Things you never thought you'd say

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"David Cameron isn't that crazy"

Still a cunt gobbler though.
 
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Yeah, that's just the soda bottle ghost.

(before Brovo)
Stick your dick there one more time and you'll lose it.
What the FUCK do you mean you don't use CONDOMS?
No, I didn't give you a genital fungus. I'm going to give you a black eye if you insinuate I did.
PRAISE JESUS FOR A 70.01.
Sweetie, if you could solve this integral for me I'd do whatever you want, but since we're both as dense as bricks...
I'm just going to become a stripper. ... Maybe just a lap dancer. ... Fuck it I'll be a trophy wife who wants me?
Why did you put a weed whacker to your pubes?
Yeah, just keep puking it all out. ... There ya go, good boy. More water and more vomiting.

College is weird.
 
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"She really should grow some balls."

"Holy rice fudge Illuminati muffin."

"I totally love lolis." Meant lolipops at the time.

The word "Tooshie."
 
"I can't help but laugh at random niggers."
You encounter a random nigger!

Diana uses Laugh!

It's super effective!
 
Throughout the week:

"Why does the sun not praise me?"

"I ate another dude by accident and now I'm depressed. Shit."

"JUST BECAUSE I LIKE SOMEONE DOESN'T MEAN I LIKE THEM."

My personal favorite from my cousin (She's like ten):

"Did God give us global warming because we burned the Jews?"


Just today:

"Please stop trying to set me on fire."
 
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Just stuff pretzels into the wieners. It'll crunch then. Morbidly.
 
"Eat him! Come on you big sissy EAT HIM! EAT HIM!!!! Eat that squealing litle mizery, pleeeazeee! COME ON!"

// My cat finaly catching a mouse in the basement, and me cheering her on to finish it off. Ofc... she didnt, she let it go vith only a flesh-wound, being a big cudly-wudly softie :P Damn wheres that vaunted cat killer-instinct vhen you need it huh... ? //
 
"You can suck a big bag of di**s."
 
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"No that isn't blood on your elbow...and when did you have ketchup today? You had cereal for breakfast."
 
"He's sixteen and on his vampire period."
 
"Don't be a bickering bootyface."

I cuss a lot, and try not to around or at my kid. So, weird things come out when I'm trying to avoid saying "Don't be a bitch about it" lol
 
"MY INVENTORY IS FULL OF DOG RESIDUE."
 
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"Just shut up and talk to me, jerk!"
 
"You sound like an embassy"

I meant to say NPC. Dammit accent.
 
"LITERALLY EAT SHIT AND DIE, THEN GET SERVED SHIT IN HELL EVERY SECOND SO THAT YOUR EXISTENCE IS A NEVER-ENDING TRAIN OF EATING SHIT AND DIE...ING..."

(I didn't say this to an actual person, by the way, I said it after getting killed by a giant bird thing on Monster Hunter 4 Ultimate)

In fact, games of all sorts have made me rage pretty hard and say disturbingly 'creative' insults. Best not to list them all.
 
"If you think about it, Shitting yourself was a good idea"

"I'll bacon your face in a moment!"

The daily joys of life.
 
"I've done a ton! A skeleton!".
 
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