Tenuous Conviction

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Kitti you make me want to write poetry, and I'm a horrible poet. T_T

Good stuff though, very good stuff.
 

She's twilight, with the shadows dancing through her hair and the stars moving under her skin;
Intangible, impassable she's youth incarnate with the wisdom of a hundred years at her fingertips;
In the dull lamplight that illuminates her solitary room, she realizes that everything so far has been a lie;
Her eyes are red from crying, their tears long since splashed onto her breast and dried with only a touch of salt;
Reminders of that sadness, she does not need, because the recollection is still searing into her chest, burning bright;
Every moment is aching agony and still she does not move, her fingers clutching desperate the cloth of her dress;
Life, in a moment, in a word, has changed for her and she does not yet know how to transition from the glowing;
Half-darkness into one of the extremes, though she must choose, and she must do so soon or someone will choose for her;
There is nothing inherently good about light and nothing evil in the darkness, merely they are decisions that must be made;
The wind blows and the candle, its illumination having lit her face from somewhere unseen, extinguishes with it;
Notions of perfection, of fairytale anything, and she is still no more sure than she was before, and her heart echoes indecision;

Do you love me?

Every time I speak to you
It is the feeling of returning
Coming back to a familiar place
And when you smile, I know I am alive

New mornings find the world broken
With little love left to give its children
Life moves hard and fast, urging them on
One of them, I move in time with the surge

Each shimmer of light is nothing more
Than broken glass beneath our feet
Reminding us of a better time, when it was whole
Yet I refuse to look away from the glint

Nothing in this world is fair and in it
Truth is merely a word thrown about
Something appealing to who we wish we were
Still, I believe in all of these truths, for each is a wish

Though I may break myself upon the rocks
Trying to find my wings, I may plummet
Never will I truly fall, I will always stand again
I will not stay down when I must return to you
 
Never before could I have said that I know what it is to be afraid
There is nothing in this world that can harm me, young and invincible as I am
Each day is limitless and the measure of what I can achieve is not in seconds
Rather, laid before me are the years with the knowledge that I will shape them
These are wondrous gifts, however, and those who would fear them do no justice
My life not yet diamond, but carbon preparing itself for the days to come

That was when I met you

All the things that I might have done before suddenly took meaning
Everything became so much more real, something tangible to be manipulated
In the same, you taught me how to laugh, as I have never learned before
What I learned from you was that life is too tragic to dwell,
If there was a tear for every tragedy, the world might never smile again
To my ability, you granted purpose and some connection to the world

You taught me to fear

Endearing yourself to me, you have granted me more than I could have asked
While without knowing differently, I became accustomed to this influence
This is the birth of fear, the realization that I have become vulnerable
A weakness in admitting that I find myself holding that which I do not own
That is to say, the fear that I have learned is the fear of being harmed
Shaken to the core by losing that which I hold most dear

The best thing to happen to me

In the bright silence of the morning, the day finds itself alone
There was no moment of breaking, no decision to spell the end
Existence is not made of these cleans ends, just words unsaid
Resolve that this time will be the last time, in moments where love dies
Never will there be an ending quieter than the death of passion
She holds her hand up to the ceiling, staring at the white between the gaps
Wonders what her life would be like if she hadn't met the man
Blames him for wasted time and the years that she lost, hoping
Or waiting for a fight that never came and so she passed the years
Life happened in the time that she was waiting for something better
Like looking through the window of a car, she let the scenery blur
Does she love him, she wonders now, five years along the line
Suspecting that she doesn't, it was just easier to stay than change
Never did she want to break anyone's heart or make any ripples
If she left, would he miss her, or does he feel the same as she?
Two lives, tied together by a chance meeting, weighted with obligation

Perhaps this too is a manifestation of love, who could argue?
 
During those daylight hours, when the sun illuminates the corners
There is no need to feel less than powerful and I am strong
Confident and at ease in my own skin, bending to no one
Indomitable

But sometimes, in the dark of the night when the light has waned
Old fears creep insidious from the places I cannot scour them, my thoughts
Rather, my memories, relics of a life that I escape and yet I cannot forget
Ineffable

Gripping my heart and squeezing, making its pulse race with things remembered
Turning every shadow into those things that I despise and amplifying every noise
Taunting my terror with the icy sheets and the loneliness that surrounds the bed
Inescapable
 
My love for you does not falter
Simply because you are not near
Or because I am not talking with you
Rather, it feeds off fond thoughts
Swells within my chest and forms
A lump in my throat, a knot in my chest
Where securely, you are tucked
With me wherever I go, whenever
Should I need the solace of love
Or the comfort of care, your words are there
Encompassing without sacrificing self
 
Serioustime, I wrote this a couple months ago and never happened to post it.

Sunlight streamed through the windows, illuminating everything in its path and bathing the room in a golden glow. This warm golden light, from the same sun as mine, ensconced you in a balmy heat that was so different from the mild warmth that I enjoyed. In this light, up close, I can see your features clearly, from the curve of your throat to the gentle roundness of your oval face. So clearly visible, your smile is enough to make my heart beat faster, illogically but inevitably.

