Tainted Trust

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Freyja

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The title sounds like something straight of a shitty book, but I had no idea what else to call this.

I'm going to give you allot of background information on me to help you explain, because I want actual usable advice and not the typical "just keep your head up and someone you will find the right person ;)", because I understand it's well meant, but doesn't help me one bit. Also, might contain cursing and sexual references, just so you're warned!

I lost my virginity at the age of 16, within the first week of my first relationship to an asshole. There were no dates or romance. He bought me wine and took me up to his room for me to pleasure him. Even if I was uncertain he would press on. This was my first experience and set the example of what a relationship withheld; lust. I don't know how else to describe it? I cooked fro him once and I would sometimes drink with him and his friends.

As whiny and cliché it is to say it made me feel like sex was the only way to show love. You love someone? Suck their dick. If you truly love someone you know you won't get anything back, because love is selfless ,right?

I was too shy to break of contact with him and when he demanded to see me, I complied and would mostly go back to bed with him again. I know I shouldn't complain or feel regretful because I was there. I didn't have to fake it. I could have just told him how he was an asshole and he shouldn't contact me again, but I also feared he would become vengeful.

Our contact lessened when I ended up someone else bed. The thought of someone else seemed to ward him of as he was no longer the only person that touched me any more. It wasn't a relationship. He only wanted to be friend with benefits and I had agreed, although I couldn't help treat him like a boyfriend. Not really, but I did do my best to look pretty and did my best to please in hope of receiving praise. At first it seemed ok, but soon cracks started to show and when I wanted to go back to being friends due to my bad grades he yelled at me. Told me to remove myself from his life, from our mutual friend group and other nasty shit.

And I complied.
I was just so shocked, that he crushed all the trust I had placed in him and for him to cast me aside like that. If it weren't for a friend of mine I would have lost those friends and gone back to being alone as I was before I met them.

I don't know man. I'm rambling.

Can't really write every detail, but the more I think about it the more abuse I start to realise. Back then you don't see it, because I am way too sweet. I am just too fucking caring for relationships, which is why I can't trust. Don't give me that "You don't have enough experience" bullshit, because I am unsure if I want more experience at all.

Ok, I do. I like all the kinky shit, but I want to get a hug for once. I wanna experience what it's like to be able to cuddle after sex instead of being told to leave. It hurts me to think about me getting on that buss, take the train and cycle home, while he rolls over and sleeps.

I don't want the same shit over and over again.

Questions are fine.
 
o_o I mean... what exactly do you want advice for? How to regain trust for people in general? How to find a partner who won't treat you that way?

I'm not trying to belittle you or anything -- I'm just not sure what you're asking for.
 
Gods, I already regret making this thread. I ranted too much, sorry.

I need advice on how to regain trust in relationships and the people involved. Which also means a partner that doesn't treat me like shit, but the thing with bad people is that they don't exactly show their colours right away. As much as I understand that the right partner doesn't blow your way, I just don't want any more bad experiences.
 
I think you already know that that guy was extremely toxic, and while I can't relate to your specific situation, when I first started dating, the girls I liked that didn't suffer from bad experiences or trauma broke it off after a week, and the two who liked me were people who had suffered abuse or were otherwise used in relationships, they whole give sex to get love situation that you described. The first people who ever showed interest in me felt it was necessary to make it extremely physical because they worried I'd leave them, and they were the ones where they got extremely emotional and irrational to the point where their fears of me breaking it off, and the actions they took (one girl cut herself and threatened to kill herself a lot, and the other would break down in tears every time I talked to her that she was worried I was going to leave her) were the main reasons that I had to break it off. They were not healthy relationships, and I'm happy to say I'm still friends with one of them who after dating my friend and finding the answers she needed to get herself back on track became a really good friend and a person that if she was like she turned out being when we were in high school, I could have seen it working.

Anyways, my point is I think I can understand exactly where you're coming from because what you're saying rings quite a few bells.

For me, it took a while before I got used to the whole idea of relationships without a sexual aspect to it, because the only "successful" ones I had were like that, and it kind became natural to gravitate towards it. I do want to say, it's not like in your case where you were pressured into it, I definitely respect my partners and boundaries, I just get where you're coming from with the whole expectation angle that you described.

I do want to say that what you went through is not the norm, and while there's quite a few guys who are outright bastards who force that shit upon girls and manipulate them, it's definitely not what the average guy is like. I think moving forward, you just have to keep vigilant about guys starting to have familiar behaviour to your first boyfriend, and if anyone tries to pressure you into sexual acts so shortly into the relationship, leave. Absolutely nothing is keeping you to those people, and the last thing you want to do is get deeper into the whole that that relationship will become. If a guy brings up the subject, or makes a move, and you say no and you're not ready, then it really depends on if he listens to you or not. It's all about mutual respect.

