[Samuel x Roman]

s a m u e l

Clearly leaving the rose on Hadley's grave was a very hard thing to do. But Samuel also knew it was an important thing to do. Roman would deeply regret it if he had ended up not doing it. It was sad, really sad, hearing the tears in his husband's voice as he said goodbye to his uncle. But it was also beautiful. The reason why this moment was so heart shattering was because there wasn't a single person there who seemingly had anything bad to say about Hadley at all. He had been a good man, and his friends and his family all loved him dearly.

When they arrived back at their seats Samuel was crying too, he wasn't sure if it was for Hadley or for the people who had lost him, or maybe it was just because his husband and son was crying. Maybe all the reasons factored into it. But he cried, silently, as her held Roman with one arm and pulled Harper close with the other.

Soon enough everyone had placed their roses and the ceremony was wrapped upp. Samuel helped his husband and son up and kept them close as they, along with the other guests slowly walked away from the area. Next would be the reception, which Samuel hoped would allow people to feel a little happier as they remembered the wonderful person Hadley had been. But first there would be a small window of time for everyone to recollect. Hadley's closest family, his wife, kids and an odd grandchild or two, had stayed behind to get a moment alone to say goodbye.

After getting some distance between themselves and the are the ceremony had been held in Samuel pulled Roman and Harper aside a little and wrapped them both into a nice family group hug, "are you two holding up okay?" Samuel asked them softly, not letting go just yet, they both seemed like they needed the comfort right now.
 
r o m a n
Roman had never really understood the concept of wakes. It just seemed wrong to be celebrating when someone had died. He knew that they were meant to be celebrating the person's life, but right now, when Roman was sobbing over the death of his uncle and left to agonise over the fact that he would never see that smile again, the absolute last thing he wanted to do was engage in meaningless small talk.

But he trudged along anyway, because it was what was expected of him and he didn't really have a choice in the matter. Roman clung to his husband, though, and was grateful when he stopped to hug both himself and Harper before they went inside. It was nice, to have this physical closeness when he needed it the most.

"I'm fine, Papa," Harper said, his face red and his eyes puffy. He didn't look fine, but he was trying to be strong, and Roman loved him for it.

He didn't say anything himself, though, because in no capacity of the word could Roman say that he was fine. That would be a lie. And he didn't want to say that in front of Harper and make him feel worse. So all he could do was just hold his husband and son close, close his eyes, and wish that he was anywhere else but there in that moment.
 
m a t t h e w

It had been about a month since Elissa announced she was pregnant and it was finally really starting to sink in that they were having another baby. Matthew, though still very scared for his wife's health was starting to feel excited abut it. Will would get to have a little brother and sister, and he and Elissa would get to take care of and raise and love another little kid.

While there hadn't been any missteps so far they had decided to kept it on the down-low for the time being. They weren't telling will until Elissa was properly showing, nor would they make a big announcement of it. In fact none of their friends really knew as of yet. It'd just be worse if something happened and they had already gotten happy and excited for them. Matthew doubted they would keep it completely to themselves if something did happen, because he had learnt over the years that that wasn't healthy.

And he supposed not telling anyone about the pregnancy or their worries surrounding it at all wasn't all that healthy either, so when they had gotten invited over to Gabi and Cameron's they had decided together that mentioning the news would be fine.

The arrived at about lunchtime a weekend. Emma-Marie was with Kebi and Jojo was playing with some friends apparently, so it would just be the adults. Before they knocked on the door though, Matthew put his arms on Elissa's shoulders and calmly asked, "are you sure you want to tell them, because we don't have to," he wasn't sure if he was doubting the idea of telling people or if he wanted to make sure Elissa didn't do something she didn't want. But it couldn't hurt to double check.
 
e l i s s a
Elissa agreed with Matthew that it was best if they keep their news on the down low for the time being. It would be unfair and heartbreaking for them to tell everyone they knew, get their hopes up, and then be forced to tell them if something bad happened. But she couldn't control her own excitement -- every morning she woke up and was flushed with joy when she remembered that she was carrying a tiny human inside her womb.

