H
Hedonist Redd
Guest
Original poster
I really have to just say WTF somedays... IDK what to do with myself, or just how to live.
To be truthfully honest, I'm only at my happiest when I'm in love, or being loved. It's the sad, sad, matter of it all. I've gotten such an amazing image of love and romance in my mind, it's become like a drug, I have to have it, I've got to have alot of it, and I have to have it NOW. I've tried and tried to break myself of it, focus on other things, but I keep crawling back on my fucking knees to it, wanting to suck it's dick yet again.
Now, the unfortunate truth is, I'm a very unhandsome, fat, somewhat out of shape, geek. Harsh truth. Though, most of my friends who are girls, tell me I have the most romantic mind, would do anything for another living soul, and is the most caring person they know.
Then WHY THE HELL do people hate me? Dislike, whatever the hell you want to say, loathe, IDC.
I'd do anything for anyone. Give a hobo the shirt off my back if I could. I do anything for the ones I love, give them my heart, soul, my very being...
And yet, I'm called a "brother" in every single relationship I've ever been in. Christ, it feels like I'm trapped in the sitcom "Everybody Hates Chris".
I'm a very simple to please person, with a great passion for love, music, and games. Many call me desperate, but I seriously love everybody. I don't hate anyone. It's just they hate me cause I'm too crazy, or fat, or something, IDFK. And this is just my personal, friend life.
My family (especially my dad and brother) have GOT to be the worlds most fantastic idiots. My dad has had Parkinson's disease for 10-15 years now,and it stopped him from continuing his career as a cop. My brother, I think, is perhaps the one person I may hate ever in my life. He's a fat, good for nothing, mooch, who's a vile, disgusting human being, who doesn't understand compassion if it came and bit him on the ass. He's horrible. And they both won't just leave me the hell alone, no matter WHAT I do. My dad can barely think for himself, cause Parkinson's is a degenerative brain disease, and inhibits his speech, thinking, and movement, everything your brain can do, which is pretty much everything. Fact is, he really doesn't realize when he doesn't make sense most of the time. My stepmom, Brenda, seems to be the only sane one in the house, besides my cat, Gizmo. Anyway, my family aside, lemme give you a bit more background.
My name is Christopher Ryan Shephard, born January 13th, 1992, in Kissimmee, FL, Osceola Regional Medical Center, my mother Tammy Lou Shephard, and my father James Henry Shephard. I was preceeded by my older brother, Patrick Lee Shephard. My mom and dad divorced, and my dad pretty much curbstomped my mom financially in court, and won us over. I see this as the one moment that I could've hated my father for. He's a controlling, manipulative, bastard, but he's gotten a bit better since then, I guess. I love my mom's side of the family, the most caring people you could ever meet. I want to live with them, but I happened to fall in love in 8th grade.
Osceola High School Kowboys is my school, the one I fell in love with my 8th grade year, over their marching show, of "Abrahm's Pursuit". I decided that I wanted to lend my sax (alto and bari) to OHS. I decided to go there, fight tooth and nail for my out of zone request to get there. I decided to join their marching band, and enjoy it.
Marching band is my life and soul, and I never regret for a minute, even with all the shit that happens, joining up that day.
Anyway, I'm 5'10, about 220-250lbs, very thick boned, built like a linebacker, and has naturally dark brown hair. I dye it red, and it grows like a chia pet.
I've loved, truly, maybe 2 or 3 people in my life, but I've had a few experiments along the way. Now, the way I go, is that I will give ANYTHING to the special someone. Anything, my soul, my life. I do anything to make them happy. People call me clingy, or desperate, but to me, it's passion, and love. Living for that person is my service to them, since God knows I'm not good for anything else. I live for others, cause no one has done it for me, so I want them to feel like they're my whole world, which they are. I tend to be chivalrous, even though it is long dead in my school, or town. Age, race, sex, nothing gets in my way. Weight, nope. Nothing. If love is there, it can prevail, no matter the problem. I'm an insane, hopeless romantic. Too bad it seems love has my nuts in a vice grip, and won't let me sate a 1000 year heart ache. There.... More later, comment if you want or care.
