Sex Positive philosophy ( Social Views and expectations as adults) Not explicit!

Yuki40

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(If this is not allowed im assumed it will be taken down and that is okay, I plan to express views here and kinda of test limits on what everyone thinks is normal (Not explicit!) as its confusing in America and out societies standards on sex. plus its an easy platform

So here is my view on sex, and Some people agree and some dont!

Here is my BIggest Delima and I honestly just think im me, SO I am a Lesbain African American Female, I come from a community that values a lot of commitment to sex. I dont understand why that is.

The fact that sex has to come with so Much Commitment tied on top of it makes me Nervous. I am someone who In my twenties, has two jobs, and is in school full time. I dont want to or need to commit to a relationship in which im finically or emotionally invested in at this time in my life. I have had friends with Benefits Situations but They are few and far between and some would say that kind of relationship is unfair or unhealthy, but I disagree, not everyone wants to jump into a relationship all the time, and if I have had a friend and we find physical attraction to each other and choose to explore that without engaging in a relationship I find that okay, with boundaries and Proper behavior as (Friends) between the two of you regardless of the fact your having sex with said person.

Some people find my View of sex Wrong, and Here it is:

For me, sex is Biological as it was purely when we did it back in the cave man times. We did it to progress the species and also because it felt good and I doubted there was any emotional attachment, as mammals as much as we love to think it, we do not mate for life, we just dont.

Now I am not saying we are incapable either, but to have that constant expectation that if you have sex your in it for life as I know some people seem doesn't vibe with me all that well.

My main solution to this is to simply not have sex. The view most woman I have asked and heard from (No sexual relations with them just questions) and society seem to have though is that sex requires some kind of commitment and emotional attachment, and if that is what you need that is fine and okay and im not even saying that is wrong, but i dont like feeling like im some kind of Maniac for wanting to engage with someone physically without bending the knee XD (Yeah reference enjoy it)

Im sex Positive in the aspect that I can have sex without it being a huge part of my being or having it affect me on a deeper level when it comes to my fellow girls, im happy to have sex and dont need a reason or rhyme to do so as long as I do it safely i dont find that wrong either, and if someone doesn't have sex all the time and wants the relationship they can still be sex positive too! In the end what im trying to understand is why society seems to wrap this up this way for like half of the females.

If you have sex with someone but aren't with them, there seems to be this vibe that you two are slutty or dirty in some cases based on how some people react, I dont hang around with those people obviously XD but just based on reaction/ what I've heard from friends. Things get tough when ever anyone talks about sex in any shape or form. I dont understand that either, Its such a delicate topic but its such a simple thing, Sex inst some amazing thing for me(I dont mean bad sex I mean socially XD I dont look up to it), sometimes its gross (humans have bodily fluids XD), a Little funny and Silly even, but Between Porn and Societal expections I feel like alot of people seem to hold it on this ...weird level of highness, its certainly not required to live and I find food and shelter much more important, like people, say they need to have A, B, C to have sex and for it to be good and all that stuff.

I just dont get it!! XD

I have no intention to just use someone for sex either, which is what I feel like a lot of people misunderstand when i talk about sex without commitment. You can have sex with someone, not commit and still have a healthy normal relationship with that person if you both agree to boundaries and maintain rules.

, I still respect that friend as a Person, we would still hang out as friends and they would be treated with respect, and no not everyone can maintain a friend with benefits relationship in a way that is healthy for both parties but I dont see why that has to affect me socially in what works for me and what doesn't for others.


(I say would in the paragraph above (Not because some freakish negative thing happened between us LOL) because with any friends with Benefits relationship (at least with mine) unless your both very comfortable, prolonged Benefits can be unreasonable depending on where that person is in their life, and its simple communication that ends it, no drama, its just done, With proper communication!!!

Usually, a timeline is agreed upon to keep from getting attached since its fair that both of you dont go into this thinking its just gonna be that way forever! Also not to mention one or both of you can be or will be dating other people in the future and relations will cease. Friendship can return to normal, that friend or yourself can decide whether or not they want you to meet said partner or not (as their friend) and what is done is done

Its like a weird Whirpool of madness, If you want sex but not a relationship people see you as some sex hungry fiend, or just a lustful creeper sometimes, its even worse with men but I get some of that, given the 3 decades of history where we woman were basically sold off as Portable holes to f**k (reference), but its not the current men's fault that all happened, still its a sensitive thing to even brush so im gonna move on.

as a woman myself I can see the reasonable appeal in lack of commitment but also to still want physical in Intimacy, which is defined as Familiarity or Friendship, and Closeness, but that doesn't have to be defined as a deep romantic relationship.

Even talking about sex or making my intentions clear sometimes in like playing with fire, and I am not always understanding why?

Not everyone has the same view as I do, hence why we all have our social values but I dont think I should be shamed or put down by mine either just because I dont value sex as highly as everyone else does, I still got to talk to some people about all this too see what is what, but I dont like the pressure people give to get into a relationship if you do want to have sex, I might be happy with my arrangement and doing just fine and I think that is okay XD.

There has to be a Neutral way of going about this!

