Should I reconnect with this person, or am I being selfish?

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Opal, Jan 16, 2016.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Almost two years ago now (!) I was in a relationship with someone. The relationship lasted for a bit over a year. This was before I came to terms with my sexuality, and was desperately trying to convince myself that I could be straight. I loved this boy - still do - because he was/is genuinely the kindest person I have ever met. I had so much fun with him. He was so sweet.

    Unfortunately, I broke his heart, in a bad way. I told him that I was gay, and then stopped talking to him, because I was scared. He tried to tell me that he still cared about me and still wanted to be friends, but I was so terrified that I just dropped off the face of the planet and hated myself for it. I still hate myself for hurting him.

    Since then all I've wanted to do was reach out to him, but I've felt like it was selfish on my part. He's probably moved on, and reaching out to him would only hurt him. The thing is: he hasn't removed me from anything. Not Steam, not LoL, not Skype. We're both mutually added as friends on all of these.

    I'm thinking that perhaps this means it would still be okay to reach out...? To say, 'hey, I'm a big fucking dick but I wanted to let you know that I still think about you and hope you're well; if you don't want to talk I completely understand, I just wanted to say sorry' ?

    I don't know. I feel selfish about him, but I miss him so much. He was such a good influence on my life. I still have a custom doll he had commissioned for me for my birthday.

    I just want some advice from folks that are unbiased towards the situation. Is this something I should do, or should I leave it alone?
  2. Well, to be completely honest, either way has it's benefits and risks, but... Well, if you do decide to contact him, depending on how it goes, it may take a while to resolve that, or... Not a while at all >.< I suppose it all comes down to who he was at the time, how he handled the situation, and how he is today. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if it's been troubling you for this long, maybe it's for the best to contact him, but, well, try not to be too sudden about bringing up the matter I guess :S
  3. You won't know how he feels about you until you reach out and ask. And, the fact that he never removed you as a friend on anything would suggest that he doesn't actively hate you, at the very least. For all you know, he might really like to re-connect with you! And, if you really want to see him again, then, I'd say that's too good of a possibility to pass up.

    I suggest just shooting him a message and seeing how things go from there. If he doesn't want to talk to you then you can just drop things there and at least stop worrying about it, now that it's all over and done with. If he does want to talk to you then, well, this could go some pretty nice places for the both of you! I'd say the potential benefits greatly outweigh the risks. It's definitely worth contacting him.

    Besides, I don't see it as selfish at all! Wanting to apologize for past mistakes and remind the other person that you still care? Even though you could've easily just forgotten about it and moved on? That's like... the opposite of selfish. :P
  4. I went through a fairly similar situation a while back, minus the sexuality bit. I had a sort of internet dating thing going on with this woman, then things happened that aren't really relevant, and I cut contact with her entirely and she was none too pleased with it. I removed her from my friend and contact lists on various things, but even a couple years later when logging on to things I hadn't touched in a long time I found she still hadn't removed me from any of it, even things on which I could see that she'd still been active.

    So, I had this similar situation as you're experiencing here, and then about a year ago (which was ~3 years after I'd stopped talking to her) I decided to go ahead and contact her again. It was fairly awkward at first, of course, and then we talked about the nonsense that had happened without any fresh grievances or emotional wounds to deal with, and that was that. We went back to just talking and playing games together sometimes, basically just like it had been before the ill-advised relationship thing happened. When I asked her about me just popping up again and how she felt about it, she said that she'd gotten over it and she was just glad to be able to talk to one of her closest friends again.

    And now that we've gotten through the personal anecdote portion of the post, I'd suggest you go ahead and talk to the guy. It'll probably be awkward, maybe a little painful, but he did say he still wanted to be friends and if he meant it then there's no reason it shouldn't still apply today. You could end up with the same thing I got: someone pleased to reconnect with an old friend. You'll never know how it'll go unless you try, and the worst that is likely to happen is that it'll be awkward and you'll drift apart again. Better to try and see and possibly deal with awkwardness than to forever wonder what might have been.
  5. I think you should let him know that you're thinking about him.
  6. Owing up to your mistakes is the adult thing to do. The possibility of it backfiring is always there, but you cannot let a possibility control whether you act like a decent human being or not. You claim to regret your actions and while late might not be great, it's still better than never. If what you're telling us is genuine, you will only foster more regret if you do not say anything to the guy.
  7. I'd say even knowing the risks, it's worth a shot to reach out. He may need time, he may be ready to be friends again that part's up to him. But at least you'll have opened the door again. It sounds like he meant a lot to you and was a positive influence, and I'm a big proponent of keeping the positive people around if you can.
  8. I'd say you should reach out to him. This situation is clearly haunting you, and taking up your time wondering about it and possiblystressing about it. If he hadn't deleted you off of his accounts then he isn't hurt so bad that it is unreasonable for you to reach out to him.

    But the bottom line is what's the worst that can happen? Let's say you reach out to him and say exactly what you wrote above and he says "you know what... you really hurt me and I'm not ready to be friends with you again." At least you'd get some peace from this. At least you'd know how he feels. And at least you'd know in your heart that you apologized for a wrong that you believe you have done to him. In the end I truly believe that only peace can come from it. Maybe not right away, but eventually peace and acceptance. Otherwise, you will always wonder.
  9. I say just go for it, even if you are being selfish that's not necessarily a bad thing; everyone's a bit selfish from time to time, and the results aren't always so negative. In this case, I see no harm in it; whether you contact him out of selfish reasons or selfless ones, it shouldn't affect the outcome at all.

    Honestly, from the sounds of it, he seems like a very forgive kind of guy, so I reckon things'll turn out fine.
  10. Honestly you're already at the point of no longer speaking at the moment, it can't get much worse from attempting to speak again.
    And if it works, you've just reconnected with a good friend. And the fact you haven't been removed on anything? The odds he'd be receptive seems high.

    Plus like Kestrel said, the Adult thing to do would also be to at least apologize.
  11. Though what you did to him in the past was very a bad thing, if you (and him) seem to think friendship is a good thing and is possible, then I would recommend to try to make that happen.

    We all make mistakes! Some mistakes are bigger than others, but as he was the victim in this case, let him determine what your actions will be.
  12. So an update on this...

    A while ago I got the courage to send him an apology, and made it very clear that I didn't expect him to either accept it or reply to me. After about a week of no response, I had made peace with everything, knowing that I'd at least said sorry. Tonight he replied and said he just wasn't sure what to say, but he accepted my apology and had no ill feelings towards me. Not sure where it's going to go from there, but I'm very glad I finally made the decision to go through with it.

    Thank y'all for the encouragement!
    • Like Like x 3
    • Bucket of Rainbows Bucket of Rainbows x 2
  13. I'm glad you're able to make peace with this part of your life. <3
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.