Same Shit Different Day. Spoiler (Move your mouse to the spoiler area to reveal the content) Show Spoiler Hide Spoiler ...really I was just going to post a simple thread and just have me scream for a while until I felt better, but thinking about it....it really doesn't help. I think I now have way to much time on my hands as I'm finding myself a little lonely and a little depressed as of late, not to mention tired, apathetic, and just down right blah. All my friends are at least 30 minutes away and most are much further. So I feel as if I have no one to really talk to anymore. Yes i've graduated, hurrah for me. I start graduate school in a few months so I get to pack up and move to pittsburgh, hurray! But...I have to go through the same shit I went through four years ago when I started Undergrad school...same battles about money and getting stuff done. Yeah I know I have deadlines, and I'm slowly working toward getting stuff done, but I have plans. I planned my entire 4 years of college out class wise (even had to revise a few times) and I ended up fine. 3.47 GPA and only two C's the rest A's and B's. Yet they still nagged at me then. Now it's back to the same thing. Apparently I don't follow up on stuff. and I don't care about school anymore. They want me to do what I want, and I try to then they tell me I'm wrong and stupid. I'm immature (okay yeah maybe but i'm only 21 and going into fucking grad school!), and some days I think they don't think I can stand on my own two feet. However, I don't want them to have to foot all my bills. We're tight on money as it is, and I know they want to help but I want to pay as much as I can too. Yet I know even that won't cover a fraction of what I'd need to pay off tuition alone. They just don't understand that I want to be independent so that they don't have to keep doing everything for me! It angers me because even here they say one thing and mean another! Of course I really shouldn't group this into 'they' but more of her. My mother. I, just can't get along with her it seems! That or, she'll be yelling at me one moment and then I just won't talk to her for a bit then she'll just chat with me as if nothing had happened and everything is honky-dory! I can't take it! She makes me feel horrible and then acts as if nothing happened? To top things off I'm stuck at home until I move because I have really nowhere else to go and I still have my job here until I move in August since I need the money. FASFA decides that I'm not a 'legal US citizen' so I have to send in crap again which means I STILL have no money for school... To add another layer of SSDD I'm still at wits end with my mom (mostly) about my relationship. They're threatened multiple times to stop giving me support just because I decided to have a boyfriend the end of last semester and continue my relationship when I go to graduate school. Calmed them down a bit, but they still aren't happy. But they're controlling me, and the worst part is, is that I'm just letting them. Perhaps I'm just using them for my own self, since I need them to get the loans big enough to pay for school, but still. I can drive out 30 minutes to visit a friend who lives nearby, but they absolutely refuse to allow me to go visit my boyfriend who is only about 35 minutes away. I've gotten in arguments with my mom about having a boyfriend. She had the nerve to tell me that "He's not the one for you" bullshit...how the hell does she know who is and isn't right for me? If she wants me to grow up and mature I have to make my own decisions and learn from shit! I'm willing to take the chances and actually live life and have what I want. She tells me one thing and expects another fucking thing all the time! Every time I get into a relationship she does this shit to me, and what do I do? I actually take it, in my own way. Though we often will just fight. I can't even mention my boyfriend without her getting mad at me... Well because of that, then, it has my boyfriend (obviously) upset, which makes me upset. Though I also wonder because I sometimes feel like I'm holding him back because he's done with school and I have two more years. He wants to wait for me...I dunno. I'm so confused these days that sometimes I wonder if any of this is even worth it? Been a bit down I guess...I cna't even keep my thoughts straight at this point. Perhaps I fear I'm falling into a downward spiral of a trend. I love my parents, because I wouldn't be here without them. Not because they're my parents, but because they really did allow me a second chance at life...despite all the obstacles and ups and downs, I just want them to be proud of me for who I am and my decisions in life. Yet I can't seem to make the right ones with them. What I want...they don't so we fight, and I end up becoming or feeling like the rotten child who just doesn't give a shit. So I usually end up just throwing my wants aside and bending to appease theirs to a certain degree. Yet I still do stuff behind their backs. Then there are my relationships. I don't know how a normal family should function. All I can remember is argument after argument...my boyfriend says he loves me...but do I love him? I care about him so much and want the best for him, and for him to be happy. I can't stand when he's down, and it worries me when he's not feeling well. I miss not being able to see him really, but when I do see him it's that strange 'so what do we do now?' feel. But I could be content just snuggling with him for a day. However, he keeps telling me that he wants to eventually start a life with me and that freaks me out, since I know i'm not ready for that, but he's willing to wait. I just dont' know... here I go rambling on and on again with useless thoughts from my mind. I feel a deep calm, but still I always feel as if some day I might burst. Hell, even today, I had more thoughts about grabbing a knife from the drawer and simply ending it right then and there. No worries I'm too much of a coward to do such a thing, and there is no real rational behind doing something so stupid. Yet...the thoughts sometimes do bother me...I just don't know anymore. I want to scream but find I can't. I want to cry but find I won't. I want to simply fade out of existence but that can't come true. I'm just, at a loss-- suppose you've read enough...sorry but I just need to get that out. If not, I quite literally might just explode soon...and that's only barely skimming the surface of the stuff on my mind, but I feel a little more at ease so I'll stop for now.