- Posting Speed
- Speed of Light
- Writing Levels
- Douche
- Preferred Character Gender
- No Preferences
In the dark and eerie depths of the Neverdissuader Church, a group of cult members has congregated. They are all standing around their leader and listening to a mighty tale of action, revenge and passion…..
CLAUDIA: ……….and that's how me and Heather survived getting shot by Kaufmann on the roof.
CULT MEMBER 1: Wow! That story was amazing!
CULT MEMBER 2: I can totally see how you survived!
CULT MEMBER 3: Er….I have a question.
CLAUDIA: What?
CULT MEMBER 3: How come you two survived but Douglas didn't?
Pause
CLAUDIA: Come again?
CULT MEMBER 3: Douglas. The guy who was with you on the roof. He got shot in exactly the same way.
Pause.
CLAUDIA: Doesn't ring a bell.
CULT MEMBER 3: He was the detective who found Heather. His name is Douglas.
Pause.
CLAUDIA: Oh yeah, that guy. Well, did you really think he was gonna make it to the sequel?
Pause.
CULT MEMBER 3: …….. yeah, I guess you're right.
Near the back of the congregation, Heather stands and listens in silence. Suddenly, she turns her head, as if sensing something in the distance. She frowns and moves away from the congregation. Drawn by the mysterious feeling, she heads down the stairs to where two other cult members stand guard at the Church doors.
CULT MEMBER 4: Oh, Heather…..I mean, your Holy Motherliness…..we were just about to come and find you.
CULT MEMBER 5: Some guy was here a few minutes ago, asking to see you.
HEATHER: Really?
CULT MEMBER 4: Yeah, we told him to go fuck himself, but before he left he gave us this.
He hands Heather a small white envelope.
CULT MEMBER 5: He said that "you had set him free".
Heather opens the envelope and a small silver medallion falls out. Her eyes widen as she recognises the necklace that her father had given her. She opens it up and sees that half of the crystallised aglophotis is missing.
HEATHER: What? It can't be………he's dead.
CULT MEMBER 4: What should we do?
HEATHER: Tell the others to get out of here. Demons are coming.
CULT MEMBER 5: How does she know that?
CULT MEMBER 4: Cos she's the mother of God you twat! Now do what she says!
The cult members start running up the stairs to warn the rest of the congregation. As they escape there is loud and heavy pounding on the church doors. Eventually they buckle and cave inwards, revealing 3 Ghosts.
HEATHER: Hiya fellas.
GHOST 1: That's her…..
GHOST 2: The anomaly…..
GHOST 3: How should we proceed?
GHOST 1: We shall make a futile attempt to kill her…..
The Ghost lashes out towards Heather. She blocks his fist and then blocks it again and then grabs him by the wrist. The Ghost opens up his hand and lightning bolts shoot out of his fingertips, burning Heather's arm.
HEATHER: Hmm…upgrades. This must be Silent Hill 5.
The Ghosts drift towards her and she back-flips into the air, spinning slowly and gracefully like a vial of aglophotis. As she spins she takes out a health drink and swallows it in mid-air.
GHOST 1: She has health drinks…..
GHOST 2: We are doomed…..
GHOST 3: Don't worry, she hasn't picked up a plank of wood yet…..
Heather lands and roundhouses all three of them to the floor.
GHOST 1: She kicked us……
GHOST 2: We lost a portion of our health…..
GHOST 3: Let's get up before she stamps on us…..
HEATHER: Will you guys shut the hell up!
She grabs one by the arm and judo throws them into the wall. Then she uppercuts the second, before sweeping the legs of the third.
GHOST 1: I will be on the ground for exactly 3 seconds……
GHOST 2: Drive a sword through us in order to keep us pinned to ground……
HEATHER: I know! Why the hell are you telling me…..
GHOST 3: The longer you hold down the R2 button, the more powerful your attack will be…….
Pause.
HEATHER: Ah, shit! I knew it! I'm in the fucking tutorial!
GHOST 1: The radio will sound to alert you of nearby monsters……..
HEATHER: Ah, shut the fuck up!!!
Heather enters a cheat code to get a submachine gun.
GHOST 1: She has a submachine gun……
GHOST 2: It is easy to use and moderately powerful…….
GHOST 3: But remember to keep an eye on your ammunition…….
HEATHER: DIE!!!!!
Heather blows the crap out of the ghosts.
Outside the church, as the sound of gunfire dies down, two dark figures walk towards each other.
DARK FIGURE 1: Well, that went as expected. Everything is happening as it did before.
DARK FIGURE 2: Well, not exactly like before.
DARK FIGURE 1: Mwha ha ha ha ha ha!
DARK FIGURE 2: Mwha ha ha ha ha ha!
Pause.
DARK FIGURE 1: How do you get that high-quality shine on your helmet?
DARK FIGURE 2: Well any high-street brand polish will do, but the secret is all in the elbow action. You've just gotta work it.
DARK FIGURE 1: Thanks, I'll try that.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Later on, Heather, Claudia and the rest of the congregation are marching through the woods.
CLAUDIA: So how did they know where to find us?
HEATHER: I don't know. But this medallion that the Dark Figure left for me – it has to mean something. He said that I had….freed him.
CLAUDIA: Ah well, let's not worry about it now. We're almost there.
HEATHER: Where are we going?
CLAUDIA: To the hill.
HEATHER: There's a hill in Silent Hill.
Claudia and the congregation all stop and frown at Heather.
HEATHER: ……I mean……it's just……its never featured in any of the games…….
CLAUDIA: What, you think the ancient natives just decided to call it Silent Hill for no reason?
HEATHER: Well no…but….
CLAUDIA: You think a couple of Indians came across this place one day and said "Ooh, look, a nice flat landscape surrounding a big lake. What shall we call it? Silent Lake? Nah, that's not catchy enough."!
HEATHER: No……it's just……
CLAUDIA: Jeez! To think that after all this time the Mother of God turns out to be a dizzy blonde with less mental faculties that Henry Townshend!
HEATHER: Okay!!! I'm sorry!! Forget I said anything!!
They carry on walking and begin to ascend a gigantic hill.
HEATHER: Hey, I can see my old school from here.
CLAUDIA: Shut up!
They reach the top of the hill, and in the ground there is an entrance to an old air-raid shelter.
HEATHER: Cool.
CLAUDIA: Welcome to New Jerusalem, the last cult city!
HEATHER: Wow! This is your famous city? This place must be tighter than Fort Knox!
Claudia bends down over the air raid shelter entrance.
CLAUDIA: Goddam it! I told you people to clean the keypad once a month!
CULT MEMBER 1: Sorry boss, we forgot.
Claudia presses the slightly more worn-away buttons on the keypad, and the entrance opens up.
CLAUDIA: Come, there is much to do.
They climb down the ladder and into the depths of the hilltop. The air-raid shelter opens out into a huge underground city shrouded in mysterious darkness.
HEATHER: Woah! This place is spooky.
Claudia gets to the bottom of the ladder and starts fishing through her pockets.
CLAUDIA: Shit! Anyone got a quarter? Oh it's okay, I found one…..
She puts a quarter in the meter and suddenly the entire city lights up in cheerful colours. Through giant loudspeakers, "What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong starts playing, and everywhere there are flowers and pretty houses. Children come out of their homes and start playing in the streets, and kittens and bunny rabbits frolic amongst the sparkling waterfalls.
Pause.
HEATHER: Hmm……
CLAUDIA: What? What now?! A sarcastic comment? A sassy remark? Come on, out with it!!'
HEATHER: No…….nothing……it's fine.
Pause.
HEATHER: But it does explain how you lot put up with Silent Hill.
CLAUDIA: What, you think we actually like it out there?
HEATHER: Well, that's what I…..
CLAUDIA: Do we think we're all nuts or something?
Pause.
HEATHER: Erm……well…..
CLAUDIA: Oh never mind! I have work to do!
Claudia walks off and stands on a podium overlooking the city. She picks up a microphone and begins to address her citizens as they come out of their pretty and colourful houses.
CLAUDIA: People of New Jerusalem, hear me! I come before you today, not as your wise and slightly unhinged leader, but as a sister in this great cult that we have built with blood, sweat, and sizeable donations from the Republican Party! Our church on the surface has been compromised, and very soon a whole army of demons will be tunnelling towards us…….unless they figure out the keypad riddle, which I highly doubt! Very soon we shall be fighting for our very right to exist. But I tell you this today, people of New Jerusalem – I am not afraid. And why am I not afraid? Because I believe something that you do not? No! Because I remember: I remember that for twenty years we have held out against the demons and the sinners who would thwart our plots. I remember that for twenty years we have refused to apply any modicum of logic or common sense to our religious beliefs. And, after twenty years of our enemies trying to destroy us, I remember that which matters most: WE ARE STILL HERE!!!!!
CULT MEMBERS: HOORAY!!!! CLAUDIA ROCKS!!!!!!
HEATHER: Wow, that was a stirring speech. Have the Silent Hill team finally got a decent director?
CULT MEMBER 1: Yeah, they brought in Ridley Scott.
HEATHER: Wow. How did they get him on board?
CULT MEMBER: Well they promised him they would hire an assassin to take out the entire cast and crew of Alien Resurrection.
HEATHER: Ah, I see.
CLAUDIA: And now, citizens of Jerusalem, I give to you our greatest weapon, our shining light, our hope amidst despair, our holiest of holies, our redemption and salvation…………ALESSA!!!!!!
CULT MEMBERS: YEAHH!!!!!!
HEATHER: Huh?
The cult members grab Heather and bundle her up onto the podium.
HEATHER: Woah! Hold on….wait!!!
Claudia puts the microphone in her hand.
CLAUDIA: Top that, bitch!
Claudia runs off, leaving Heather standing on the podium with the entire cult staring up at her.
HEATHER: …………erm…………hi!
The cult looks at her in silence. There is a random shout from the crowd.
RANDOM CULT MEMBER: I love you Alessa!
HEATHER: ………..eh, right……well…….hi, I'm Heather……sometimes known as Alessa…….or Cheryl……….or Mistress Gladhand……
Heather coughs and the microphone squeaks.
HEATHER: …..er, yeah, anyway………..so, um……yeah….Mother of God and all that. Let's…..er….kill those sinners, yeah? Can I get an amen …..?
The cult looks at her in silence.
HEATHER: …….right………..um………say, here's one…..a Mumbler, a possessed nurse, and James Sunderland walk into a bar………..and the barman says…….
Suddenly Heather is interrupted as a Cult Member rushes up onto the podium.
CULT MEMBER: Alessa, your holiness, there is an urgent letter for you!!!
HEATHER: Oh….really?
CULT MEMBER: Yes, it's from the Oracle. I'll read it to you.
HEATHER: Leonard? Ah….wait!
The cult member unfolds the note and starts reading. His voice is picked up by the microphone and amplified through the entire city.
CULT MEMBER: (reads) "Heather, you silly bitch, I hope this letter finds you dead, but if not, then I hope that you will suffer an agonising death as soon as possible."
Heather smiles uneasily at the crowd and starts trying to turn off the microphone.
CULT MEMBER: (reads) "I still haven't forgiven you for what you did! It was bad enough insulting the cult's religious beliefs and saying that we were all a load of deluded bullshitters. But actually setting fire to my Bible was taking it too far!'
Heather struggles with the microphone, but is unable to turn it off.
CULT MEMBER: (reads) "I have always been a very tolerant man, but the things you said to me that day were frankly outrageous. You compared our cult to the Smurfs on a bad day, and said that anyone who believes in God is clearly someone who hasn't been laid for a long time."
Heather starts banging the microphone on the pulpit, trying to break it.
HEATHER: Shut up dude!
CULT MEMBER: (reads) "And what's worse, on the way out you assaulted Madonna in the waiting room and stole her shoes. This kind of behaviour is completely out of order."
Heather shoves the microphone under her armpit.
CULT MEMBER: (reads) "Anyway, enough of that. Despite your sacrilegious contempt for all forms of organised religion, you are still the Mother of God, and I am still the Oracle. There has been a new development, and it is important that I speak to you as soon as possible. You know where to meet me."