So when the opportunity arose for them to break the news to Cameron and Gabi, she was more than willing to do so. She felt like she was going to explode if she didn't tell someone. That day, she dressed in a loose-fitting burgundy sweater over comfortable blue jeans and red flats, with her blonde hair cascading down her waist in its usual waves.

She nodded when Matthew once again tried to make sure that she was certain in her decision. "It's okay," she assured him with a smile. "I want to do this."

Soon, Cameron opened the door. He had simultaneously changed a lot and not changed at all, which was strange, but true. He still had long, curly brown hair, tired eyes and a cute face, but that face had lines, and his hair was now kept back in a stylish bun at the back of his head. He smiled when he saw them. "Hey, guys, come on in."
 
m a t t h e w​

Matthew thanked Cameron for letting them in. Sometimes he was still unsure how to hand Cameron. He frustrated him so much sometimes, but on most occasions he felt like they were some kind of friends. They were similar in many ways, and not in others and they just clashed. But Gabi was still his best friend and he just found that after years of spending time with the man they had learnt to tolerate each other and then later appreciate each other's company.

There were still days where they were better off in different rooms though. Matthew hoped today didn't have to be one of those.

"Hey!" Gabi greeted them happily as they stepped into the kitchen. She looked happy as ever, dressed comfortably over nicely as she kept track of something in the oven, "I hope you're hungry, we're having lasagna,"

"Yeah, we didn't eat before we left," Matthew said and pulled out a chair for Elissa. It wasn't like she could do it herself, but almost the moment after she announced she was pregnant he had fallen back into the habits he had developed while Elissa had been in the later parts of her pregnancy when the help had been more needed.
 
e l i s s a
"Thank you, sweetie," Elissa said to Matthew as he pulled a chair out for her. She was more than capable of doing it herself, but she couldn't deny the fact that she liked being doted on a little. It could never hurt to receive a little extra attention in this risky time, either.

Cameron noticed this gesture, though, and gave it a small frown, evidently not understanding why Matthew had done it. Elissa could tell that it wasn't because he didn't understand affection, but because Matthew was acting as though she was particularly fragile, which Elissa Harris-Quinn certainly was not. He neglected to comment, though, which Elissa was glad for, because she wanted a chance to just check in with her friends before breaking the news.

She said yes to Gabi's offer of lasange and soon a plate of the stuff was placed in front of her. She happily tucked in as she chatted with Gabi and Cameron about things going on in their lives -- the kids, work, and similar topics. After a while, though, she shot a meaningful look to Matthew, prompting him to break their news.
 
m a t t h e w​

Matthew of course noticed Cameron's frown and it annoyed him quite a bit, because he felt like the frown indicated that he thought he understood Elissa's situation better. Yes Elissa was a person who was very much capable of taking care of herself, even when pregnant, but just because Cameron could memorize every piece of information he saw didn't mean he knew what was going on in their lives. But he didn't say anything and just got seated himself.

He chatted and had a good time, Gabi was always the life of the party, even when it was just a small gathering lik this, and she didn't allow for a moment to occur where things could go south for Cameron or Matthew.

Soon enough Elissa signaled that she wanted to tell their friends. Matthew let the right lull in conversation appear before he cleared his voice a little and said, "So we have some news," Gabi raised and eyebrow, clearly listening with some curiosity. Matthew hesitated just a moment as he tried to think about how to say it but then just went for it hin his normal monotonous tone that didn't really speak of how he felt about the situation "We're-- Elissa is pregnant,"

Things were silent for a second before Gabi said, "What?" clearly surprised, "hang on did you plan this?" this obviously wouldn't have been her reaction if they were younger.

"No but... We're making the best of it and we're really excited," Matthew clarified, and turned to Elissa with a small smile, grabbing her hand and squeezing it.

"Well then, congratulations, I'm happy for you," the smile Gabi had on her face was soft, maybe a little concerned, but she mostly seemed to understand that the couple had probably discussed any dangers and Matthew knew that if she wondered anything that might be upsetting to Elissa she would just text him about it later.
 
e l i s s a
Elissa certainly hadn't been expecting warm and excited congratulations from their friends, but she couldn't deny that their reaction was a tad disheartening. It was so obvious, from Gabi's concern and Cameron's shocked expression, that they both thought that this was dangerous. She did as well. But she was committed to this pregnancy, and she hoped they understood that.

