Things the Hero wouldn't say...

[Darkness]

"OK, I've just about had my FILL of riddle asking, quest assigning, insult throwing, pun hurling, hostage taking, iron mongering, smart arsed fools, freaks, and felons that continually test my will, mettle, strength, intelligence, and most of all, patience! If you've got a straight answer ANYWHERE in that bent little head of yours, I want to hear it pretty damn quick or I'm going to take a large blunt object roughly the size of Elminster AND his hat, and stuff it lengthwise into a crevice of your being so seldom seen that even the denizens of the nine hells themselves wouldn't touch it with a twenty-foot rusty halberd! Have I MADE myself perfectly CLEAR?!"

You can't beat a classic.

 

[Hydronine]

That is excellent!

"What do you mean by: "You just took Opium"? What's Opium?"

 

[BZA]

"What's a sword?"

 

[Arsenal XA4]

"Wait, can't I just, y'know, sneak the damsel out of the tower without having to fight the dragon?"

"That's the dragon?" *Insert brown noise here.* "I think I just shit myself..."

 

[Hecatoncheires]

"....Where'd you say this mountain was, again?"

 

[BZA]

"Alright. You go first."

 

[Arsenal XA4]

Taken directly from Jungle Strike:

"An evil genius you say? Why can't we deal with an evil idiot for a change?"

 

[BZA]

"I'm afraid of horses. And castles. And princesses."

 

[Ochalla]

"Oh, look at the time. I need to meet the boys down at the bar for a game of hearts. So sorry I have to come back to foil your evil father's plan some other time."

 

[Drew]

"I need a napkin?"

"I like bunny slippers"

"My nails are still wet, can you get that for me"

 

[Hydronine]

I CAN'T FIGHT THAT! It's hideous...

 

[Delnoir]

"The world can save its own ass for once! I'm going on vacation!"

 

[Ochalla]

"Well since you're already tied up how about a quickie?"

 

[Arsenal XA4]

"Why does it have to be a princess? Why can't it be a prince for once?"

 

[Hydronine]

"I WANT MY FIVE MILLION DOLLARS AND I WANT IT NOW!"

 

[megane-kun]

Why am I bothering with all of these fetch quests? Can I just go directly to the big bad and kick his ass?

 

[Arsenal XA4]

"Y'know what? Fuck this hero bullshit. All I get for my travels is a bitch who doesn't put out when I say she should!

I'm switching sides, motherfuckers."

 

[Hydronine]

Who wants a body massage?

 

[Ike Sapphire]

"Is there a bathroom around here?"

 

[Hydronine]

.... EAT MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!111!!!!!!