Sometimes I feel like... a fictional character.

[Kagayours]

It's a weird feeling, but, sometimes I just feel so... two-dimensional. I feel like it's so easy to predict what I'm going to say half the time. Like, someone could easily create a Tumblr ask blog about me responding to questions and they'd probably still be pretty accurate. Because I feel more like a character than a real person.

I always tell people that exact same backstory about not receiving an ADHD diagnosis until I was 16 and how my life got so much better after I tried medication. Like, there are no other important events in my life that are worth talking about. That's my backstory. Or at least that's what it feels like. I talk about ADHD so much in general that, again, it just makes me feel flat -- like everyone already knows these characteristics about me and just rolls their eyes when I bring it up again. Like I'm a badly-written canon character in a fandom RP in which a complex and interesting character has been boiled down to just two little character quirks that just get brought up over and over.

It's the same thing with my interests. I talk about Doctor Who, the Beatles, Pokemon, and Steven Universe. I assume that everyone just kind of expects that of me (well, maybe some things on that list moreso than others). And sometimes I wonder why I tend to take it so personally when I see someone criticize one of those things or just state that they don't like it, and I guess it's because... I'm so two-dimensional that stuff like this manages to become such a huge part of my identity, and it feels hard to not take it personally.

And then, like... I guess there's also the fact that I GM Fandomstuck and I talk about how I'm so proud of my GMing skills and how all my RP's are so long-lived, but that also just feels so predictable and 2D... anyone who posts a thread in GC or RP Discussion asking about long-lived RP's or what RP's you're proud of already knows what I'm going to say.

*sigh* Just some thoughts I've been having lately... I know it's such a weird thing to be upset about, but, I've been thinking about it a lot...

 

[Hana]

I don't think you're a flat character at all, Kaga! Whenever I see you on General Chatting you always have something interesting to bring to the table too for discussion, and I can see how passionate or interested you are about the stuff you talk about especially when you talk at length about them. It's not a bad thing, and you're not 'predictable' because those are the only things that make you up as a person. When one sees another often enough around the forums, they become pretty known for what stuff they like or talk about. ^^

Hope this comes across as encouraging, but I think you shouldn't take what you think other people think of you too seriously. I like you, and I think you're a very nice person. I see you reply to Rant or Need Advice threads in Counseling and you genuinely try to be helpful and understanding of the people in those threads. That's a good trait to have.

While I don't really know or read or watch the stuff you really like, I'm sure that the people who like those stuff as you do must be pretty glad to know someone like you. ^^ I hope that you feel better today.

 

[Greenie]

I like you, and I think you're a very nice person. I see you reply to Rant or Need Advice threads in Counseling and you genuinely try to be helpful and understanding of the people in those threads. That's a good trait to have.

I totally agree with this. I don't know you too well, but I've seen enough of your contributions to know you're not a 2-D person. Sure, your likes are know, but then it's the same with everyone, isn't it? I think the more we see of a person, the more we discover new things that just makes you that much more complex.

That time for example, when you'd sent me a pm to invite me to Altera. I was seriously touched. I didn't think someone would actually take that post of mine seriously. ^_^

Like @Hana mentioned, the fact that you care and try to help shows you're more than what you may be thinking. We all have stuff we're passionate about, and sometimes end up talking too much about (like me with cats ^_^') but that's just human nature I feel.

 

[Kagayours]

Whenever I see you on General Chatting you always have something interesting to bring to the table too for discussion, and I can see how passionate or interested you are about the stuff you talk about especially when you talk at length about them.

I mean... like what?

I feel like when I talk in GC, it's always either about my already well-known interests, or about social justice stuff where I feel like I'm talking out of my ass and making myself look like an idiot in front of members who would probably disagree with me and who are much better at arguing it. And I've kind of been trying to hold myself back from doing too much of either of those things...

Like, I hate to say "citation needed" in response to a post that's supposed to be encouraging, but... I really can't think of that many noteworthy posts of mine that feel like they're beyond the box that I've written myself into... And I guess you could argue that's just confirmation bias talking, but, I could also argue that other people would also overestimate how much I talk about these things due to confirmation bias, as well...