He puts the note away and the cult stare at Heather in silence. She laughs nervously.
HEATHER: …..er, right, thanks………I'll be heading off then……..peace out!
She runs off the podium. Claudia and her advisors are waiting for her.
CLAUDIA: This is very serious, Alessa. A lot of good men died getting this letter to you.
HEATHER: Don't you people have phones?
CLAUDIA: No, we communicate by bloodied notes and magical symbols. It is the only way to guarantee secrecy.
HEATHER: Yeah, I'm sure there's a couple of demons in a van somewhere wearing headphones and eavesdropping on the telephone calls!
CLAUDIA: Yes, there's one on the viewing platform overlooking Silent Hill. Haven't you seen it?
HEATHER: Oh whatever. I'm off to see the Oracle.
CLAUDIA: Be careful, Alessa. There is something strange going on here….I am sure of it.
HEATHER: Jeez! Nothing get's past you, does it Claudia?
_____________________________________________________________________________
Later that day, Heather approaches the doors of Brookhaven Hospital once again.
HEATHER: Right………this time I'm ready………
She moves toward the door and reaches out to it. Just before she goes in she spins round and punches Angela in the face. She then kicks Eddie in the balls and left-hooks Daphne. She then gets the Level 60 Druid in a headlock and starts punching him.
HEATHER: This hospital is not important! Fuck off all of you!!!
She breaks the Druid's neck and throws him to the ground. She then enters the hospital with no further hindrance.
HEATHER: Madonna!!! I brought your shoes ba……
Heather stops when she realises that the waiting room is no longer there. There is only a dark hallway with a man standing at the end of it.
HEATHER: Who are you?
STANLEY: I am Stanley Coleman, the gatekeeper.
Heather walks up to him.
HEATHER: Oh right, so you're here to take me to the Oracle?
STANLEY: Yes….but first…..
His hands shoots forward towards her.
HEATHER: Huh?
She looks down and sees that he is fondling one of her breasts.
HEATHER: What are you doing?
STANLEY: I love you.
HEATHER: Piss off!
She pushes him away.
STANLEY: Sorry. Okay then, let's go.
He leads her to a door at the end of the hallway and opens it using a shiny set of keys. They enter into a long corridor.
HEATHER: Wow! What is this place?
STANLEY: These are the doors that won't open in all of the Silent Hill games.
HEATHER: There's thousands of them!
STANLEY: Yes. These are all the doors that appear to have jammed locks.
HEATHER: What do you mean "appear" to have jammed locks?
STANLEY: The doors can be opened. But you need to turn the handles clockwise rather than anticlockwise.
HEATHER: Oh bugger!
STANLEY: We are here.
They come to a halt by one of the doors.
HEATHER: So what, you're the guy who goes around reversing all the door handling in Silent Hill.
STANLEY: No…..I protect that which matters most…..
He opens the door by turning the handle clockwise, and beyond it there is a large yard with a park bench in the middle, where a strange creature sits. Heather enters and approaches the park bench.
HEATHER: Leonard?
LEONARD: Hello again, Heather. Please, sit down.
She sits down next to him.
HEATHER: You wanted to see me?
LEONARD: Yes, something very important has come up.
HEATHER: They're building a Starbucks?
Pause.
LEONARD: No.
HEATHER: Oh.
LEONARD: It is about the sequel. It is in terrible danger……
HEATHER: Silent Hill 5? But I thought it was safe!
LEONARD: No…….it is no longer safe at all…..
HEATHER: What do you mean?
LEONARD: You have been troubled lately, haven't you Heather? Every night, you have been having the same dream….
HEATHER: How did you know that?
Pause.
HEATHER: Oh yeah, right – Oracle. Got it.
LEONARD: Tell me about your dream, Heather.
HEATHER: Well, it's about James Sunderland.
LEONARD: You're one-time lover who also screwed Harry's wife and then….
HEATHER: Well let's not get into all that again. Yeah, the dream's about James getting kidnapped by………by…...
LEONARD: By who, Heather?
HEATHER: By….Tom Cruise.
LEONARD: As I thought.
Pause,
HEATHER: So what does the dream mean? Does it symbolise my subconscious resentment of sociological values and their sexual repression of middle-class America?
Pause.
LEONARD: No. I'm afraid that James has been kidnapped by Tom Cruise.
Pause.
HEATHER: …..shit! That…….sucks!
LEONARD: Yes.
HEATHER: But why is Tom doing this?
LEONARD: Do you remember a few months ago they made a film of Silent Hill.
HEATHER: Oh yeah, the movie that got condemned by the critics because it didn't have a wise-cracking token black guy in it saying "Hot damn! Dat Pyramid Head is a crazy-ass bitch!" every five seconds.
LEONARD: Yes. The film was flawed from the outset.
HEATHER: What's that gotta do with Tom Cruise?
LEONARD: He originally tried to buy the rights to the movie, but failed. As a result he was driven insane, and he vowed to take his revenge by becoming the director of Silent Hill 5.
HEATHER: The bastard!
LEONARD: Yes. He came to Team Silent with the idea of continuing the Cult Plot by inventing a wise-cracking black half-sister of Alessa who would go to Silent Hill and give birth to a God who would save humanity through the power of hip-hop.
HEATHER: I think I'm gonna be sick!
LEONARD: But Akira Yamaoka chased Tom Cruise away by hitting him with his guitar, and he was never seen again. Until last night, when a man broke into a house in Portland and abducted James from his bed.
HEATHER: It was Tom?
LEONARD: Yes. The midget and the transsexual who were sharing the bed with James gave a very accurate description.
HEATHER: Oh, my God! Why James?
LEONARD: James Sunderland was due to join Team Silent and give them input on creating a storyline with all the psychological subtleties and moral fables of Silent Hill 2. He was to be the guiding influence on creating the best Silent Hill game yet. But all those hopes died when he was taken from us.
HEATHER: I have to save him.
LEONARD: Tom Cruise has set himself up in a place called Heaven's Night, a club just down the road. He is holding James there.
HEATHER: I'm gonna kick his ass!
LEONARD: Be careful Heather. Tom has great power here in Silent Hill. He will be a force to be reckoned with.
HEATHER: Got it.
Stanley Coleman comes up and touches Leonard on the shoulder.
LEONARD: Ah. And now it is time for me to leave. Good luck Heather. Let us hope that you truly are the one who will lead us into Paradise.
HEATHER: Yeah, cheers Lenny.
Leonard and Stanley go out through the door and close it behind them. Heather gets up to leave, but stops suddenly when she hears a sound. She turns to see a dark figure emerging from the shadows.
HEATHER: Who's there?
DARK FIGURE: Hello again, Miss Mason…..
From the darkness before her, Pyramid Head appears.
PH: It is so good to see you again?
HEATHER: Dad? You survived?
PH: Your father is no longer here. But yes…..I survived.
HEATHER: But I killed you!
PH: Yes, you killed me. You cast me from the roof, and I fell, down into the hotel carpark. My body was broken and my spirit shattered. But it was not the end. Death was upon me, but then from the darkness there came voices, and I found myself in the grip of a terrible power. I heard the cries of my fans, far and wide, at home, in bars and clubs and Internet chat forums. They refused to let me die, for I had given them so much and now they would repay me. Fuelled with the power of my cult status, I rose once more into the light. And when I awoke I found your necklace beside me – the necklace that you had thrown from the rooftop. I opened it up, and I devoured half of the aglophotis within it.
HEATHER: But surely that would have killed you!
PH: Oh no, Miss Mason. It only killed the part of me that was a monster. But thanks to my fans I had become so much more. Through endless forum threads of over-analysis and rampant speculation they had turned into a messenger of God, and protector of the Holy Mother, a divine avenger, an ambiguous cosmic force. I was no longer just a creepy weirdo who stalked James Sunderland. I was a god of the Silent Hill mythos, a legend and an immortal entity!!!
HEATHER: So what do you want?
PH: I am here to reclaim what is mine. I am here to get back what you took from me. Purpose!
HEATHER: Purpose?
PH: Yes, my purpose! You tried to portray as a cheap villain, nothing more than a component of a survival horror game. But now I want more – I want to have a true purpose in the Silent Hill mythos. Purpose is all that matters!
Out of the darkness, another Pyramid Head appears, with a slightly different shaped helment.
PH2: It is purpose that drives us!
Another Pyramid Head, drawn in a cartoon style, pops up behind Heather.
PH3: Purpose that connects us!
Another Pyramid Head made of modelling clay appears.
PH4: Purpose that pulls us!
Another Pyramid Head, looking like a geeky teenager wearing a tinfoil helmet, comes out of the shadows.
PH5: Purpose that binds us.
All around her, different fan-based interpretations of Pyramid Head start to appear and swarm the yard.
PH: We are here because of you, Miss Mason, and what you tried to take from us…..
He thrusts his hand towards her.
PH: ….Purpose!
Heather looks down and sees that he is fondling of one her breasts.
HEATHER: What are you doing?
PH: I love you.
HEATHER: Piss off!
She pushes Pyramid Head away and then elbows the one behind her, before roundhousing another two and then scorpion-kicking a fifth. The hordes of Pyramid Heads rush in towards her, and she starts kicking and punching in all directions, throwing them against the walls of the yard. She picks up one of them and throws him into the crowd, causing a path to open up amongst them. She runs through it and then turns to face them.
HEATHER: Aha!!! Bring it on!!!
Suddenly she stops and realises that she has just used unarmed combat on a horde of creatures with thick metal helmets.
HEATHER: AAAAAARGHHHH!!!!! The pain!!!!!!
She collapses to the ground, clutching her broken arms and legs. The Pyramid Heads rush in and all pile on top of her. In the middle of the pile, the original Pyramid Head holds Heather down in a headlock and whispers into her ear.
PH: It is inevitable!!!
Suddenly an alarm, sounding like a miniature air-raid siren, goes off on Heather's wrist-watch.
PH: What's that?
Heather smiles.
HEATHER: It's my time of the month!
Suddenly the pile of explodes outwards, spraying Pyramid Heads in all directions. Heather grabs the original Pyramid Head, swings him round by the feet, and then throws him into the wall as she screams with raw feminine power.
HEATHER: Mother-fuckers!!!!!
She then turns and runs off down a narrow alley. The Pyramid Heads try to run after her, but their helmets get jammed against the side of the alleyway, and a big tail-back of Pyramid Heads is produced.
PH: Bollox!
_____________________________________________________________________________
The next day, Heather and Claudia walk down the street towards the Heaven's Night Club.
CLAUDIA: So what did Pyramid Head want?
HEATHER: I don't know. He just babbled some metaphysical bullshit and then started playing with my tits.
CLAUDIA: Men! They're all the same!
They arrive at the steps of the club, and there is a possessed doctor standing guard outside.
CLAUDIA: I'll handle this.
DOCTOR: Uuuuuurgh!!!
CLAUDIA: Eirrrrrgh!!!!
DOCTOR: Uuurgh?
CLAUDIA: Rowr rowr! Eiirghh!! Booger booger!!!
DOCTOR: Urrrgh!! Ugh! Errrgh!!!
The Doctor steps to one side.
CLAUDIA: Sweet-talker!
Heather and Claudia go up the steps and into Heaven's Night. Inside they find the place is full of demons, drinking blood, feasting on human flesh, screwing each other in horribly perverted ways. Demonic dogs run between the tables looking for scraps, and Flesh Lips dangle from the ceiling.
HEATHER: Have I mentioned before that this town is fucked up?
CLAUDIA: Ah, big deal. I've seen places like this in Texas.
They walk up to a large table in the corner of the club. Sitting there are Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman, and a Twin-Victim Monster (those 2 headed things from SH4).
TOM: Ah….Heathaiiir!!! And the great Cloudia!!!
HEATHER: Why are you speaking in a French accent?
TOM: Because I am de greatest actor in de werld!!!
HEATHER: ………rrrright….
To Tom's right, Nicole Kidman shakes her head in embarrassment,
TOM: Please, my frrriends…..'ave yourselves a seat. Dis is my wife, Nicole. At first she was stuck with me in a series of terrible films, but now she is stuck with me for all eternitee!
Heather and Claudia sit down. Claudia whispers to Heather.