Your bare shoulders stand out against the white walls, the contrast beautiful and striking; the pale brown reminds me of caramel and your skin looks easily as smooth. I find myself tracing with my eyes from your jaw to your shoulders. You notice my attention, smile, excuse yourself to go make coffee in the next room.

As you move, first from the cupboard to retrieve the small metal container and then to another for the coffee, I can't help but admire. The radio is on, though I can't hear it from where I sit, and while you go about the motions of making coffee, you pick up the tune of a song that's playing. Your singing is inattentive, barely clear enough Spanish for me to understand the words.

In that moment, I realized that my heart almost ached from how much I loved you. I wanted to reach out and touch you then, but in the same, I did not want to spoil this. Watching this, I felt as if I had stolen something, a golden moment, tucked within my chest.

What would it cost me to reveal this to you, to lay bare the admission that I think that I might want to spend my life with you? I don't know. How to begin telling you how much you mean to me? I am not sure. These feelings are new to me, and I am afraid now. I do not know what I would do if you were to reject the heart that I offer to you, wholly. Far beyond falling in love with you, I am fallen. I fear my own inadequacy, and there are days when I can find nothing good to recommend myself with. I cannot offer you the world, because I have made you the stars in its sky and the beauty that I see. But I love you, more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.
 
There are those times when I feel like I am alone
My fears are my own and I keep them tucked close
Terrified of revealing the part of me that is so weak
Coping poorly with the dreams that still haunt my sleep
Yet there is that part of me that wants to show you
Uneasy as I am, I want you to know me without exception
Opening slowly to tell you my fears and the scars of the past
Showing you the places where my wings are broken
Baring my soul, stripped of the veneer I covered it with
Waiting for the worst as I begin to reveal the me that was damaged

You tell me that I can confide anything in you,
Accept me without so much as hesitation.
 
We are partners, a pair that is not the same but cannot be distinguished from one another
Two entities that make up halves that interlock too seamlessly to find the reason why
Without words to express, I know only that I have never been more happy in my time
Still I seek to know you more the next day than the day before, to be the confidante whenever you have need
But also, I wish to be close to you, more elemental than even lust I wish to twine myself with you
To neither bury nor suppress but enrich myself with your being and feel my heart beating in time with yours
 
I looked up at the city as I walked down the street, my eyes set on the buildings towering over the trees and the bright lights coming from the city. The autumn is closing in, wrapping the city in a chill shroud while the leaves explode in a display of color that turns the ordinarily verdant scene into a festive showcase of oranges, yellows, and reds. I stuffed my hands into my jacket pockets and walked the cars rushing past me, destined for places only they know, and I wished that I could share this scene with you.

I want to take you by the hand and show you my world, I want you to see the things that make me feel infinitesimally small and the things that make me feel like I matter, as well as those beautiful moments that take away my breath. Or, if I could, stand on your balcony instead and absorb the beauty of a continent I've never known. More than anything, I want to see the world with you, to see things familiar and new with you at my side, to experience it with you at my side.

With the wind whipping my hair to the sides, I tilted my chin up to see the moon, hanging low with a backdrop of starless black, their twinkling obscured by clouds and outshone by the city's own false light; I remember that you and I are not so far away, that we are still smiling at the same night sky. These are the times when my chest aches, when I realize how intoxicated I am with your love, how hopelessly addicted I am to you.

There are times when I am afraid, when my self-confidence wavers and I wonder if you will find this life too hard, the reward for the empty bed and aching loneliness too small to bear anymore. These thoughts are fleeting. I do not entertain these thoughts because I cannot, because when I look to my future, you are beside me. I don't know what else it will hold, only an image of my head resting on your chest in the early morning light.

When I think of you, my chest feels as though it will burst and I feel a sense of emptiness in the same, trying to remember exactly the way you look when you smile. This is a rambling tangent, an ode to you who will never read it, a soft kiss for you who holds my heart.
 
There is a fleeting feeling, one I know that I've once known
Something that is lost to me, has been lost so long it's only a vague memory
There are times when I can reclaim it, parody the original with a substitute
Yet there is no comparison, for each substitute must be abandoned
It is a realization of dream that does not belong to me, but to someone else
Not belonging to me, I must let it slip through my fingers once more
But I will create my own, just as they have, the memories that haunt me
A safe place, somewhere to rest my wings, a home that I can call my own
Warm and welcoming, somewhere that I don't have to hide my existence
One sanctuary, for myself and maybe one day, a family, complete with children
Small ones who will never have to fear the sound of footsteps on the stairs
 
Feet pounding without rhythm on the pavement
There's no reason to keep walking, but none to stop
Aimless walking without destination or purpose
So it would seem to those shadows that pass by
Strangers on the street that might as well not exist
A perfect world unto themselves with no time for anyone
This dark alleyway where no one knows your name
You could be someone else for just a little while
In this company, you could so easily play pretend
No point, as there is no one listening to your words
It's not as if you can't match a name to every face
Just that it doesn't matter, not to you or anyone here
They would never look you in the eye elsewhere
Darkness and the haze of smoke is the shroud
Where you take anonymity, claim it for yourself
Ignore the impersonal hands that pass over your neck
Long enough to close your eyes and inhale
Until you're on your feet and walking nameless again
 
In the waning hours of the morning sun
I wonder to myself where I would be without you.

