SFW Jokes!

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Minibit, Mar 20, 2016.

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  1. SFW In this thread means no dirty, dark, racist, or otherwise offensive jokes! I need more jokes I can safely tell at work and to my more conservative friends!

    Bring 'em on; I'll add mine when I'm not thumb-typing
     
  2. I can teach you an improv pun joke
     
  3. knock knock who's there orange orange who orange you glad i didn't say banana
     
  4. Well...

    There goes like the entirety of my repertoire.
     
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  5. I had a joke about farmland, but now I realize it would probably be corny.

    I was enjoying a baseball game, but something troubled me. The ball seemed to be growing bigger and bigger. I thought frantically about the underlying cause, then it hit me.
     
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  6. What concert cost 45 cents? 50 Cent with Nickleback.
     
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  7. Why did Adele cross the road?
    To say HELLO FROM THE OTHER SIIIIIIIDEEE

    How do you fit fifty bulbasaurs in a compact car?
    You poke 'em on.

    A man attends a charity auction, and begins bidding on a parrot. He calls out
    "One thousand!"
    And hears in response
    "Two Thousand!"
    And so he bids more, and again the opponent counters. Finally he wins the parrot for an exhorbitant price. Collecting it, he grumbles "For this price, I sure hope he can talk."
    "Of course," says the auctioneer, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

    A man taught his parrot to speak, but it would only swear. Afraid the bird might offend someone, he sought advice to curb its habit. A friend advised him to put the bird in the freezer for a minute after the next time it swore, and so he tried it. He carefully timed the discipline, and when he opened the freezer door, the bird squawked
    "I'm so sorry! I'll never swear again!"
    "Darn right" the man said, amazed that the trick had worked.
    "By the way," the parrot added nervously, "What did the chicken do?"

    A rich man hired a blonde to paint his porch. He gave her some buckets of paint and a brush and went inside. About an hour later, she knocked on the door and said it was done. As he was marvelling at the speed of her work, she added "by the way, it's not a Porsche, it's a Mercedes."

    How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change

    How many dbz characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    Just one but it'll take five episodes

    Did you hear about the two cargo ships that collided?
    One was carrying red paint and the other blue paint; all the sailors were marooned.

    Did you hear about the hole in the wall around the nudist colony?
    Local police are looking into it

    Did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground?
    Well, well, well!

    Did you hear the one about the pizza?
    Nevermind, it's too cheesy

    Where did the general hide his armies?
    In his sleevies!

    How does Hitler tie his shoes?
    Vith leetle nazis!

    Why do chicken coops have two doors?
    If they had four they would be chicken sedans!

    Why do seagulls stay by the sea?
    If they stayed by the bay they'd be bagels!

    What do you call a hen staring at some lettuce?
    Chicken sees a salad

    What do you call a cow lying down?
    Ground beef

    What do you call a guy lying in front of the door
    Matt

    What do you call two guys sitting over a window
    Kurt and Rod

    What do you call a woman with one leg?
    Eileen

    What do you call a woman with two legs?
    Noleen

    How much does a polar bear weigh?
    Enough to break the ice

    Why are writers always cold?
    They're surrounded by drafts

    How do you console the grammar police?
    They're, there, their

    What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
    Beer nuts are $2.50 and Deer nuts are under a buck

    What's red, and smells like blue paint?
    Red paint

    A young man was very nervous about taking his date to prom. He went to the tailor's and there was a long line to get a tux, so he waited patiently. Then he went to the florist's, and there was a long line to get flowers, so he waited patiently. Afterward, he went to the car rental, and there was a long line to book a limousine, so he waited patiently. Then prom night came. He looked snappy in his suit, his date loved the flowers, and after they danced, she asked him to get them some drinks. So he went to the refreshments table and there was no punchline.
     
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  8. *See's Joke Thread*
    *See's practically every single good joke isn't allowed*

    All you've left us with is Puns. :(
    I know puns are cheesy, but they make you feel grate.
     
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  9. What do you call a deer without eyes?
    No eye deer.
     
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  10. Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

    Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

    Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

    Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

    And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
     
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  11. Knock Knock...
    Who's there?
    Doctor.
    Doctor Who?
    Just The Doctor.

    Not even sure if it's a joke. :p
     
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  12. How did the hipster burn his tongue?

    Spoiler
    He ate his dinner before it was cool.
     
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  13. Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.

    How many absurdists does it take to change a lightbulb? Fish.

    How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two: one to change it and one to analyze the deeply phallic nature of the act and explain how it reveals the first psychologist's obsession with his own mother.
     
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  14. hahah- oh....


    :(
     
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  15. They should have went with penis envy. It would have been better suited. >_>

    Just saying....
     
  16. That's a version of this joke that I've heard, but I went with the less ribald version due to the SFW request. :P
     
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