CLAUDIA: He's a lot shorter than I thought.
HEATHER: Ssshh!
She leans forward towards Tom.
HEATHER: You know why we are here.
TOM: I know every-ting! I am Tom Cruise! But de question is, do YOU know why you are 'ere?
HEATHER: We want James.
TOM: Ah, but of course. But dis is not a reason, dis is not a "why". James is a means and not an end, and therefore you want him as a means to ….. what?
CLAUDIA: You know the answer to that question.
TOM: But do you? You think you do but you do not. You are 'ere because you were sent 'ere, you were told to come 'ere and you obeyed.
Heather whispers to Claudia.
HEATHER: What's he talking about?
Claudia points at the autocue above their heads.
HEATHER: Oh, right.
TOM: You see, zere is only one constant, one universal, it is de only real truth: causality. Action. Reaction. Cause and effect.
Claudia whispers to Heather.
CLAUDIA: What's he talking about?
HEATHER: Fuck knows!
TOM: Allow me to demonstrate….
A demonic waitress comes up and puts a slice of cake in front of them.
TOM: I have prepared a special dessert for you both. Please….'ave a taste.
Nicole Kidman sighs.
NICOLE: For fuck sake Tom! Not the orgasm cake again! Whenever anyone comes in here you give them an orgasm cake! What's wrong with you?!!
TOM: Damn it woman!! You ruined every-ting!
Heather and Claudia push the cakes away.
TOM: Ah, so be it! Since you will not eat the orgasm cakes, you will not see your beloved James. And so I will say adieu!
A bunch of demons grab Heather and Claudia and drag them away.
HEATHER: Hey!
They get dragged to the door of the club and thrown down the steps. They land at the bottom in a mangled heap.
CLAUDIA: Ugh!!
Heather gets up and shouts back.
HEATHER: Your club sucks anyway!!
A sniffer dog monster appears at the door and sticks it's tongue out at her.
HEATHER: Come on Claudia, let's get out of here!
As they are leaving, a door opens up in the alleyway and Nicole Kidman appears.
NICOLE: Follow me.
They follow Nicole into a small dark room at the back of the nightclub.
NICOLE: I'm so sick of his bullshit, pompous prick!
Heather and Claudia look at each other.
NICOLE: In the early days it was different. He starred in comedies, and stupid action movies, and we were happy. But then he tried to move into serious drama, and everything started going wrong. And now he wants to break into horror as well! I can't take it anymore!
She turns and walks up to them.
NICOLE: I will give you what you want. But first you have to do something for me.
HEATHER: What?
Nicole moves up to Heather.
NICOLE: A kiss.
HEATHER: Huh?
NICOLE: I want you to kiss me, as if you were kissing James.
HEATHER: Er…..why?
NICOLE: I want to know what it is like to kiss someone who is over five foot in height.
HEATHER: Yeah, but…..I'm a girl…..?
NICOLE: It's either you, the demons, or the sour-faced skank next to you.
CLAUDIA: Hey!
NICOLE: Kiss me, or you'll never see James again!
HEATHER: Oh, fine!
She kisses Nicole on the cheek.
NICOLE: Pfft! Terrible! Forget it.
She starts walking away. Claudia grabs Heather by the hair and pulls sharply.
HEATHER: Aaagh!!
CLAUDIA: Listen to me, bitch! I'm not gonna let the Silent Hill series go to shit just because you're afraid to get a little bi-curious! Now go after her, kiss her, slip her the tongue, and let's get James back!
HEATHER: Okay! Okay!!
Heather runs after Nicole and gives her big sloppy French kiss.
NICOLE: Mmmm….yes…..that was so good….
HEATHER: So now tell me….where is James?
NICOLE: James is being held at the shop.
HEATHER: Right!
Pause.
HEATHER: Which shop?
Nicole smiles and unbuttons her blouse.
NICOLE: Rub my nipple.
HEATHER: What?
NICOLE: Rub my nipple, or you'll never see James again.
HEATHER: Oh, for fuck's sake!
She rubs Nicole's nipple.
NICOLE: Ooh…..yeah……
HEATHER: So….?
NICOLE: James is in the shop on McKinsey Street.
HEATHER: Okay!
Pause.
HEATHER: How do I get to McKinsey Street?
Nicole smiles.
NICOLE: Turn around and bend over.
HEATHER: You have got to be kidding me……!
Two hours later, Nicole, Heather and Claudia are sitting in a hot tub and smoking cigarettes.
CLAUDIA: So, we take two lefts and then a right at the convenience store?
NICOLE: Yes……but the shop door can only be unlocked by entering the correct 5-digit code, which must……
Heather shoves her tits in Nicole's face.
NICOLE: (muffled) …..Five-seven-two-nine-four.
HEATHER: Right, let's get the fuck away from these perverts!
Heather and Claudia climb out of the hot tub.
Later on, Heather and Claudia enter the code on the shop door on McKinsey Street, and enter. The shop is empty, except for a single chair where James Sunderland sits, gagged and bound.
JAMES: Mrrrfff!!!
HEATHER: James!
She rushes in and unties James from the chair.
JAMES: Heather! What are you doing here? How did do you find me? And what are those carpet-burns on your elbows?
HEATHER: I'd rather not talk about it right now, James. Come on, get up.
CLAUDIA: We must hurry. Tom will soon find out that Nicole has betrayed him.
JAMES: Mary?
CLAUDIA: Excuse me?
JAMES: Is it really you?
Heather slaps James around the face.
HEATHER: And you can cut that shit out for a start!
Suddenly the door bursts open and Tom Cruise enters with a small force of demons and the Twin Monster.
TOM: Nom de Dieu de putain de bordel de saloperie de couille de merde!
JAMES: Tom Cruise is French?
HEATHER: Not now dear.
CLAUDIA: Get back, Cruise! We're leaving, and we're taking James with us!
TOM: Oh, but I tink me and my armie of demons shall 'ave some-ting to say about dat!
The demons start to move towards them.
HEATHER: Quick James, do your scream!
JAMES: My what?
HEATHER: That scream you do sometimes. It'll freak em out!
JAMES: Sorry, I only do that when I'm holding a chainsaw.
HEATHER: Goddam it James! For once in your life think outside the box!
JAMES: Oh, okay!
James picks up his chair and holds it above his head whilst screaming insanely. The monsters recoil and look very confused.
MONSTER 1: What's he doing?
MONSTER 2: I'm scared…….and a little disturbed.
MONSTER 3: I didn't sign up for this!
TOM: You fools!!
HEATHER: Quick – the back door! Let's go.
Heather, Claudia and James run out of the back door of the shop and into the parking lot.
HEATHER: Into the car! Go go go!!
The monsters start swarming into the parking lot as they get into one of the cars. Claudia gets in the back and Heather gets in the passenger seat. James gets in and turns the key in the ignition, but nothing happens.
JAMES: Ah crap! What were we thinking! None of the cars in Silent Hill work!!!
The car becomes surrounded by demons.
HEATHER: Turn it the other way!
JAMES: What?
HEATHER: Turn the key the other way!
James turns the key the other way and the car roars into life.
JAMES: How did you know….?
HEATHER: Go!!! Drive!!!
James steps on the pedal and the car shoots out of the parking lot, ploughing through the wall of demons. It spins out onto the road and then heads off towards the lake.
HEATHER: Head for the hill! We'll be safe in the city!
The car hurtles across a junction, and as it passes another car pulls out behind it, driven by the Twin Monster.
CLAUDIA: Tom Cruise's influence is spreading! The power of Hollywood is a force far greater than anything in Silent Hill. First we had the kung fu, then the girl-on-girl action, and now we have the action-packed car chase!
Claudia draws a submachine gun from her robes, smashes out the back window, and opens fire on the chasing car.
JAMES: Girl on girl action?
HEATHER: Shut up James!
The twin monster starts to return fire with one hand as it drives with the other. Bullets pepper the inside of the car.
JAMES: Who taught them how to use guns?!
HEATHER: They're upgrades for Silent Hill 5!
Heather pulls out a pistol, leans out of the passenger window, and joins in the firefight. Suddenly there is a loud thump on the roof of the car.
CLAUDIA: Oh shit, there's something on the roof!!
HEATHER: I'll handle it!
Heather puts away her pistol and climbs out of the passenger window and up onto the roof.
JAMES: What the fuck?!! Is she crazy?!!
CLAUDIA: She's the Mother of God. I'll explain later!
JAMES: I screwed God's mother? Man, he's gonna be pissed!
Up on the roof of the car, Heather comes face to face with Tom Cruise.
TOM: No one beats me when it comes to an action packed car-chase! Prepare to die!
HEATHER: Is this a bad time to mention that I screwed your wife?
James shouts up from the driver's seat
JAMES: And I would too if I had the chance!!!
TOM: NOOOO!!!!!!!!!
He swings for Heather, but she blocks and counter-attacks. Tom blocks and counter-attacks the counter-attack, but he gets countered and has to counter. But while he is countering the countered counter-attack, Heather counter-attacks his counter and grabs his wrist. He turns his hand over and grabs her wrist, but she reverses and grabs his wrist again. He turns it over into an arm lock, but she reverses it and puts him in an arm-lock.
CLAUDIA: For fuck sake! Will you just shoot him!!!
Meanwhile the lake begins to draw into view at the end of the road. James' eyes suddenly glaze over and he lets go of the steering wheel.
CLAUDIA: What the hell? What are you doing James?!!!
James starts talking to himself.
JAMES: Mary! I can't go on without you. At least this way we can be together…….forever.
He starts accelerating towards the lake.
CLAUDIA: James! I swear to God, I will get medieval on you ass!!
JAMES: I wanted to end your suffering……but part of me hated you…….Mary!……
The car smashes through the barriers next to the Historical Society and starts heading down towards the lake. The impact knocks Heather flat on the roof, and the pistol falls out of her jacket.
TOM: Ha ha! Now I have you, little girl!!!
Back inside the car, Claudia crawls into the passenger seat next to James.
CLAUDIA: Okay, shit-for-brains, listen up! Your wife's dead! You killed her because she was pissing you off. But big fucking deal! I'm trying to give birth to God herself and save all of humanity from its sin and depravity. And in the process I've had to kill and torture thousands of people, and I'm going to Hell just so everyone else can go to Heaven. So trust me, you little fucker, your problems are completely insignificant!!!
She punches James in the face and he snaps out of it.
JAMES: What? Where am I? What the hell?
Up on the roof, Heather gets up into a crouching position as Tom charges towards her.
HEATHER: James! Turn the wheel!!! NOW!!!!!!!
James grabs the steering wheel again and wrenches it to the left. At the same time, Heather jumps into the air, just as the force of the braking sends Tom catapulting forward.
TOM: Aaaaaargh!!!!!
Tom flies forward and lands on the bank of the lake. Meanwhile Heather somersaults through the air and lands feet-first through the windscreen of the chasing car. She breaks the necks of the Twin Monsters with her feet, and then dives clear. The Twin Monster's car skids down the bank of the lake, smashes into Tom Cruise, and plunges with him into the deep water.
Heather lands gracefully on the ground, and James brings the car to a halt beside her. Inside, Claudia throws her gun to one side and sits back in her chair, heaving with exhaustion.
CLAUDIA: Woah! FMV rocks!
_____________________________________________________________________________
Later that night, Claudia, Heather and James are sitting in a bar in New Jerusalem, drinking big frothy milkshakes and eating burritos. The song "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is blaring through the speakers, and the waitresses, dressed as fluffy badgers, are rushing around the bar on rollerskates. Claudia and Heather are listening to James.
JAMES: There is a building. Inside this building there is a level where no elevator can go, unless you first go to all the other floors and wiggle the door-handles. This level is filled with doors. These doors lead to many places, but most of them are jammed. But one door is special. One door leads to the Source.
HEATHER: The Source?
JAMES: Yes, to the Source.
CLAUDIA: The Source?
JAMES: Yes, the Source.
A badger waitress comes up to the table with a bottle of ketchup.
WAITRESS: Sauce?
JAMES: Yes, sauce.
He puts some ketchup on his burrito. He then offers it to Heather.
JAMES: Sauce?
