[Samuel x Roman]

s a m u e l

Roman wasn't just sad about Hadley's death. He was worrying about death as a whole. Samuel felt his heart sink a little. It was sad. He new Roman always thought about death, but it was often his own. Samuel hadn't ever really heard him properly express the fear of people dying before him at this point, or the idea of getting old and dying because of that. It had always been him afraid of missing out on life because of his illness. But Samuel wasn't sure if this was any better.

"Roman, listen to me, okay? No one else is going to die in a long time, I promise,"
he couldn't promise that, not at all. Life happened as it did, and they had no control over it, and it was the same when it came to death. Eventually Roman's parents would die, and Samuel's mum and Ollie would too. People got older and then they died. There was no getting around that. Thinking about it made Samuel feel heavy, and he didn't even want to imagine the kids dying before him or Roman. So if this is what Roman had been thinking about the last couple of weeks he understood why he had been so down. Any one would be if all they could think about if their loved ones dying. Samuel would too.

Normally though , he liked to view it differently. Rather than to think they they were getting older and closer to death he tried to think about all of the amazing time they had spent with his family and friends, that if he didn't grow older he wouldn't get that. He was sue that one day he would start to realise time was running out and he wouldn't have many of those days left. But at the moment he could still view it in a positive way. He just wished Roman could too.

"We can't go our entire lives worrying about death. That's not living Roman. I know it's hard because of Hadley, and I know I can't just magically make you not think about these things I just..." he trailed off and tried to think of something to still, gently rubbing Roman's back as he did, "... The way I see it, being at a halfway point is really amazing. Yeah were closer to getting old, but getting old is a part of life, and I love life right now. Life with you and the kids. And I know you do too. If we didn't live every day and if we didn't come closer to death we wouldn't get to live? If that makes sense. It's scary that we can't know what will happen but worrying about it and thinking about it until you can't stop it wont change the facts... I... I dunno, I wish I knew how I could make you feel better."
 
r o m a n

Samuel was making promises that he couldn't keep by saying that no one was going to die for a long time. But holy shit, did he wished that that was true. Roman had honestly had this issue playing on the back of his mind since he had turned forty. He couldn't help but reflect on how much closer they were all inching to death, and it was just a harsh reality they had to deal with. But it was fucking terrifying as well.

He understood what Samuel was saying, and he didn't think that he was wrong, either. But it wasn't like he was exactly in control of his mental faculties when he was this miserable. It wasn't like he completely lost the plot or anything, but his ability to think rationally was certainly compromised. Especially when he was anxious about something he couldn't control.

"It just makes me worried that I'm not spending enough time with my family,"
Roman mumbled. He sat up, away from Samuel, and ran his distressed hands through his silky hair. "Like I don't talk to my mum and dad enough, or my aunts and uncles, or even Brooklyn -- he's almost fifty -- and I'm just so worried about the time slipping away before I have the chance to catch up with it."
 
s a m u e l

"Well we can't spend every moment with the people we love just because we might lose them," Samuel said with a small sigh. He knew Roman knew that and that his worries went deeper. Had they lived with Stellan, Ingrid and Brooklyn and his family Roman would have probably still felt similar things, "we can go see family more often if you want. Driving down to Marlborough isn't that much of a hassle, especially not now when the kids are older. And I'm sure Brooklyn and Chelsea will have us over,"

Samuel let out a small sigh, wishing he could just make this all better. But this was something that really bothered Roman, and probably had for years, it was just finally bubbling over. And Samuel felt kind of bad, like he should have known. Roman had been so worried about growing older and he had been expressing his fear of death before. Maybe if he had realized he would have been able to do something... But he didn't even know what that would be.

"But will that really change anything?" h
e asked, because he was afraid it wouldn't. He definitely didn't think visiting family more was a bad thing, but he doubted it would make Roman stop worrying about death. Maybe time was all they could hope for would fix things in this scenario. "We can't do anything abut death, we can't stop it... It just happens?"
 
r o m a n
Samuel's little pep talk honestly wasn't helping much at all, but the worst part was that Roman knew he was right. They couldn't prevent or avoid death, it just wasn't possible and as scary as that thought was, it was a harsh reality they just had too deal with. They couldn't avoid these inescapable parts of life. It was just something they had to face when the time came.

Roman sniffled and wiped his cheeks. He hated crying, and he always had, but he knew it was better to let your emotions out than keep them pent-up inside of you. "You're right," he mumbled. Normally he didn't have a problem conceding to his husband -- his stubbornness was something he had overcome long ago. But in this scenario, he wished Samuel had been wrong.

