Things the Hero wouldn't say...

"So we'll lurk in the shadows and then tackle the damsel from behind..."
 
*EOD runs past.*

"ALL THE GOD DAMNED WIRES ARE RED!!!"

"That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen...

Alright, hand me the bomb..."
-Ultra Magnus, Season 3 of Transformers

"Ours is a virtuous mission, however just because it is a 'virtuous mission' that does not mean we are to be virtuous.

I want you to do things that make dirty look clean. Things that make Hitler look like Mother Theresa. Things that will make the Geneva Convention lengthen their list of things not to do in war.

Now get out there and show the villains that the good guys can be JUST AS BAD!!!"

"Hold on, it's a Sunday. I don't work on Sunday."

"But... the Sabbath is two hours away! I can't possibly save the princess in two hours!"

"Princess, this sword can cut through flesh and bone like nothing.

Your dress and chastity belt is no exception."
 
"The monster that's been wrecking havoc is a.... giant.... man-eating vagina?......... I.... Ok, this will be easy.... I know I guy who can take care of this..... as long as you pick up the tab.."
 
"my lord, your daughter is a whiny little bitch, why would ANYONE want to save her?"
 
"Baby, you'll be famous. IF you sleep with me."
 
Please peasant. I need you to go forth and slay the dragon. With this +1 toothpick while I go to your lords manor and check out his treasury.
 
"One lump or two?"
 
*Off the record, is it wrong that I see Dante capable of AT LEAST HALF of these quotes?*

"Hey Princess, you know that whole plot thing where it seems like I'm putting you in total danger but you're totally safe because I actually have an AWESOME plan up my sleeve? Well the joke's on you AND THE FLAMBOYANT VILLAIN! Cause today I just DON'T FUCKING CARE!"

"If you're supposed to be my love interest then why do I feel the urge to locate a paper bag on my next side quest?"

"Damn Princess when the King said 'A period of great evil has befallen the kingdom' I didn't realize he meant it was that time for you."

"Hah, you refuse my sexual advances right now Princess. . . but just you wait until the fan-fiction starts rolling out. That goes for you too Princey and those succulent buttery lips."

"Yeah I know you could have used me earlier during that opening cutscene where half the people got slaughtered. . . BUT DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE HAIR LOOK THIS GORGEOUS?"

"Seriously, King, after all I've done? I can't sleep with the Princess?! Fine, then I'm taking that MILF of a queen over there who popped her out! ADIOS!"

From Shark Attack 3: "Yeah me too but I'm really wired. What do you say I. . . take you home and eat your pussy?"
 
"Give me all your money...and I'll consider it."

"Okay, my plan for defeating the great end-villian...Buy some hookers, he'll get a disease, and we'll steal the princess! It's FOOLPROOF!"
 
Can't we just give him AIDs and be done with it?
 
"Wow, what sort of sick, fucked up kinda plan is that. Bitch looks like a gerbil on steroids!"
 
"Oh, yeah, about that... We kinda left the princess because, well...

SHE WAS A BITCH!!!

Why in the fuck did you neglect to tell us that SHE WAS ON THE RAG!?

She bled on my horse! HE'S TRAUMATIZED NOW!!! PAY HIS REHABILITATION, GOD DAMMIT!!! PAY IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"King, just how much do you love your daughter, if you catch my drift..."

"Yeah, I'm holding the princess ransom now. You want her, give me your kingdom and GTFO!!!
 
Why don't I just kill this poor bastard of a king, and send all the peasants in the kingdom to do this for me?
F*** this, I quit.
Hey, Ganondorf? Got room for a partner?
 
I'm TRYING to give a shit.... really.... I am... Hey, pass me a beer."
 
"Right, I did what you asked- I killed the bad guy. What? Oh, no, no, no, our original agreement of payment is not nearly enough. See, now that he's dead, I've also claimed his powerful weapon of arcane magic, which now places all his undead army under my command. So here are my demands...
 
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