The Goldman Sachs Guide to Being a Man

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Old Man Seiji, Jan 8, 2016.

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    • Stop talking about where you went to college.
    • Always carry cash. Keep some in your front pocket.
    • Rebel from business casual. Burn your khakis and wear a suit or jeans.
    • It’s okay to trade the possibility of your 80s and 90s for more guaranteed fun in your 20s and 30s.
    • The best public restrooms are in hotels: The St. Regis in New York, Claridge’s in London, The Fullerton in Singapore, to name a few.
    • Never stay out after midnight three nights in a row … unless something really good comes up on the third night.
    • You will regret your tattoos.
    • Never date an ex of your friend.
    • Join Twitter; become your own curator of information.
    • If riding the bus doesn't incentivize you to improve your station in life, nothing will.
    • Time is too short to do your own laundry. 

    • When the bartender asks, you should already know what you want to drink.
    • If you perspire, wear a damn undershirt.
    • You don’t have to like baseball, but you should understand the concept of what a pitcher’s ERA means. Approach life similarly.
    • When people don’t invite you to a party, you really shouldn’t go.
 And sometimes even when you are invited, you shouldn’t go.

    • People are tired of you being the funny, drunk guy. 

    • When in doubt, always kiss the girl.
    • Tip more than you should.
    • You probably use your cell phone too often and at the wrong moments.

    • Buy expensive sunglasses. Superficial? Yes, but so are the women judging you. And it tells these women you appreciate nice things and are responsible enough not to lose them.
    • If you want a nice umbrella, bring a sh*tty one to church.
    • Do 50 push-ups, sit-ups, and dips before you shower each morning. 

    • Eat brunch with friends at least every other weekend. Leave Rusty and Junior at home.
    • Be a regular at more than one bar.
    • Act like you’ve been there before. It doesn’t matter if it’s in the end zone at the Super Bowl or on a private plane.
    • A glass of wine or two with lunch will not ruin your day.

    • It’s better if old men cut your hair. Ask for Sammy at the Mandarin Oriental Barbershop in Hong Kong. He can share his experiences of the Japanese occupation, or just give you a copy of Playboy.
    • Learn how to fly-fish.
    • No selfies. Aspire to experience photo-worthy moments in the company of a beautiful woman.
    • Own a handcrafted shotgun. It’s a beautiful thing.
    • There’s always another level. Just be content knowing that you are still better off than most who have ever lived.
    • You can get away with a lot more if you're the one buying the drinks.
    • Ask for a salad instead of fries.

    • Don’t split a check.
    • Pretty women who are unaccompanied want you to talk to them.
    • Cobblers will save your shoes. So will shoe trees.
    • When a bartender buys you a round, tip double. 

    • The cliché is that having money is about not wasting time. But in reality, money is about facilitating spontaneity.
    • Be spontaneous.
    • Find a Times New Roman in the streets and a Wingdings in the sheets. She exists.
    • Piercings are liabilities in fights. 

    • Do not use an electric razor. 

    • Desserts are for women. Order one and pretend you don’t mind that she’s eating yours.

    • Buy a tuxedo before you are thirty. Stay that size.

    • One girlfriend at a time is probably enough.

    • #StopItWithTheHastags
    • Your ties should be rolled and placed in a sectioned tie drawer. 

    • Throw parties. 
But have someone else clean up the next day.
    • You may only request one song from the DJ. 

    • Measure yourself only against your previous self.
    • Take more pictures. With a camera.
    • Place-dropping is worse than name-dropping.

    • When you admire the work of artists or writers, tell them. 
And spend money to acquire their work.

    • Your clothes do not match. They go together. 

    • Yes, of course you have to buy her dinner. 

    • Staying angry is a waste of energy.

    • Revenge can be a good way of getting over anger. 

    • If she expects the person you are 20% of the time, 100% of the time, then she doesn't want you.
    • Always bring a bottle of something to the party.

    • Avoid that “last” whiskey. You’ve probably had enough. 

    • Don’t use the word “closure” or ever expect it in real life. There may still be a mortally wounded Russian mobster roaming the woods of south Jersey, but we’ll never know.
    • If you are wittier than you are handsome, avoid loud clubs. 

    • Drink outdoors.
 And during the day.
 And sometimes by yourself.
    • Date women outside your social set. You’ll be surprised.

    • If it’s got velvet ropes and lines, walk away unless you know someone. 

    • You cannot have a love affair with whiskey because whiskey will never love you back.

    • Feigning unpretentiousness is worse than being pretentious. Cut it out with the vintage Polo and that ’83 Wagoneer in Nantucket.
    • The New Yorker is not high-brow. Neither is The Economist. 

    • If you believe in evolution, you should know something about how it works.
    • No-one cares if you are offended, so stop it. 