"I can sort of see the appeal in religion through this,"
Roman said, a sentence he never thought would come out of his mouth. "Like, it must be nice to believe that your loved ones go somewhere after their time runs out here."
 
s a m u e l

"Yeah I was thinking about that at the funeral," Samuel admitted. Obviously that wasn't a good time to bring up faith with Roman, and Samuel would have never done it now either, not unless Roman prompted the conversation.Which he had and that was honestly a little surprising. But Samuel wasn't opposed to it. Roman's stubborn views on religion made it so they didn't ever talk about it, more often than not, at least in the context of their family, it did more harm than it did good..

"Maybe... And don't get mad at me, I'm just trying to help," S
amuel didn't sound afraid that his husband would snap, if he did he did and that was fine, he was already upset. But he just wanted him to listen even if the subject was something he didn't like it, because right now he was down in a slump and nothing Samuel would normally say could really help him. No it'll get better and just give it some time could change a fact of life. So he was just trying to approach it from an angle, "--maybe you're not allowing yourself to process death properly because you've shut yourself in this box where you can't accept anything but fact. It's harder when you can't sugar coat it with everyone happy and conscious in heaven, and like, even worldviews like the things Eden is talking about is not based in science so even if it's nice to think that people's souls lives on it's not something that will help you. But there might still be value in reflecting over things similar to that?"

He was definitely not suggesting Roman just give up his entire world view and jump aboard some religion to process the death of his uncle. It just didn't work like that and as much as Samuel a much higher bar for religious acceptance in his own life he wasn't even sure if Roman being passionately into religion would be good for anyone.

"The whole idea of death being nothingness is left is depressing and it's not something people like to think about until we're forced to. So maybe we can like try to view it differently?"
he tried, he sounded really unsure, clearly not really knowing what conclusion he was getting to, "like, when we die we don't just die, we become a part of nature again. Hadley's buried on the farm, he'll always be a part of that, literally given enough time. It's a little morbid but I also think it's kind of beautiful in a way? And it makes it feel like death can at least have some purpose even if it's small." he let out a small sigh, "Sorry, I don't know if I'm even helping,"
 
r o m a n
It wasn't exactly facts that Roman was so particular about -- it was religion specifically. He believed in religious equality, and if someone wanted to support a faith he wouldn't argue with them. But when it came to individual people using religion as an excuse to be cunts, that was what got him riled up. And in his personal experience, the majority of religious people he had met were that way inclined.

The exceptions were there, and he had colleagues and friends who were religious. But then it came down to the intrinsic nature of at the very least Catholicism, which was founded so heavily on hypocrisy and lies and inhumane treatment that it made Roman feel sick to his stomach. It was Christian faiths that Roman generally associated the afterlife with, which was why Samuel was correct. He was unwilling to see death as anything but morbid because he was unwilling to see things from another point of view.

He listened to Samuel as he spoke, trying to absorb his words into his misery-soaked mind. He liked the idea of the deceased becoming a part of nature again. Roman didn't know how long it took for that to happen, but he did know that a dead body would eventually become part of the soil and thus, they were never truly gone. Of course, they were gone in consciousness. But they were never truly absent from the lives of others, as long as their memories could continue.

Roman sighed, leaned in close to Samuel, and pressed a wet kiss to his lips. "I love you," he mumbled. "Thank you for helping me put things into perspective."

Roman nuzzled his husband's shoulder a little, before shifting so they were back into their original position. "I swear, you secretly underwent a counselling course before you married me so you could always help me deal with my shit."
 
s a m u e l

"Oh no, I'm totally busted, shit,"
Samuel said in a slightly amused tone, what Roman was saying was pretty funny. But honestly, the reason Samuel had become so good at talking to Roman about things that pulled him down was just that he knew him so well.

This time though he didn't really know if he had helped. Roman wasn't crying anymore and he had received that sweet kiss but that didn't mean that everything was better for the long run. Roman could, and probably would, be sad again tomorrow. Samuel could only hope he had helped in steering Roman's thoughts down a better path, or at least allowed him to vent some pent up feelings he needed to get out before he cold move on.

