S
Sine.Nomine
Guest
Original poster
Sakura,
I would like to address how pleased I am that you are allowing me to write to you; everything under the heavens knows that I shouldn't have dared that much hope. I write this letter now so that I may properly begin my healing process. I must warn you that the following words my be hard to read. I beg you to press through it and hear my plea to you.
My memories of that day have not yet returned in their entirety. Everything seemed to happen so fast that the images left in my mind are blurred, and I question the reality that I have conjured about the events that took place. I remember a blackness crouching over each of us- a darkness that seemed to be gnawing at the back of our subconscious minds. It hung over our home like a cancerous smog, obstructing our views of the world like stained glass over looking a vespertine courtyard. Nothing seemed as it should have been, and we were not ourselves. I am sure that you were cranky and quick to lecture even the most minor trespasses. Mordikai seemed easily startled and distracted. I may have even fallen below my own dark waters, and committed a treason to my own imagined powers and used them for immoral and selfish reasons. After not feeling up to my usual self, and listening to the dark thoughts that I believed to be from my dearest two in the world for a length of time, I acted impulsively and selfishly. I mention this because it was through my own misguided efforts That Day occurred at all.
Revisiting those times from over half a year ago, the days and weeks before That Day bleed into each other. I can only recall that as the days before the event grew fewer in number, my brother had been spending a vast amount of time outside of our home. This fact alone served as the catalyst in my mounting "delusions", (as the doctors here are fond of calling them.) With my imagination running rampant, I perceived my psychic abilities to be at a peak. Amongst the messy bog of fragmented recollections I hold in my mind, I can imagine perfectly myself frequently in those passing days sitting serenely, eyes closed and tea steaming, listening to the thoughts of any who had the misfortune of coming within my "hearing" range. Of course, we know that being able to read another's thoughts is humanly impossible, and all together a ludicrous concept. But alas, I am told that it is to my own shameful recovery's benefit that I write this letter as I experienced the events, not as I see them now.
I regretfully cannot resurface any memory of the happening which made me decide trickery was the best solution for my problem. (I seem to have blocked that from myself. With time and healing, the doctors will help me to pull those memories to the surface. As I recover from my mental conditions, I will be able to paint a more accurate picture of the time line and should be able to have a better understanding of who I am.) The simple story is as such- I awoke abruptly in a thick sweat from a nightmare so hellish that I was screaming long into the night. I had dreamed of the universe stealing my sweet Mord--- taking my dearest brother from this world. I dreamed the two of you went for a drive- you were very angry with him. The two of you were arguing over some accusation and you were not watching the road as closely as you should have been. You looked in the rear view mirror for a split second, there was an explosion, and it was over. As the bright lights from the explosion fade and a deep voice announced the death of Mordikai, I woke myself from the ghastly nightmare.
It was then that I decided I would stop this event from occurring. I could not allow Mordikai to die. I tried for days to smooth any quarrels. I'd listen to your angry mental banter then take what I could without a dishonoring amount of disclosure and try to make each of you see the other's point. But Mordi's long hours and the blackness were taking their tolls on you two- on all of us. Fighting ensued and the frequency of my nightmare increased. The wreck was getting closer. I chose to break up your relationship, even though I knew you loved each other dearly. All my memories of this mission seem to be out of reach at this time as well. But I know that to me, this seemed the only possible way to prevent the tragedy that I fantasized. Though I thought I was nobly trying to save a life, the doctors here have helped me to see that my depraved desires were at the root of this dream and thus the root of the accident. I accept the blame for everything- your...pain, my brother's eye, and that little girl. Through my actions, the wreck claimed this prize.
