WRITING Some Stories i have written

Discussion in 'SHOWCASING' started by AllThePasta, Aug 1, 2014.


Was it decent?

  1. It was Great!

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  3. You could do better.

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  6. Practice your writing skills before uploading more Fanfiction.

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  1. So i don't really know how to do this because i'm still fairly new to this site (XD) but i'm gonna post the first prologue chapter of one of my Naruto Fanfic stories and want to know what you guys think of my writing style and if there are places where i should improve in. Any type of critique is nice ^^.

    The First Chapter (open)

    The day was October 10th, also known as the day the Yondaime Hokage defeated the Kyuubi No Kitsune, the nine tailed fox. It had been 5 years since the incident and all around the village people were celebrating and cheering for the fox’s demise. Most of the village knew that the Kyuubi No Kitsune was sealed inside a certain boy named Naruto Uzumaki and figured that he would grow up to turn into the nine tailed fox incarnate. The ones who didn’t figured that he was the fox itself in a human form and resented him along with the rest of the village. The only ones who knew otherwise were the ninja and Hokage of Konohagakure and treated him like a normal boy, if not some favored him while a few of the ninja community downright hated him, having a similar mind set of the villagers.

    The blond container was currently leaning against the fence of one of the training grounds away from the village. That training ground being training ground #44, The Forest of Death. From far away one would consider he was relaxing a taking a nice nap. But if one were to get closer they would notice that, they were in fact wrong and could see that the boy was on the brink of death. Below him was a pool of blood that was steadily increasing, his body littered with bruises, gashes, cuts, stabs, and some burn marks all across his body. Several long gashes could be seen across his torso, proof that he had been slashed by those who possessed swords, all equally piercing and cutting internal organs that one couldn’t see from the outside. The boys eyes were closed but he was barely conscious, his wounds were slowly healing until several moments later a lone shinobi appeared before him, his only proof of being a ninja was the headband tied to his forehead while the rest of his face and body were hidden away due to the black cloak he was wearing with the hood covering his head.

    “You will die on this day, you filthy fox demon…” The man said as he dragged the boy a short distance away from the fence.

    Prepare to suffer, if this doesn’t kill you then the things in that forest will… Fuuton: Renkuudan!(Wind Release: Drilling Air Bullet)” The man bellowed out as his stomach started inflating. After a few moments he slammed his fist into his stomach, shooting a bullet of pure wind out of his mouth and into the boy who was blasted over the fence and deep into the forest of death.

    “Good riddance, demon…” The man said as he walked away, hidden by the darkness of night, the only light source showing his face slightly, revealing light cyan hair and a smirk on his lips.

    (With Naruto)

    Naruto’s only thought as he sailed through the trees and air was one. ‘Why do you all hate me…Why can’t I die…Please kill me…’ as he finally crashed head first into a tree, fracturing his skull as he fell to the ground. His hand lightly landing on a metallic purple sword handle that he didn’t care to notice.

    (In Naruto’s Mindscape)

    After a few moments Naruto awoke inside of a sewer, pipes littering the roof and sides with a massive gate in front of him threatening to rip open, it’s only resistance was that of a piece of paper in the middle with, to him, a bunch of scribbles on it. ‘So they threw me into a sewer this time? Better than last time when they tied me to a kunai on top of the Hokage’s tower and made me fall to my untimely death, that didn’t lead me to dying…’

    Wrong, boy…” Naruto heard from a deep grumbling voice that originated from beyond the gate in front of him.

    “Who’s there?” Naruto questioned while staring into the darkness behind the gate. After a few moments of deafening silence he saw two massive red slitted eyes appear behind the gate.

    You are not inside of a sewer brat; you are inside your mindscape, the subconscious part of your mind… I am the Kyuubi No Kitsune, and you will stop staring at me with those dead eyes of yours or I will squash like the bug you are…” The red eyes said as they moved forward into the light, revealing a massive orange fox the size of a small mountain.

    “I wish you would squash me… That way I wouldn’t have to suffer anymore…” Naruto replied as he looked down in sadness.

    You’re not scared or questioning why I’m here? Why is that so mortal?” The fox demon questioned, pure curiosity filling his red eyes.

    “Well I figured you would be here since I theorized that you can’t really kill something as big and strong as you. It only made since that you were sealed into me. It explained why the villagers were trying to kill me daily and kept calling me ‘fox demon’ and ‘demon brat’…” Naruto explained calmly while looking back into the fox’s eyes.

