The Two-Sentence Story

I used to be the loser who played a lot of zombie games, but now I'm so popular I have to beat the ladies off with a stick. Mostly because they're all zombies.
 
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Someone once told me that the world was a funny place. So why am I not laughing?
 
Finally polished and cleaned she set the cleaning supplies aside, admiring her work with it's bronzed gleam. "My love, you look even more dashing as a statue," she whispered to the bronzed man as only his eyes moved.
 
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You bring out the best in me, which is great in a lover.

It's not so great in a CFO, though, so I guess you're fired.
 
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Tomato, tomatoe. Potato, potatoe.
 
Every night, the mother would listen to her baby cry. She wouldn't go comfort him, for the crib was empty.
 
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I've heard the British saying "Big motor, small willy." What I want to know is... who's Willy?
 
I saw roadkill today. Guess what's for dinner?

(I live in Texas, my dad and I make jokes like this all the time.)
 
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They say laughter makes you live longer, so I believed it sincerely and laughed as much as I could. Well, they could've told me laughing at someone could get you killed, but now, it's too late.
 
Wanna know a secret about the Easter Bunny? Tastes just like chicken.
 
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He fell to his knees, blood running from between his fingers as he tried to stop the bleeding.

Yet even as his vision faded he smiled, his death ment the lives of his kingdom, he was happy.
 
In the dark shadows of her kitchen, she weeped over the mangled corpse of her father. She never meant to kill him, but when he lunged at her, the knife she was clenching found his body...43 times.
 
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He began to craft all his death threats into origami cranes to stop him from reading them. But if you saw the herds on his windowsills from outside, you would never guess what they meant.
 
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She stood on top of the building watching the sun go down with tears her eyes, shakily she took a picture of a boy out of her pocket. Letting go of it, watching the wind blow it away, "Good bye," She says with more tears in her eyes.
 
She shuffled her tarot cards as, the Death card slipped between her fingers and met the hard wooden floor. And his last words were :"My love, let's dance tonight."
 
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