The Funny News Daily

Todays Installment of News!

Signs of a special girlfriend:

1) Willing to have sex with you at an intersection
2) Refuses to clothe herself when cops ask her to
3) Pees on the sidewalk of the woman who called the cops on you

Another bid for World Dumbest Bank Robbers

To burn or not to burn, That is the question. This year he burned...

Remember that nudey pic you sent to that one guy? Yea well, hopefully your memories arent like this girl's.

Did you know you can become a government official of a country you havent stepped foot in in 3 decades?

Who needs a stress ball at school when you have these cuddly ass Puppies instead.

You know, it wasnt until I saw this article that I realised there was a REASON she was standing on the sidewalk in a bikini...

This cat is sooooo happy to be back home, I mean look at his face? Is that not a happy face?

If they say you are dead.. even if your not, don't try and sue them...

Yea...I dont thise this ice cream man is screaming for ice cream...
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka .

* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala ..

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:

1) Spending it at car boot sales, or

2) Going to night clubs, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or whisky or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )


Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.