    Your smart aren’t you boy? Smarter than I thought at least…But it appears we are not the only ones here…”The fox demon stated as he looked to his left making Naruto follow his gaze. What he saw would have made others lose their bowels, but Naruto didn’t as he had dealt with death every day and the villager’s gazes, glares, and stares were scarier than anything he had experienced. Standing in front of him was a ten foot tall fat creature with torn and ripped shorts and no shirt. Littered across its body were massive gaping mouths, all of them open and salivating. The most notable one being the large one the size of the boy located on its stomach open with a red eyeball inside of it staring into the boy’s eyes, as if it was studying his soul.

    You’re not scared of me?” The creature questioned in a deep a rumbling tone that threatened to shake the entirety of the mind scape.

    “No. If anything your more like a pleasant toy I play with in past times, while my nightmares are much scarier than you look…” Naruto replied staring into the eyeball with his dead eyes that threated to roll over signifying his death though they did nothing of the sort. It was so unnerving and dead that it made the creature and the fox shiver slightly before returning to normal.

    I see… You interest me boy… Your eyes show pain and hurt, betrayal and the unanswered wish of death of yourself… I’ll make you a deal… If you prove to me that you are of a certain material by allowing me to see your past, your dreams, your soul, and your chakra, then I will allow you to wield me and sign my contract. If you cannot I will save you from your life and swallow you whole… Do we have a deal?” The creature questioned while still staring into the boys eyes.

    “Deal…” The boy replied without a hint of hesitation, a slight gleam of hope shining from his glowing cerulean eyes.

    The creature then walked forward and placed one of its giant meaty fingers on his forehead and drew out a small white ball that contained all of the boy’s memories and dreams. It then brought it to the mouth on its stomach and swallowed it whole without hesitation. It stood still with its mouth closed for a few moments before opening it once more.

    Boy, your memories are horrible, and your dreams terrifying… I accept the first two conditions and will move on to the next two…” The mouth said as it once again reached out, pressing its finger against the boy’s chest where his heart was. He drew out a pure white ball that had hints of black in it before swallowing it too and stood still with its maw closed for a few moments before opening once again.

    Your soul shows extreme purity with hints of taint, perfect for my contract… I will now move onto the last condition…” The creature stated before reaching out and poking Naruto in the stomach, drawing out a massive blue ball the size of Naruto’s body with hints of white, black, and red in it. It opened its maw so widely that it threatened to split the creature in half before swallowing the ball and, once again for the final time, left it closed for a short while before opening once more.

    Your chakra is much larger than others, the yin and yang inside of it in perfect and harmonious balance. It shows the Kyuubi No Kitsune’s chakra littered inside of it from healing you constantly and daily. Perfect for the contract I am offering you… Now, boy, for the most important part, do you accept the contract of The Seven Sins…” It questioned staring at the blond boy with its one massive eye.

    “I accept the contract… Tell me the conditions…” Naruto replied while showing more light in his eyes.

    The conditions go as follows. One, I will train you in the way of the ninja, I will teach you in each and every subject so that you may be the perfect ninja. Two, you will treat each of those in the contract as people, and not monsters or sources of power. Three, you will allow each of those who you summon to reside in your mindscape and will allow us to join with your senses, and will allow us to establish telepathic links in your mind so we may converse. And finally, you will kill, destroy, and maim any and all immortals you encounter, especially one with the name Orochimaru… Do you accept these terms, Naruto Uzumaki?” The creature listed off, awaiting Naruto’s answer.

    “I accept these terms, on the account that the Kyuubi No Kitsune accepts them also… After all, I’m not the only one inhabiting this body…” Naruto replied making both the creature in front of him and the fox to the left of him widen their eyes in surprise.

    I accept these terms also, as long as you allow me to train the boy along with you…” The fox said, the boy he’s sealed inside of surprising him more and more.

    Alright, here is the scroll, sign it with your blood and we can get started…” The creature said while drawing a large scroll out from the mouth on its stomach, it was pitch black and had a white strip down the middle. He opened it revealing that only one other had signed the contract. It showed the kanji for Orochimaru but it had a large slash over it revealing that he had been forcefully removed from summoning them anymore. Naruto bit his thumb and signed the kanji for ‘Naruto Uzumaki’ in blood.

    After doing so the contract disappeared and so did the creature. Standing in its place was a tall pale man with white hair and red eyes. He wore a white silk kimono with light cyan waves on the body with dark cyan trimming. He had his arms crossed against his chest as he stared the boy down.

    My name is Gluttony… I am also known by those I trust by Shingo…” Shingo stated as he continuously stared Naruto down.