He kissed the top of Roman's arm and held his arm sturdily around him, "Let's go to sleep," he murmured, it was always nice to sleep after a big cry like that, "but don't keep this kind of stuff from me, okay? I love you and I just want to be able to help you,"
 
r o m a n
There would never be a day where Roman wasn't ridiculously appreciative of his husband and the way he cared for him. Samuel was just such a blessing, and Roman felt so fortunate to have been able to secure such a lovely person to spend his life with. The past decades they had been together had been so special and amazing specifically because of the wonderful man he had married. And Roman was incapable of forgetting that.

"Okay,"
Roman murmured, pressing another loving kiss to the other's lips. He felt bad for having worried Samuel about this, but it was all out now, and they didn't need to worry about it unless Roman found himself unable to cope with it still.

Which he sincerely hoped didn't happen. He didn't want to have to see a psychologist for something different.

Regardless, that night, he slept wrapped in the arms of the love of his life, which acted like a blanket to keep all the bad thoughts away. When he woke up, he was still a little sad. But he was able to think of his sadness in a different way, which was the first step along the road to recovery.
 
m a t t h e w

Matthew had in all honesty put that situation with Cameron almost completely out of his mind when they left Gabi and his place that day when they told them Elissa was pregnant. Sure they had made sure to have Gabi keep them updated and make sure he was alright but he was honestly the last thing on Matthew's mind.

So far the pregnancy was going decently, but definitely not perfectly, far from as well as it had been when Elisa was pregnant with Will. Will, who they still hadn't told but were finally talking about telling. Sure things were still a little rocky, but they were starting to get to a point where they would kind of have to tell people before they figured out themselves. And even if Elissa was a little tired Matthew wanted her to have the joy of telling her son and her family be herself, or with his help. He felt like it was just one of those things that maybe could turn what was proving to be difficult into a better situation. Better, not happier, because it was already pretty happy. Even if it was scary Matthew was just excited about their little baby, and he could tell Elissa was too.

So he did his best just to help Elissa out as much as he could. He had put his writing half on hold just to take over most of her half of all the chores around the house, unless she volunteered to cook dinner or something that didn't take too much effort. But today was just a day like any and so Matthew had completely taken over cooking duty and was going all in to make some veggie burgers from scratch.
 
e l i s s a
Everything had been going just fine. Elissa had been seeing a doctor regularly and according to him, her pregnancy was going along as smoothly as it could, given her age. She was being careful, even more so than she had been when she had been pregnant with Will. Not because she felt any stronger about this particular child, but because she hadn't needed to be as tentative when she had been young.

Everything was going along swimmingly. But when Elissa pulled down her underwear to go to the bathroom and saw that they were soaked with blood, she just knew that something was wrong.

"...MATTHEW!"
she shouted, just as she felt a sharp pain in her abdomen, bad enough to cause her to let out a small moan as she sunk to the floor. Will was at a friend's place so she didn't worry about scaring him -- she probably wouldn't have worried in that moment anyway, because a blanket of pure terror had settled over her, and she couldn't do anything but burst into hysterical tears.

Leaning against the bathroom cabinet, she looked down at the tiles to see a small pool of blood had formed beneath her, and another sharp pain was produced. Elissa was panicking, and she could hardly breathe. She knew what was happening. But she couldn't admit it to herself.
 
m a t t h e w

The moment he heard Elissa's voice calling out, loudly and panicked, Matthew dropped everything he was doing, literally just let go of garlic he had been about to press and bolted towards her voice. Elissa wouldn't yell like that for nothing.

He arrived to te bathroom, throwing open the door to find the worst thing he could have found. Elissa. And blood. She was bleeding. Her and the baby. Fuck. He fell down on his knees next to her withing seconds, grabbing her and pulling her into his arms with shaky hands, "It's alright, I'm here," he mumbled, his voice cracking, breaking through the flat tone it always had. Elissas sobs were heart shattering and also terrifying but he had not time to even reflect over what ifs. And fished his phone out of his pocket and he dialed the number to an ambulance.

Somewhere along the line he started to cry, but between half panicked but quiet sobs he managed to choke out that his pregnant wife was bleeding and their adress and that they needed to come quick. He didn't say it but in the back of his mind he was screaming the words 'I can't lose them.'

He hung up and kept Elissa close still, "It's alright, there's and ambulance on the way, you'll be okay,"
 
e l i s s a
It wasn't going to be alright. Elissa knew that none of this was going to be alright, because she was bleeding and the baby was hurt. Cameron's words flooded back into her mind, and her sobs intensified as she mentally accepted the fact that ... that her baby was ...

... Her baby was gone.