When I planted the long velvety lock of black hair in the brush, I fueled your terrified speculation. With my mind, I tried to push your thoughts towards Vesper. I gave you a reason to suspect Mordikai of an infidelity you couldn't forgive twice. I'd hoped you two would sever ties and one of you would with a heavy and broken heart move away from the constant reminder of your near marriage. Then there would be no fateful car ride. You two are strong willed and would not be swayed from your "destinies" so easily. Your wedding day drew nearer and there was no break up. I eventually came to the conclusion that your relationship was not to be tarnished by something so trivial. I also decided that my calculation of when the wreck was to occur could have been off, and could happen any time in the foreseeable future. I knew then that you could not end up together, lest he die a twisted and painful death. I invited Vesper to the wedding. To my pleasant surprise, she came. You hardly seemed to notice. Your ceremony was beautiful- everything you have ever dreamed of in a wedding, I am sure. Mordi would not have had it any other way. I cried along with the other guests, though I struggled not to make it show. I willed my tears away as quickly as they fell. To one watching my face, though all eyes were on the blushing bride, he might have seen the strange way my tears seemed to flow horizontally and float ever so lightly into my hair. I couldn't let my nefarious weeping taint the sanctity of your vows. I didn't cry for your happiness or the achievement of your dreams.... I cried because in that moment as your vows came to a close and you acknowledged your unity with a kiss, I knew more than ever before that the man I loved more than any other would never love me in return. I felt the emptiness of an eternity in my arms, the coldness of an empty heart overcame me, and I wept because it was not me at that alter.
I've deterred from my point. It was time to go to the reception, but you wanted a chance to talk to Mordi. You were thinking you wanted to drive so that you could take the longer route and have more time. You started the conversation early, right after Vesper so elegantly bid you both her best wished. The whispered argument was already heated when I revealed that my ride had forgotten me. There was no choice but to allow me to ride with you. During the ride, I was distracted by my thoughts of losing the heart that I never really had. I closed my eyes to block out the images that were burned to my retinas. You must have thought I was asleep, because soon the argument commenced once more. It is here again that my memory becomes hazy. The details about what actually happened are lost to me, but I know that there was a crash. Two cars collided head on. It was my fault. Something I did caused the whole thing- the entire hellish night terror. But again, I was at the peak of my mental powers. With all the might my mind could muster, I fought to save us. I did, but at a price. The loss of Mordikai's right eye pains me severely. This is my own evil. But guilt we share, the death of that child coupled with the unfounded guilt you claimed for yourself over her death, leaves me with an abyss in my soul. I have wronged you. Kura, I am so sorry for what I have done to you. One day, I hope to find your forgiveness.
Once more, the details are hazy. My explanation of that fateful moment varies greatly from your's and Mordikai's accounts of what happened. I remember a great psychic burst in order to slow the speeding cars. In the burst, I gave everything that I had, and it for one moment the powerful blast connected me with the minds of everyone involved. You, Mordi, the little girl and her mother. We were all thinking on the same wavelength, and at that moment, my thoughts could be heard as loudly and clearly as if I had spoken them. My biggest fear was broadcast-ed across a web of minds- Save My Love. Save Mordikai. In that moment, three things simultaneously occurred to me. I was aware that you could all hear my thoughts, I was aware that you all knew my shameful secret, and I was aware that I did not want to live through this anymore. Every memory I had with Mordikai flashed before my eyes (and also yours), and in the fraction of a second before we died, I remembered why I'd done all this in the first place. I loved Mordi. He must live.
That is where I draw my conclusion. Once again I want to offer my apologies, though I fear you will believe them to be naught but empty words. Sakura, the things I did were atrocious, but I never did them out of spite or maliciousness. I acted for what I believed to be the greater good. My choices were wrong, and my friends are scarred for life. While Mordi's is more obvious beneath his eye patch, yours I sense are much much deeper. You are not the one I expected to hear from first, and definitely not so soon. You my dearest Kura, are a delicate and ever surprising flower. You show a great strength in writing to me. Even though I can see your strength and know that you are herculean in your stoicism, I realized that you did not mention my sickness- my infatuation with my brother. I understand a reluctance on your end to discuss everything with me. Please do not feel pressured to do so. I share because I must learn to accept my feelings, but you have no such obligation. I simply wish to be reminded of the light in your soul. My friend who I have betrayed, forgive me for all my lies and for ruining your wedding day. Forgive me for how I have hurt you. Forgive me. I love you, and I miss you. Write again soon.