Hope this comes across as encouraging, but I think you shouldn't take what you think other people think of you too seriously.

Yeah, I mean, logically I know that I shouldn't care so much what other people think. But, emotions tend to not be so logical... I will say, though, that I think I've been making progress in not worrying so much what other people think of me -- in a general sense, at least. But, specifically the thing about feeling 2D... that's still been bugging me. Really it isn't even just about how other people see me. It's affecting how I see myself. I feel like even I don't see much of a complex character in myself. >.<

Still, I appreciate the kind words.

Sure, your likes are know, but then it's the same with everyone, isn't it?

Ehh... not really...?

Like, I can think of a few Iwaku regulars who have their own iconic thing (Brovo and ferrets, Gwazi and shitposting, Diana and owls), but like... well, first of all, I can definitely think of other traits that I can describe those people with -- unrelated to their interests -- and secondly... well, I feel like all of them have made some sort of effort to intentionally make that part of their identity. But with me, it's like... I'm not going to hide my interests, but I'm not going to go out of my way to tie every post I make back to those things. I feel like that would just come across as... annoying.

But, in any case, I feel like most people really don't make their small list of interests so well-known that it's nearly impossible not to associate them with it... Like, it's one thing if you're close friends with the person. But when it comes down to acquaintances that you see around GC, I don't think I ever really think of someone as just being "that one person who really likes X". Hell, even Brovo is way more than just the guy who likes ferrets. But, I feel like, the way I'm presenting myself, that's how people see me -- I'm Kaga, the GM of Fandomstuck who really likes the Beatles. That's all I'm boiled down to.

And that's where the whole fictional character thing comes in. It's easy to boil a fictional character down to a small set of interests or personality traits that just become who that character is. Spongebob likes working at the Krusty Krab and jellyfishing. Sonic likes chilli dogs and going fast. I feel like that's the level of simplicity that I'm at.

We all have stuff we're passionate about, and sometimes end up talking too much about (like me with cats ^_^') but that's just human nature I feel.

But... lots of people like cats...

I mean, I know I'm certainly not the only Beatles fan on the forum, but the point remains -- most people don't talk about them so much that it's practically a part of their identity... And the same can be said for the rest of my interests, I think.


Like, to be honest, you really don't stand out to me as "the cat person" of Iwaku, because lots of GC regulars love cats... it's just too common of a thing to enjoy for me to really associate it with a single person (or even a small handful of people) like that.

And while I suppose one could counter that statement with "but aren't the Beatles also really popular?", I still feel like cats are on a bit of a different level...

That time for example, when you'd sent me a pm to invite me to Altera. I was seriously touched. I didn't think someone would actually take that post of mine seriously. ^_^

Uhh... refresh my memory. Were you the person who said that you never saw any long-lived RP's, so I invited you to Altera because all my RP's are long-lived and so I assumed Altera would be the same?

Because, I mean... if you want to say that I'm a kind and empathetic person in general, then, ok, I understand where you're coming from. But the Altera invite... *sigh* I still feel like that just comes back around to me talking about what a great GM I am and how all my RP's live to be over a year old and all that. Which is also a rather arrogant thing to say, hence why it comes up a tad less often than most of the other interests and traits discussed here...

 

[Brovo]

If you are not satisfied with what you are, either learn to live with it, or change it.

There is nothing else to really be said.

 

[Kestrel]

For a Steven Universe fangirl, you put a lot of effort in your albeit long and somewhat rambly argument a couple months back. Seeing you respect the thoughts and ideas of others even if they're opposite of your own and cause you frustration, actually speaks volumes about character beyond "interests" in my book.

Also: don't tell anyone because it's a biiiiiiig secret, but being able to keep RP's alive for extended amounts of time requires your players to like you for who you are as a person to some degree. If people hated your guts or didn't think you were worthy of the lofty title of 'person' there's no way said RP's would have lived as long as they did.