"Thank you,"
Elissa said sweetly to Gabi when she eventually congratulated them. She opened her mouth to say something else, but Cameron cut her off.

"I'm sorry," he said tentatively, "but you've looked into the risks, right?"

Elissa turned to him, her eyes wide and somewhat nervous. She could tell where this was heading, and while she knew everything he was going to say was true, she still didn't particularly want to hear them. "Yeah, we did, but we --"

"It's very dangerous for you, Elissa,"
Cameron continued. "34 percent of pregnancies over the age of forty end in miscarriage, and the effects of that miscarriage can be disastrous for the woman. And even if you make it past the first trimester, your chances of developing gestational diabetes or hypertension or high blood pressure are astronomically increased -- not to mention the genetic risks posed on the baby, it's really --"

Cameron was abruptly cut off when Elissa burst into tears. She hadn't been expecting to do so, but due to her pregnancy she was a lot more emotional than normal and thus she couldn't help it. She grabbed a napkin off the table and pressed it to her eyes as a horrified expression crossed Cameron's face. "Oh my God, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to --"
 
m a t t h e w

Matthew's mouth practically fell agape as Cameron actually dared to take the moment to start spewing out statistic. Horrible statistics at that. It was enough to bring Elissa to tears and for Matthew to literally feel himself lose grip on his stoic facade. First he of course put an arm around Elissa and held her closer, but then he turned to Cameron.

"Can't you control yourself for once?" Matthew practically spat angrily. He knew anger wasn't going to help Elissa in that moment, but he was kind f a hypocrite because sometimes he was like Cameron and just kind of let the words on his mind out without thinking of the consequences.

"Matthew, you know it just happens sometimes--" Gabi started to both try to defend her husband and make things less heated.

Matthew recognized that he needed to keep his own anger under wrap, or at least not let it his emotions get explosive, so he took a deep breath and made sure what he felt kept hidden under his usual layer of monotony and flat speech, "That's not an excuse," he said, firmly, but not angrily, "We know all the risks, we've seen the statistics, and we already worry about the statistics. We have been keeping this to ourselves because we know the risks and we don't want to drag people into this in and get people's hopes up in case something happens. We haven't even told Will. But we didn't want to keep it entirely to ourselves because that wouldn't have been healthy. Maybe we should have gone to someone else. I doubt Samuel or Roman would have thrown out anything like that the first thing they did." But Samuel and Roman wasn't Gabi and Cameron, and they had gone to Gabi and Cameron for a reason. Jojo and Will were literally born on the same day, Gabi and Elissa had had each other for every step of their pregnancy, and as much as Matthew hated to admit it, Cameron already being a dad had been able to help him with things he didn't know how to handle.
 
e l i s s a

As soon as she started to cry, Elissa felt terrible because she knew Cameron hadn't meant to cause her any harm, and now she was creating problems with her over-emotional state. If she hadn't been this fragile in that moment she probably wouldn't have cared, because she knew what Cameron's incredible mind made him do sometimes, and she wasn't in a position to hold him accountable for any of that.

But Matthew had already chewed him out so there was nothing she could say to make the situation better. Instead, she pressed her forehead to Matthew's shoulder as she composed herself. She felt like a child, but she would be lying if she said that the statistics Cameron provided hadn't actually scared her.

"I'm sorry,"
Cameron pleaded. Elissa took a peek at him to see that his face had gone white, and he had hidden his face in one of his hands out of shame.

"It's okay ..."


"No, it's not, Elissa, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make you upset.
 
m a t t h e w

"But you did." Matthew insisted. He knew he was going on hard and that now maybe wasn't the time. But he also knew that Elissa was a really forgiving person and she would said what Cameron did was okay even if it wasn't. Matthew didn't care how overactive Cameron's mind was. It wasn't an excuse, he was an adult and he needed to take responsibility for his actions. And Matthew knew the same was true for himself, he couldn't just keep blaming his own bad behaviour on things like his upbringing. He needed to take a step back and look at situations from a bit of a distance and determine if his criticism and whatnot was valid and not assume himself as right all the time.