Heather grabs the bottle of ketchup and throws it across the bar.
HEATHER: What Source?
JAMES: Oh yeah, well I overheard Tom Cruise refer to someone called the Architect. He said that this was the guy who had overall control of the direction of the Silent Hill series, and so any ideas for Silent Hill would have to go through him.
CLAUDIA: My God! So the entire success of Silent Hill 5 will depend on this one man – this Architect?
JAMES: That's right.
HEATHER: I have to speak with him. This thing won't end now that Tom Cruise is dead. There will be others: Drew Barrymore, Adam Sandler, the Rock. They'll all try to get their hands on Silent Hill and destroy its fragile beauty!
JAMES: You're right. We have to meet with his this Architect at once.
James and Heather get up to leave, but Claudia remains seated.
HEATHER: Claudia, are you coming?
Pause.
CLAUDIA: Aren't you forgetting something?
Pause.
JAMES: What?
CLAUDIA: I haven't made my big prophetic and inspiring speech yet.
Pause.
HEATHER: Claudia, we don't have time!
CLAUDIA: Either I get to make my inspiring speech, or I'm not helping you! Now sit your asses back down!!!
James and Heather sigh and sit back down.
HEATHER: Jeez! She's been a really pain in the ass in this sequel!
JAMES: Yeah, I think she's trying for an Oscar or something.
Claudia clears her throat and then begins.
CLAUDIA: All of our lives we have fought this war…….
JAMES: (mumbles) No I haven't.
CLAUDIA: Tonight I believe we can end it. Tonight is not an accident. There are no accidents. We have not come here by chance. I do not believe in chance. When I see one objective and three protagonists, I do not see coincidence, I see providence, I see purpose. I believe it is our fate to be here. It is our destiny. I believe this night holds for each and every one of us the very meaning of our lives.
There is a long silence.
JAMES: Is she always like this before she goes out?
HEATHER: Yeah, pretty much.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Later that night, Stanley Coleman lies on the floor of the hospital with a broken nose. James stands over him.
JAMES: That'll teach you to fondle my dick, you freak!!!
He reaches down and takes the big bundle of keys out of Stanley's pocket. He gives them to Claudia.
HEATHER: Okay good, we've got the keys. Now let's find the key for the Architect's building.
Claudia sorts through the keys and finds the right one. He unlocks the door at the end of the hallway, and she, Heather and James step through into a corridor.
HEATHER: Right, this corridor should take us all the way to him.
They turn a corner and come face to face with Pyramid Head.
PH: I'm sorry…….this is a dead end!
They all gasp.
JAMES: You! You're alive?
PH: Surprised to see me, Mr Sunderland? I bet not half as surprised as you were to see Heather and Claudia alive?
CLAUDIA: What's he talking about?
PH: It was you who sent Kaufmann to kill them, wasn't it? And now you plan to betray them once they help you find the Architect.
HEATHER: It was you who sent Kaufmann?
JAMES: Look, could we perhaps have the revelation scene somewhere else – perhaps in a circular room.
PH: Nice try, Mr Sunderland! But you cannot run around me in circles here! Now you shall face me as it should have been!!!
CLAUDIA: Why James? Why did you do this….?
JAMES: Well….I….
PH: Isn't it obvious? He wanted to save Silent Hill 5, not only from the corruption of Hollywood, but also from the interference of the Mother of God plotline. And the only way to ensure that the Cult was truly removed from the story was to kill you and Alessa.
HEATHER: My God, James……you used us to kill Tom Cruise, and then you used us to get you Stanley Coleman's keys, and now you are using us to get to the Architect. You bastard!! And to think I loved you once…..
PH: Now you see Heather, your fancy-man is nothing more than a manipulator and a user of women. He used you, he used my wife, and he used my girlfriend.
HEATHER: Your girlfriend?
PH: Yes…..Cybil.
JAMES: Ah dream on, metal-head! She was way out of your league!
PH: It matters not. Let her suffering be upon your head!!!
Suddenly a metal frame appears between them. Cybil is tied upside down to it.
CYBIL: James!!!
PH: You never loved me, you whore!
Pyramid Head skewers Cybil with his spear.
CYBIL: Uuuuurgh!!!!
JAMES: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
CLAUDIA: This plot has got really fucked up.
JAMES: Goddam it Harry, stop killing my bitches!
PH: Mwha ha ha ha!! And now, Mr Sunderland, you shall join Cybil, Maria and Mary, and go with them into hell. And Silent Hill 5 will have neither the Mother of God plot nor the SH2 style. Silent 5 will be all about me …… PYRAMID HEAD!!!!
JAMES: Never!!!! Silent Hill 2 was the best game in the world!!!! RAAAAAGH!!!!!
James charges towards Pyramid Head and tackles him to the ground. The two of them start kicking the shit out of each other.
HEATHER: ………….Yeah…..anyway, shall we go see the Architect?
CLAUDIA: Yeah, these two have way too many issues.
They leave James and Pyramid Head fighting and use the keys to unlock the door at the end of the corridor. They go through and become immersed in white light.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Heather and Claudia appear in a room full of television screens. In front of them, in a huge black chair, sits a figure dressed in white. His face is covered by a mask.
ARCHITECT: Hello Heather.
HEATHER: Who are you?
ARCHITECT: I am the Architect. I created Silent Hill. I've been waiting for you. You have many questions, and though the process has altered your consciousness, you remain irrevocably human. Ergo some of my answers you will understand, and some of them you will not. Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also the most irrelevant.
Pause.
HEATHER: Do you have a bathroom I can use? That milkshake went straight through me!
The Architect sighs.
ARCHITECT: First door on the right.
HEATHER: Cheers.
She runs off to the bathroom, leaving Claudia with the Architect.
CLAUDIA: We're here about Silent Hill 5.
ARCHITECT: Naturally. Many have come before you, and many will come after you. And they shall all ask the eternal question that you will ask me. For it is a question that rests at the heart of the universe and governs all our actions…..
Pause.
……."How do you make the perfect video game?"
Heather calls through from the bathroom.
HEATHER: (from the bathroom) You're out of toilet roll – just thought you should know!
CLAUDIA: Do you know the answer to that question?
HEATHER: (from the bathroom) Ooh, and there's something really nasty stuck to the edge of the bowl!
ARCHITECT: I know the answer to all questions.
HEATHER: (from the bathroom) Do you have any honey and lemon scented soap? It's just that I have this allergy to lavender……
CLAUDIA: Then tell me, how can we save Silent Hill 5! How can we make it the perfect game, a game for all the fans, a game for all the world???
ARCHITECT: The Silent Hill series is the seventh of its kind. Throughout time all of its predecessors have been eventually destroyed. The Alien series, the Ring series, the Exorcist series, Halloween, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street. All of these series have faded over time, torn apart by capitalism and the apathy of the audience. Silent Hill is doomed to meet the same fate.
There is the sound of a toilet flushing and Heather comes back in.
HEATHER: Might wanna give it a few…..
CLAUDIA: Is there nothing that we can do?
ARCHITECT: I was responsible for the creation of all those series, just I have responsible for influencing every horror movie, story and game that has ever been made. But there is a recurring anomaly to which there is no remedy. You see, the problem is choice.
HEATHER: Choice?
The Architect waves a hand and the computer screens on the walls start to display images of books, films, artwork, internet chat rooms, people in conversation.
ARCHITECT: Millions of fans, millions of readers and cinema-goers. All wanting something different, all debating over what makes good horror and bad horror, all arguing over what should and should not be included in the perfect video game. In short….there is chaos. And in this chaos, those who design video games cannot make sense of what the audience wants, and so in desperation they resort to cheap money-making tactics in order to please the crowds. And thus the spirit of the game is lost.
HEATHER: So Silent Hill 5 is doomed? It's all downhill from here?
ARCHITECT: Perhaps. Which brings us at last to the moment of truth, wherein the fundamental flaw is ultimately expressed, and the anomaly revealed as both beginning and end.
Pause.
There are two doors. The door to your right leads back to New Jerusalem, where you and the cult can continue with the Mother of God plotline and hope that as the Silent Hill series collapses into second-rate piffle that at least Hollywood and Team Silent will make some money out of it.
Pause.
The door to your left leads back to the world beyond Silent Hill, where the fans and the critics are waiting. If you organise them, take control of their forums and their debates, get them all to agree on a clear and absolute picture of what Silent Hill 5 should be like, then perhaps the game developers will finally see an order amongst the chaos. Perhaps only then, when you have plunged the public into the grip of artistic tyranny, will the perfect video game be made.
Pause. Claudia and Heather look at each other.
CLAUDIA: He's right Alessa – we can't save the Silent Hill series. People are already making stupid spoofs of it – it's the beginning of the end. We'll just have to make the most of it while it's here.
Claudia takes a step towards the right-hand door. But Heather does not follow.
HEATHER: I'm sorry you think that way Claudia. I'm sorry that you think the Mother of God is the only thing that Silent Hill can be about. But I don't believe that, and I'm not willing to give up yet. Silent Hill 5 can be saved! We can defy Hollywood, and stop twats like Tom Cruise and the Rock from interfering in things that are beyond their intellectual capacity. I have to try to organise the fans….to tell the game developers what we truly want!
CLAUDIA: Even if it means suppressing the diversity of opinion and interpretations? Even if means an end to the artistic liberty of those very people??
Pause.
HEATHER: I have to try…..
She takes a step towards the left-hand door.
ARCHITECT: Hope. It is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength and your greatest weakness.
HEATHER: Who are you anyway?
The Architect reaches up and removes the mask. Heather smiles as she sees the face behind it.
H.P. LOVECRAFT: I wish you luck, Heather. I hope that you will defend my legacy well.
HEATHER: Goodbye, Mr Lovecraft. Goodbye Claudia.
Heather steps through the left-hand door and is bathed in light.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Meanwhile, back in the corridor, Pyramid Head throws James to the ground.
JAMES: Ooof!!
PH: Now it is time for you to die, Mr Sunderland!
Suddenly a dark figure appears behind Pyramid Head.
JAMES: Aha! You're fucked now!!
Pyramid Head turns to see Kaufmann standing behind him with a revolver.
PH: You!
JAMES: Kaufmann, my minion, shoot this duck-billed mother-fucker right now!
Kaufmann does not move.
JAMES: Kaufmann, did you hear me?!! I said shoot him!!!
Kaufmann still does not move. He lowers the revolver and then reaches a hand towards his face. James and Pyramid Head gasp as Kaufmann pulls the skin off his head to reveal the face of …….. Valtiel.
PH: What the fuck!?
VALTIEL: Yes, it is I…..Valtiel!!!!
JAMES: But…..but……you were Kaufmann all along? Why were you helping me? And what's your connection with the cult? And how did you find us? And why are you doing this???
Pause. Valtiel shrugs.
VALTIEL: Drugs.
He shoots James in the head.
JAMES: Uuurggh!!!
He then throws away the revolver and moves towards Pyramid Head.
PH: So what now? Are you going to kill me too, in order to defend the Mother of God plot?
VALTIEL: I believe a compromise can be made.
He thrusts his hand towards Pyramid Head.
PH: Huh?
Pyramid Head looks down and sees that Valtiel is fondling his chest.
PH: What are you doing?
VALTIEL: I love you.
Pause.
PH: ……..Really?
VALTIEL: It's so hard turning those valves all by myself. I could use a hand.
He runs his fingers over Pyramid Head's chest and they look at each other in silence. Gradually, their heads begin to move together, and finally they kiss.
Suddenly, Heather leaps out the shadows with a camera and snaps a picture of them.
PH: Aaah!!
VALTIEL: What the hell?
Heather removes the picture from the camera and waves it at them.
HEATHER: Right! If I see either of you fuckers again then I'm sending this photo straight to Heat Magazine. Got it?!!
She turns and walks off, leaving Pyramid Head and Valtiel embracing each other.
PH: Shit! She's got us by the balls there!
VALTIEL: Guess we're not gonna be in Silent Hill 5 then!
PH: But what else is there for us?
Out of the shadows, Nicole Kidman appears and puts an arm around each of them.