The ambulance came and Elissa was rushed to the hospital, where she was thoroughly examined. None of the doctors wanted to tell her what she already knew, but eventually they did, and even if Elissa knew it, it still killed her to hear it aloud. She was given medication to staunch the pain and speed up the process, having been told that it could potentially last for a few days if it did not.

A few hours later, Elissa was laying in a hospital bed, and she looked terrible. Her skin was pale and clammy, and her face was gaunt and haggard. She was hurting all over, not just in her uterus, and her mental pain was excruciating. She had been so happy, but that happiness had been stolen from her.

Matthew hadn't been allowed in while she had been getting cleaned up, but now that everything was done, the nurse let him into the room. Elissa looked up at him but said or did nothing. She had nothing to say. She was hurting so bad.
 
m a t t h e w

The wait for the ambulance was devastating, so was the ride to the hospital and the wait outside. Matthew did know what was going on, he understood it. He understood that the baby was.... He understood what was happening and his heart was breaking, there was a part of him that just waited to lay down on the ground and sob his eyes out, but when he was left to the silence of the waiting room he instead started to pace back and forth anxiously. It wasn't just the baby, it was Elissa. Elissa could be hurt, seriously hurt, he didn't know exactly what was going on just because he knew what was happening. Even the idea of losing his wife made him feel sick, made him angry with himself for not telling her not to go through with it.

It felt like he was out there pacing, holding back tears, for hours but after a while the nurse came out to talk to him. Elissa was fine. The baby was not. His feelings turned into a mixture of relief and heartbreak that he hated. At least he was allowed in to see her.

Elissa looked... Terrible. She didn't say anything, just gave him a look that somehow was both miserable and almost expressionless. Matthew didn't know what to do, they had both lost their child but she had been the one carrying it, and she didn't have that relief Matthew have. He pulled a chair to her bed and grabbed hand, held it tightly and leaned down to kiss her forehead, "I'm so glad you're okay," his voice broke, feelings pouring out in his tone but he wasn't going to stop it. He didn't care.
 
e l i s s a
"...I'm not okay," Elissa said hoarsely.

How, in any aspect of the word, could she possibly be okay when she had just miscarried her child? How could she be okay, when she had felt the vestiges of the little human she had so stupidly fallen in love with leaving her body, far too soon, and without the life and joy Will had been filled with? She wasn't okay, and she didn't know if she ever would be again.

Perhaps that was a bit drastic, but it was how she felt in that moment and she didn't think that would go away anytime soon.

Regardless, she squeezed Matthew's hand and met his eyes with her own. She loved him, more than she loved anyone else in the entire world, and she knew he was hurting too. But he was at least happy that she had survived. In that moment, she wished she had died instead of their unborn child.

She opened her mouth to say something, but whatever she had been about to vocalise died on her lips and gave way to tears. Her face crumpled with sadness and she turned it into the pillow, unable to do anything else other than hopelessly sob into the course hospital fabric, because she felt so futile and so empty in that moment. Like whatever happiness she had been privy to before had bled out of her along with the baby.
 
m a t t h e w​

If Elissa's words didn't break his heart, or if it wasn't already broken the moment he saw her in the bathroom, it certainly broke when he saw her break into tears. And it was enough for Matthew's eyes to well over too. He hated every part of this. He hated seeing Elisa so broken, and so sick and he hated the idea that their little baby was... Was gone. And he couldn't do anything about it, he couldn't do anything to make Elissa feel okay in that moment, just like he knew no one could make him feel completely okay now.

But he had to be there for Elissa. Elissa couldn't hang on to the one positive thing Matthew could.

He got out of his seat and sat down on the side of her bed instead so he could reach out and pull her into a wordless hug. There was nothing to say but at least he could hold her while she cried. And while he cried. In that moment Elissa was the one thing that could soothe his own feelings, but he wasn't sure if the reverse was true. But he had to try.
 
h a r p e r
Since Harper had come out, his life ... honestly, it hadn't been much different. His family didn't treat him differently at all, which he had expected, but still, it was nice. He had told his friends, too, and a couple of them had shunned him, but most hadn't cared and so they had stuck around. It made Harper happy to know that the people he cared about did so enough to accept him for his newly discovered sexuality.

Hugo had been living with them for months, and that was perfectly okay. Harper understood that something bad had happened to him, but he didn't ask because he didn't want to make the boy uncomfortable. He trusted his parents and if they said that Hugo needed to stay, then that was enough for Harper. And besides, he kind of liked having another kid in the house. It was always fun.

