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Wolk

Sparkless
Original poster
LURKER MEMBER
FOLKLORE MEMBER
Invitation Status
  1. Look for groups
  2. Looking for partners
Posting Speed
  1. 1-3 posts per day
  2. One post per day
  3. 1-3 posts per week
Online Availability
1800 - 2200 CET/CEST at weekdays
Writing Levels
  1. Beginner
  2. Elementary
  3. Intermediate
  4. Adept
Preferred Character Gender
  1. Male
  2. Female
Genres
Fantasy, Medieval, Sci-Fi
I was unsure whether to post this here or in Roleplay Help & Writing.
As this is mostly supposed to be a collection of my writing with the intent of getting feedback, this seems to be the correct place.
My writing is beginner-level at best, I have decided to just write something and post it, otherwise I'll just go around in circles.

This is a first draft. Don't know where any of it goes, haven't looked over it again.

She held the blade to his neck. There was no doubt in her eyes that she was doing the right thing. She just knew she was.

"Where is he"

It wasn't a question, but a demand. An implicit order, with which he knew he should comply.

"He - listen, I can't–"
"You can and you will"
He felt the knife pushing against his neck as she pushed the flat of it against him. Of course she wasn't trying to hurt him yet, but still he was ringing for words
"P–Please, I've – I've only been here for like… 5 weeks! Listen, I – I can tell you where he lives?"
A slight push, but then relief
"Where?"
"On Ielis Road, fifth - wait, no, sixth house on the right! Just before the butcher! You know the place?"
"Hmm. Not sure, but you will lead me. Don't get any stupid ideas."

She pushed him away and put away her sword. Unusually, she was about a head taller than him, even though he was tall for himself. Red tinged her dark brown hair, which flowed in distinct waves besides her head, down to her shoulders. No doubt could be had that she had military training. Perhaps she was a mercenary, foot soldier or even woman-at-arms. Her powerful build and confidence when handling weapons would suggest something like that.

"Go."

For a few seconds, Lucius had been standing there with his back against the wall, though to him, it felt like time had frozen until she spoke again. Lost in thoughts, he shook his head and took a brief glance around.

"Yes, of course. Uhm, follow me… but, I'd prefer they don't see me"
"You can go when I know where I need to be."
"Right. Follow me then?"

Elya firmly nudged him forwards, but let up as soon as he started walking. They came out from under a bridge, as raindrops wet their hair and clothes. It was a light drizzle, only streaks in the lantern's lights, whispering, or pattering. The cobbles glistened white as they reflected the moonlight. Perhaps this time, she would finally find what she was looking for?

A blade's edge was pushing into Lucius' throat, only a few degrees off from cutting him. His back pressed against a bridge's cold, mossy cobbles, by the person wielding said blade. Streams of water poured upon the cobbled street beneath his feet, gathering in rivulets, and only the reflection of the red sun glimmered on the wet stones.

The determination in her indigo eyes was like fire, ready to burn him. The way she looked at him, like justice herself, told him she believed, or rather knew, she was doing the right thing, and wouldn't hold back achieving what she wanted. Admirable, but sadly detrimental for him.

"Where is he?" she demanded to know, her voice low and menacing.

Fuck, I knew it! Lucius thought. The moment she pulled the dagger on me, I knew she had it out for Larto. He always gets me buried deep in his shit!

"Wh- Who do you mean?" he lied, as if he didn't know.

She narrowed here eyebrows slightly, but otherwise didn't move a muscle.

"You know who I mean"

"Lerto? He- I can't tell you! If I tell you I'm dead!"

Elya looked down at Lucius, taking in his fear-furrowed brows and the way his eyes desperately darted around, searching for an escape or someone to help him. Or to just evade her stare, just to hide somewhere. But there was nowhere to hide. No one who'd help.

"Perhaps. Perhaps not. You won't find out if you don't tell me," she reminded him with a slight push of the dagger. A trickle of blood ran down the blade's point, as he pulled in air between his teeth.

"Fuck-! Alright, alright! Fuck! I only got here like two week ago, this bastard's been all kinds of trouble."

He took a deep breath, his hands, which have been raised the entire time, lowering slightly.

"Look, he's bunkered down in Blesvik Alley right now, has a room at this place called Racito's Last Funeral. But I don't know if he's there!"

She stared him dead in the eyes, as if to judge the truth in his statement. After a moment, she pulled back slightly, taking the dagger away from his throat, to Lucius' great relief, and sighed.

"Great. Finally. You will lead me there."

Apparently she's used to ordering people around…

"Not like I have a choice, I guess. They'll kill me if they find out what I've done, though."

"Might just be your lucky day, then," Elya said, earning her a raised eyebrow from her victim.

"Go on then. And don't try anything."

He ran his hand across his throat, and wiped the blood away. It wasn't much, since the cut was only a warning. Trying to gather his senses, he cast a brief glance across his near-murderer, as he hadn't had the nerve or opportunity before. The woman in front of him unarguably was some kind of warrior, and one in a commanding position. And although beautiful, it was clear that she has been marked by battle, and maybe life, perhaps in more ways than one. Her hair fell in waves down her shoulders, in a color which he would describe as a fiery auburn, complementing her ivory skin. She also was a head taller than Lucius, who was slightly taller than average in this area. She certainly was hard to forget.

When he glanced towards the right of them, out of the underpass, he could see that the sun had already set, and the raining had stopped. White moonlight now reflected in the small puddles which have gathered upon the stones. Must be a full moon, he thought.