But if you feel like you're ready to date, but are scared of what could happen, just remember that you're the one in control and you can back out at any time. But if a guy comes along that you get on with really well, don't be afraid to give it a shot and see where it goes. The only way you're going to break out of this is to see things that are different than what you experienced, I feel. It's not unlike being any other trauma victim, eventually you have to figure out how to step back into things to reclaim your life. Those feelings may always be there, and you may always have a sense of lingering distrust, but you'll have to give yourself a chance to prove that you're willing to take chances and prove yourself wrong.

And I can't stress it enough; there's guys who will respect you and your boundaries. They are out there, and you may have to try a few times until you find one who fits. Just steer clear of guys who start to act like your ex; I'm absolutely certain you never want to experience that again.
 
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It took a long time to reply, mostly because I kept re-reading your advice. I just really want to thank you for such a kind reply, because I kind of expected someone to tell me to get over myself and the thread would disappear in the void of real problems.

While I am in no rush to start dating again, I do feel like if I just keep repeating what you told me, especially the "if anyone tries to pressure you into sexual acts so shortly into the relationship, leave. Absolutely nothing is keeping you to those people" - part, I'll get there eventually, but I do think it will take some time.

Even the beginning story of you and those girls still hold value to me, even if you didn't mean it in that way, it warns me not to drag the issues of the past with me to future relationships. Would be a shame if the toxicity of the past ruined the future, especially sisnce I doubt it's something a guy wants to hear about his girlfriend.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is thank you.
 
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Hey romantic abuse survivor here. I know what it's like to feel conflicted about talking about your trauma but you did the right thing making this post. Your pain is valid and talking about it is the number one path to healing in my experience.

In my case I didn't realize how abusive certain partners had been until I started to recount certain events out loud. Abuse messes with your brain like that and you start to think the abuser's actions are normal. I remember a year or so after I escaped my Big Bad I accidentally damaged some possession of the girl I was seeing and I was so touched when she didn't yell or hit me I started to cry in relief.

I still have problems trusting others, healing doesn't happen all at once, but I see myself getting better. You'll get better too. Don't be ashamed to talk about what happened to you. When you realize the things that were unacceptable, remember them. I keep a list so I don't forget the next time. Oh and feel free to contact me if you need someone who's been there. You're not alone.
 
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I have a slightly different view of this, perhaps. Not sure if it will be helpful, but I hear you, so here it goes and I hope you don't mind.

First, I would never tell anyone that "the right person is out there for you somewhere, keep trying." IMHO it doesn't work like that because that's promising that someone is "perfect" for you, and perfect doesn't run in human beings, so the expectations there already make a mess in advance. And for people that claim they HAVE found the perfect partner - yeah, check back with me in 10 years on that. "Perfect" is an unfair standard to hold anyone to.

But let's back up.

I've been around. I've been there. Usually falling into situations where you are unhappily abused in a romantic/sexual relationship have their foundation in who you are BEFORE the romantic/sexual hookup starts.

Do you have self-confidence? Do you see other people clearly? Do you value yourself? Are you willing to be alone if need be, or will you do anything for love, companionship, etc.? Will you be able to call lovers/boyfriends/girlfriends on their shit or are you too nice, shy, insecure, unsure, - or willing to blame yourself for anything that goes wrong for the "sake of the relationship."

If you're operating from a overly intense level of need, of insecurity, of humility - call it what you will - it's pretty dicey. Even a somewhat normal person who may have been perfectly "fine" in their last relationship can start tipping the scales faced with a new partner who is willing to give all the power over to THEM. It's like...creating a monster.

So you have to do your part by hanging tough. By not being the victim one little bit. I know it's hard. People say I'm really sweet (IRL) and sympathetic and giving. If you're like that, you tend towards one end of the scale. You like things to be nice and you hate conflict with your mate and want romance in the air and all the other good stuff.

But you can't let yourself be blackmailed by the threat of conflict or by the relationship breaking up. You can't let the threat of loss of affection (or companionship or whatever you have going) run you. You cannot value yourself less than the other person. If you do, then the potential is high for a very troubled pairing.

I had a close friend that was being physically abused by her boyfriend. I told her she had to leave him. She screamed at me, "But who will I have THEN?!" She was angry with me for my advice. She cut contact with me for a while because she didn't want to hear that. She wanted a magic fairy-tale solution. Or pretty words ("it will get better if you just ...." blah blah blah). Eventually, after much more pain and fear, they broke up.

For me, raised by wolves as I like to say, it took a lot of time and a particularly horrific relationship for me to get it.

And I leave you with this.... You know who psychopaths are attracted to? Well, not their counterpart, they say, but NICE people. Their prey. Their victims. Is that the fault of their victims? Absolutely not! But all the most reason not to take shit off of anyone, including the darn nicest person in the world. ("Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of inevitable Harm With Psychopaths, Sociopaths & Narcissists" and other fun books!)
 
