Why did Adele cross the road?
To say HELLO FROM THE OTHER SIIIIIIIDEEE
How do you fit fifty bulbasaurs in a compact car?
You poke 'em on.
A man attends a charity auction, and begins bidding on a parrot. He calls out
"One thousand!"
And hears in response
"Two Thousand!"
And so he bids more, and again the opponent counters. Finally he wins the parrot for an exhorbitant price. Collecting it, he grumbles "For this price, I sure hope he can talk."
"Of course," says the auctioneer, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"
A man taught his parrot to speak, but it would only swear. Afraid the bird might offend someone, he sought advice to curb its habit. A friend advised him to put the bird in the freezer for a minute after the next time it swore, and so he tried it. He carefully timed the discipline, and when he opened the freezer door, the bird squawked
"I'm so sorry! I'll never swear again!"
"Darn right" the man said, amazed that the trick had worked.
"By the way," the parrot added nervously, "What did the chicken do?"
A rich man hired a blonde to paint his porch. He gave her some buckets of paint and a brush and went inside. About an hour later, she knocked on the door and said it was done. As he was marvelling at the speed of her work, she added "by the way, it's not a Porsche, it's a Mercedes."
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change
How many dbz characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one but it'll take five episodes
Did you hear about the two cargo ships that collided?
One was carrying red paint and the other blue paint; all the sailors were marooned.
Did you hear about the hole in the wall around the nudist colony?
Local police are looking into it
Did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well!
Did you hear the one about the pizza?
Nevermind, it's too cheesy
Where did the general hide his armies?
In his sleevies!
How does Hitler tie his shoes?
Vith leetle nazis!
Why do chicken coops have two doors?
If they had four they would be chicken sedans!
Why do seagulls stay by the sea?
If they stayed by the bay they'd be bagels!
What do you call a hen staring at some lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad
What do you call a cow lying down?
Ground beef
What do you call a guy lying in front of the door
Matt
What do you call two guys sitting over a window
Kurt and Rod
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen
What do you call a woman with two legs?
Noleen
How much does a polar bear weigh?
Enough to break the ice
Why are writers always cold?
They're surrounded by drafts
How do you console the grammar police?
They're, there, their
What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50 and Deer nuts are under a buck
What's red, and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
A young man was very nervous about taking his date to prom. He went to the tailor's and there was a long line to get a tux, so he waited patiently. Then he went to the florist's, and there was a long line to get flowers, so he waited patiently. Afterward, he went to the car rental, and there was a long line to book a limousine, so he waited patiently. Then prom night came. He looked snappy in his suit, his date loved the flowers, and after they danced, she asked him to get them some drinks. So he went to the refreshments table and there was no punchline.