With Love,
Shae
I would like to address how pleased I am that you are allowing me to write to you; everything under the heavens knows that I shouldn't have dared that much hope. I write this letter now so that I may properly begin my healing process. I must warn you that the following words my be hard to read. I beg you to press through it and hear my plea to you.
My memories of that day have not yet returned in their entirety. Everything seemed to happen so fast that the images left in my mind are blurred, and I question the reality that I have conjured about the events that took place. I remember a blackness crouching over each of us- a darkness that seemed to be gnawing at the back of our subconscious minds. It hung over our home like a cancerous smog, obstructing our views of the world like stained glass over looking a vespertine courtyard. Nothing seemed as it should have been, and we were not ourselves. I am sure that you were cranky and quick to lecture even the most minor trespasses. Mordikai seemed easily startled and distracted. I may have even fallen below my own dark waters, and committed a treason to my own imagined powers and used them for immoral and selfish reasons. After not feeling up to my usual self, and listening to the dark thoughts that I believed to be from my dearest two in the world for a length of time, I acted impulsively and selfishly. I mention this because it was through my own misguided efforts That Day occurred at all.
Revisiting those times from over half a year ago, the days and weeks before That Day bleed into each other. I can only recall that as the days before the event grew fewer in number, my brother had been spending a vast amount of time outside of our home. This fact alone served as the catalyst in my mounting "delusions", (as the doctors here are fond of calling them.) With my imagination running rampant, I perceived my psychic abilities to be at a peak. Amongst the messy bog of fragmented recollections I hold in my mind, I can imagine perfectly myself frequently in those passing days sitting serenely, eyes closed and tea steaming, listening to the thoughts of any who had the misfortune of coming within my "hearing" range. Of course, we know that being able to read another's thoughts is humanly impossible, and all together a ludicrous concept. But alas, I am told that it is to my own shameful recovery's benefit that I write this letter as I experienced the events, not as I see them now.
I regretfully cannot resurface any memory of the happening which made me decide trickery was the best solution for my problem. (I seem to have blocked that from myself. With time and healing, the doctors will help me to pull those memories to the surface. As I recover from my mental conditions, I will be able to paint a more accurate picture of the time line and should be able to have a better understanding of who I am.) The simple story is as such- I awoke abruptly in a thick sweat from a nightmare so hellish that I was screaming long into the night. I had dreamed of the universe stealing my sweet Mord--- taking my dearest brother from this world. I dreamed the two of you went for a drive- you were very angry with him. The two of you were arguing over some accusation and you were not watching the road as closely as you should have been. You looked in the rear view mirror for a split second, there was an explosion, and it was over. As the bright lights from the explosion fade and a deep voice announced the death of Mordikai, I woke myself from the ghastly nightmare.
It was then that I decided I would stop this event from occurring. I could not allow Mordikai to die. I tried for days to smooth any quarrels. I'd listen to your angry mental banter then take what I could without a dishonoring amount of disclosure and try to make each of you see the other's point. But Mordi's long hours and the blackness were taking their tolls on you two- on all of us. Fighting ensued and the frequency of my nightmare increased. The wreck was getting closer. I chose to break up your relationship, even though I knew you loved each other dearly. All my memories of this mission seem to be out of reach at this time as well. But I know that to me, this seemed the only possible way to prevent the tragedy that I fantasized. Though I thought I was nobly trying to save a life, the doctors here have helped me to see that my depraved desires were at the root of this dream and thus the root of the accident. I accept the blame for everything- your...pain, my brother's eye, and that little girl. Through my actions, the wreck claimed this prize.
