The Threaded Path for Two RitaXGoran

It was a slightly painful moment for me as I began to explain things, but when I put myself into Masou's arms it was like the pain melted away from my ice and the shadows lifted. I was just so happy, then I said;"Promise me you'll never leave."
I didn't understand why I said that. Yes I miss him and want to be with him, but shouldn't he be the one telling me that? Kinda felt silly after the fact. The night went rather smoothly which I was surprised then we started to hang out more. But, they didn't go as smoothly. What was happening to me? I was really fucking up it seemed.
We kept talking about taking things slow and such but things like that don't exactly process in my head. Slow did not mean slow in my head. I knew what it meant, but I kept feeling it wasn't. One night we went to a pizza shop because I was hungry and ordered a calzone. Yum! But I wasn't exactly focused. Not the greatest state of mind when Masou was trying to talk to me about things. Sadly, I been thinking a lot of us but me and thinking gets into a lot of trouble which may be why I am never focused on one thing like a child on shrooms. I ended up saying something along the lines of how I didn't want to continue. Or something. All I remember was it was foolish. Once we got our food we sat in my car that I am so proud of since I painted it. But I was being un-cooperative like always. I always have a had time talking and it's usually when things are head on, but it wasn't because I didn't like to talk. It was more of I didn't know how or could never think with being in a head on conversation. Thus Masou doesn't know or understand that, so when I don't talk or detour things he can get pretty frustrated. Oops. Probably should tell him that, but doesn't that sound kind of stupid to tell someone you don't know how to talk?
Again things get a bit rough, then I took him home. We sat in my car for a bit before we went separate ways.
 
I loved that we got to hang out a lot, I missed seeing her. We agreed to take things slow, to go on dates rather than just jumping into a relationship so quickly. Things were going good on that front so far. We never really planned too much, just seeing each other was what was important. One night we went out and got some calzones for dinner. It was raining, so that pretty much left us to talk in the car. I don't remember too much about what we discussed, all I remember is her dodging questions like usual. That frustrates the hell out of me. How am I supposed to know how you feel or if I am doing something you don't like if you don't talk to me? Anyhow, we ate and went back to my place. It was still raining and in the interests of not leaving just yet we just chilled in the car for at least an hour. Talked a bit, attempted some awkward cuddling. She was always a strange one, which I loved. "I licked your finger. And there's nothing you can do about it" Breccia told me. I laughed a little, or at least I think I did. I know I did internally. But I decided I wanted to take a chance with things, mentioned that she said she wanted one night with me to see if we could be in a relationship. "Tonight's not that night." she told me. "Why not Breccia?" "Because I said so." I kind of thought she would say that. What I said next I don't really remember too well beyond I took a chance and decided to kiss her on the lips. I was about to pull away, but she kept kissing me. We kissed for a minute or so, when she told me to leave. I wanted another kiss, but she responded with "we're taking it slow, remember? Slow!" she half shouted. It was cute. I came off feeling really good about things, but at the same time, I wasn't sure where we stood. That kiss though...it was unexpected. What did that mean for us?
 
Before the night was over Masou brought up how I wanted a night with him to see if a relationship was possible, which was true. But tonight wasn't the night as I mentioned to him. I just didn't feel right that night, I actually been bugged all night with different things I kept thinking about not that I told him any of it or most of it at least. Then things started to get kind of awkward and kept saying how he wanted to do something but he didn't know if he should which I thought, if you want to do something do it, but if you keep dwelling on it then it isn't worth it. What happened next was way over my head, we kissed then it went a little further. Who took it further? Wasn't a question I could answer. I am not gonna lie, I liked it but it was way too soon and more then likely not needed. Or was it? I am not too sure. The kiss started to make me panic, then I started to pinpoint it in my head. I told him to leave but of course he always seems too damn stubborn to leave, especially when he has a question.
The drive home wasn't the greatest. I couldn't focus worth a damn, but I luckily made it back without killing myself. But the night wasn't over for me, all I could think about was the kiss.
Did that kiss mean something?
I had no clue, then I started to back off once again and again did I mess up because at some point I ended up telling Masou,
"I didn't feel anything from the kiss..." Did I lie? Probably. Was I aware of it at the time? No...
 
"I don't know what you felt, but the kiss, it didn't really do anything for me." Everything stopped making sense when Breccia told me that. Nothing added up, she came over my house....wearing the same dress as she did when we went to winter formal, we went on a few dates, we kissed....everything pointed to her having feelings for me and then she throws that at me. I admit, I choked up a bit when I heard that, I hope she didn't notice on the phone. I tried my best to not lash out like I normally do when I am hurt. The only silver lining she gave me was we were to "close the book" and open it another day. So Breccia would go about her life and get things done on that end while I went about my life. We could be friends, sure. But it changed things. Wasn't going to see her as much, I don't think I could after being told that. Not for a while at least. Conversation became slightly awkward for me. Words didn't flow between us any longer. But we were still friends. I detached and put it out of my mind as much as I could. I was pretty good at doing that. Ignoring my feelings so I can live without them hanging on my heart. At some point I texted her complaining about work and how things were run. To which she told me to get a better job so she wouldn't have to hear about it anymore. As well as that I always wanted things to go my way. Which hurt me in another way. Am I really that arrogant? Do I really expect things to work out in my favor all the time? Was I that blinded...? I was already confused by what she meant when she asked me if she could go on a rant. Which she did, leaving me to deal with an even bigger wound.... "I realized that I like you, but I could never love you again. If I had to be with you I would blow my brains out or yours." Blow your brains out? Awesome, I make her want to kill herself. I didn't know what to do....I felt anger, I felt hurt, I felt like a knife was thrust through my heart, twisted around, and pulled out. I wanted to stop feeling. Stop thinking. Stop everything. I don't know how I responded calmly to her. I don't know how I managed anything after that point. I don't know how I was able to continue to talk with her, despite everything that was said and done. I must be crazy. I don't think we talked too much after that. Or maybe we did. But one day she msged me on Facebook, having me check out and test this website she put together. I gave it a once over, didn't notice anything wrong with it. She was making a business, and the Goddess(s) knows why, but I offered to help her. Despite everything, I wanted to see her succeed. And I was going to help her in whatever way she required me to help. There's just something about her that I can't put my finger on, but if she needed my help, I would give 100%. No questions asked. Couldn't talk too much about it though, as I was at work. But we got to talk it more when we got dead. I was excited to see where this would take us
 
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