Thinking on Screen (TRIGGER WARNING: Mention of Suicide and Mental Health)

ClericalError

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Original poster
LURKER MEMBER
FOLKLORE MEMBER
Posting Speed
  1. Speed of Light
  2. Multiple posts per day
  3. 1-3 posts per day
Online Availability
Weekdays- 8AM-5PM Central Daylight Time (GMT -5) Weekends- Rarely available
Writing Levels
  1. Intermediate
Preferred Character Gender
  1. Male
  2. Female
  3. Primarily Prefer Female
No one’s online, no one is home, no one is present outside my head and too many people are present inside. All day I’ve been crying on and off, struggling with myself, unable to breathe unable to speak unable to live with myself. My stomach hurts so much, I’m so hungry but there’s just enough food in the house to last one person three weeks and my husband works. My husband contributes, he pulls this marriage alone so he needs it. He deserves it more than I so I will sit here in my chair that has become a part of me and watch mukbangs and cooking videos on YouTube and hope that I swallow enough of my own drool that my stomach will stop hating me as much as I hate myself.

My therapist told me no more working after I lost my job and tried to kill myself in February. Major Depressive disorder- Severe social Anxiety- PTSD- he threw those words at me like they were the keys to unlocking my insanity yet here I am still trapped inside, staring at a door with no keyhole and wondering what it’ll take to survive. No money for therapy, no money for medication, no money for food, no money for bills all because I failed. My husband deserves better. I can only imagine what he deals with, being chained to a puzzle made of pieces that refuse to go together. Find something you’re good at they say. Use your smarts they say. Joke’s on you because what I’m good at is putting on a happy face and telling my family they don’t have to hide the knives any more so they’ll move on and focus on the more important parts of their lives. I’m going to be 27 at the end of November. 27 and nothing to show for it. I used to have dreams. I used to aspire to be something and now I aspire to be able to get out of bed tomorrow.

I ask for help. Never hurts to ask for help I’ve been told and it’s true but when so many people need the same help you need, you become one voice among millions, never quite loud enough or popular enough or beautiful enough or different enough to grab anyone’s attention and eventually you realize that you’re just taking the place of someone who has a chance to be heard so you just… stop talking. You tell yourself your family doesn’t need the burden of you coming to them with your problems- they have their own lives to deal with so you pull away from them and let them live their lives, not wanting your presence to taint their happiness. You become a stranger all over again.

I say you- I mean I.