NICOLE: Don't worry boys, there's plenty of agents I can introduce you to. But first…….there's something you have to do for me……
Nicole Kidman, Valtiel and Pyramid Head walk of together down the corridor.
CLAUDIA: ……….and that's how me and Heather survived getting shot by Kaufmann on the roof.
CULT MEMBER 1: Wow! That story was amazing!
CULT MEMBER 2: I can totally see how you survived!
CULT MEMBER 3: Er….I have a question.
CLAUDIA: What?
CULT MEMBER 3: How come you two survived but Douglas didn't?
Pause
CLAUDIA: Come again?
CULT MEMBER 3: Douglas. The guy who was with you on the roof. He got shot in exactly the same way.
Pause.
CLAUDIA: Doesn't ring a bell.
CULT MEMBER 3: He was the detective who found Heather. His name is Douglas.
Pause.
CLAUDIA: Oh yeah, that guy. Well, did you really think he was gonna make it to the sequel?
Pause.
CULT MEMBER 3: …….. yeah, I guess you're right.
Near the back of the congregation, Heather stands and listens in silence. Suddenly, she turns her head, as if sensing something in the distance. She frowns and moves away from the congregation. Drawn by the mysterious feeling, she heads down the stairs to where two other cult members stand guard at the Church doors.
CULT MEMBER 4: Oh, Heather…..I mean, your Holy Motherliness…..we were just about to come and find you.
CULT MEMBER 5: Some guy was here a few minutes ago, asking to see you.
HEATHER: Really?
CULT MEMBER 4: Yeah, we told him to go fuck himself, but before he left he gave us this.
He hands Heather a small white envelope.
CULT MEMBER 5: He said that "you had set him free".
Heather opens the envelope and a small silver medallion falls out. Her eyes widen as she recognises the necklace that her father had given her. She opens it up and sees that half of the crystallised aglophotis is missing.
HEATHER: What? It can't be………he's dead.
CULT MEMBER 4: What should we do?
HEATHER: Tell the others to get out of here. Demons are coming.
CULT MEMBER 5: How does she know that?
CULT MEMBER 4: Cos she's the mother of God you twat! Now do what she says!
The cult members start running up the stairs to warn the rest of the congregation. As they escape there is loud and heavy pounding on the church doors. Eventually they buckle and cave inwards, revealing 3 Ghosts.
HEATHER: Hiya fellas.
GHOST 1: That's her…..
GHOST 2: The anomaly…..
GHOST 3: How should we proceed?
GHOST 1: We shall make a futile attempt to kill her…..
The Ghost lashes out towards Heather. She blocks his fist and then blocks it again and then grabs him by the wrist. The Ghost opens up his hand and lightning bolts shoot out of his fingertips, burning Heather's arm.
HEATHER: Hmm…upgrades. This must be Silent Hill 5.
The Ghosts drift towards her and she back-flips into the air, spinning slowly and gracefully like a vial of aglophotis. As she spins she takes out a health drink and swallows it in mid-air.
GHOST 1: She has health drinks…..
GHOST 2: We are doomed…..
GHOST 3: Don't worry, she hasn't picked up a plank of wood yet…..
Heather lands and roundhouses all three of them to the floor.
GHOST 1: She kicked us……
GHOST 2: We lost a portion of our health…..
GHOST 3: Let's get up before she stamps on us…..
HEATHER: Will you guys shut the hell up!
She grabs one by the arm and judo throws them into the wall. Then she uppercuts the second, before sweeping the legs of the third.
GHOST 1: I will be on the ground for exactly 3 seconds……
GHOST 2: Drive a sword through us in order to keep us pinned to ground……
HEATHER: I know! Why the hell are you telling me…..
GHOST 3: The longer you hold down the R2 button, the more powerful your attack will be…….
Pause.
HEATHER: Ah, shit! I knew it! I'm in the fucking tutorial!
GHOST 1: The radio will sound to alert you of nearby monsters……..
HEATHER: Ah, shut the fuck up!!!
Heather enters a cheat code to get a submachine gun.
GHOST 1: She has a submachine gun……
GHOST 2: It is easy to use and moderately powerful…….
GHOST 3: But remember to keep an eye on your ammunition…….
HEATHER: DIE!!!!!
Heather blows the crap out of the ghosts.
Outside the church, as the sound of gunfire dies down, two dark figures walk towards each other.
DARK FIGURE 1: Well, that went as expected. Everything is happening as it did before.
DARK FIGURE 2: Well, not exactly like before.
DARK FIGURE 1: Mwha ha ha ha ha ha!
DARK FIGURE 2: Mwha ha ha ha ha ha!
Pause.
DARK FIGURE 1: How do you get that high-quality shine on your helmet?
DARK FIGURE 2: Well any high-street brand polish will do, but the secret is all in the elbow action. You've just gotta work it.
DARK FIGURE 1: Thanks, I'll try that.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Later on, Heather, Claudia and the rest of the congregation are marching through the woods.
CLAUDIA: So how did they know where to find us?
HEATHER: I don't know. But this medallion that the Dark Figure left for me – it has to mean something. He said that I had….freed him.
CLAUDIA: Ah well, let's not worry about it now. We're almost there.
HEATHER: Where are we going?
CLAUDIA: To the hill.
HEATHER: There's a hill in Silent Hill.
Claudia and the congregation all stop and frown at Heather.
HEATHER: ……I mean……it's just……its never featured in any of the games…….
CLAUDIA: What, you think the ancient natives just decided to call it Silent Hill for no reason?
HEATHER: Well no…but….
CLAUDIA: You think a couple of Indians came across this place one day and said "Ooh, look, a nice flat landscape surrounding a big lake. What shall we call it? Silent Lake? Nah, that's not catchy enough."!
HEATHER: No……it's just……
CLAUDIA: Jeez! To think that after all this time the Mother of God turns out to be a dizzy blonde with less mental faculties that Henry Townshend!
HEATHER: Okay!!! I'm sorry!! Forget I said anything!!
They carry on walking and begin to ascend a gigantic hill.
HEATHER: Hey, I can see my old school from here.
CLAUDIA: Shut up!
They reach the top of the hill, and in the ground there is an entrance to an old air-raid shelter.
HEATHER: Cool.
CLAUDIA: Welcome to New Jerusalem, the last cult city!
HEATHER: Wow! This is your famous city? This place must be tighter than Fort Knox!
Claudia bends down over the air raid shelter entrance.
CLAUDIA: Goddam it! I told you people to clean the keypad once a month!
CULT MEMBER 1: Sorry boss, we forgot.
Claudia presses the slightly more worn-away buttons on the keypad, and the entrance opens up.
CLAUDIA: Come, there is much to do.
They climb down the ladder and into the depths of the hilltop. The air-raid shelter opens out into a huge underground city shrouded in mysterious darkness.
HEATHER: Woah! This place is spooky.
Claudia gets to the bottom of the ladder and starts fishing through her pockets.
CLAUDIA: Shit! Anyone got a quarter? Oh it's okay, I found one…..
She puts a quarter in the meter and suddenly the entire city lights up in cheerful colours. Through giant loudspeakers, "What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong starts playing, and everywhere there are flowers and pretty houses. Children come out of their homes and start playing in the streets, and kittens and bunny rabbits frolic amongst the sparkling waterfalls.
Pause.
HEATHER: Hmm……
CLAUDIA: What? What now?! A sarcastic comment? A sassy remark? Come on, out with it!!'
HEATHER: No…….nothing……it's fine.
Pause.
HEATHER: But it does explain how you lot put up with Silent Hill.
CLAUDIA: What, you think we actually like it out there?
HEATHER: Well, that's what I…..
CLAUDIA: Do we think we're all nuts or something?
Pause.
HEATHER: Erm……well…..
CLAUDIA: Oh never mind! I have work to do!
Claudia walks off and stands on a podium overlooking the city. She picks up a microphone and begins to address her citizens as they come out of their pretty and colourful houses.
CLAUDIA: People of New Jerusalem, hear me! I come before you today, not as your wise and slightly unhinged leader, but as a sister in this great cult that we have built with blood, sweat, and sizeable donations from the Republican Party! Our church on the surface has been compromised, and very soon a whole army of demons will be tunnelling towards us…….unless they figure out the keypad riddle, which I highly doubt! Very soon we shall be fighting for our very right to exist. But I tell you this today, people of New Jerusalem – I am not afraid. And why am I not afraid? Because I believe something that you do not? No! Because I remember: I remember that for twenty years we have held out against the demons and the sinners who would thwart our plots. I remember that for twenty years we have refused to apply any modicum of logic or common sense to our religious beliefs. And, after twenty years of our enemies trying to destroy us, I remember that which matters most: WE ARE STILL HERE!!!!!
CULT MEMBERS: HOORAY!!!! CLAUDIA ROCKS!!!!!!
HEATHER: Wow, that was a stirring speech. Have the Silent Hill team finally got a decent director?
CULT MEMBER 1: Yeah, they brought in Ridley Scott.
HEATHER: Wow. How did they get him on board?
CULT MEMBER: Well they promised him they would hire an assassin to take out the entire cast and crew of Alien Resurrection.
HEATHER: Ah, I see.
CLAUDIA: And now, citizens of Jerusalem, I give to you our greatest weapon, our shining light, our hope amidst despair, our holiest of holies, our redemption and salvation…………ALESSA!!!!!!
CULT MEMBERS: YEAHH!!!!!!
HEATHER: Huh?
The cult members grab Heather and bundle her up onto the podium.
HEATHER: Woah! Hold on….wait!!!
Claudia puts the microphone in her hand.
CLAUDIA: Top that, bitch!
Claudia runs off, leaving Heather standing on the podium with the entire cult staring up at her.
HEATHER: …………erm…………hi!
The cult looks at her in silence. There is a random shout from the crowd.
RANDOM CULT MEMBER: I love you Alessa!
HEATHER: ………..eh, right……well…….hi, I'm Heather……sometimes known as Alessa…….or Cheryl……….or Mistress Gladhand……
Heather coughs and the microphone squeaks.
HEATHER: …..er, yeah, anyway………..so, um……yeah….Mother of God and all that. Let's…..er….kill those sinners, yeah? Can I get an amen …..?
The cult looks at her in silence.
HEATHER: …….right………..um………say, here's one…..a Mumbler, a possessed nurse, and James Sunderland walk into a bar………..and the barman says…….
Suddenly Heather is interrupted as a Cult Member rushes up onto the podium.
CULT MEMBER: Alessa, your holiness, there is an urgent letter for you!!!
HEATHER: Oh….really?
CULT MEMBER: Yes, it's from the Oracle. I'll read it to you.
HEATHER: Leonard? Ah….wait!
The cult member unfolds the note and starts reading. His voice is picked up by the microphone and amplified through the entire city.
CULT MEMBER: (reads) "Heather, you silly bitch, I hope this letter finds you dead, but if not, then I hope that you will suffer an agonising death as soon as possible."
Heather smiles uneasily at the crowd and starts trying to turn off the microphone.
CULT MEMBER: (reads) "I still haven't forgiven you for what you did! It was bad enough insulting the cult's religious beliefs and saying that we were all a load of deluded bullshitters. But actually setting fire to my Bible was taking it too far!'
Heather struggles with the microphone, but is unable to turn it off.
CULT MEMBER: (reads) "I have always been a very tolerant man, but the things you said to me that day were frankly outrageous. You compared our cult to the Smurfs on a bad day, and said that anyone who believes in God is clearly someone who hasn't been laid for a long time."
Heather starts banging the microphone on the pulpit, trying to break it.
HEATHER: Shut up dude!
CULT MEMBER: (reads) "And what's worse, on the way out you assaulted Madonna in the waiting room and stole her shoes. This kind of behaviour is completely out of order."
Heather shoves the microphone under her armpit.
CULT MEMBER: (reads) "Anyway, enough of that. Despite your sacrilegious contempt for all forms of organised religion, you are still the Mother of God, and I am still the Oracle. There has been a new development, and it is important that I speak to you as soon as possible. You know where to meet me."
He puts the note away and the cult stare at Heather in silence. She laughs nervously.
HEATHER: …..er, right, thanks………I'll be heading off then……..peace out!
