring flowers. They care about the memories, and the love.

 

[dragonesper]

I already know those facts very well, plus I do have my own kind of rituals for those times I don't visit him (like his death anniversary).

I'm simply just uncomfortable with not going that one time of the year I make sure to have both time and money to go.

With the risk of repeating myself: I'm fully aware that no one will blame me if I don't go. It's mostly that I don't like it and wish I could go "screw it" and go anyways. Though I'm adult enough to recognize the selfishness and idiocy it would've been to not care and go.

 

[Dervish]

I can relate; one thing I really tried to do was make time to visit my grandparents' grave a few towns over anytime I was in the area when I started getting out on my own and had reliable transportation. It felt good to go there and it really felt like I was sharing their company again whenever I went, and I think it's a good and healthy thing to observe time to remember those who've passed who are close to us. I am sorry about what you must have been through with your boyfriend taking his own life, and I know we don't know each other, but if you need somebody to talk to about anything, feel free to drop me a line.

Anyways, a big employment opportunity came to me that made me decide to move across the country knowing that not only would I not be able to visit my grandparents' grave, but I wouldn't be able to get home anytime somebody in my family got sick or passed away (which has been an uncomfortably high number in 3.5 years; seriously, it's numbing to think about how unfair it's been for my family since I moved out here with all the fatal illnesses and what not that materialized out of friggin' nowhere), and it's something I've had to come to terms with.

I know your boyfriend would understand your situation, and he wouldn't want you fretting over being unable to visit his grave, I'm sure. It's the thought that counts, and well, if you feel like he knows when you're there, I'd like to think our loved ones know when we're thinking about them in general. I don't know if you'll ever really get the chance to go that way again (7 hours is an excessively long way out of the way), but keep in mind if you're in the area that you can always make a detour to visit. It's not the dates or anniversaries that matter so much as the fact you try to get there when you can.

Maybe for the anniversaries, you could do something like light a candle for him or make an effigy?