This isn't what you think

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Hydronine, Dec 7, 2010.

  1. This year, I've learned many things.... I've fucked up, but I got back on my feet. Shit happened, but I've come to accept it. I've learned that life isn't as you think, and sometimes, a reason isn't needed for something to happen to you.

    But at this moment, I've finally achieved what I've waited years for. When I was wronged and deceived years ago, even only months ago, I still blamed myself. I was still believing her words, and yet at the same time, I was trying to move on while I was still standing still.

    After I made her leave, because of the way I thought of the situation, I was afraid of it happening again. I was afraid of being abused, of being taken advantage of, of being told that everything was my fault and I deserved what I was getting.

    For a long time, I just couldn't deal with that. It drove me nuts. So I'd take on everyone else's situation, work with problems that weren't my own. Those problems were much easier to deal with, but I thought that I also was trying to redeem myself for what I thought I was in the wrong for.

    Don't get me wrong, I still love helping people, especially members on Iwaku, but it was going to extremes in RL. And then I wouldn't understand why it would follow me here. I'll admit, I was an idiot with that one.

    I've been confused for a very long time. Hell, when I first came to Iwaku, I was fresh from the abuse and still wanting to go back to her and apologize for telling her to leave me alone.

    But now.... I feel like with counseling, and with being able to learn how to stand up for myself a little more, I'm getting past all of this. I've been thinking for far too long that it will always be a part of me, that I'll always feel different and more fucked up than other kids my age

    Not anymore. It is part of my past, and it may be a huge deciding factor in the way I am today, but I proud to say that I feel like I finally got through this accursed gauntlet.

    There are much more important things in life.

    So, I feel a lot better about myself, and I feel..... like a load has been taken off my back. I feel like I'm able to help people a lot more than I was before.

    I know this sounds.... a little corny, but I'm actually VERY happy right now, a lot happier than I have been.
  2. Glad to here it, mah dear.
  3. :3 Love you, TK~
  4. Thank you. I'm just glad that I'm actually back on my feet again after so many years of feeling like I wasn't worthy of really walking amongst other people. I no longer feel like I'm dirty or tainted, or that it's my fault, or that I deserved it... and it's taken such a long time.... but I feel so relaxed now!
  5. 'tis very good to hear.
  6. Welcome to the world of post-trauma crazy acceptance. XD We have cookies here.
  7. good stuff matey.
  8. Thanks TC, Diiiiiiii, and WMD!
  9. It's great that things are looking up, TK! I think every experience, good or awful, teaches us things, and can help us become better people. I hope things continue to work out for the better for you Swiff.