    • Never take an ex back. She tried to do better and is settling with you.
    • Eating out alone can be magnificent. Find a place where you can sit at the bar.
    • Read more. It allows you to borrow someone else’s brain, and will make you more interesting at a dinner party – provided that you don’t initiate conversation with, “So, who are you reading …”
    • Ignore the boos. They usually come from the cheap seats.
    • Hookers aren’t cool, and remember, the free ones are a lot more expensive.
    • Don’t ever say, “it is what it is.”
    • Start a wine collection for your kids when they are born. Add a few cases every year without telling them. It’ll make a phenomenal gift in twenty years.
    • Don’t gamble if losing $100 is going to piss you off.
    • Remember, “rules are for the obedience of fools and the guidance of wise men.”

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  2. But I do most of these things already and I'm still not a man. :(
    • Nice execution! Nice execution! x 1
  3. You need more Scotch in your diet!
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  4. Almost all of those are badass for girls too without or without a gender swap. O___O

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  5. Check.
    ... Sometimes?
    Haven't been to any of them, never been to New York at all.
    I don't have any, so, check?
    Vehemently disagree. List is now invalid.
    I have ambition and I ride a bike everywhere. This is not a paradox.
    ... I thought being a man meant being able to take care of yourself. Apparently not.
    I don't, usually, I've got decent stamina. So no undershirt.
    Sure, right after you 'murikans learn what offside is.
    I don't recall having that reputation.
    Apparently, this is now rape. I wish I was joking, but let's not make this political.
    I remember American business people always tipped me ridiculous amounts of money when I worked in the hotel. Turns out, you get paid pretty good in my country by comparison.
    I'll admit to this one.
    Men go to church and censor curse words. Right.
    ... Yeah, I do need to work out more.
    Dinner works too, but I like to cook. Also I don't have kids. So. Yeah.
    I'm a vagrant, man. To be a regular I'd need to stay in the same place for over an extended period of time. I don't.
    ... Sure, if just be comfortable, is what you're saying.
    Not according to my dad's genetic package... Or experience... It's not called alcoholism if you're a student.
    Okay I get this one and I guess talking over Desperate housewives and dumb gossip isn't exactly a manly thing to do. I'll concede.
    This sounds awesome. I just might.
    Selfies are my bane. I'm not so shallow to use women as status-boosters for the pictures I am in, though.
    Not very high on the list, actually. Though I do enjoy shooting.
    Hardly ever a choice in most restaurants over here. Salad is pretty default when anywhere classy, which I guess makes my country manlier than yours.
    I'll get back to you once I earn more money. Some people drink a lot.
    Hahaha. Oh man.
    At the least. Tips are quite small over here and such a gesture is pretty big by comparison.
    I like this one.
    Working on getting more of that vibe back.
    ... Someone restrain me. Before I get violent.

    Fucking wingdings.
    That's low, man.
    I trim.
    Coffee counts as dessert. Irish coffee especially.
    To be honest I'm working on getting bigger.
    I'm not sure polygamy is for me, no.
    Well you brought up twitter you fuck.
    ... Surprisingly, check.
    Only if these people are paid for it and then most of the time I'd still lend a hand.
    Just for occasions.
    Oh please, I want to get places, so I need goals.
    Probably should. Need to travel again, man.
    I don't get this one.
    I take pride in my ability to cook.
    I have learned not to engage in revenge because I can be disproportionally cruel. Should I be legitimately angered, I will refrain from this. Though admittedly, I do enjoy letting out a few frustrations from time to time.
    And you probably shouldn't want her.
    Sixpacks still work.
    Check. Limits I'm pretty good with.
    I've done so a few times. It's actually not bad.
    Probably should.
    I don't want to get fired. Instead, I handle the boss.
    Haha, I'm sure it will.

    I'm at least half a man according to this guy?
    #5 Kestrel, Jan 8, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2016

  6. That's very likely horrible advice. ​
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  7. I don't require some pretentious asshole to validate my "manliness" when he probably has never left the city or knows how to start a goddamn fire.
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    • Nice execution! Nice execution! x 1
  8. Oh hai there! Been a while.
  9. That's right; show them girls you know how to light...that fire. >>

  10. "Hey baby, I can show you how to heat up those sheets..."


    "Sorry about burning down your apartment. Got time for a quicky before fire crews arrive?"
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  11. Behold; Canuckian love making.
  12. That's a cheap way to brag about leaving someone out of breath.
  13. It's what happens when we rub our hockey sticks together.

    Hey, other than the arson charges, it was awesome.
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  14. "Yeah, girl, take that sticky-icky.......maple syrup."
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  15. Yeah, No. If I'm in doubt I have failed.
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  16. "Stick on the ice, baby."
  17. I'm ALMOST afraid to tell you.......but girls outside of Canuckia don't have sticks. <3

    Or flannel.

    ...I'll give you a minute.
  18. Yeah man. Some have clubs
  19. I liked this list. I read it in that Ron Swanson voice, so that helped.
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    *mops up all the ew*
    • Bucket of Rainbows Bucket of Rainbows x 1
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