    “If you only tell your name to those you trust then why tell me?” Naruto questioned as he titled his head to the side and had genuine curiosity glimmering in his cerulean orbs.

    Because boy, you have experienced something that even we demons consider cruel… I am putting my full trust in you and I hope you do not betray it…” Shingo said before continuing.

    Before we continue I must tell you some things about the demon world. First of all, all demons are born neutral, they do not hate nor do they love humans, they do not hate nor do they love deities and holy beings. The only time they show hate is when someone or something tries to take something that belongs to us. Secondly, the fox sealed into you is one of the 9 infamous bijuu, they are, in essence, the god’s of the demon world, and you shall treat them with respect. Thirdly, the one sealed inside of you is Kurama, he is the last of the Kitsune demon clan and you will treat him with the respect he deserves. Lastly, the others who you will meet later on are Wrath, Lust, Envy, Greed, Pride, and Sloth. You will only meet them when certain conditions are met. If they approve of you they will allow you to summon them from then on and will give you their sword. All of us sins are sealed inside swords and you are lucky you found mine. You will treat all of us respectfully and will not treat us as trash like Orochimaru did. We are there for your gain yes, but we are also there to be your teachers, your co-workers, and if you allow us, your friends and family…” Shingo finished as he sat down beside Naruto and crossed his legs.

    “Alright, understood Shingo-Sensei.” Naruto replied staring at him and Kurama in awe.

    Alright then, for now I want you to continue acting like you have before, do not fight back to the lowly trash you call villagers and I wish for you to enroll in your villages ninja academy, while there I want you to fail twice and just barely pass on the third time. While doing so I want you to dress and act like a fool. We need others to think of you as weak, it will allow you to surprise and overwhelm them. When any of us say so that is when you are allow to show your full power, you will not mention any of us, including Kurama-sama, until we say so. Agreed?” Shingo lectured while watching the blond boy.

    “Yes Shingo-Sensei.” The boy chirped simply, life fully revived and shown in his eyes.

    Good, now wake up, grab my sword, and get back to your village and head to your so called, Hokage-Jiji… You should be fully healed by now but you are weak, you will have scars mind you, but you have excessive blood loss and the only reason you’re alive right now is because of Kurama-sama.” Shingo said getting up simultaneously helping the boy up as well.

    “Okay Shingo-Sensei.” The boy replied walking away before stopping mid stride and turning around.

    “Um, exactly how do I exit this place?” He questioned making both Kurama and Shingo sweatdrop.

    Close your eyes and try to focus on a small tugging in the back of your mind. Focus only on that and you should wake up. That’s also how you get back here.” Kurama stated before closing his eyes to sleep.

    “Alright, see you guys later, or soon, or in my thoughts, or in, you know what, never mind, bye.” Naruto said before closing his eyes and slowly fading away.

    Naruto awoke to the sight of a clearing, he was currently leaning back on a tree and the sun showed light between the tree’s, signifying that it had just started its lift into the sky.

    ‘Must have been here longer then I thought’ Naruto thought as he stood up and looked around him, studying his surroundings before looking down and to his left revealing a large 1 and a half meter long purple sword that was 2 feet wide. It had what looked like scratches littered across it. The handle was 4 inches long and there was nothing covering it, revealing purple metal with 1 vertical scratch on each of the handle. He picked it up and was surprised to find it weightless. ‘Wonder why it’s so light, it looks so heavy…’ Naruto thought before he got an unexpected response.

    It’s because I have made you its wielder, to you its weightless. To those you trust and allow to carry it, it feels like their trying to lift the Hokage Mountain. The weight is one of its 2 security measures. I won’t tell you its other security measure but I will teach you the first skill for it. I want you to pick it up and focus, don’t close your eyes and just focus on the sword, try to put your energy inside of it. Once you feel you’ve done so then say Mezame: Ōkui (Awaken: Gluttony).”Shingo said inside of Naruto’s mind, effectively startling him at first before he calmed down.

    “Alright then, let’s try this Mezame: Ōkui!” Naruto shouted aloud. After a few seconds the sword started lightly vibrating drawing the blonde’s attention before what happened next startled him. All the lines across the sword besides the ones on the handle opened rapidly, revealing giant gaping maws with jagged teeth, some with tongue’s hanging out and others without, where the supposed scratches once were.

    Good Naruto-san, now do the same thing but this time say Suimin: Ōkui (Sleep: Gluttony).” Shingo said inside of his mind.

    Suimin: Ōkui!” Naruto bellowed out once more, the mouth’s all closing instantly, returning back to the image of scratches across it.