I don't interact with you very regularly, admittedly, but I don't think you're a 2d manifestation of ADHD and fandoms.

Beyond that?

If you are not satisfied with what you are, either learn to live with it, or change it.

Though do make the effort to ask yourself why in the first place.

 

[Kagayours]

If you are not satisfied with what you are, either learn to live with it, or change it.

There is nothing else to really be said.

And how am I supposed to "change it"? Suppress any desire to talk about my interests? Put effort into making myself sound more complex and interesting than I believe myself to be?

As for the first two -- what do you think I'm trying to figure out, here? This is a rant thread. I wanted to get some emotions of mine out in the open. I'm trying to sort out my thoughts so that I can figure out how I feel about this, and then maybe figure out how to feel better.

I appreciate the kind words from other posters in this thread, but your comment in particular is rather unhelpful. I think it's pretty damn obvious I'm currently in the "not happy with myself" camp, and I didn't need someone like you to tell me what the only two logical answers to fix that are. Especially since this wasn't even specifically marked as a "seeking advice" thread. It's a rant thread. I was ranting. Ranting helps, for me. Please don't comment on my rant threads telling me things I already know while making it sound like you're passing down some sort of great wisdom.

 

[Brovo]

And how am I supposed to "change it"? Suppress any desire to talk about my interests? Put effort into making myself sound more complex and interesting than I believe myself to be?

As for the first two -- what do you think I'm trying to figure out, here? This is a rant thread. I wanted to get some emotions of mine out in the open. I'm trying to sort out my thoughts so that I can figure out how I feel about this, and then maybe figure out how to feel better.

I appreciate the kind words from other posters in this thread, but your comment in particular is rather unhelpful. I think it's pretty damn obvious I'm currently in the "not happy with myself" camp, and I didn't need someone like you to tell me what the only two logical answers to fix that are. Especially since this wasn't even specifically marked as a "seeking advice" thread. It's a rant thread. I was ranting. Ranting helps, for me. Please don't comment on my rant threads telling me things I already know while making it sound like you're passing down some sort of great wisdom.

I don't think there's a need for insults. I really don't. I'm sorry if my piece of advice offended you, but that's no reason to go and spit on someone who was just trying to help you, Kaga. Especially being an Intern Moderator--that's not really... Okay. You can't just go and blast people like that publicly. Take it to PM's if you have some sort of grievance with me.

Seriously. If you just asked nicely, I'd back off. If you wanted me to better explain myself, I'd do that too--I'm not some perfect person. This response though? Way outta line.

 

[Kagayours]

I don't think there's a need for insults. I really don't. I'm sorry if my piece of advice offended you, but that's no reason to go and spit on someone who was just trying to help you, Kaga. Especially being an Intern Moderator--that's not really... Okay. You can't just go and blast people like that publicly. Take it to PM's if you have some sort of grievance with me.

Seriously. If you just asked nicely, I'd back off. If you wanted me to better explain myself, I'd do that too--I'm not some perfect person. This response though? Way outta line.

Ok, you're right. That was a bit hostile, and I'm sorry about that. That being said, I didn't mean it as a personal attack. I was frustrated by your advice, yes, but I didn't mean to insult you. Or at least, not you personally. I see now that a lot of my words were poorly-chosen, though. I know you were just trying to help, and I should've expressed that better -- I just don't think your advice is helpful. That doesn't mean I dislike you as a person, though.

Sorry again for acting this way. I can delete the post if you want, though I don't if it would do any good at this point...

 

[Dervish]

Until you start repeating an identical phrase after the end of a dialog tree, you're far from a two dimentional person.

Let's look at you self-professed interests; you like Steven Universe, the Beatles, Doctor Who, and a bunch of other stuff to the point of wearing it on your sleeve and now you hit a point where you think it's all you are. Hardly the case; you strongly identify with those things because there's something about them that speaks to your values as a person. Just because you feel like it's the majority of what you talk about doesn't mean that that's all you are to everyone else, as others have pointed out, you're very compassionate and willing to listen to people. You may not have noticed it, but a lot of people respect you because you respect their opinions, even when you don't agree.