"I don't care who you are, or how hard it is for you to not do things like that. You're an adult, maybe it's time to learn how to hold back," Gabi looked upset and had placed a hand on Cameron's back. Matthew wasn't sure if she didn't protest because she thought his emotions were valid or because she was waiting for him to get it out of his system. Maybe it was the latter because she was married to him after all and Matthew knew that what he was saying was probably a little harsh despite keeping the same tone of voice.

But Matthew did not think it wasn't justified. Even if he hadn't made Elissa cry, even if it had been to another woman entirely, it would have been an awful thing to do. And if people just said it was okay and excused him he would just keep at it.

"You know what you didn't say? The fact that about sixty percent of the pregnancies doesn't end in miscarriage? And clearly you knew that statistic if you knew the opposite so if you had just taken one second to think about what you were saying you could have at least framed it differently."
 
e l i s s a
“Matthew,” Elissa complained softly. She understood that Cameron had issues with compulsions, and spitting out statistics as he did was one of them. She didn’t blame him for what he said, he couldn’t exactly help it. But she didn’t have the energy or the resolve to scold Matthew for telling Cameron off in that moment.

And besides, what he had actually said had been indeed very hurtful to her, and she was still recovering.

“Look, I didn’t mean to make her upset and I know I should have thought about it before I said it,” Cameron agreed. “But it’s not just a matter of choice for me sometimes. You know that, right? It’d be the same thing as telling Roman not to have an anxiety attack, or telling Samuel not to have flashbacks when he’s stressed. It’s not something I can control all of the time.”

Cameron pushed a hand through his hair. “But you’re right, I should try to think more before I say things. It’s just when I’m having bad days I can’t exactly stop it.”

“It’s okay,” Elissa said softly.

“It isn’t,” Cameron disagreed. “Matthew’s right, I should get better control over myself.”
 
m a t t h e w

"Yes you should. You're not incapable of progress." Matthew said firmly. He understood what they came from with Samuel and Roman, but their episodes didn't hurt anyone, at least not in the sense that they said hurtful things and both of them had been working really hard to get better for years. Matthew was sure Cameron wasn't one to refuse to try, and he probably did make sure things didn't let slip on good days. But it was frustrating because everyone, including Elissa a lot of the time, seemed to act as if it was such an inherent part of his personality that he was incapable of working on it and thus it should just be accepted and seen as okay. And if no one ever called him out on it he wouldn't.

Matthew turned to Elissa for a second, "I know this isn't the right time to make a fuss about this, and I'm sorry for turning it into something," he squeezed her a little closer. he kind of hated that he was probably stressing her out, she didn't need more negative emotions, but he also felt like what he was saying was important and he wanted the others to understand.

"But the thing is, it's a reason. Not an excuse. We don't have to, or shouldn't, sit here and say it's okay, when it wasn't, just because he can't control it. Just because a person is struggling with something doesn't mean they are above other people and can do whatever they want."
he explained his reasoning, mostly to Gabi and Elissa, because Cameron seemed to at least get that what he had done wasn't okay. And Gabi though still silent and with a hand on her husbands back nodded upon getting that Matthew's outrage wasn't just pent up anger directed at Cameron. Maybe it was a little bit of that, but also as his friend he thought it was better that Cameron got to hear this.
 
e l i s s a
Elissa knew that Matthew genuinely believed in what he was saying, and while that had been a problem for him in the past considering he was often wrong without realising it, in this case, he wasn't really the one who was incorrect. Of course, Cameron didn't have control over what he said a lot of the time. But even he seemed to accept that when he was having good days, or at least days that weren't particularly bad, he could stop himself from blurting out harmful things with enough effort.

"Excuse me," Cameron said quietly. His hands were twitching, not out of anger but due to his hyperactivity, and Elissa knew he was going to go outside to smoke. Perhaps if he had done that beforehand, they could have avoided all of this mess.

Elissa sniffled wiped her cheeks free of tears, and leaned over to kiss Matthew on the cheek. "I love you, and I know you were just trying to help him understand, but really, I'm fine," she assured him. She just needed him to know that she hadn't been drastically effected by what Cameron had said.