Presently, Dad and Papa were upstairs in their bedroom, and the kids were all sitting in the living room watching a movie. That was fine, but Harper was a little bit bored. He wanted to see what else they could do to occupy themselves. And then he got an idea.

"Hey, guys ... do you wanna make a pillowfort?"
he asked his siblings and Hugo. "Like, we can bring down our blankets and stuff from our beds and use the couches as walls and whatnot."
 
e d e n

It wasn't always Eden looked back at the year that had been and felt like it had been great and this one really hadn't been perfect. He had gotten picked on in school and Letha's friend Hugo had ended up not being able to live at home anymore which was sad and then Daddy's uncle Hadley had passed away and Daddy had been sad and it had been awful. But all in all he saw it as a good year. Mostly because he actually had a friend now. He had had friends before obviously, he had his siblings and Stella's friends and maybe a couple of people in grade school he could talk to. But Marisol was definitely different and it made him actually excited about things like school now.

So the year had been pretty good.

And as always he had had a lot of fun with his siblings. That was good too. And clearly they would keep having fun. They were all getting older now, Eden knew that, and he was a little scared that one day they wouldn't do the same kind of things they used to, but that didn't seem to be happening yet as Harper interrupted their movie watching session with the suggestion of building a pillow fort.

"Ohh yeah!! Let's do that!" Stella was quick to agree to do something spontaneous as usual. Eden wanted to do it too but was a little more hesitant as he instead asked, "I dunno, maybe we should ask Daddy and Papa first, they might not want us to drag everything down here?"

Stella of course, rolled her eyes and then looked at Harper as if to ask him to convince him for her.
 
h a r p e r
"C'mon, Edie, it'll be fine," Harper told his little brother. It was perhaps a good thing Eden was so cautious about rules, because it meant he was less likely to just go and flippantly break them in the future. Harper didn't want his baby brother to break any laws or anything like that. But at the same time, he wished Eden could loosen up a little in situations like this. Of course he wouldn't say that, and it didn't change the way he loved his sibling. But it would just make things easier sometime.

"Look, we don't want to bother Daddy and Papa, and as long as we put everything back in its sport when we're done then I don't think they'll have a problem with us building a pillow fort," Harper reasoned. It was often his responsibility to convince his siblings to do things, and he tried to be responsible and ensure they were good things. Admittedly he had led them astray a few times. But he doubted this was one of those occasions.

"And even if we get in trouble, Harper will take all the blame because it was his idea," Letha giggled.

Harper rolled his eyes, but nodded. "Yeah, I will," he said honestly. He wasn't the type to hand off the responsibility of things he did onto other people. "What do you say, then, Edie?"
 
e d e n

No matter Harper's reasoning Eden still felt a little hesitant, though he kind of knew that he would give in eventually already. He did most of the times Harper tried to convince him to do things. Because Harper was usually pretty reasonable, and he was responsible and the oldest. And it was like Letha said, if they did get in trouble Harper did kind of get the blame. Maybe that was a selfish to feel like he was on board just because he wouldn't get in trouble, but he seriously hated getting in trouble and he got in trouble all the time when it was his own fault, he didn't wanna get blame for someone else's idea.

"... Alright, as long as we don't make like a huge mess or anything," Eden said finally and Stella let out a "yes!" even though she probably would have done it without his blessing as well. She followed that up with, "alright let's go," taking charge even though it was Harper's idea, and thus all the kids got out of the couch and made their way up the stairs.

Well there Eden hesitated a little again, saying they would bring a bunch of things downstairs was one thing, actually doing it was another and it probably would be a mess if they didn't structure it a little, "What stuff should we bring down anyways?"
 
h a r p e r
Harper always tried to be respectful of Eden and his opinions. Even if he was a little difficult to work with sometimes, Harper knew he had to be patient with his baby brother and he saw no point in getting short with him anyway. Harper didn't like to cause problems in the household. He just liked it when everyone got along.

But of course, it was nice when Eden agreed, because they wouldn't have any difficulties constructing the fort and Eden would get to have fun with them. The kids all began to make their way up the stairs. Most of the bedrooms were on the second floor, except for Hugo's which was on the top with Daddy's and Papa's, so it would be relatively easy to get everything into the living room.

"Just grab your blankets and your cushions, Edie,"
Harper prompted, before dashing into his own room and emerging with his covers and his pillows. He just dropped everything over the railing and watched as it landed on the floor of the first storey. Then he turned to Edie. "Do you want some help?"