Squee's Character Criticism Thread

[Squee]

As some have done, I am going to make pre-made character bios in my own blog. They will be labeled into which genre they will belong in. This thread will serve the purpose of posting links to the character bios that I have finished for the community to give me constructive criticism to further flesh out, balance, and expand upon my characters.

I want the community to thoroughly analyze my characters personality, powers in some cases, and backstorys to make me be sure that the ideas I have are properly portrayed to future role play masters and fellow role players alike.

I want you to ask me questions on my characters personalities. I also am not too in touch with the genera power a single character is permitted on this web site, so I would like to see people stating if a power is too strong, or if their powers are too weak to stand a chance here.

So fire away. We'll start with Gordon Lawrance, a fantasy genre roleplay. Pleas do ask as many questions as you can, I want to be sure that my bios are all well made.

Link: http://www.iwakuroleplay.com/xfa-blog-entry/gordon-lawrence-a-squee-creation.2370/

Be ruthless! Even if you fear being mean, I want to flesh my characters out perfectly! If you think I need to add entire sections, that's fine too. Hit me with your best shot!

 

[Zen]

Coming from a background in combat, I can tell you've thought quite a bit on the combat and abilities of your character. It's good that your powers aren't overpowered, which is a huge pet peeve for rpers who indulge in combat heavy rps. My suggestion is for when you use this character for a roleplay that isn't heavy on action is you take away an ability. It's already a very rounded character since he has a sword and a bow, so taking away a magical ability won't hinder him so much.

As far as your character's personality, it looks solid enough for me. I'm curious to know how your character grew up with a dragon, but again, I'd have to find out through the story or roleplay. Keep up the good work.

 

[Squee]

Dragoon, not dragon :P

The word dragoon originally meant mounted infantry, who were trained in horse riding as well as infantry fighting skills. However, usage altered over time and during the 18th century, dragoons evolved into conventional light cavalry units and personnel. Dragoon regiments were established in most European armies during the late 17th and early 18th centuries.
The name is possibly derived from a type of firearm (called a dragon) carried by dragoons of the French Army. There is no distinction between the words dragon and dragoon in French; both are referred to as dragon.
The title has been retained in modern times by a number of armoured or ceremonial mounted regiments.
The word also means to subjugate or persecute by the imposition of troops; and by extension to compel by any violent measures or threats. The verb dates from 1689, at a time when dragoons were being used by the French monarchy

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dragoon

 

[Astaroth]

As an arms enthusiast, I really appreciate the thought and detail you've put into his weapons and armor and that you've tried to be as realistic and balanced as possible. I will say that 600 yards is a veeeeeeeeery long range for a crossbow, however; a more realistic range would be somewhere in the 375 mark, and the accuracy would still be quite poor at that distance. (Anything higher than 50 yards is not going to be accurate, really!) To achieve a greater range would require a larger crossbow that would be too unwieldy to carry. (Mind you, I'm not an expert, so I'm just going off of what I've read on my own. I'd recommend doing some research if you want to be sure.)

I'm curious about the magical abilities. Are these gifts inherent to his race? Did he learn them somewhere? (And if so, where and how did he learn them?)

I think you could go into more detail on the bit about his instincts. What kind of instincts, precisely, does he have? What do his instincts drive him to do? How do they help him? Why does his species have these instincts to begin with?

I'd also like to know more about the village where he grew up. Was it a Ranashi village, or was his family alone in the area? What sort of climate was it? Did he have any friends other than Mystro?

As for Mystro, how did he become a dragoon? How did he and Gordon begin training? You said that the family moved to the village because there was no threat of invasion; was this because the town's military forces were so strong, or did they not need a militia at all? How did this affect the boys and their access to martial knowledge?

Why did Gordon have such a complex about living up to his father's name? What sort of deeds did his father perform as a mercenary?

What were his early years as a mercenary like? Why was he given the ability to choose his own employers right off the bat, when he was young and untried in the field? Did life as a mercenary prove to be what he always dreamt of, or was he faced with some grim realities? Did he make any new friends?

Who was his employer on the mission where Mystro was taken? Where were they escorting it? Was it a long journey? Where were they when the men came to attack them? Was it an ambush? What sort of men were they- what did they wear, how did they fight, what sort of weapons did they use? Were there any clues as to who sent them? How did Gordon get away? Did he confront his employer? Did his loss of the cargo have any consequences?

Other than searching for his lost friend, what has Gordon been doing for the last four years? How does he reconcile his quest with his mercenary work? What is his reputation as a mercenary? Does he have any usual haunts or people that he visits?

I hope that helps. :]

 

[Astaroth]

Oh, and one more item that I only just thought of: If Gordon's father was a mercenary, how often was he at home? Did he travel a lot? How did it affect Gordon's relationship with him? Did he help Gordon and Mystro train, or discourage them?

 

[Squee]

While I appreciate the wall of questions, some of those questions were things I intentionally left vague. If this character is to be put into a roleplay, being of the fantasy genre that he is in, no matter the roleplay, some adaptation will be necessary. Example, as for his powers, if the fantasy roleplay calls for races having powers other than humans whom are technology based (seen a few of these in the past) then I would have to say his powers are bloodline. In the event of powers being able to be harnessed by an sentient race, they were probably self taught. In some occasions it might fit better that it was learned via a mentor-apprentace lineage.

Second, the village is left vague because if I flesh it out in the pre-adapted version of his bio then I have to change -everything- in multiple scenarios. A roleplay with a divided state of nationalities, it was probably a Ranashi only village. In the scenario of it being a unified whole, or a diversified world split under multiple governings, there's a large chance the story would best fit if he was the only, or one of the only Ranashi families.This would also effect the climate, however this gives me the reminder to add a climate preference to the race... Which by the way is a cold climate.

Questions in Mystro; His bio is coming soon, just hang tight ;) The two will be linked together once both are done, but I'm going one step at a time.

I left room in the employer to mercenary relationship to adapt to the roleplays as well. If the world were in a time of war, then it would be logical to assume that for a reason of a shortage of free agents a mercenary could act on his own earlier on in the career. In a time of peace then it would be illogical to assume.

As far as instincts, good call...I'll be sure to flesh that out more and post the before and after. As for crossbow, I mad mixed it up with a normal bow when doing the research previously, my bad. That will also be fixed up.

Gordon's father...Will also be fleshed out. Along with the life of a mercenary. This will be another thing to keep slightly vague though due to needing to be adapted to the world he is placed in.

Thank you for the questions!