Things you never thought you'd say

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Scripturient, Jan 19, 2015.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. As a parent, I've found myself saying and asking quite a few things that I never thought would come out of my mouth in my entire life, for example....

    How did you rip a chunk of your ear lobe off? (My son got his earlobe caught on a nail while he was playing on a friend's wooden swing set.)

    Why did you stick a pill in your ear? (My son again. At four he found an Aleve that I dropped on the floor, and before I could find it he found it and shoved it in his ear. The explanation at the ER was rather embarrassing.)

    No, you can't suddenly become a cat. (My daughter)

    Why is there sweet potatoes on the ceiling? (Thank you Thanksgiving day food fight!)

    Who thought it was a good idea to try and stick a lego in the DVD player?

    No, you can't be allergic to TV. (Thank you Dr. Santez for telling my daughter that you can be allergic to TV screens...)

    No, daddy is not my brother, that would be against the law. (When my sister called my husband her brother in law, my kids assumed that meant he was my brother....)

    No one drew with crayon on daddy's back, it's a tattoo.

    No matter how high you jump, you're not going to be able to touch the moon.

    The list could probably go on and on for the rest of my life. Anyway, what I want to know is; is this only a parent thing, or is there anyone else that has found themselves saying or asking something that made them go 'Wtf did I just say?'
    • Love Love x 2
  2. "Anything is a dildo if you're brave enough." - My words in regards to my boss, who was standing with his boss, and his boss's boss when he joked about landing on a post and it ramming him in the butt. The silence was so heavy you could cut it with a knife.
    • Like Like x 5
    • Love Love x 5
  3. Yep, this happens to me all the time. For example...

    "No, you cannot change which way north is." - To a classmate about the workings of a compass for a school project.

    "I am weilding a spatula of doom, and I am not afraid to use it." - When my sisters and little cousins attempted to get their hands on the brownie batter I was mixing. Baking is rarely an easy task with them around.

    "As awesome as that would be, you simply can't be Batman when you grow up." - The kid I babysit has a certain love for superheroes, resulting in this comment.

    "Don't worry, you won't be attacked by malevolent ghosts on a quest for vengence." - my pathetic attempt at reassuring my youngest sister after she watched a movie involving aforementioned ghosts.

    "The snowman seriously isn't going to talk." - This kind of moment is why I'm a bit fed up with Frozen.

    "Why is my DVD collection in the freezer?" - I never did get a straight answer.

    "No, Mom, vegetarian does not mean that you don't eat seafood." - I have no idea how the hell that happened.
    #3 SkyStar14, Jan 20, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 2, 2015
    • Like Like x 2
  4. "No, I've tried to kill a child once. They don't die." - My response to a friend, who asked about whether or not children in Skyrim could get hurt.
    • Love Love x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  5. "I like country music."

    I grew up in suburban southern California, in an affluent neighborhood. My childhood was filled with pop, punk rock, hip-hop, and R&B. The casette tapes and CDs that I had as a kid were Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Brandy, Blink 182, Yellowcard, Boyz II Men, N*Sync, Backstreet Boys, Missy Elliot, Dr. Dre, Eminem, and 2pac.. that stuff.

    I'd never heard a country song in my life from beginning to end, and all of my friends stubbornly (perhaps ignorantly) insisted that they hated country music. Not wanting to seem odd, I repeated after them, so many times that I actually started to believe it. Eventually throughout college and in the real world I learned to think like my own person, and actually gave country music a fair shake (along with some other genres I originally thought I didn't like, like dubstep). Turns out I'm far more musically open-minded than I thought, and I find something appealing about the soulful, carefree, top-down-on-the-open-road feel of country.

    So, yeah, I'll say it. I'm the most country Asian girl you've ever met.
    • Like Like x 1
  6. I can be quite silly with my friend group and honestly, we get into odd situations where we all can't help but remark how we're probably the only humans who have uttered such and such a statement.

    Just over the past few days I've said things like, "British children are not bread" in reference to a friend's inability to spell, as well as, "Dear god, get your narwhal off of Meryl Streep's face", because that stuffed narwhal was making it hard to apply the adhesive strips to the poster I was trying to hang.
    • Like Like x 1
  7. "Oh, your pussy is hiding under this bush." Cats...
    • Like Like x 1
  8. "I have a girlfriend."
    #8 chronoVesper, Jan 20, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2015
    • Like Like x 1
  9. "Arggh!(Total pirate) This retard is biting me!!!"