There is no doubt that I would be alive
Still I would draw breath, my heart would beat.

Without you, I could not say that I would die
But there is more to life than living.

Absent of you, what spark would light the dark;
Would not the beating of my heart be hollow?

You give meaning to the empty spaces
And a purpose to the fading days.

Doubtless I would not be dead if there were no you
Yet I cannot say either that I would be alive.

Every breath is a memory of a face etched deeply across my mind
Exhaled from my breast, so close to my heart and yet so far
Holding on to the ending of each sigh, depending on the solace
Knowing that the odds of you and I are against the world are no better
Than the chances of any love that's ever existed before and broken to pieces
Still fearless face the bright new day with me with no regrets
Remember that the world doesn't know a single thing for certain
Because I believe in the possibility of you and I together
And when I imagine my tomorrow, I can see your face
Nothing so clear as the desire to hold you to me and never let you go.
 
You have captured me within your thrall
Until my heart no longer seems to beat without you
Every breath exhaled carries a whisper of your name
The one capable of engraving loneliness onto myself

Fine words thin as silk enraptured before I could resist
Subtle threads which rendered themselves puppet strings
Bound until the realization came that the strands formed no prison
That this love for you had created my own fragile spun wings
 
Moral of the story: take away my things at two am and make me sleep.
And in the end we knew that it was true
That we were not the ones who would inherit
Summer's warmth or stand bathed in the sun
The ones who cannot understand the light
When all that you have known is the absence
To whom the embrace of the chill is more natural
Than the kiss of any lover across bare skin
We are the ones who were born in the shadows
And it is within them that we will stay trapped
Two in the morning is a melancholy time that whispers regrets
And this is the kind of night that makes you wish you were far away
Standing in the dark with the rain pouring down onto unfamiliar streets
Exposed and cold, alone in the foreign silence that blankets the stone,
With the world ahead of you and nothing behind to turn back and find
An outline in the dark, all but invisible to those who hurry past
Wishing that you could be someone else just for the night.
C.
You were the first one
Back when we were still headstrong
And I don't blame you
P.
How brightly you shone
So sharp and clear in my mind
Before vanishing
C.
It was you, again
We knew we weren't meant to be
Even still, we tried
J.
Do not remind me
I don't want to remember
Every special hell
B.B.
Sometimes, people grow
And we were fools to forget
That years don't forgive
H.
I'm sorry for us
We were incompatible
Despite my huge crush
-
It was so reckless
When I did not know your name
I was happy then
J.S.
Dancing in the dark
Can never be a regret
And neither were you
S.
We parted like friends
Even though we were strangers
At least I was whole
A.
Only dreamers then
Running through the nighttime streets
Until we fell down
T.
There is no such thing
As a wasted kiss with you
Each was sweet ruin
B.R.
Everything was caught
In a haze of youth and smoke
From cheap cigarettes
-
You were a mistake
And not even a good one
Just blame alcohol
 
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Like lullabies that someone used to sing before the dawn
Once upon a time, I thought that time simply moved along
Every heart would find its match and every wound could be mend
Believing that the only thing we took along the way was experience
But looking back now, I wonder on the chances that were lost
And think to assuage this wounded heart by taking it away
Because I realize with clarity that the part of me that truly loved
Has kept its secrets all this time and never stopped secreting those surges
Sharp, metallic, like blood and lightning mixed into one aching sadness
My love for you flickered and faltered long ago but the vestiges of sentiment remain
And I wish that you had stayed long enough for me to learn to hate you.
 
Take a deep breath in and remember
You have always been, you will always be
Until the end of all time, you will exist
In the memories etched into the earth
The molecules of carbon that sang in your blood
Were once the petals of a single blossom
And before that, you were the radiance in a star
Be at peace, for you are older than this earth
Do not be afraid to die, nothing is forever
 
Love take me high and above this plane
Else let me crash among the rocks in fall
Like the leaves that have come before
Littering the shores with their husks
Bring me sweet to your lips and whisper
Words like none I've ever heard before
Or let me fall deaf to those tender nothings
Raise my hopes until I feel that I could fly
And let me touch my fingers against the stars
Unless this castle that you built to lift me
Was only one crafted of sand and wishes

In which case, I must ask that you
Let the steady waves pull me far away.
 
I will gather all my thoughts of you into my open hands

Close my fingers around each one of them in turn

Delicate things like freshly fallen snow, so cold against my palm

The harder I hold on to each of those fragile memories

Makes them melt a little faster until there's nothing left

So holding tightly onto you will lead to such emptiness

And that was when I knew that I must let you go.
 
You are the feeling of cold sheets against my skin

After a long day of standing thankless on my tired feet

And also the feeling of the warmth against my icy body

When I curl myself beneath your sleeping form in the dead of night

It is the most curious sensation of being exquisitely comfortable

Of having found the place from which I never wish to move

So please understand what I mean when I say that

To me, this is what it means to be safe, for you are home
 
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