The Whinings of a Mutt

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Laggy Lagiacrus, Aug 3, 2013.

  1. Where do I begin this thread, if I don't even know where the problem started?
    I should be happy. I don't remember anything in my life that made me this way. I got bullied, sure, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. It went on for a while, but I stuck it to them, with no lasting psychological damage.
    My life is nothing remarkable, with no major events to set me out from the crowd. Some people are nice to me, more people hate my guts, a vast majority couldn't care less what happened to me. This is normal to me. I've lived with it, and I have no problem with it.
    I don't suffer from any medical conditions, physical or psychological. Hell, the worst injury I've ever received is probably a nasty graze from falling over.
    And yet, I still can't stop myself from feeling like a sack of shit.

    Perhaps it's just growing pains. If I just need to wait it out, and man up, then tell me. I am young, I am an idiot. You will have to be blunt and give it to me outright, to get your explanation through this thick skull of mine. Perhaps I'm just naturally the kind of person you'd never want to become friends with. You can scoff all you like, but my attitude on the forums is far friendlier than the approach I take to other human beings in real life.
    Or perhaps you're good at psychology, and you'd like to diagnose me? It won't be as effective as meeting me face-to-face, but you're welcome to try.

    What is my problem, you ask? Put simply, I don't feel right. And it's not just the chest pains, the throbbing headaches, the inability to sleep properly and/or regularly, and the feeling of being sick to my stomach for no good reason. I don't feel like myself.

    For years, I have only wanted people to like me. Don't think I had parental issues, because I didn't. I have good parents. For some reason, that escapes me completely, all I have ever wanted, was for people to applaud me, and to make me feel like I was actually worth something. And before you spout things like "you matter to some people," don't say that. Because I know I matter to them, and I respect that. But I'm the buttmonkey of EVERY group I'm in. They look at me like I'm some kind of outcast. perhaps I am. I haven't seen one place where I have EVER felt at ease. I have put on mask after mask, using fake personalities to make people like me. And do you know why? Because people don't like my real self.
    And don't tell me to be myself. that's the worst thing you CAN tell me. And do you want to know why? Because the real me is practically one step away from being a psychopath. I manipulate people. I don't make friends, I make people I can use later on. I don't love people, I am physically incapable of feeling anything more than mild chest pains, and that's probably down to a genetic heart defect. I do things for my gain, and my gain only. I don't give a damn about morals, I want to be successful, and live long enough to enjoy it, no matter who gets trodden on along the way. I don't just accept that people who lie, steal and cheat get into the highest-paying jobs possible - I admire them. Because they were smarter than everyone else. They cut away their morals for personal gain, and their only mistake was that they were caught, in my eyes. The only thing holding me back, is the knowledge that this isn't the right way of behaving. I think it the best, but I don't think it right. And I'm *this* close to changing my mind. So tell me again, what's so good about being one step away from the very kind of person you would cross the street to avoid?

    Now let's not forget the slow decay of my own sanity brought about by the fact that I have buried myself beneath layer upon layer of masks. When I look in the mirror, I don't see myself, I see a person moulded to fit the expectations of society. Like Hell I'm a docile, somewhat eccentric joker. Quite frankly, I would love the chance to shoot someone, and would draw up a list if asked. And keeping up this charade is literally driving me crazy. I can feel my grip on mental stability slipping. It's slow, and it's painful, but beneath the masks, I am crumbling like a granola bar.

    And so, we come to my "solution." It wasn't exactly a smart decision, but it was the only one I could take without having to go to anyone else about my problems.
    And no, I won't go to anyone about them. Any person who trusts me, will not be trusted by me in return. Any person stupid enough to is nothing more than another person for me to twist to my agenda.
    So, where was I? Oh, right, the solution. Well, what I did, was I made myself numb. Emotionally. I cut of my emotions. Oh, it wasn't easy, and it was more painful than I could ever have imagined. But living life free from the burden of our pitiful emotions was something I had longed for. To be able to just focus on surviving, and to do what animals like humans were supposed to do: survive, no matter the cost.
    But this backfired. I could never cut myself off completely, not without help. My emotions experienced sporadic exposure to the outside world, and I began to feel regret for abandoning myself. Me, feeling regret for anything other than failing.

    Trouble is, I don't know what caused this, all I know is that I'm in a hole I managed to somehow dig. And I'm probably not coming out of it. There is someone beneath this mask of friendliness who is VERY eager to meet you all, and only some twisted sense of what's right and what's wrong is keeping him there. I'd be very happy to know what set off me managing to become... well, this... but we all know that's about as likely as hen's teeth.
    Now, Iwaku, I don''t want your sympathy. Take it to someone who gives a shit. I want answers. How do I solve this? What exactly is wrong with me, other than being a pissy little brat who can't appreciate what he's got? I don't give half a damn if you've been through the same thing, or if you are. If you have answers, if you have clues, if you have anything that'll set my head on straight, feel free to mention it.

    Oh, and one more thing, anyone suggesting I see a therapist can show themselves to the little "X" in the corner of the window, that promptly closes it. I do not trust my thoughts to the people closest to me, because I don't want them knowing anything's wrong with me. They might not be able to be used by me afterwards. Why would I trust myself to a complete stranger, who I cannot be sure actually cares about me? I don't trust anyone. Least of all someone who wants to have shits and giggles with my brain. I'm only posting here because I'm anonymous, and can turn tail any time I please.

    Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to not post for as long as I bloody well please. I can imagine that I've made a few of you annoyed, angry, or just plain frustrated. So that's why I'm leaving. I don't know when I'll be back, if ever. Just don't expect me to be any sort of friendly, because frankly, I'm sick and tired of putting on a civil act, when all I want to do, is be a better person. Well, not personality-wise, but in terms of mental stability and being able to survive.
    I'd say goodbye, but that's short for God be with you or something, and he's about as real as my eleventh toe.
  2. I do apologize if my posting a response means nothing, but I do feel for you. In a sense I can relate, but then I can not because, well you know, I'm not you. But I can say this, I've been through most of what you've felt, now is it the same? By no means is it. But you're not alone. And I think it took a lot to write this on here, and for that I applaud you. I do hope things get better for you. I know life sucks sometimes, and you get that unforgiving nag in the back of your mind that something is off...Not that it would be of an significance, bu shoot me a message if you want to chat. Sometimes all it takes is someone to listen.