Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Hedonist Redd, Nov 11, 2009.

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  1. I really have to just say WTF somedays... IDK what to do with myself, or just how to live.
    To be truthfully honest, I'm only at my happiest when I'm in love, or being loved. It's the sad, sad, matter of it all. I've gotten such an amazing image of love and romance in my mind, it's become like a drug, I have to have it, I've got to have alot of it, and I have to have it NOW. I've tried and tried to break myself of it, focus on other things, but I keep crawling back on my fucking knees to it, wanting to suck it's dick yet again.
    Now, the unfortunate truth is, I'm a very unhandsome, fat, somewhat out of shape, geek. Harsh truth. Though, most of my friends who are girls, tell me I have the most romantic mind, would do anything for another living soul, and is the most caring person they know.
    Then WHY THE HELL do people hate me? Dislike, whatever the hell you want to say, loathe, IDC.
    I'd do anything for anyone. Give a hobo the shirt off my back if I could. I do anything for the ones I love, give them my heart, soul, my very being...
    And yet, I'm called a "brother" in every single relationship I've ever been in. Christ, it feels like I'm trapped in the sitcom "Everybody Hates Chris".
    I'm a very simple to please person, with a great passion for love, music, and games. Many call me desperate, but I seriously love everybody. I don't hate anyone. It's just they hate me cause I'm too crazy, or fat, or something, IDFK. And this is just my personal, friend life.
    My family (especially my dad and brother) have GOT to be the worlds most fantastic idiots. My dad has had Parkinson's disease for 10-15 years now,and it stopped him from continuing his career as a cop. My brother, I think, is perhaps the one person I may hate ever in my life. He's a fat, good for nothing, mooch, who's a vile, disgusting human being, who doesn't understand compassion if it came and bit him on the ass. He's horrible. And they both won't just leave me the hell alone, no matter WHAT I do. My dad can barely think for himself, cause Parkinson's is a degenerative brain disease, and inhibits his speech, thinking, and movement, everything your brain can do, which is pretty much everything. Fact is, he really doesn't realize when he doesn't make sense most of the time. My stepmom, Brenda, seems to be the only sane one in the house, besides my cat, Gizmo. Anyway, my family aside, lemme give you a bit more background.
    My name is Christopher Ryan Shephard, born January 13th, 1992, in Kissimmee, FL, Osceola Regional Medical Center, my mother Tammy Lou Shephard, and my father James Henry Shephard. I was preceeded by my older brother, Patrick Lee Shephard. My mom and dad divorced, and my dad pretty much curbstomped my mom financially in court, and won us over. I see this as the one moment that I could've hated my father for. He's a controlling, manipulative, bastard, but he's gotten a bit better since then, I guess. I love my mom's side of the family, the most caring people you could ever meet. I want to live with them, but I happened to fall in love in 8th grade.
    Osceola High School Kowboys is my school, the one I fell in love with my 8th grade year, over their marching show, of "Abrahm's Pursuit". I decided that I wanted to lend my sax (alto and bari) to OHS. I decided to go there, fight tooth and nail for my out of zone request to get there. I decided to join their marching band, and enjoy it.
    Marching band is my life and soul, and I never regret for a minute, even with all the shit that happens, joining up that day.
    Anyway, I'm 5'10, about 220-250lbs, very thick boned, built like a linebacker, and has naturally dark brown hair. I dye it red, and it grows like a chia pet.
    I've loved, truly, maybe 2 or 3 people in my life, but I've had a few experiments along the way. Now, the way I go, is that I will give ANYTHING to the special someone. Anything, my soul, my life. I do anything to make them happy. People call me clingy, or desperate, but to me, it's passion, and love. Living for that person is my service to them, since God knows I'm not good for anything else. I live for others, cause no one has done it for me, so I want them to feel like they're my whole world, which they are. I tend to be chivalrous, even though it is long dead in my school, or town. Age, race, sex, nothing gets in my way. Weight, nope. Nothing. If love is there, it can prevail, no matter the problem. I'm an insane, hopeless romantic. Too bad it seems love has my nuts in a vice grip, and won't let me sate a 1000 year heart ache. There.... More later, comment if you want or care.
    ~Big Red 11/11/09 Kissimmee FL
  2. Wow dude. Shit sux. Sad truth is I've ended up being friends to most of the girls I've liked simply because it took me too long to tell them, and then i got desperate and ended up with the wrong person that ended up fucking up my entire life. still now over her and i doubt i ever will. Best advice is to wait. I know its hard but perhaps something to keep you busy instead of ending up like me and wondering if you can ever trust/love again.
  3. I have no problem with loving or trusting again... It's just that I try so damn hard, since I don't have anything really going for me. EVERYONE tells me I'm the happiest man alive when I'm in love with someone.
  4. That's so sweet! And so sad!