Your big successful RP is literally about fandoms being personified, yet despite everyone having wildly different interests and seemingly incompatable fandom themes, you managed to bring a lot of different people together, and well from what I understand. Hell, like 90% of my roleplays are based on fandoms. I don't think that defines me (even though I'm like 100% sure I have a reputation as "that Mass Effect and Elder Scrolls guy"), I just see roleplaying as a logical expression of my interests and fleshing out worlds I came to love.

Point is, you're more than what you like and the fact you're emotionally invested in social issues just tells me that you genuinely care about others and want people to understand people's struggles. I hardly see you as a 2D person, far from it. You're someone I have had great conversations with in numerous occasions and for me, that's a qualifier you're not a boring paper person.

Just because the face of your online interests is predominant, you can say that about a lot of people here. I'm one of those guys who changes his avatar after years because it becomes my online "face" and I get attached to it. Brovo and Diana are basically the token animals, and (sorry for making an example of you bud, but you're honestly a good example) Brovo can be definined as the ferret guy who writes an absurd number of roleplay guides and writes college lectures every time he gets involved in a discussion, if we were applying the same narrow view to him you're applying to yourself.

Honestly, if you're in a rut, try to break out of it. Maybe do something like change your Iwaku theme to something not related to a fandom so you kind of feel like you are giving yourself a clean slate. Find some offline stuff that you might want to try and write about it. Go take a day trip somewhere.

It honestly feels like you just got into your own head and are holding yourself up to a lens no one else is. You're fine, honest!

If you need to chat, hit me up.

 

[Hana]

Until you start repeating an identical phrase after the end of a dialog tree, you're far from a two dimentional person.

Let's look at you self-professed interests; you like Steven Universe, the Beatles, Doctor Who, and a bunch of other stuff to the point of wearing it on your sleeve and now you hit a point where you think it's all you are. Hardly the case; you strongly identify with those things because there's something about them that speaks to your values as a person. Just because you feel like it's the majority of what you talk about doesn't mean that that's all you are to everyone else, as others have pointed out, you're very compassionate and willing to listen to people. You may not have noticed it, but a lot of people respect you because you respect their opinions, even when you don't agree.

Your big successful RP is literally about fandoms being personified, yet despite everyone having wildly different interests and seemingly incompatable fandom themes, you managed to bring a lot of different people together, and well from what I understand. Hell, like 90% of my roleplays are based on fandoms. I don't think that defines me (even though I'm like 100% sure I have a reputation as "that Mass Effect and Elder Scrolls guy"), I just see roleplaying as a logical expression of my interests and fleshing out worlds I came to love.

Point is, you're more than what you like and the fact you're emotionally invested in social issues just tells me that you genuinely care about others and want people to understand people's struggles. I hardly see you as a 2D person, far from it. You're someone I have had great conversations with in numerous occasions and for me, that's a qualifier you're not a boring paper person.

Just because the face of your online interests is predominant, you can say that about a lot of people here. I'm one of those guys who changes his avatar after years because it becomes my online "face" and I get attached to it. Brovo and Diana are basically the token animals, and (sorry for making an example of you bud, but you're honestly a good example) Brovo can be definined as the ferret guy who writes an absurd number of roleplay guides and writes college lectures every time he gets involved in a discussion, if we were applying the same narrow view to him you're applying to yourself.

Honestly, if you're in a rut, try to break out of it. Maybe do something like change your Iwaku theme to something not related to a fandom so you kind of feel like you are giving yourself a clean slate. Find some offline stuff that you might want to try and write about it. Go take a day trip somewhere.

It honestly feels like you just got into your own head and are holding yourself up to a lens no one else is. You're fine, honest!

If you need to chat, hit me up.

This, this, all this. I couldn't have said it better. :o

I hope you feel better, Kaga. If you also need someone to talk to, my inbox is open. ^^