CRITIQUE REQUEST The Boy And The Boat (Moral Story)

Discussion in 'SHOWCASING' started by The Crimson Crow, Oct 4, 2016.


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  1. Howdy! This is just a simple, sad moral story. Nothing wrong with sad though! Please criticize as much as you would like? Review it! Give it a rating! What would you change about it? How could it be more appealing? Did you solve all the metaphorical meanings? Feedback is appreciated!
    The Boy And The Boat A boy lived in the mainlands. He was happy. Unknowing of the world and the evilness of human nature. He played and laughed and liked to make others smile. The mainlands the boy was on however was becoming barren. So he had to find new lush lands of joy.
    So the boy got in his raft and sailed across the endless blue waters.

    As he sailed a massive storm erupted, lightening striking the raft in half. The boy was drowning but saw a small island nearby. He swam and came ashore. He was alone. He wanted to be found. But all the other ships would sail by. The ships saw that the island the boy was on was surrounded by three massive storms. They were deadly and treacherous.

    Some ships tried to save him but gave up before even getting passed the first storm. It was too much of a challenge for them. Other ships didn't even see the boy on the island. The boy eventually gave up hope. He found an unusual comfort in his island. He didn't seem to mind too much. In fact he became quite comfortable.
    But as years and years passed one day a boat came by. The boat saw the boy and wanted to help him. But the boat also saw the three massive storms. The boat did not fear however. The boat pressed through the first storm and onto the second. And approaching the third and final storm it was weary. But nevertheless the boat was steadfast and pushed to the shores of the island.

    The boat beckoned the boy to jump in. The boy was confused. Why would this boat be so good to him? The boy was hesitant but the boat urged him. The boy refused warning the ship that he is too much of a burden and doesn't want to be saved. But the boat wouldn't leave. The boat explained how great the mainlands were. So the boy eventually climbed aboard and the boat set sails back to the mainland.
    Now this boat needed to go to a different part of the mainland but it knew the boy needed her more now than ever. So the boat and the boy bonded as they sailed across the waters. They fought through a couple storms but they seemed unstoppable together. But the journey was long.. And difficult. The boat didn't want to pursuit the boy anymore. It decided to be best to return to her course and leave the boy.

    So the boat flushed the boy off of her deck and began sailing away. The boy was confused and wallowed in the depth waters. Looking around the boy saw no land. Not even the island. The boy was now alone in the deep blue waters where it was only a matter of time before the sharks came to get him. And the boy only had himself to blame for trusting that boat.
  2. Heyo there~
    It's a nice short story you got here and I thought it'd be good to pay it a review.

    So as far as storytelling and narrative goes, I think this has an A+. You managed to keep my attention through the entire story. The fact that it's short helps but it was your simple narrative that kept me reading. Direct to the point. Believe it or not, the lack of dialogue also helps, making the reader create a scene much faster.

    To make it more appealing I'd work with punctuation, using so much short sentences doesn't allow the reader to pick up the rhythm and immerse more in the story. This is because the periods break the flow in a sudden stop. If I were you I'd try to make my sentences longer using semicolons and commas (or rewriting them). A short sentence after a long sentence usually adds force; I saw you wasted this opportunity in:
    I'd have written it this way:

    "They fought numerous storms together. Their bond grew, to the point they became unstoppable and together could they move the biggest mountains. Until they couldn't."

    Now if I get it right (and most likely don't), the story is a metaphor for trust. How some people do whatever they can to obtain our trust, usually out of sheer petty, until they realise the responsibility trust comes with. In that moment, they simply leave, for a real relationship was not what they looked for.

  3. Hey thanks for the review! It definitely opened my view. I am not great writer but I do agree about revising the sentences to make them more punctual. As much as I enjoy writing I flunked all of my classes without care. That including English, so the learning of commas and all of that is difficult for me.

    As for the moral you gave a very interesting synopsis. I could see how trust would be the focused image. Very cool.
  4. My pleasure :D
    I'm no master writer either, but I'm very passionate about it. I usually write in other online platforms like Young Writers Society and recently got into Writer's Digest. Here in my country we don't get much english classes so imagine how hard it was for me to get used to using (ugh redundancy) commas and semicolons.

    What is the moral you had in mind when you wrote this story? I'm curious.
  5. The metaphors are the following:

    boy - Victim
    Ships - Society
    Mainlands - Happiness/Joy/Peace
    The Boat - Hope
    3 Storms - Major conflicts of life
    The Waters - Journey
    Sharks - All the bad stuff aka drugs/alcohol/loneliness/agony/misery
    Island - Comfort Zone

    Moral: Hope is always the last resort of faith. However it can also be the most dangerous tool. Even more than fear.