    ... Damnit, hang in there, Red!
  5. Red..........you've really touched base with me man. The way you describe yourself is almost the description of me and that little twinkle of reflection has caught me. I see myself in the same situation and as for love on my part...well the only experience I have with that is Sakura.

    Aside from the obscure side subject of that, I think all it takes is a little motivation in some form of work whether it be the Marching Band you so adore or paperwork that I do. Nothing beats losing myself in my characters. Hope things can work out for you, and yes the girls I've met in real life had told me the same thing about how I'm nice but not their type XD. I get over it...kind of.

    Writing in the Moonlight,

  6. I won't go into too much detail, because I know I'll get carried away and spill my entire life story to you. .. But please know that I know how you feel.

    And I'm totally there with you as far as giving everything for the person you love. I'm glad to see that guys like you haven't vanished completely. Like Alarice said.. Hang in there. I wish you the best of luck.

    If there's anything you need to talk about, you know you can always get in touch with me. <3
  7. Unrequited love is one of the most fucked feelings in the world.

    then again my freind, if you've been loved by someone at some stage (other than family, we're talking romance love here) consider that a blessing in and of itself.

    some of us are not so fortunate.
    then again, the reverse can be said, but I'm with shakespeare on this one.
  8. Red I meant I was where you are now and ended up giving myself completely to the wrong person and ended up where I am now. Its not you who has trust issues, its me. Just a warning to be careful dude.
  9. Hmmm...I'm not quite sure if I should say much because, I'm those girls. I'm very used to hearing things like this and while reading, I had a friend of mine exactly in mind.

    What he does, is actually sets up a attractive, flirty personality for himself and has girls throwing themselves at him. And he looks very much like you, Red. I mean, I've fallen under his spell more than once. lol I can already tell you're a charming, flirty kind of person so, maybe this will help.

    And, from a girl that is used to guys falling for her in secret, I get extremely frustrated when guys don't tell me. Mostly because, even sometimes there are guys I just flat out don't like, a lot of times, it's guys I haven't even thought about. So, if you DO like a girl and are afraid of asking her, Don't be. She just may not have thought about you yet. ^_^

    I hope that helps, Red. I love you. *Hugs*
  10. Everyone else has already made a lot of good points, but I will say this, Red. I reckon you're being way too over-critical of yourself, especially the way you look. Not unlike art, appearances are subjective. And overall, I'd say that personality counts way, WAY more than appearance ever does (Lemme put it this way; if you had the choice to be with a good-looking girl who was foul-tempered, shallow and not very interesting to talk to, or a girl who may not be the best looking person in the world but is funny, outgoing and good to sit about and have a laugh with, most sane people would go for the second option).

    So yeah, hang in there, old boy. After all, who knows what's round the corner?
  11. Wow, Red, still at OHS? Heh.

    As possibly the only person here who's seen you in real life, I have one thing to say. You are not ugly. Yeah, I'm one of those girls who called you a brother. But then again, I'm the girl who fantasizes about cars that turn into giant alien robots, and has never had a relationship in her life, let alone been in love.

    You're sweet, caring, and a wonderful person. I could go on to say that you'll find someone eventually, but honestly, that sounds trite to me- so all I have to say is, they're missing out.

    See you around some time.

    ~You know damn well who.
  12. Red, you're super. For me, don't ever forget that, kay Newbie? You're so wonderful to talk to and so cool. ^*^
  13. Yo Red, You sound like an awesome cat. Just make sure the person you fall for deserves someone as awesome as you.
  14. Thank you, guys... It really helps. But...
    *sigh* I don't know anymore... IDK why I should keep going like this, when I know all that awaits me is a deluxe curbstomp at any road I follow. Why? To suffer more heartache, deal with more pointless shit, when I work my ass off hard to try and survive without anyone telling me they love me? I mean, why the fuck bother?
    I cried my damn eyes out on Tuesday, in Ms Lackey's office, a dean of OHS, and my band director who just so happens to be walking around at the time. I just crumbled. I couldn't take it anymore. I skipped to lunch early, cause I have a classroom way on the other side of school, and almost have to run to lunch to get any food in time, cause everyone butts in front of each other, and fucks all the kids who walk from the farther classrooms. I was caught, of course, and given a referral, and told to go to Mrs. Lackey. I stood there next to her door, and I just thought more and more... And finally just fucking cracked. I'm tired. I'm weak, and I'm pathetic. I don't care what people think of me about it anymore. I just want to be friends with everyone, cause I love everyone, and just find a nice girl and be fucking happy... But no. No. They can't even let me have that anymore, can they? They just have to squeeze every ounce of livelihood out of my damn being... but leave just enough for me not to go and off myself. Just enough to leave some fucked up hope for the future, and leave me in a trashcan somewhere. I don't care anymore people... I need someone. Some people may say I don't need love... but maybe they don't. But I'm just weak enough to need it to live my life happily.

    Hear me, my chiefs! I am tired. My heart is sick and sad. From where the sun now stands,
    I will fight no more forever
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