    “That was so cool. Well time to get to Hokage-Jiji. But I don’t want to be holding this thing all day, so I should get a sheath for it.” Naruto said before Shingo provided a solution.

    Naruto-san place it behind you on your back and a holster will automatically appear for you’ Shingo said. Naruto did as he said and placed it behind his back, after a few seconds a black length of cloth soon appeared, wrapping itself around the sword tightly before going over Naruto’s right shoulder and connected with another length of cloth on his left hip. The sword was large and it nearly eclipsed his shoulders, the blade stopping a few centimeters above the ground and from inside his shoulders, only improving the image of its size.

    “So cool…”Naruto said aloud before jetting off to meet his grandfather figure.

    (30 Minutes later in front of the Hokage Tower)

    Naruto arrived looking like he had just woke up and walked inside the Hokage tower, ignoring the glares he got from the civilians located inside and the sad smile from the Hokage’s secretary. He arrived at the door leading to the Hokage’s office and knocked as hard as he could. After a little while a “Come in” came from behind the door and Naruto calmly walked in.

    “Hey, Hokage-jiji!” Naruto shouted as he walked inside and stopped in front of Sarutobi’s desk.

    “Naruto? To what do I owe the ple-“The Hokage was stopped short before he took in Naruto’s appearance and started to seethe with rage, letting out his KI, frightening the 3 anbu in the room before he calmed down.

    “If it’s about my clothes and how I look then don’t worry. Kyuubi-sama healed me before I could die. I was told to come here by someone who I respect greatly to tell you some things.” Naruto said before thinking ‘what do you want me to tell him Shingo-Sensei?’ ‘Tell him everything I’ve told you, from what your memories show he’s one of the only people who you can trust with anything that I’ve informed you of.´ Shingo replied.

    “First, Jiji can you get the anbu to leave the room? It’s very important and can affect this village depending on how you take it…” Naruto said.

    “Sure, but Naruto, after this, you’re going to tell me what happened to you…” The worried Hokage said before snapping his fingers making the anbu leave and put some chakra into the privacy seal on the bottom of his desk.

    Over the course of 20 minutes Naruto informed the olden Hokage about everything he had learned and been told from Shingo besides Shingo’s and Kurama’s actual names. Once he was finished the Hokage looked on towards Naruto with shock showing in his widened eyes before he snapped out of it.

    “Naruto how can I trust these claims that you make? They sound a little far-fetched for me to believe…” The Hokage said with worry evident on his face. ‘Can I show him Shingo-sensei?’ ‘Go ahead Naruto-san’ Shingo replied as Naruto pulled his sword from its sheathe, making the cloth disappear.

    Mezame: Ōkui!” Naruto shouted as the sword snapped to life. The Hokage quickly jumped out of his seat in shock before calming down and sitting back in it.

    “Alright Naruto-kun, I believe, I’ll follow along with your and Gluttony-sans plan so long as he promises not to harm you or put you in any danger.” Sarutobi explained. ‘Naruto I’m going to teach you your first jutsu right now. Bite your thumb and draw blood, then place your hand on the ground and push chakra into it, then yell out Kuchiyose no Jutsu: Ōkui ’ Shingo explained.

    Naruto bit his thumb, slammed his hand on the ground and yelled out “Kuchiyose no Jutsu: Ōkui!(Summoning Jutsu: Gluttony)” Seals ran across the ground before disappearing into smoke, blinding Naruto and the Sandaime Hokage. The smoke cleared only to reveal Shingo in his human form.

    Hello Hiruzen Sarutobi. My name is Gluttony. Naruto, go wait outside for me, if you would please.” Shingo said. Naruto complied and walked out of the room and waited 10 minutes behind the closed door before it opened and Shingo walked out and closed it once more.

    Alright Naruto, he agreed. I’m going to dispel and we’ll start your lesson soon. For now, Sarutobi-san is going to take you to the hospital in a few minutes so you may get a blood transfusion. Frankly I’m surprised you haven’t passed out yet and have gained my respect in that aspect.” Shingo said before dispelling and going back into Naruto’s mind scape before continuing. ’Also tonight while you’re resting I’m going to bring you in here so that you may, as you humans say, ‘Spruce Up’ the mind scape. All this sewer water is making me thirsty…’ The gluttonous man said, making Naruto scowl slightly in disgust before the Hokage came out.

    “Alright, let’s go Naruto-kun.” Hiruzen said walking away with Naruto. Little did Naruto know that this encounter would change his future and life for the better.

    There ya go!