She runs off the podium. Claudia and her advisors are waiting for her.
CLAUDIA: This is very serious, Alessa. A lot of good men died getting this letter to you.
HEATHER: Don't you people have phones?
CLAUDIA: No, we communicate by bloodied notes and magical symbols. It is the only way to guarantee secrecy.
HEATHER: Yeah, I'm sure there's a couple of demons in a van somewhere wearing headphones and eavesdropping on the telephone calls!
CLAUDIA: Yes, there's one on the viewing platform overlooking Silent Hill. Haven't you seen it?
HEATHER: Oh whatever. I'm off to see the Oracle.
CLAUDIA: Be careful, Alessa. There is something strange going on here….I am sure of it.
HEATHER: Jeez! Nothing get's past you, does it Claudia?
_____________________________________________________________________________
Later that day, Heather approaches the doors of Brookhaven Hospital once again.
HEATHER: Right………this time I'm ready………
She moves toward the door and reaches out to it. Just before she goes in she spins round and punches Angela in the face. She then kicks Eddie in the balls and left-hooks Daphne. She then gets the Level 60 Druid in a headlock and starts punching him.
HEATHER: This hospital is not important! Fuck off all of you!!!
She breaks the Druid's neck and throws him to the ground. She then enters the hospital with no further hindrance.
HEATHER: Madonna!!! I brought your shoes ba……
Heather stops when she realises that the waiting room is no longer there. There is only a dark hallway with a man standing at the end of it.
HEATHER: Who are you?
STANLEY: I am Stanley Coleman, the gatekeeper.
Heather walks up to him.
HEATHER: Oh right, so you're here to take me to the Oracle?
STANLEY: Yes….but first…..
His hands shoots forward towards her.
HEATHER: Huh?
She looks down and sees that he is fondling one of her breasts.
HEATHER: What are you doing?
STANLEY: I love you.
HEATHER: Piss off!
She pushes him away.
STANLEY: Sorry. Okay then, let's go.
He leads her to a door at the end of the hallway and opens it using a shiny set of keys. They enter into a long corridor.
HEATHER: Wow! What is this place?
STANLEY: These are the doors that won't open in all of the Silent Hill games.
HEATHER: There's thousands of them!
STANLEY: Yes. These are all the doors that appear to have jammed locks.
HEATHER: What do you mean "appear" to have jammed locks?
STANLEY: The doors can be opened. But you need to turn the handles clockwise rather than anticlockwise.
HEATHER: Oh bugger!
STANLEY: We are here.
They come to a halt by one of the doors.
HEATHER: So what, you're the guy who goes around reversing all the door handling in Silent Hill.
STANLEY: No…..I protect that which matters most…..
He opens the door by turning the handle clockwise, and beyond it there is a large yard with a park bench in the middle, where a strange creature sits. Heather enters and approaches the park bench.
HEATHER: Leonard?
LEONARD: Hello again, Heather. Please, sit down.
She sits down next to him.
HEATHER: You wanted to see me?
LEONARD: Yes, something very important has come up.
HEATHER: They're building a Starbucks?
Pause.
LEONARD: No.
HEATHER: Oh.
LEONARD: It is about the sequel. It is in terrible danger……
HEATHER: Silent Hill 5? But I thought it was safe!
LEONARD: No…….it is no longer safe at all…..
HEATHER: What do you mean?
LEONARD: You have been troubled lately, haven't you Heather? Every night, you have been having the same dream….
HEATHER: How did you know that?
Pause.
HEATHER: Oh yeah, right – Oracle. Got it.
LEONARD: Tell me about your dream, Heather.
HEATHER: Well, it's about James Sunderland.
LEONARD: You're one-time lover who also screwed Harry's wife and then….
HEATHER: Well let's not get into all that again. Yeah, the dream's about James getting kidnapped by………by…...
LEONARD: By who, Heather?
HEATHER: By….Tom Cruise.
LEONARD: As I thought.
Pause,
HEATHER: So what does the dream mean? Does it symbolise my subconscious resentment of sociological values and their sexual repression of middle-class America?
Pause.
LEONARD: No. I'm afraid that James has been kidnapped by Tom Cruise.
Pause.
HEATHER: …..shit! That…….sucks!
LEONARD: Yes.
HEATHER: But why is Tom doing this?
LEONARD: Do you remember a few months ago they made a film of Silent Hill.
HEATHER: Oh yeah, the movie that got condemned by the critics because it didn't have a wise-cracking token black guy in it saying "Hot damn! Dat Pyramid Head is a crazy-ass bitch!" every five seconds.
LEONARD: Yes. The film was flawed from the outset.
HEATHER: What's that gotta do with Tom Cruise?
LEONARD: He originally tried to buy the rights to the movie, but failed. As a result he was driven insane, and he vowed to take his revenge by becoming the director of Silent Hill 5.
HEATHER: The bastard!
LEONARD: Yes. He came to Team Silent with the idea of continuing the Cult Plot by inventing a wise-cracking black half-sister of Alessa who would go to Silent Hill and give birth to a God who would save humanity through the power of hip-hop.
HEATHER: I think I'm gonna be sick!
LEONARD: But Akira Yamaoka chased Tom Cruise away by hitting him with his guitar, and he was never seen again. Until last night, when a man broke into a house in Portland and abducted James from his bed.
HEATHER: It was Tom?
LEONARD: Yes. The midget and the transsexual who were sharing the bed with James gave a very accurate description.
HEATHER: Oh, my God! Why James?
LEONARD: James Sunderland was due to join Team Silent and give them input on creating a storyline with all the psychological subtleties and moral fables of Silent Hill 2. He was to be the guiding influence on creating the best Silent Hill game yet. But all those hopes died when he was taken from us.
HEATHER: I have to save him.
LEONARD: Tom Cruise has set himself up in a place called Heaven's Night, a club just down the road. He is holding James there.
HEATHER: I'm gonna kick his ass!
LEONARD: Be careful Heather. Tom has great power here in Silent Hill. He will be a force to be reckoned with.
HEATHER: Got it.
Stanley Coleman comes up and touches Leonard on the shoulder.
LEONARD: Ah. And now it is time for me to leave. Good luck Heather. Let us hope that you truly are the one who will lead us into Paradise.
HEATHER: Yeah, cheers Lenny.
Leonard and Stanley go out through the door and close it behind them. Heather gets up to leave, but stops suddenly when she hears a sound. She turns to see a dark figure emerging from the shadows.
HEATHER: Who's there?
DARK FIGURE: Hello again, Miss Mason…..
From the darkness before her, Pyramid Head appears.
PH: It is so good to see you again?
HEATHER: Dad? You survived?
PH: Your father is no longer here. But yes…..I survived.
HEATHER: But I killed you!
PH: Yes, you killed me. You cast me from the roof, and I fell, down into the hotel carpark. My body was broken and my spirit shattered. But it was not the end. Death was upon me, but then from the darkness there came voices, and I found myself in the grip of a terrible power. I heard the cries of my fans, far and wide, at home, in bars and clubs and Internet chat forums. They refused to let me die, for I had given them so much and now they would repay me. Fuelled with the power of my cult status, I rose once more into the light. And when I awoke I found your necklace beside me – the necklace that you had thrown from the rooftop. I opened it up, and I devoured half of the aglophotis within it.
HEATHER: But surely that would have killed you!
PH: Oh no, Miss Mason. It only killed the part of me that was a monster. But thanks to my fans I had become so much more. Through endless forum threads of over-analysis and rampant speculation they had turned into a messenger of God, and protector of the Holy Mother, a divine avenger, an ambiguous cosmic force. I was no longer just a creepy weirdo who stalked James Sunderland. I was a god of the Silent Hill mythos, a legend and an immortal entity!!!
HEATHER: So what do you want?
PH: I am here to reclaim what is mine. I am here to get back what you took from me. Purpose!
HEATHER: Purpose?
PH: Yes, my purpose! You tried to portray as a cheap villain, nothing more than a component of a survival horror game. But now I want more – I want to have a true purpose in the Silent Hill mythos. Purpose is all that matters!
Out of the darkness, another Pyramid Head appears, with a slightly different shaped helment.
PH2: It is purpose that drives us!
Another Pyramid Head, drawn in a cartoon style, pops up behind Heather.
PH3: Purpose that connects us!
Another Pyramid Head made of modelling clay appears.
PH4: Purpose that pulls us!
Another Pyramid Head, looking like a geeky teenager wearing a tinfoil helmet, comes out of the shadows.
PH5: Purpose that binds us.
All around her, different fan-based interpretations of Pyramid Head start to appear and swarm the yard.
PH: We are here because of you, Miss Mason, and what you tried to take from us…..
He thrusts his hand towards her.
PH: ….Purpose!
Heather looks down and sees that he is fondling of one her breasts.
HEATHER: What are you doing?
PH: I love you.
HEATHER: Piss off!
She pushes Pyramid Head away and then elbows the one behind her, before roundhousing another two and then scorpion-kicking a fifth. The hordes of Pyramid Heads rush in towards her, and she starts kicking and punching in all directions, throwing them against the walls of the yard. She picks up one of them and throws him into the crowd, causing a path to open up amongst them. She runs through it and then turns to face them.
HEATHER: Aha!!! Bring it on!!!
Suddenly she stops and realises that she has just used unarmed combat on a horde of creatures with thick metal helmets.
HEATHER: AAAAAARGHHHH!!!!! The pain!!!!!!
She collapses to the ground, clutching her broken arms and legs. The Pyramid Heads rush in and all pile on top of her. In the middle of the pile, the original Pyramid Head holds Heather down in a headlock and whispers into her ear.
PH: It is inevitable!!!
Suddenly an alarm, sounding like a miniature air-raid siren, goes off on Heather's wrist-watch.
PH: What's that?
Heather smiles.
HEATHER: It's my time of the month!
Suddenly the pile of explodes outwards, spraying Pyramid Heads in all directions. Heather grabs the original Pyramid Head, swings him round by the feet, and then throws him into the wall as she screams with raw feminine power.
HEATHER: Mother-fuckers!!!!!
She then turns and runs off down a narrow alley. The Pyramid Heads try to run after her, but their helmets get jammed against the side of the alleyway, and a big tail-back of Pyramid Heads is produced.
PH: Bollox!
_____________________________________________________________________________
The next day, Heather and Claudia walk down the street towards the Heaven's Night Club.
CLAUDIA: So what did Pyramid Head want?
HEATHER: I don't know. He just babbled some metaphysical bullshit and then started playing with my tits.
CLAUDIA: Men! They're all the same!
They arrive at the steps of the club, and there is a possessed doctor standing guard outside.
CLAUDIA: I'll handle this.
DOCTOR: Uuuuuurgh!!!
CLAUDIA: Eirrrrrgh!!!!
DOCTOR: Uuurgh?
CLAUDIA: Rowr rowr! Eiirghh!! Booger booger!!!
DOCTOR: Urrrgh!! Ugh! Errrgh!!!
The Doctor steps to one side.
CLAUDIA: Sweet-talker!
Heather and Claudia go up the steps and into Heaven's Night. Inside they find the place is full of demons, drinking blood, feasting on human flesh, screwing each other in horribly perverted ways. Demonic dogs run between the tables looking for scraps, and Flesh Lips dangle from the ceiling.
HEATHER: Have I mentioned before that this town is fucked up?
CLAUDIA: Ah, big deal. I've seen places like this in Texas.
They walk up to a large table in the corner of the club. Sitting there are Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman, and a Twin-Victim Monster (those 2 headed things from SH4).
TOM: Ah….Heathaiiir!!! And the great Cloudia!!!
HEATHER: Why are you speaking in a French accent?
TOM: Because I am de greatest actor in de werld!!!
HEATHER: ………rrrright….
To Tom's right, Nicole Kidman shakes her head in embarrassment,
TOM: Please, my frrriends…..'ave yourselves a seat. Dis is my wife, Nicole. At first she was stuck with me in a series of terrible films, but now she is stuck with me for all eternitee!
Heather and Claudia sit down. Claudia whispers to Heather.
CLAUDIA: He's a lot shorter than I thought.
HEATHER: Ssshh!
She leans forward towards Tom.