    -Me in RE6 Mercenaries as blue coat Leon, after my friend made a comment about zombies possibly being just retards.
    • Like Like x 1
  10. Ah, the fun never ends in my house. I got a new one this morning.

    "No, she's not going to poop the babies out. They don't come out of her butt...." The joys of explaining kitten birth to a eight and ten year old...
  11. "please, put your eye back into your socket" A girl in my Popular Music class at College had a glass eye. It's the first and only time I've ever said something like that in a rehearsal.
    • Like Like x 1
  12. DUDE.



  13. "*gravelly screams*" -Me preparing to rip open a recently received package of vanilla marshmallows.

    "Sometimes you just have to bring the disco to the laundromat and let the ginger root run free. But if you do, Epona might choke on asparagus and then we'd be shipwrecked." -A text I sent to my boyfriend when he asked me what I was up to. I decided to let my brain just ooze out and this happened.
    • Love Love x 1

  14. And then he texted back "are you high?"
  15. Lol! Sounds like the time I was painting my nails and decided to use the "Voice to Text" option to send a text to my friend. I was trying to ask her if she thought orange was a bad color for nail polish and the text came out saying "Aren't you glad you don't have an inert penis for breakfast" Still have no idea how it got that from what I said.
    • Like Like x 1
  16. I laughed out loud at a few of these. Good job people.

    To the topic. Yup it happens quite often.

    My brother having a conversation with his ex-gf now sex friend: "I'm not a jerk. Right, J?" And I proceed to say without looking up from my laptop. "Nope, your an asshole not a jerk."

    "No, it can go in... I'll make it fit!" I yell while trying to cram a huge pack of paper towels into the trunk.

    "Kerfuffle is a real word... no I'm not full of it, I already went to the bathroom!" I argue with my friend who doesn't write as much as I do.

    "Touch my books and I'll skin your arms and legs, then cover the wounds with baking soda and viniger and laugh maniacally at your suffering, while watching your blood bubble and foam." I said to my brother who tried to throw out one of my books that was, admittedly, falling apart.... Don't touch my books.

    "What's the point of being sex buddies? .... No I don't know what you mean by 'having your cake and eating it too'." A conversation with my friend over skype.

    "I don't want a relationship.... Because its a bunch of complicated awkward just so the guy can put his dangalang into my whoha and I'm not having any of that kerfuffle." Me having a conversation with the same friend from before over skype while in my distant relatives home. I'm really loving the word 'Kerfuffle' lately.

    "So he's a fapping jewish dragon that has a fetish to cars? How does that work?" At one of Brovo's roasts.
    • Love Love x 1
  17. Oh the entertainment value!

    "I've got some spotted dick! Who wants some?" This is a legitimate food. It's a simple English dessert made from pudding and dried fruit.
  18. So many times. I've got some very witty but inappropriate friends, and I usually just let them make the outrageous jokes and stick to good old sarcasm. When we were travelling, though, I decided to shock them and for the whole three weeks just let rip with whatever funny comments came to mind. The other week I was back home and we decided to play a game where we quoted things said on the trip and the others present had to guess who said it. Nobody ever guessed me, considering the comparative reputations of me versus those who were with me, which just made their surprise all that more delicious.

    I think "I'd hit a child if I wanted to" and "we should just, like, gas all of Germany" brought the most laughter and surprise. "Slutbert is always ready for a fisting" and "please don't be that guy we see in the papers 10 years from now under the title 'man ejaculates on ancient Roman mosaic'" were close runners-up.

    There are a lot more, but those ones have a nice little backstory so I'll leave it there.
  19. "No you cannot check how much someone loves you by cutting open their chest."

    "Coke is also used by police to clean blood off the road." While talking about the uses of Coke in Health class.
  20. "I'm an author, I know a lot of things. For example, I know how to kill a man with a toothbrush. I also know how much his organs would sell for on the black market."- when my coworkers asked what I actually do outside of work, and then started to diss me when I said I write stuff.

    "In that regard, politicians are like potato salad."- I was talking about politics, and somebody told me not to mix the old potato salad with the new, because it would ruin the new one.

    "If you try and make coffee that black, the Americans are going to invade because they think you stole their oil."- after my coworkers teased me for drinking tea and not their black coffee, which they said was actually not that black.

    "Oh god no that is NOT how gay sex works. Shut up before you embarrass yourself, or I feel obliged to explain it in great detail in a hopeless effort to educate you."- once again, a conversation between me and my coworkers over lunch.
    • Like Like x 1
    • Love Love x 1
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.