"Right, follow me."

Elya pressed her blade to Lucius' throat, its edge threatening to end his life at any moment. Pinned against a bridge's cold, mossy cobbles, the dampness filling the air, he watched as rain streamed and poured down the cobblestones beneath his feet, gathering in rivulets. Only the reflection of the red sun glimmered on the wet stones. A cruel irony of his impending demise.

In her indigo eyes, her determination was like fire, ready to burn him. The way she looked at him, like an embodiment of justice, made it clear she was determined to achieve her goal, whatever it was. How he got there, he didn't remember, but he wanted to be gone.

"Where is he?" she demanded to know, her voice low and menacing.

Lucius cursed in his mind, for some reason he had known that Larto was to blame for this. Was there a time when he wasn't?

"Wh- Who do you mean?" he lied, as if he didn't know.

She narrowed her eyebrows slightly, but otherwise didn't move a muscle.

"You know who I mean"

"What, Lerto? He- Look, I can't tell you! If I tell you I'm dead!"

Elya looked down at Lucius, taking in his fear-furrowed brows and the way his eyes desperately darted around, searching for an escape or someone to help him. Or to just evade her stare, to hide somewhere.

"Perhaps. Perhaps not. You won't find out if you don't tell me," she reminded him with a slight push of the dagger. Blood trickled down the blade's point, as he pulled in air between his teeth.

"Fuck-! Alright, alright! Fuck! I only got here like two week ago, this bastard's been all kinds of trouble."

He took a deep breath, his sweaty hands, which have been raised the entire time, lowering slightly, as if in surrender.

"Look, he's bunkered down in Blesvik Alley right now, has a room at this place called Racito's Last Funeral. But I don't know if he's there!"
She stared him dead in the eyes, judging the truth in his statement. After a moment, she pulled back slightly, released his throat from the blade, and sighed.

"Great. Finally. You will lead me there."

Lucius exhaled deeply. Apparently she was used to ordering people around.

"Not like I have a choice, I guess. They'll kill me if they find out what I've done, though."

"Might just be your lucky day, then," Elya said, earning a raised eyebrow from her victim.

"Go on then. And don't try anything."

He ran his hand across his throat, and wiped the blood away. It wasn't much, the cut had only been meant as a warning. Shit, he needed those shards from Lerto, but he needed his life even more! Besides, he wasn't going to defend this asshole. Gods above knew he would've rather done anything else than this dirt job. Gathering his senses, he cast a quick glance over his would-be-killer.

The woman towered over him, her strong jawline and high cheekbones lending her an imposing presence. Subtle lines have etched themselves upon her otherwise young face, and a scar marked her across her left eye. Despite that, there was a certain softness and elegance in her features which contrasted with her formidable build. Long, fiery auburn hair fell in waves down her shoulders, framing her ivory skin and bestowing a certain regality to her bearing. She carried herself with the fluid finesse of a dancer, but also with the confidence and poise of a warrior, and it was clear she knew how to command respect.

When he glanced towards the right of them, out of the underpass, he could see that the sun had already set, and the raining had stopped. White moonlight now reflected in the small puddles which had gathered upon the stones. Must be a full moon. Well, at least it's not completely dark.

"Right, follow me."

He had taken a step forwards from the wall, and tugged a few times at his woolen cloak to ged rid of the grime. And although he liked his coat, and there were some spots he still had to clean later, he was glad to be alive for the moment.

"It's just some streets further that way," he said while pointing his thumb to the right, and started walking.
 
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A revision.

EDIT: Moved it to the first post!
 
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Beginner level at best...

So you claim, however after reading this, I'd say you're actually adept level. Just my opinion but I see a lot more than any beginner, and I've read stories for years written by others as I'm also a writer of stories of my own and one of the reasons I got into roleplay.

Keep writing!



 
I agree that this looks adept. There are parts where I feel the writing can be more concise, but I think that amounts more to style. Consider the following and see if you like it. I will say it's always better to write something first than trying to internal editor yourself and not write anything. So again, as above has said too, keep writing!

ex. "A blade's edge was pushing into Lucius' throat, only a few degrees off from cutting him. His back pressed against a bridge's cold, mossy cobbles, by the person wielding said blade."

compare with: "Trapped with his back against the cold, mossy cobblestone wall of a bridge, a blade pressed against Lucius' throat, ready to end his life."

ex. 2 "The determination in her indigo eyes was like fire, ready to burn him. The way she looked at him, like justice herself, told him she believed, or rather knew, she was doing the right thing, and wouldn't hold back achieving what she wanted. Admirable, but sadly detrimental for him."

compare with: "Her indigo eyes burned with righteous conviction, ready to cast him into the fire if she didn't get what she wanted."
 
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Revision time! I probably should stop revising at some point.

EDIT: I was in a bit of a hurry when I posted this, but I wanted to thank you two your feedback and kind words :)
I already had revised some of the mentioned lines already at the time of your writing, but I've incorporated your suggestions as well.

I've also decided to edit further revisions into the post of the first draft, to aid clarity.
 
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A haze of radiance rose in veils from earthen cracks
Red and blue, yellow and green,
A vast array of colors she'd never seen.
Through air it climbed, quietly, raw, primal,
To its rightful end, its destination, final.

In starry night it unfolded, a blanket upon the onyx
Where those who behold it would feel its harmonics
And waves of power imbued upon it
Decided fates of the world it bonded
 
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