~Big Red 11/11/09 Kissimmee FL
To be truthfully honest, I'm only at my happiest when I'm in love, or being loved. It's the sad, sad, matter of it all. I've gotten such an amazing image of love and romance in my mind, it's become like a drug, I have to have it, I've got to have alot of it, and I have to have it NOW. I've tried and tried to break myself of it, focus on other things, but I keep crawling back on my fucking knees to it, wanting to suck it's dick yet again.
Now, the unfortunate truth is, I'm a very unhandsome, fat, somewhat out of shape, geek. Harsh truth. Though, most of my friends who are girls, tell me I have the most romantic mind, would do anything for another living soul, and is the most caring person they know.
Then WHY THE HELL do people hate me? Dislike, whatever the hell you want to say, loathe, IDC.
I'd do anything for anyone. Give a hobo the shirt off my back if I could. I do anything for the ones I love, give them my heart, soul, my very being...
And yet, I'm called a "brother" in every single relationship I've ever been in. Christ, it feels like I'm trapped in the sitcom "Everybody Hates Chris".
I'm a very simple to please person, with a great passion for love, music, and games. Many call me desperate, but I seriously love everybody. I don't hate anyone. It's just they hate me cause I'm too crazy, or fat, or something, IDFK. And this is just my personal, friend life.
My family (especially my dad and brother) have GOT to be the worlds most fantastic idiots. My dad has had Parkinson's disease for 10-15 years now,and it stopped him from continuing his career as a cop. My brother, I think, is perhaps the one person I may hate ever in my life. He's a fat, good for nothing, mooch, who's a vile, disgusting human being, who doesn't understand compassion if it came and bit him on the ass. He's horrible. And they both won't just leave me the hell alone, no matter WHAT I do. My dad can barely think for himself, cause Parkinson's is a degenerative brain disease, and inhibits his speech, thinking, and movement, everything your brain can do, which is pretty much everything. Fact is, he really doesn't realize when he doesn't make sense most of the time. My stepmom, Brenda, seems to be the only sane one in the house, besides my cat, Gizmo. Anyway, my family aside, lemme give you a bit more background.
My name is Christopher Ryan Shephard, born January 13th, 1992, in Kissimmee, FL, Osceola Regional Medical Center, my mother Tammy Lou Shephard, and my father James Henry Shephard. I was preceeded by my older brother, Patrick Lee Shephard. My mom and dad divorced, and my dad pretty much curbstomped my mom financially in court, and won us over. I see this as the one moment that I could've hated my father for. He's a controlling, manipulative, bastard, but he's gotten a bit better since then, I guess. I love my mom's side of the family, the most caring people you could ever meet. I want to live with them, but I happened to fall in love in 8th grade.
Osceola High School Kowboys is my school, the one I fell in love with my 8th grade year, over their marching show, of "Abrahm's Pursuit". I decided that I wanted to lend my sax (alto and bari) to OHS. I decided to go there, fight tooth and nail for my out of zone request to get there. I decided to join their marching band, and enjoy it.
Marching band is my life and soul, and I never regret for a minute, even with all the shit that happens, joining up that day.
Anyway, I'm 5'10, about 220-250lbs, very thick boned, built like a linebacker, and has naturally dark brown hair. I dye it red, and it grows like a chia pet.
I've loved, truly, maybe 2 or 3 people in my life, but I've had a few experiments along the way. Now, the way I go, is that I will give ANYTHING to the special someone. Anything, my soul, my life. I do anything to make them happy. People call me clingy, or desperate, but to me, it's passion, and love. Living for that person is my service to them, since God knows I'm not good for anything else. I live for others, cause no one has done it for me, so I want them to feel like they're my whole world, which they are. I tend to be chivalrous, even though it is long dead in my school, or town. Age, race, sex, nothing gets in my way. Weight, nope. Nothing. If love is there, it can prevail, no matter the problem. I'm an insane, hopeless romantic. Too bad it seems love has my nuts in a vice grip, and won't let me sate a 1000 year heart ache. There.... More later, comment if you want or care.
~Big Red 11/11/09 Kissimmee FL