When I planted the long velvety lock of black hair in the brush, I fueled your terrified speculation. With my mind, I tried to push your thoughts towards Vesper. I gave you a reason to suspect Mordikai of an infidelity you couldn't forgive twice. I'd hoped you two would sever ties and one of you would with a heavy and broken heart move away from the constant reminder of your near marriage. Then there would be no fateful car ride. You two are strong willed and would not be swayed from your "destinies" so easily. Your wedding day drew nearer and there was no break up. I eventually came to the conclusion that your relationship was not to be tarnished by something so trivial. I also decided that my calculation of when the wreck was to occur could have been off, and could happen any time in the foreseeable future. I knew then that you could not end up together, lest he die a twisted and painful death. I invited Vesper to the wedding. To my pleasant surprise, she came. You hardly seemed to notice. Your ceremony was beautiful- everything you have ever dreamed of in a wedding, I am sure. Mordi would not have had it any other way. I cried along with the other guests, though I struggled not to make it show. I willed my tears away as quickly as they fell. To one watching my face, though all eyes were on the blushing bride, he might have seen the strange way my tears seemed to flow horizontally and float ever so lightly into my hair. I couldn't let my nefarious weeping taint the sanctity of your vows. I didn't cry for your happiness or the achievement of your dreams.... I cried because in that moment as your vows came to a close and you acknowledged your unity with a kiss, I knew more than ever before that the man I loved more than any other would never love me in return. I felt the emptiness of an eternity in my arms, the coldness of an empty heart overcame me, and I wept because it was not me at that alter.
I've deterred from my point. It was time to go to the reception, but you wanted a chance to talk to Mordi. You were thinking you wanted to drive so that you could take the longer route and have more time. You started the conversation early, right after Vesper so elegantly bid you both her best wished. The whispered argument was already heated when I revealed that my ride had forgotten me. There was no choice but to allow me to ride with you. During the ride, I was distracted by my thoughts of losing the heart that I never really had. I closed my eyes to block out the images that were burned to my retinas. You must have thought I was asleep, because soon the argument commenced once more. It is here again that my memory becomes hazy. The details about what actually happened are lost to me, but I know that there was a crash. Two cars collided head on. It was my fault. Something I did caused the whole thing- the entire hellish night terror. But again, I was at the peak of my mental powers. With all the might my mind could muster, I fought to save us. I did, but at a price. The loss of Mordikai's right eye pains me severely. This is my own evil. But guilt we share, the death of that child coupled with the unfounded guilt you claimed for yourself over her death, leaves me with an abyss in my soul. I have wronged you. Kura, I am so sorry for what I have done to you. One day, I hope to find your forgiveness.
Once more, the details are hazy. My explanation of that fateful moment varies greatly from your's and Mordikai's accounts of what happened. I remember a great psychic burst in order to slow the speeding cars. In the burst, I gave everything that I had, and it for one moment the powerful blast connected me with the minds of everyone involved. You, Mordi, the little girl and her mother. We were all thinking on the same wavelength, and at that moment, my thoughts could be heard as loudly and clearly as if I had spoken them. My biggest fear was broadcast-ed across a web of minds- Save My Love. Save Mordikai. In that moment, three things simultaneously occurred to me. I was aware that you could all hear my thoughts, I was aware that you all knew my shameful secret, and I was aware that I did not want to live through this anymore. Every memory I had with Mordikai flashed before my eyes (and also yours), and in the fraction of a second before we died, I remembered why I'd done all this in the first place. I loved Mordi. He must live.
That is where I draw my conclusion. Once again I want to offer my apologies, though I fear you will believe them to be naught but empty words. Sakura, the things I did were atrocious, but I never did them out of spite or maliciousness. I acted for what I believed to be the greater good. My choices were wrong, and my friends are scarred for life. While Mordi's is more obvious beneath his eye patch, yours I sense are much much deeper. You are not the one I expected to hear from first, and definitely not so soon. You my dearest Kura, are a delicate and ever surprising flower. You show a great strength in writing to me. Even though I can see your strength and know that you are herculean in your stoicism, I realized that you did not mention my sickness- my infatuation with my brother. I understand a reluctance on your end to discuss everything with me. Please do not feel pressured to do so. I share because I must learn to accept my feelings, but you have no such obligation. I simply wish to be reminded of the light in your soul. My friend who I have betrayed, forgive me for all my lies and for ruining your wedding day. Forgive me for how I have hurt you. Forgive me. I love you, and I miss you. Write again soon.
With Love,
Shae