Let me know what you guys think, given the situation I really dont think its that abnormal and am I honestly the only girl that seems to want this? Most people keep telling me woman dont want that, but I am a woman and I do so I find that highly untrue! XD
 
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I don't think you're in the minority in your view. I feel the same way you do. I think society at large is drifting toward thsi view as well. We have a very big "hook up culture" now (at least in the USA) which is slowly taking off its taboo status. Of course some states/areas are moving slower than others in that regard, but no, your view is not abnormal.

There's a lot of things that contribute to the view that sex needs to only happen in a committed relationship, but I think the primary one is simply lack of proper sexual education. Especially in the USA, we teach abstinence only sex ed in many places, and this fosters a very puritanical view of sex, with undercurrents of sex and lust and all that being very bad things. I grew up in the Bible Belt myself, and despite my own views of sex (that being you don't need a relationship to have sex) I still struggle with a lot of weird feelings about sex myself. It's just ingrained from my shit childhood/sex ed, and it's hard to unlearn. I'm far from alone in my experiences there.

So you have people who genuinely believe sex = commitment, but then you have this other segment of people who maybe don't 100% jive with that view, but their first instinct upon hearing a different one is "Wow that's disgusting!" because of the fear of the unknown, or the automatic repeal of things that are different.

And this all comes from those several little things that add up. Sex should be about commitment because:
- risk of pregnancy (and lack of birth control or lack of belief in using contraception)
- risk of STIs (+ extremely bad education regarding STIs and how dangerous [or not] they are)
- bad education regarding condom efficiency
- sex/lust/etc is sinful (sex outside of marriage is also sinful) and other such religious ideals
I'm sure there's more I'm forgetting.

In your example specifically, you say you're a black lesbian. Well blacks have their own culture regarding sex and I'm not super familiar with it but I'm pretty sure it's more conservative than non-blacks at the moment. All the risks of sex have been amplified for blacks, due to the risk of poverty and the statistical probability of the father walking out. If a black woman has a baby she has been historically seriously screwed, so it's no wonder that the community would not want girls to be having no strings attached sex because of that risk.

But none of that really applies to you, because you're a lesbian. But the view about sex is the majority and it surrounds you, and it subconsciously affects everyone. You grow up with certain ideals/expectations, and a lot of people will have those ingrained views regardless if they actually apply or not. Take, for instance, God. USA was founded by christians, the predominant religion is Christianity. There are a very large portion of the US citizens that don't believe in God, however. Still, "Bless you," "Oh my god!", are common figures of speech, even if you're non-christian. No it doesn't mean the same thing as it originally did to the christians, but you're still using it, so on some level, you're aware. This is how societal ideals can affect us.

But lesbians and gays have another thing working against them: An incredibly shallow dating pool.

There are some lesbians who look down on casual sex because if everyone is having casual sex, then it gets really difficult to find someone who is a.) willing to date them and/or b.) actually dating them wouldn't be hella awkward because they screwed your ex or something. We also shouldn't discount the view of more conservative people who want partners who haven't "been around the block" per se. Some want to climb the sex experience mountain together, and that comes increasingly difficult when everyone's having casual sex instead.

So there's tons of reasons why not everyone's on the casual sex bandwagon. And a lot of gut reactions to different points of view is to rebuke it at first, which comes out in the form of insults usually.
And a lot of people just simple aren't mature about sex. They form feelings (which may be out of their control) and they get attached and clingy etc.

I'm not sure where I was going with this to be honest, but there are some of the reasons why people think differently, whether they want to or not, but also I'd like to re-iterate that, again, I don't think you're in the minority anymore (at least not when talking about the USA as a whole) and that perhaps it's just your local community that is highly conservative in this view point.

Hope this all makes sense and helps in some way.
 
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Yes helpful thank you! Yeah culture is a big part of it, i mean u summed it up. My and my sister both had our dads walk out the difference being were mixed and that just starts a whole ball of wax in the black community XD

I won't get into that cuse its not related but its a big thing trying to find i identity in two completely different cultures sometimes both with extremely different beliefs or opposing veiws on both sides.

Anyway thanks for answering and reading to the end, honestly i feel crazy sometimes. My mother is white and very up to date on society (she loves news) even she seems shocked at some of my veiws despite her having multiple partners as i grew up and having me and my sister out of wedlock XD also i was an accident (as you said due to poor proper education and lack of birth control usage) XD

But yeah shallow doesnt help and i dont discount them either but i see what u mean, its fair to want to do that. I honestly never ever wanted to go on a sex journey with someone who had inexpirance due to my own (more explicit so i wont get into that) specific anatomy and sex can be very painful for me otherwise so i didnt want to play with fire there but shit happens regardless. I respect other woman might not have that fear or problem and i get that but yeah community XD

I think when i get older and more established with a career ,i gotta move closer to the city since their is a more positive hook up vibe as you mentioned till then im just gonna settle for now and wait if i make a friend and it happens fine if i just want a friend without it that is good for me too.

I thank you again! Im glad someone understands.
 
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Sounds a bit like your mom wants you to have a better life than she did! She might just be worried for you.
 
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Yeah that is probably true, me and my mom got issues going way back but i know sometimes she still does care.
 
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