So much content, not enough feels. Please help.

[Sapphira_Roan]

So a little bit about me to begin with. This might be a bit long winded, but please stay with me. I need to know that someone knows/cares/can help.

So I've been struggling with depression since I was 13 years old, I'm now 22.

I feel I've been through a lot. I got married young. I was 19. I thought i loved him and I thought he loved me. We were living in VA. Very far from my family in Texas. Very far from friends. He was miltary. And a good guy. Mostly. Kind of. Anyway. We had a lot of misadventures in Marriage. He cheated on me twice. We were practically homeless (lived in a hotel for 6 months and two partially completed homes before moving back into a hotel.) Anyway, we ended up splitting, me leaving with several emotional scars.

I now live in Texas Close to my family and friends. But that isn't what this is about.

I've been off meds and out of counseling for about 7 years. I don't like the way they alter my mind. I feel too vulnerable. And despite my depression, I am a fiercely confident woman. I love myself and who I am. But there is this horrific little black cloud that shows up from time to time and I'm like a zombie.

Today I almost broke down. Nothing triggered it. I had felt off when I woke up. And my best friend who works in the same bakery with me was playfully teasing me and made a sassy face. And I had to fight back tears. I was like a soulless smileless being for the rest of the day. I just felt so repressed and vulnerable and lonely.

I'm concerned that I may have more severe depression than I thought I had. It seems like clinical depression with bipolar episodes. They're happening more frequently but this was the first time it happened at work.

Is anyone dealing with this? I don't want to go to a psych again. I don't want pills. I just want help.

 

[York]

Perhaps if you want help, you need to find some sort of way to be at relative peace with yourself... Perhaps that feeling is showing up for a reason that you're not aware of, or it's just simply a feeling that will plague you for a while until it eventually goes away. If I were to be honest, that feeling follows me around too sometimes, that sinking feeling, the lack of being able to enjoy yourself, etc etc. Depression really can be tough on someone sometimes, but the best thing to do would be to fight it, keep it from over-running your life, but at the same time don't become oblivious to it either; it often leads to rather dastardly mistakes in the long run. XS Just my two cents from someone younger who suffers from a similar disorder in a similar situation sometimes.

 

[Jargo]

"To change your mood or mental state — change your vibration. One may change his mental vibrations by an effort of Will, in the direction of deliberately fixing the Attention upon a more desirable state. Will directs the Attention, and Attention changes the Vibration. Cultivate the Art of Attention, by means of the Will, and you have solved the secret of the Mastery of Moods and Mental States. To destroy an undesirable rate of mental vibration, put into operation the Principle of Polarity and concentrate upon the opposite pole to that which you desire to suppress. Kill out the undesirable by changing its polarity. To kill out a negative quality, concentrate upon the Positive Pole of that same quality, and the vibrations will gradually change from Negative to Positive, until finally you will become polarized on the Positive pole instead of the Negative. The" — The Kybalion.

The universe, in its nature, is mental thus making the will superior of any manifestation that may occur in the physical or mental plain of existence - that's why you have prisoners bending metal bars, women lifting cars off their babies and Auschwitz prisoners being more mentally stable than half of the people today. Think about these, it's the most helpful thing for your situation atm. best of luck ^^

 

[Brovo]

I've been off meds and out of counseling for about 7 years. I don't like the way they alter my mind. I feel too vulnerable. And despite my depression, I am a fiercely confident woman. I love myself and who I am. But there is this horrific little black cloud that shows up from time to time and I'm like a zombie.

Today I almost broke down. Nothing triggered it. I had felt off when I woke up. And my best friend who works in the same bakery with me was playfully teasing me and made a sassy face. And I had to fight back tears. I was like a soulless smileless being for the rest of the day. I just felt so repressed and vulnerable and lonely.

I'm concerned that I may have more severe depression than I thought I had. It seems like clinical depression with bipolar episodes. They're happening more frequently but this was the first time it happened at work.

Is anyone dealing with this? I don't want to go to a psych again. I don't want pills. I just want help.

Yeah, I deal with stuff like this. I know you don't want to go to a psychiatrist again, but if your life is being potentially ruined by a mental disorder, you should see one. You don't have to take any pills, and last I checked with mine they can't force you to take any medication against your will either. A psychiatrist has been trained for eight years in post-secondary specifically to help with stuff like this, to try and reassure and help you understand what's going on. I'm just a guy on the Internet who is afflicted with such feelings myself, and while I can try to relate to you, I can't really give you professional advice.

That disclaimer aside, I'm not going to tell you to just "change your vibrations" to make it go away. You can't just magically wishy washy feelings away, especially ones that are the result of a potential/confirmed disorder. What you can do is accept that it's part of your life, allow yourself to breath, to cry, to feel pain. Let the emotion out and do your best to stay in control. Repress it at work, get home, and detox. Nothing good comes from never letting your emotions out and beating yourself up for feeling awful: It's probably part of why you feel awful in the first place.

Now if you just need to talk, to scream and cry and get whatever is bothering you off your chest, I'm available anytime. There are others here more than willing to listen and help you. Just remember, most importantly, no matter how alone you feel, or how worthless you feel, you aren't. Sure, maybe you're a broken toy, and maybe I am too, but we're fully capable of being good people, and living good lives.

... There's nothing else I can really say. Good luck.

Quote.​

 

[Sapphira_Roan]

I just feel so vulnerable. I don't like letting people in, you know? My depression is confirmed, I am mildly concerned it could also be bi-polar, but I really don't want to know, you know?