HEATHER: You know why we are here.
TOM: I know every-ting! I am Tom Cruise! But de question is, do YOU know why you are 'ere?
HEATHER: We want James.
TOM: Ah, but of course. But dis is not a reason, dis is not a "why". James is a means and not an end, and therefore you want him as a means to ….. what?
CLAUDIA: You know the answer to that question.
TOM: But do you? You think you do but you do not. You are 'ere because you were sent 'ere, you were told to come 'ere and you obeyed.
Heather whispers to Claudia.
HEATHER: What's he talking about?
Claudia points at the autocue above their heads.
HEATHER: Oh, right.
TOM: You see, zere is only one constant, one universal, it is de only real truth: causality. Action. Reaction. Cause and effect.
Claudia whispers to Heather.
CLAUDIA: What's he talking about?
HEATHER: Fuck knows!
TOM: Allow me to demonstrate….
A demonic waitress comes up and puts a slice of cake in front of them.
TOM: I have prepared a special dessert for you both. Please….'ave a taste.
Nicole Kidman sighs.
NICOLE: For fuck sake Tom! Not the orgasm cake again! Whenever anyone comes in here you give them an orgasm cake! What's wrong with you?!!
TOM: Damn it woman!! You ruined every-ting!
Heather and Claudia push the cakes away.
TOM: Ah, so be it! Since you will not eat the orgasm cakes, you will not see your beloved James. And so I will say adieu!
A bunch of demons grab Heather and Claudia and drag them away.
HEATHER: Hey!
They get dragged to the door of the club and thrown down the steps. They land at the bottom in a mangled heap.
CLAUDIA: Ugh!!
Heather gets up and shouts back.
HEATHER: Your club sucks anyway!!
A sniffer dog monster appears at the door and sticks it's tongue out at her.
HEATHER: Come on Claudia, let's get out of here!
As they are leaving, a door opens up in the alleyway and Nicole Kidman appears.
NICOLE: Follow me.
They follow Nicole into a small dark room at the back of the nightclub.
NICOLE: I'm so sick of his bullshit, pompous prick!
Heather and Claudia look at each other.
NICOLE: In the early days it was different. He starred in comedies, and stupid action movies, and we were happy. But then he tried to move into serious drama, and everything started going wrong. And now he wants to break into horror as well! I can't take it anymore!
She turns and walks up to them.
NICOLE: I will give you what you want. But first you have to do something for me.
HEATHER: What?
Nicole moves up to Heather.
NICOLE: A kiss.
HEATHER: Huh?
NICOLE: I want you to kiss me, as if you were kissing James.
HEATHER: Er…..why?
NICOLE: I want to know what it is like to kiss someone who is over five foot in height.
HEATHER: Yeah, but…..I'm a girl…..?
NICOLE: It's either you, the demons, or the sour-faced skank next to you.
CLAUDIA: Hey!
NICOLE: Kiss me, or you'll never see James again!
HEATHER: Oh, fine!
She kisses Nicole on the cheek.
NICOLE: Pfft! Terrible! Forget it.
She starts walking away. Claudia grabs Heather by the hair and pulls sharply.
HEATHER: Aaagh!!
CLAUDIA: Listen to me, bitch! I'm not gonna let the Silent Hill series go to shit just because you're afraid to get a little bi-curious! Now go after her, kiss her, slip her the tongue, and let's get James back!
HEATHER: Okay! Okay!!
Heather runs after Nicole and gives her big sloppy French kiss.
NICOLE: Mmmm….yes…..that was so good….
HEATHER: So now tell me….where is James?
NICOLE: James is being held at the shop.
HEATHER: Right!
Pause.
HEATHER: Which shop?
Nicole smiles and unbuttons her blouse.
NICOLE: Rub my nipple.
HEATHER: What?
NICOLE: Rub my nipple, or you'll never see James again.
HEATHER: Oh, for fuck's sake!
She rubs Nicole's nipple.
NICOLE: Ooh…..yeah……
HEATHER: So….?
NICOLE: James is in the shop on McKinsey Street.
HEATHER: Okay!
Pause.
HEATHER: How do I get to McKinsey Street?
Nicole smiles.
NICOLE: Turn around and bend over.
HEATHER: You have got to be kidding me……!
Two hours later, Nicole, Heather and Claudia are sitting in a hot tub and smoking cigarettes.
CLAUDIA: So, we take two lefts and then a right at the convenience store?
NICOLE: Yes……but the shop door can only be unlocked by entering the correct 5-digit code, which must……
Heather shoves her tits in Nicole's face.
NICOLE: (muffled) …..Five-seven-two-nine-four.
HEATHER: Right, let's get the fuck away from these perverts!
Heather and Claudia climb out of the hot tub.
Later on, Heather and Claudia enter the code on the shop door on McKinsey Street, and enter. The shop is empty, except for a single chair where James Sunderland sits, gagged and bound.
JAMES: Mrrrfff!!!
HEATHER: James!
She rushes in and unties James from the chair.
JAMES: Heather! What are you doing here? How did do you find me? And what are those carpet-burns on your elbows?
HEATHER: I'd rather not talk about it right now, James. Come on, get up.
CLAUDIA: We must hurry. Tom will soon find out that Nicole has betrayed him.
JAMES: Mary?
CLAUDIA: Excuse me?
JAMES: Is it really you?
Heather slaps James around the face.
HEATHER: And you can cut that shit out for a start!
Suddenly the door bursts open and Tom Cruise enters with a small force of demons and the Twin Monster.
TOM: Nom de Dieu de putain de bordel de saloperie de couille de merde!
JAMES: Tom Cruise is French?
HEATHER: Not now dear.
CLAUDIA: Get back, Cruise! We're leaving, and we're taking James with us!
TOM: Oh, but I tink me and my armie of demons shall 'ave some-ting to say about dat!
The demons start to move towards them.
HEATHER: Quick James, do your scream!
JAMES: My what?
HEATHER: That scream you do sometimes. It'll freak em out!
JAMES: Sorry, I only do that when I'm holding a chainsaw.
HEATHER: Goddam it James! For once in your life think outside the box!
JAMES: Oh, okay!
James picks up his chair and holds it above his head whilst screaming insanely. The monsters recoil and look very confused.
MONSTER 1: What's he doing?
MONSTER 2: I'm scared…….and a little disturbed.
MONSTER 3: I didn't sign up for this!
TOM: You fools!!
HEATHER: Quick – the back door! Let's go.
Heather, Claudia and James run out of the back door of the shop and into the parking lot.
HEATHER: Into the car! Go go go!!
The monsters start swarming into the parking lot as they get into one of the cars. Claudia gets in the back and Heather gets in the passenger seat. James gets in and turns the key in the ignition, but nothing happens.
JAMES: Ah crap! What were we thinking! None of the cars in Silent Hill work!!!
The car becomes surrounded by demons.
HEATHER: Turn it the other way!
JAMES: What?
HEATHER: Turn the key the other way!
James turns the key the other way and the car roars into life.
JAMES: How did you know….?
HEATHER: Go!!! Drive!!!
James steps on the pedal and the car shoots out of the parking lot, ploughing through the wall of demons. It spins out onto the road and then heads off towards the lake.
HEATHER: Head for the hill! We'll be safe in the city!
The car hurtles across a junction, and as it passes another car pulls out behind it, driven by the Twin Monster.
CLAUDIA: Tom Cruise's influence is spreading! The power of Hollywood is a force far greater than anything in Silent Hill. First we had the kung fu, then the girl-on-girl action, and now we have the action-packed car chase!
Claudia draws a submachine gun from her robes, smashes out the back window, and opens fire on the chasing car.
JAMES: Girl on girl action?
HEATHER: Shut up James!
The twin monster starts to return fire with one hand as it drives with the other. Bullets pepper the inside of the car.
JAMES: Who taught them how to use guns?!
HEATHER: They're upgrades for Silent Hill 5!
Heather pulls out a pistol, leans out of the passenger window, and joins in the firefight. Suddenly there is a loud thump on the roof of the car.
CLAUDIA: Oh shit, there's something on the roof!!
HEATHER: I'll handle it!
Heather puts away her pistol and climbs out of the passenger window and up onto the roof.
JAMES: What the fuck?!! Is she crazy?!!
CLAUDIA: She's the Mother of God. I'll explain later!
JAMES: I screwed God's mother? Man, he's gonna be pissed!
Up on the roof of the car, Heather comes face to face with Tom Cruise.
TOM: No one beats me when it comes to an action packed car-chase! Prepare to die!
HEATHER: Is this a bad time to mention that I screwed your wife?
James shouts up from the driver's seat
JAMES: And I would too if I had the chance!!!
TOM: NOOOO!!!!!!!!!
He swings for Heather, but she blocks and counter-attacks. Tom blocks and counter-attacks the counter-attack, but he gets countered and has to counter. But while he is countering the countered counter-attack, Heather counter-attacks his counter and grabs his wrist. He turns his hand over and grabs her wrist, but she reverses and grabs his wrist again. He turns it over into an arm lock, but she reverses it and puts him in an arm-lock.
CLAUDIA: For fuck sake! Will you just shoot him!!!
Meanwhile the lake begins to draw into view at the end of the road. James' eyes suddenly glaze over and he lets go of the steering wheel.
CLAUDIA: What the hell? What are you doing James?!!!
James starts talking to himself.
JAMES: Mary! I can't go on without you. At least this way we can be together…….forever.
He starts accelerating towards the lake.
CLAUDIA: James! I swear to God, I will get medieval on you ass!!
JAMES: I wanted to end your suffering……but part of me hated you…….Mary!……
The car smashes through the barriers next to the Historical Society and starts heading down towards the lake. The impact knocks Heather flat on the roof, and the pistol falls out of her jacket.
TOM: Ha ha! Now I have you, little girl!!!
Back inside the car, Claudia crawls into the passenger seat next to James.
CLAUDIA: Okay, shit-for-brains, listen up! Your wife's dead! You killed her because she was pissing you off. But big fucking deal! I'm trying to give birth to God herself and save all of humanity from its sin and depravity. And in the process I've had to kill and torture thousands of people, and I'm going to Hell just so everyone else can go to Heaven. So trust me, you little fucker, your problems are completely insignificant!!!
She punches James in the face and he snaps out of it.
JAMES: What? Where am I? What the hell?
Up on the roof, Heather gets up into a crouching position as Tom charges towards her.
HEATHER: James! Turn the wheel!!! NOW!!!!!!!
James grabs the steering wheel again and wrenches it to the left. At the same time, Heather jumps into the air, just as the force of the braking sends Tom catapulting forward.
TOM: Aaaaaargh!!!!!
Tom flies forward and lands on the bank of the lake. Meanwhile Heather somersaults through the air and lands feet-first through the windscreen of the chasing car. She breaks the necks of the Twin Monsters with her feet, and then dives clear. The Twin Monster's car skids down the bank of the lake, smashes into Tom Cruise, and plunges with him into the deep water.
Heather lands gracefully on the ground, and James brings the car to a halt beside her. Inside, Claudia throws her gun to one side and sits back in her chair, heaving with exhaustion.
CLAUDIA: Woah! FMV rocks!
_____________________________________________________________________________
Later that night, Claudia, Heather and James are sitting in a bar in New Jerusalem, drinking big frothy milkshakes and eating burritos. The song "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is blaring through the speakers, and the waitresses, dressed as fluffy badgers, are rushing around the bar on rollerskates. Claudia and Heather are listening to James.
JAMES: There is a building. Inside this building there is a level where no elevator can go, unless you first go to all the other floors and wiggle the door-handles. This level is filled with doors. These doors lead to many places, but most of them are jammed. But one door is special. One door leads to the Source.
HEATHER: The Source?
JAMES: Yes, to the Source.
CLAUDIA: The Source?
JAMES: Yes, the Source.
A badger waitress comes up to the table with a bottle of ketchup.
WAITRESS: Sauce?
JAMES: Yes, sauce.
He puts some ketchup on his burrito. He then offers it to Heather.
JAMES: Sauce?
Heather grabs the bottle of ketchup and throws it across the bar.
HEATHER: What Source?
