The most gentlemanly of insults

"Dear man, some rude people have been running around saying such things as you're not fit to sleep even with the pigs, but I must admit....I stuck up for the pigs."
 
"An unarmed man you say? A farewell to arms at that good fellow, as your wife speaks of a rather daft arm swinging between thine legs. Claims a small feline would pleasure her soft bits with a bit more bliss."
 
"Unhand that woman, knave, for you soil her honor with your indignity, and I find you unworthy of even the lowest quality of hats."
 
"I will have you know sir, my hat is far superior to yours in every way. Why that thing appears to be the bastard child of a hobo's cloth and a moth's dinner!"

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"My, how droll. At least that proves that I have nothing to compensate for, unlike many of my colleagues, and that I can please a real woman without even having to touch them with anything but my silver tongue."
 
"I say, good chaps, that was a rather exhilarating bount of verbal jousting. What say we continue along the same vein, but with a slight twist? Would inverting the insults be an adequate venture?"
 
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"Which vein of complimentary conundrum should I pursue, mayhaps? Insulting thyself, or merely showing your adoration to the wonderful masses?"
 
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"My good sir I would say either is appropriate. You're a free man to condemn yourself like the bastard child of fate and self pity if you wish."
 
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"I say, you are lucky to not be damned with a face that makes an arse's arse appear appealing, in fact, yours is quite lovely."