 

[Brovo]

I just feel so vulnerable. I don't like letting people in, you know? My depression is confirmed, I am mildly concerned it could also be bi-polar, but I really don't want to know, you know?

I know, I understand. There isn't much more I can do except offer to listen if you need an ear, though, and recommend seeing a psychiatrist. You may not want to know, but it'll really help you learn how to deal with this stuff if you know for certain, non?

 

[Tempest]

I'm someone actually diagnosed with bipolar disorder and struggles with it on a day to day basis. I've actually been where you are with randomly bursting into tears for no apparent reason over the smallest things during my depressive cycles. It just takes something so small to just trigger it and I'm breaking down sometimes. And that's part of the reason I actually started seeing my therapist and taking medication, because I knew I couldn't handle it on my own. Its a quality of life thing. I couldn't see myself trying to manage feeling like that all the time, personally, so I sought help from a professional. It takes time to get the medication right sometimes, and that's why communication is so key when you are in the process of testing out medication. It shouldn't effect you and change who you are and how you feel on a day to day basis but simply make it so those deep depressions are not so severe. It brings it into a manageable range so that you aren't going into a fit of tears over nothing and you can escape that black cloud, ya know?

As far as being able to tell whether you have bipolar disorder or simply depression... Bipolar disorder is typically characterized by ALSO experiencing periods of mania, where you are in a high-energy state where you often exhibit risk-taking behaviours. You're quite often agitated, possibly aggressive, in constant motion and doing things you would not normally do because you have so much energy and are less likely to be grounded by inhibitions. Ie) increased sexual activity, reckless spending of money, thrill-seeking activities, partying, etc. Personally, when I'm in a manic phase, I'm just so much more motivated, I don't sleep, I eat a lot more because I'm awake for such extended periods. I'm just doing something constantly cuz I can't sit still. I talk to people a lot more. I have a constant smile on my face and am perfectly happy the entire time. I am the life of the party to be around and nothing seems to get my spirits down. However, I'm a bit easier to stir to anger for a brief moment before I switch back to happy-go-lucky.

This is as opposed to my depressive cycles where I'm pretty much secluding myself from people. I sleep constantly, find myself not wanting to do anything and hardly eat because I feel myself constantly nauseous. I also have a bad habit of randomly bursting into tears and for no real reason and just generally being detached from the world. I am distant and have trouble finding joy in anything or enjoying things I normally love. I really can sit there doing nothing for hours at a time just staring at the ceiling because that is all I want to do, my disinterest in life is that great.

 

[Sapphira_Roan]

Well fucking shit. u.u;; That's it. I have a week or so of cloud nine joy and then a major slump for days/weeks. I feel like I'm wading through mud on those days. I also feel like the 'lows' have been more frequent and stronger lately. When they're overtaking me, I feel to lethargic and.... less. I just feel less.

I guess I could look more into the illness. But how am I supposed to tell some bespectacled lady in dressy clothes that I literally have NO clue why or how I feel like this? There seem to be no triggers. It just happens.

 

[Tempest]

Sometimes there's no reason behind it at all. I can tell you most of the time... I have no reason behind why I get these giddy highs and terrible lows. Its just sometimes when I'm in those states, someone doing something illicits a reaction I can't explain, its just like a knee-jerk, ya know? And sometimes that's part of it, you can't control feeling these things and you don't know why, and that may be something you can talk to this person about. But, really... Try to remember theyre people too and they got into this line of business to help people. They're there to give you support and do what they can to help you. It may be hard to open up at first, it may take a few sessions to get more comfortable... Hmm... But in the end, its up to you whether you really want to seek out help or not, but I would advise towards it as I've been on both ends, as a worker in mental health and a patient.

 

[VincentSatoe]

I feel compelled to chime in, even though every one responding before me have pretty much said any thing I could think to say.
But as some one that has regular bouts of depression and understands a reluctance to let others into your mind, you can not allow your self to become trapped, as (at least in my case) the depression turns my own mind against me and attempts self destruction.
it sort of like fire extinguishers filled with gas... if that makes sense.
I hope if you decide to ask for help you find some one that you can learn to feel comfortable with.
your not alone and some times we all need a hand.

 

[Sapphira_Roan]

Thank you, everyone. I've decided to do some searching for a good psychologist or psychopharmacologist. The other day I completely lost any feeling. It was really devistating in hindsight and I don't want to be on that level again. So if it requires letting someone in or even taking some medicine, I suppose it's worth it to not feel like my world is broken around me.

 

[VincentSatoe]

I'm rooting for you.

 

[Brovo]

I'm glad you've done so. If you need any help coping, feel free to come back and ask for advice. If you just wanna chat, hit me up sometime. I'm usually available.

 

[Fijoli]

I tend to say this alot...but just in case. Pay very very close attention to was you ingest.

Amount of Sugar
Caffeine
Energy drinks
sodium
the types of fats in your food

There are many foods and products that you may effect you differently than they would others.
trial and error!

My father was diagnosed bi - polar and when he cut these things out of his diet, it changed his mood swings. They were less harsh and less frequent and now he never has them. Sometimes medicine is not the cure all for depression and some individuals do need it, but taking a daily walk, drinking a shit ton of water, hot herbal teas, and eating healthy things will absolutely improve the balance of your body's chemicals.

It wasn't easy for my father, or his family watching him force himself to do things, it was hard, but he stuck with it and was determined to, in his words, "beat it. I hope that this will help you and also that you start feeling better. :)

<3
Fijo