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It took a long time to reply, mostly because I kept re-reading your advice. I just really want to thank you for such a kind reply, because I kind of expected someone to tell me to get over myself and the thread would disappear in the void of real problems.

While I am in no rush to start dating again, I do feel like if I just keep repeating what you told me, especially the "if anyone tries to pressure you into sexual acts so shortly into the relationship, leave. Absolutely nothing is keeping you to those people" - part, I'll get there eventually, but I do think it will take some time.

Even the beginning story of you and those girls still hold value to me, even if you didn't mean it in that way, it warns me not to drag the issues of the past with me to future relationships. Would be a shame if the toxicity of the past ruined the future, especially sisnce I doubt it's something a guy wants to hear about his girlfriend.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is thank you.
You are genuinely welcome, I have no doubt you'll get to where you need to be when you're ready. I'm glad what I had to say had weight for you, and perhaps a perspective that will help. I sincerely would hope that in this particular subforum, people would recognize and respect the fact you asked for help, and if any of us make life easier for you, then I'd be beyond glad.

I know it's hard to see things clearly when you're right in the middle of it all, and a lot of bad things creep up on us without us really realizing it until it's too late, but I think you're going to be just fine and set things to your own terms. The past is a powerful resource for life lessons, but you're absolutely right; you can't let it eat away at you. You've nothing to be ashamed of, and for what it's worth, I believe in you.
 
sincerely would hope that in this particular subforum, people would recognize and respect the fact you asked for help, and if any of us make life easier for you, then I'd be beyond glad.

I haven't seen anyone be disrespectful, but since this directly follows my post, and in case it is misinterpreted as such, let me go the extra cautionary mile and assure you I write only out of concern and caring, and no other reason. As I said, I've been there. Hugs!
 
I haven't seen anyone be disrespectful, but since this directly follows my post, and in case it is misinterpreted as such, let me go the extra cautionary mile and assure you I write only out of concern and caring, and no other reason. As I said, I've been there. Hugs!

I actually didn't notice your post, I was writing when you posted. So no worries!
 
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AAAAH You're all so nice! What is this?!

I already thanked Dervish, but my thanks to all of y'all too! Even sharing your own experiences, wishing me luck and telling me they're there to talk is just so kind and sweet and it's just a solid reminder that I'm not alone! Well, of course I wasn't, but I had nobody near me who had had something similar in their lives. Not to sound whiny, but hearing you talking about it too just made me realise the seriousness of the abuse. I had always seen abuse as a purely physical thing(as in violence) to be honest. That's why I had the wrong approach towards this situation, mostly telling myself to simply push past it.

While, I won't really make a list like Aelita mentioned, I will take these past experiences with me to watch for red flags in people to come, so I can leave myself before getting in too deep. Especially Ravenfrost's input on the psychological pattern of such events really hit close to home,or rather to the me back then, which is a bit weird. I have endured allot of emotional abuse from my sociopathic mother, but I never feared conflict with her or felt sadness at the thought of losing her. Instead I met her bullshit head on with unbridled vengeful anger.

But I am getting of track here. Just a big hug to all of you and consider me helped! The rest I must do myself.
 
I can emphasise. Partly at least. I lost my virginity at 14. As a guy you're supposed to be proud of that. Funny thing, it put the fear of God into me. Don't do drugged up chicks. It's not what you want.

I didn't bounce back. You know how people have highschool sweethearts? I avoided the concept like the plague. For about three years I reverted to a preschool mentality of girls are icky. I mean sure, there's the usual dumb flirt and dance game, heck I had a group of friends who knowingly used the shittiest imaginable pick-up lines on college girls after we lost bets to one another. But intimacy and openness? Nope. Nope. Nope. I am out. No thank you.

Then I said the shittiest artsy bullshit about some girl's hair on the bus that made her laugh and before I knew it I had her number. Couple weeks later embarked our two year relationship.

Flirting and wits, I was great with that. Kisses were a bit awkward, but manageable sparingly. But whenever came up the topic of sex, I had a "headache".

I mean if anyone was wondering how to lose their man-card, that is how.

Now my story is a bit different than yours, but it comes down to the same. To get through this I had to communicate. If your partner loves you, like she did me, they will do their best to understand. If you feel the only way to feel loved is to have a dick in your mouth, well, try another method first. I've done a lot of cooking to show affection for example, and if the saying is true that should go double for you cooking for a guy. I think that, when you're enamoured, you should experiment with different ways of showing love. Cause I'll be the last guy to say sex isn't important in a relationship, but it is a method to share and express. Not to win.

That's not to say your next partner will be with you forever or even love you in that moment. Hell, said girlfriend has been my ex for ages by now. However, if having sex without love hurts you, work on sharing love before working on sex and be open about your feelings.

I hope that makes sense.
 
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