F
Freyja
Guest
Original poster
The title sounds like something straight of a shitty book, but I had no idea what else to call this.
I'm going to give you allot of background information on me to help you explain, because I want actual usable advice and not the typical "just keep your head up and someone you will find the right person ;)", because I understand it's well meant, but doesn't help me one bit. Also, might contain cursing and sexual references, just so you're warned!
I lost my virginity at the age of 16, within the first week of my first relationship to an asshole. There were no dates or romance. He bought me wine and took me up to his room for me to pleasure him. Even if I was uncertain he would press on. This was my first experience and set the example of what a relationship withheld; lust. I don't know how else to describe it? I cooked fro him once and I would sometimes drink with him and his friends.
As whiny and cliché it is to say it made me feel like sex was the only way to show love. You love someone? Suck their dick. If you truly love someone you know you won't get anything back, because love is selfless ,right?
I was too shy to break of contact with him and when he demanded to see me, I complied and would mostly go back to bed with him again. I know I shouldn't complain or feel regretful because I was there. I didn't have to fake it. I could have just told him how he was an asshole and he shouldn't contact me again, but I also feared he would become vengeful.
Our contact lessened when I ended up someone else bed. The thought of someone else seemed to ward him of as he was no longer the only person that touched me any more. It wasn't a relationship. He only wanted to be friend with benefits and I had agreed, although I couldn't help treat him like a boyfriend. Not really, but I did do my best to look pretty and did my best to please in hope of receiving praise. At first it seemed ok, but soon cracks started to show and when I wanted to go back to being friends due to my bad grades he yelled at me. Told me to remove myself from his life, from our mutual friend group and other nasty shit.
And I complied.
I was just so shocked, that he crushed all the trust I had placed in him and for him to cast me aside like that. If it weren't for a friend of mine I would have lost those friends and gone back to being alone as I was before I met them.
I don't know man. I'm rambling.
Can't really write every detail, but the more I think about it the more abuse I start to realise. Back then you don't see it, because I am way too sweet. I am just too fucking caring for relationships, which is why I can't trust. Don't give me that "You don't have enough experience" bullshit, because I am unsure if I want more experience at all.
Ok, I do. I like all the kinky shit, but I want to get a hug for once. I wanna experience what it's like to be able to cuddle after sex instead of being told to leave. It hurts me to think about me getting on that buss, take the train and cycle home, while he rolls over and sleeps.
I don't want the same shit over and over again.
Questions are fine.
I'm going to give you allot of background information on me to help you explain, because I want actual usable advice and not the typical "just keep your head up and someone you will find the right person ;)", because I understand it's well meant, but doesn't help me one bit. Also, might contain cursing and sexual references, just so you're warned!
I lost my virginity at the age of 16, within the first week of my first relationship to an asshole. There were no dates or romance. He bought me wine and took me up to his room for me to pleasure him. Even if I was uncertain he would press on. This was my first experience and set the example of what a relationship withheld; lust. I don't know how else to describe it? I cooked fro him once and I would sometimes drink with him and his friends.
As whiny and cliché it is to say it made me feel like sex was the only way to show love. You love someone? Suck their dick. If you truly love someone you know you won't get anything back, because love is selfless ,right?
I was too shy to break of contact with him and when he demanded to see me, I complied and would mostly go back to bed with him again. I know I shouldn't complain or feel regretful because I was there. I didn't have to fake it. I could have just told him how he was an asshole and he shouldn't contact me again, but I also feared he would become vengeful.
Our contact lessened when I ended up someone else bed. The thought of someone else seemed to ward him of as he was no longer the only person that touched me any more. It wasn't a relationship. He only wanted to be friend with benefits and I had agreed, although I couldn't help treat him like a boyfriend. Not really, but I did do my best to look pretty and did my best to please in hope of receiving praise. At first it seemed ok, but soon cracks started to show and when I wanted to go back to being friends due to my bad grades he yelled at me. Told me to remove myself from his life, from our mutual friend group and other nasty shit.
And I complied.
I was just so shocked, that he crushed all the trust I had placed in him and for him to cast me aside like that. If it weren't for a friend of mine I would have lost those friends and gone back to being alone as I was before I met them.
I don't know man. I'm rambling.
Can't really write every detail, but the more I think about it the more abuse I start to realise. Back then you don't see it, because I am way too sweet. I am just too fucking caring for relationships, which is why I can't trust. Don't give me that "You don't have enough experience" bullshit, because I am unsure if I want more experience at all.
Ok, I do. I like all the kinky shit, but I want to get a hug for once. I wanna experience what it's like to be able to cuddle after sex instead of being told to leave. It hurts me to think about me getting on that buss, take the train and cycle home, while he rolls over and sleeps.
I don't want the same shit over and over again.
Questions are fine.