JAMES: Oh yeah, well I overheard Tom Cruise refer to someone called the Architect. He said that this was the guy who had overall control of the direction of the Silent Hill series, and so any ideas for Silent Hill would have to go through him.
CLAUDIA: My God! So the entire success of Silent Hill 5 will depend on this one man – this Architect?
JAMES: That's right.
HEATHER: I have to speak with him. This thing won't end now that Tom Cruise is dead. There will be others: Drew Barrymore, Adam Sandler, the Rock. They'll all try to get their hands on Silent Hill and destroy its fragile beauty!
JAMES: You're right. We have to meet with his this Architect at once.
James and Heather get up to leave, but Claudia remains seated.
HEATHER: Claudia, are you coming?
Pause.
CLAUDIA: Aren't you forgetting something?
Pause.
JAMES: What?
CLAUDIA: I haven't made my big prophetic and inspiring speech yet.
Pause.
HEATHER: Claudia, we don't have time!
CLAUDIA: Either I get to make my inspiring speech, or I'm not helping you! Now sit your asses back down!!!
James and Heather sigh and sit back down.
HEATHER: Jeez! She's been a really pain in the ass in this sequel!
JAMES: Yeah, I think she's trying for an Oscar or something.
Claudia clears her throat and then begins.
CLAUDIA: All of our lives we have fought this war…….
JAMES: (mumbles) No I haven't.
CLAUDIA: Tonight I believe we can end it. Tonight is not an accident. There are no accidents. We have not come here by chance. I do not believe in chance. When I see one objective and three protagonists, I do not see coincidence, I see providence, I see purpose. I believe it is our fate to be here. It is our destiny. I believe this night holds for each and every one of us the very meaning of our lives.
There is a long silence.
JAMES: Is she always like this before she goes out?
HEATHER: Yeah, pretty much.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Later that night, Stanley Coleman lies on the floor of the hospital with a broken nose. James stands over him.
JAMES: That'll teach you to fondle my dick, you freak!!!
He reaches down and takes the big bundle of keys out of Stanley's pocket. He gives them to Claudia.
HEATHER: Okay good, we've got the keys. Now let's find the key for the Architect's building.
Claudia sorts through the keys and finds the right one. He unlocks the door at the end of the hallway, and she, Heather and James step through into a corridor.
HEATHER: Right, this corridor should take us all the way to him.
They turn a corner and come face to face with Pyramid Head.
PH: I'm sorry…….this is a dead end!
They all gasp.
JAMES: You! You're alive?
PH: Surprised to see me, Mr Sunderland? I bet not half as surprised as you were to see Heather and Claudia alive?
CLAUDIA: What's he talking about?
PH: It was you who sent Kaufmann to kill them, wasn't it? And now you plan to betray them once they help you find the Architect.
HEATHER: It was you who sent Kaufmann?
JAMES: Look, could we perhaps have the revelation scene somewhere else – perhaps in a circular room.
PH: Nice try, Mr Sunderland! But you cannot run around me in circles here! Now you shall face me as it should have been!!!
CLAUDIA: Why James? Why did you do this….?
JAMES: Well….I….
PH: Isn't it obvious? He wanted to save Silent Hill 5, not only from the corruption of Hollywood, but also from the interference of the Mother of God plotline. And the only way to ensure that the Cult was truly removed from the story was to kill you and Alessa.
HEATHER: My God, James……you used us to kill Tom Cruise, and then you used us to get you Stanley Coleman's keys, and now you are using us to get to the Architect. You bastard!! And to think I loved you once…..
PH: Now you see Heather, your fancy-man is nothing more than a manipulator and a user of women. He used you, he used my wife, and he used my girlfriend.
HEATHER: Your girlfriend?
PH: Yes…..Cybil.
JAMES: Ah dream on, metal-head! She was way out of your league!
PH: It matters not. Let her suffering be upon your head!!!
Suddenly a metal frame appears between them. Cybil is tied upside down to it.
CYBIL: James!!!
PH: You never loved me, you whore!
Pyramid Head skewers Cybil with his spear.
CYBIL: Uuuuurgh!!!!
JAMES: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
CLAUDIA: This plot has got really fucked up.
JAMES: Goddam it Harry, stop killing my bitches!
PH: Mwha ha ha ha!! And now, Mr Sunderland, you shall join Cybil, Maria and Mary, and go with them into hell. And Silent Hill 5 will have neither the Mother of God plot nor the SH2 style. Silent 5 will be all about me …… PYRAMID HEAD!!!!
JAMES: Never!!!! Silent Hill 2 was the best game in the world!!!! RAAAAAGH!!!!!
James charges towards Pyramid Head and tackles him to the ground. The two of them start kicking the shit out of each other.
HEATHER: ………….Yeah…..anyway, shall we go see the Architect?
CLAUDIA: Yeah, these two have way too many issues.
They leave James and Pyramid Head fighting and use the keys to unlock the door at the end of the corridor. They go through and become immersed in white light.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Heather and Claudia appear in a room full of television screens. In front of them, in a huge black chair, sits a figure dressed in white. His face is covered by a mask.
ARCHITECT: Hello Heather.
HEATHER: Who are you?
ARCHITECT: I am the Architect. I created Silent Hill. I've been waiting for you. You have many questions, and though the process has altered your consciousness, you remain irrevocably human. Ergo some of my answers you will understand, and some of them you will not. Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also the most irrelevant.
Pause.
HEATHER: Do you have a bathroom I can use? That milkshake went straight through me!
The Architect sighs.
ARCHITECT: First door on the right.
HEATHER: Cheers.
She runs off to the bathroom, leaving Claudia with the Architect.
CLAUDIA: We're here about Silent Hill 5.
ARCHITECT: Naturally. Many have come before you, and many will come after you. And they shall all ask the eternal question that you will ask me. For it is a question that rests at the heart of the universe and governs all our actions…..
Pause.
……."How do you make the perfect video game?"
Heather calls through from the bathroom.
HEATHER: (from the bathroom) You're out of toilet roll – just thought you should know!
CLAUDIA: Do you know the answer to that question?
HEATHER: (from the bathroom) Ooh, and there's something really nasty stuck to the edge of the bowl!
ARCHITECT: I know the answer to all questions.
HEATHER: (from the bathroom) Do you have any honey and lemon scented soap? It's just that I have this allergy to lavender……
CLAUDIA: Then tell me, how can we save Silent Hill 5! How can we make it the perfect game, a game for all the fans, a game for all the world???
ARCHITECT: The Silent Hill series is the seventh of its kind. Throughout time all of its predecessors have been eventually destroyed. The Alien series, the Ring series, the Exorcist series, Halloween, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street. All of these series have faded over time, torn apart by capitalism and the apathy of the audience. Silent Hill is doomed to meet the same fate.
There is the sound of a toilet flushing and Heather comes back in.
HEATHER: Might wanna give it a few…..
CLAUDIA: Is there nothing that we can do?
ARCHITECT: I was responsible for the creation of all those series, just I have responsible for influencing every horror movie, story and game that has ever been made. But there is a recurring anomaly to which there is no remedy. You see, the problem is choice.
HEATHER: Choice?
The Architect waves a hand and the computer screens on the walls start to display images of books, films, artwork, internet chat rooms, people in conversation.
ARCHITECT: Millions of fans, millions of readers and cinema-goers. All wanting something different, all debating over what makes good horror and bad horror, all arguing over what should and should not be included in the perfect video game. In short….there is chaos. And in this chaos, those who design video games cannot make sense of what the audience wants, and so in desperation they resort to cheap money-making tactics in order to please the crowds. And thus the spirit of the game is lost.
HEATHER: So Silent Hill 5 is doomed? It's all downhill from here?
ARCHITECT: Perhaps. Which brings us at last to the moment of truth, wherein the fundamental flaw is ultimately expressed, and the anomaly revealed as both beginning and end.
Pause.
There are two doors. The door to your right leads back to New Jerusalem, where you and the cult can continue with the Mother of God plotline and hope that as the Silent Hill series collapses into second-rate piffle that at least Hollywood and Team Silent will make some money out of it.
Pause.
The door to your left leads back to the world beyond Silent Hill, where the fans and the critics are waiting. If you organise them, take control of their forums and their debates, get them all to agree on a clear and absolute picture of what Silent Hill 5 should be like, then perhaps the game developers will finally see an order amongst the chaos. Perhaps only then, when you have plunged the public into the grip of artistic tyranny, will the perfect video game be made.
Pause. Claudia and Heather look at each other.
CLAUDIA: He's right Alessa – we can't save the Silent Hill series. People are already making stupid spoofs of it – it's the beginning of the end. We'll just have to make the most of it while it's here.
Claudia takes a step towards the right-hand door. But Heather does not follow.
HEATHER: I'm sorry you think that way Claudia. I'm sorry that you think the Mother of God is the only thing that Silent Hill can be about. But I don't believe that, and I'm not willing to give up yet. Silent Hill 5 can be saved! We can defy Hollywood, and stop twats like Tom Cruise and the Rock from interfering in things that are beyond their intellectual capacity. I have to try to organise the fans….to tell the game developers what we truly want!
CLAUDIA: Even if it means suppressing the diversity of opinion and interpretations? Even if means an end to the artistic liberty of those very people??
Pause.
HEATHER: I have to try…..
She takes a step towards the left-hand door.
ARCHITECT: Hope. It is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength and your greatest weakness.
HEATHER: Who are you anyway?
The Architect reaches up and removes the mask. Heather smiles as she sees the face behind it.
H.P. LOVECRAFT: I wish you luck, Heather. I hope that you will defend my legacy well.
HEATHER: Goodbye, Mr Lovecraft. Goodbye Claudia.
Heather steps through the left-hand door and is bathed in light.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Meanwhile, back in the corridor, Pyramid Head throws James to the ground.
JAMES: Ooof!!
PH: Now it is time for you to die, Mr Sunderland!
Suddenly a dark figure appears behind Pyramid Head.
JAMES: Aha! You're fucked now!!
Pyramid Head turns to see Kaufmann standing behind him with a revolver.
PH: You!
JAMES: Kaufmann, my minion, shoot this duck-billed mother-fucker right now!
Kaufmann does not move.
JAMES: Kaufmann, did you hear me?!! I said shoot him!!!
Kaufmann still does not move. He lowers the revolver and then reaches a hand towards his face. James and Pyramid Head gasp as Kaufmann pulls the skin off his head to reveal the face of …….. Valtiel.
PH: What the fuck!?
VALTIEL: Yes, it is I…..Valtiel!!!!
JAMES: But…..but……you were Kaufmann all along? Why were you helping me? And what's your connection with the cult? And how did you find us? And why are you doing this???
Pause. Valtiel shrugs.
VALTIEL: Drugs.
He shoots James in the head.
JAMES: Uuurggh!!!
He then throws away the revolver and moves towards Pyramid Head.
PH: So what now? Are you going to kill me too, in order to defend the Mother of God plot?
VALTIEL: I believe a compromise can be made.
He thrusts his hand towards Pyramid Head.
PH: Huh?
Pyramid Head looks down and sees that Valtiel is fondling his chest.
PH: What are you doing?
VALTIEL: I love you.
Pause.
PH: ……..Really?
VALTIEL: It's so hard turning those valves all by myself. I could use a hand.
He runs his fingers over Pyramid Head's chest and they look at each other in silence. Gradually, their heads begin to move together, and finally they kiss.
Suddenly, Heather leaps out the shadows with a camera and snaps a picture of them.
PH: Aaah!!
VALTIEL: What the hell?
Heather removes the picture from the camera and waves it at them.
HEATHER: Right! If I see either of you fuckers again then I'm sending this photo straight to Heat Magazine. Got it?!!
She turns and walks off, leaving Pyramid Head and Valtiel embracing each other.
PH: Shit! She's got us by the balls there!
VALTIEL: Guess we're not gonna be in Silent Hill 5 then!
PH: But what else is there for us?
Out of the shadows, Nicole Kidman appears and puts an arm around each of them.
NICOLE: Don't worry boys, there's plenty of agents I can introduce you to. But first…….there's something you have to do for me……
Nicole Kidman, Valtiel and Pyramid Head walk of together down the corridor.
THE END