The only thing I can ask is "Why?"

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Hedonist Redd

Original poster
Why do I go through this? I think I might just be bipolar. But, regardless, I've had it.
I'm done.
I hate Florida, I hate myself, I hate what I've become, as well as what more I'll turn out to be. I'm angry. Sad. Suicidal. Homicidal. Genocidal.
And I can't explain why. Maybe you can help me.

My dad has Parkinson's disease, as some of you may know, and it is, inherently, a degenerative disease of the mind. About a month ago now, his condition got much worse. Overnight. He could barely stand up, or speak, and couldn't even swallow correctly to eat.
We had him taken to ORMC, Osceola Regional Medical Center, to see what was wrong. He was in there, for the better part of two to three weeks. I was home alone alot of the time, and was fine. They changed his neural implant, which helps with his Parkinson's symptoms. It had stopped working, and they replaced it. They tried to send him home, and we had to take 2 hours to get him into the car, out of the car, and into the house, with 4 or 5 people. We had him home, with me and my stepmom taking care of him. I barely went to school for about two weeks, having been up all night taking care of Dad, I also had no time to speak to my girlfriend, who I missed everyday, and wanted to talk to. My phone had been disconnected, and it was useless for a few weeks. I could talk to no one, not anybody, and I had no time of my own to talk on the computer. Then, after just a while, we got him a bit better and my stepmom could now take care of most of my dad's needs. We got my phone reconnected, and I could now talk to people with some time.
My girlfriend seemed to have moved on.
My mates in band, seemed indifferent to how long I was gone.
It was like I got thrown in a vault, which time flew by slower, and a thousand years had gone by, while it only felt like two weeks to me.
Everything had changed. I no longer gained happiness from writing. Songs seemed to just float in the air, like lazy clouds, giving no joy or relief. Games just became nothing. And worst of all?
I felt angry.
Anger. Rage, Wrath.
That's all I felt like. Hate.
I hate everything, it seems like. I used to be like a hippie. Free love, peace, and just do your own thing. It feels like I've turned into Nixon now.
Shriveled, bitter, blackened, callous Nixon.
I've never felt so damn angry in my life, and I can't explain why.
I also feel equally sad.
And I can't explain that either.
I just want to be happy.
Do I need love? A purpose? A shot to the head?
I don't know.
And I could really care less about the answer, cause I'm willing to try anything.
You know, this is a boat I'm surprisingly familiar with, despite not having the same circumstances. About a year ago, my mother ended up unable to walk. Long story very short, we discovered there was an issue in her back, and that it would take surgery and a few months of rehabilitation to fix. Thanks to some fuck ups, those months have turned into a full year. I've dropped everything in my life to take care of her: Schooling, most all of my friends, looking for a job. I spend my days sitting at the computer and browsing the internet, then going and taking care of my mother. A year is a long time to do that. I'm exhausted, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I'm tired of doing this, but I still do it.

The problem is, people outside of what we do won't really understand it. I sit here with my mother every day and help her through all her troubles, physical and emotional. And then my sister comes in here the other day and says "Oh, why don't you get a job?" She doesn't get how much I have to put into taking care of our mother - because she's not there doing it. To your friends, and your girlfriend, they don't sound as if they understand either - or as if they even made an attempt. My best, closest friends understand how tough this is on me, because they've seen me cry, break down, freak out. When this started, I knew a lot more people. But I decided to circle my wagons. The people who understand you, and who support you in these times, those are your closest friends. Those are the people who are deserving of your time, energy, and willpower to hang out with and spend time with. Not the girlfriend who moves on, obviously not caring enough to check on you. Not the band mates who brush off your time away. On top of concentrating on the friends that actually care, get out of your house for a while. I get myself out of my house every weekend, while my father is watching mom. Being able to hang out with my best friends for the weekend is a better anti-depressant than anything the doctor could slide across the counter.

These are what work for me. I can't guarantee they will work for you, but at the very least, realize that you're not alone in how you feel. There are other people who understand your problem, and we're willing to help anyway we can.
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Suicide won't help. Resorting to that would only insure that you never get the chance to feel better, and it would only make things worse for your family. Whatever anger, confusion, and despair they might be feeling now would only be multiplied.

So please don't put them through that. Check your listings, and find a hotline if you need one, but things won't get better with you dying now.

I'm going to have to agree with this:

On top of concentrating on the friends that actually care, get out of your house for a while. I get myself out of my house every weekend, while my father is watching mom. Being able to hang out with my best friends for the weekend is a better anti-depressant than anything the doctor could slide across the counter.
Thanks, Reiz. I have to second this.

My family went through a really difficult time where I was cut off from just about all outside communication, and everyone around me was either apathetic or--at the minimum--just as confused, depressed, and angry.

Unfortunately my closest friend was similarly cut off from all of his friends at the time, but when I was finally able to have some time away from home and direct causes of my problems, I began to feel at least a little better.

Whether an introvert or extravert, sometimes you just need a little time away from home and, if possible, some time with a really close friend.
I can relate, Redd, my grandmother is slowly deteriorating, and every time I'm around her, I instinctively drop everything else that I'm doing so that I can take care of her in any way that she might need. Everyone around me was always trying to tell me that I should go do this, or that, but I couldn't when I saw her trying to walk up the stairs, or trying to move past a crowd.

All I can tell you, Redd, is help your father if you need it, and also try and take care of yourself. Set up days for you to do nothing but relax. Go to a place you've always felt better at. Meet up with your true friends. If you need to, keep spilling your heart on here, because we want to help you get back on your feet. Just don't give up hope.