She turned to Gabi then, and asked her with genuine concern in her voice, "Has he been having bad days recently?"
 
m a t t h e w

Matthew looked as Cameron stood up to leave.He wondered if he had possibly pushed things a little too far, and did feel a little bad. He knew him excusing himself was to smoke when he was overwhelmed and it wasn't like Matthew wanted to make Cameron overwhelmed. He just wanted t make his point and he had so he didn't really regret it. Maybe he'd apologize for pushing so hard later. But he wouldn't apologize about what he had said.

Elissa still insisted that she was fine and Matthew really believed her. She was a strong person. A really strong one. She could handle worse and in a way he supposed maybe him telling Cameron off was less about her and more about Cameron at least it seemed to have turned to that. Even if Elissa said she was fine Matthew kept his arm around her. Fine didn't mean she couldn't use some comfort after being brought to tears.

"yeah," Gabi responded to Elissa's question and Matthew turned to listen to her for now, "I mean, he has definitely been worse, or we wouldn't have had you over you know, but still," She shrugged a little, looking slightly sad.

"Sorry if I might have made it worse," Matthew said, he liked seeing Gabi sad just as little as he liked seeing Elissa sad.

"It's alright... I think a lot of it was pretty valid... It might be worth talking about at some point when he's feeling better?"
Better in this case definitely didn't mean when he came back in from his smoke but when he was at a better mental state in general, "but you know what? We've barely even talked about the important thing," she but on a bit of a smile again, "You're having another kid? That's crazy! How far along are you?"
 
e l i s s a
Elissa knew that she had made mistakes in the past when she had defended Matthew when he had been pedantic or overly critical. It had always just led to more drama, and while she wholeheartedly believed it was important to support your partner, she also believed that there was no use allowing them to continue to believe that they were in the right, when they were so clearly in the wrong.

Now was one of the rare times when Matthew's lengthy critical tangents was actually justified, but Elissa didn't want to say anything, because she sort of felt like what he had been saying was less for her and more for him to express his opinion on Matthew for once. She had no doubt it had begun out of defence for her, but at the same time ... she couldn't be sure that was why he had continued. Especially when she had assured him that it was fine.

So she was incredibly grateful when he apologised and Gabi changed the subject. The topic of conversation had been reverted back to their happy baby news, and Elissa laid a hand over her still-flat stomach, as she had done so many times when she had been pregnant with Will. It was scary, and it posed so many risks as Cameron had so brashly pointed out.

But there was not one ounce of Elissa that was not looking forward to meeting her new little child when the time came.
 
S a m u e l​

While Hadley’s death had affected everyone in the family, made everyone a little sadder and a little quieter than usual, the house not really bustling with the life as it usually did, it had really hit Roman the hardest.

This was not really a surprise, Hadley had been his uncle after all and he was the one who had had the closest relationship with him in the Hemlock-Ortega household. The thing was that it really seemed to be bringing him down. Samuel hadn’t expected Roman to just bounce back as if nothing had happened after the funeral was over, and he had given him time to grieve and he had been a shoulder to cry on when his husband needed it. But the problem was that it seemed like Roman was stuck. Samuel knee him well he knew when something was bothering him and bringing him down, and as much as time healed all wound sometimes people just needed a push.

It was a regular Friday evening, bordering on night. The kids were asleep, hopefully at least, they had all kind of realized that bedtimes only existed if their parents knew they were awake but they’d often check on them to make sure and they tended to go to bed when they should. Samuel and Roman were not sleeping though. They were cuddled up in bed, the credits of a movie rolling. Samuel has kept his arm around Roman’s shoulders throughout, allowing his husband to lean on him as they had watched the movie. Now was the time Samuel had decided to talk to Roman about it all and he didn’t even hesitate to do so, though he made sure to keep his voice soft.

“...Roman, I know you’re still sad about Hadley, and that’s okay,” he said after things had been quiet for a while after the movie, “but if something more or something about it is bothering you I really want to know,”
 
r o m a n
In the weeks following Hadley's death, Roman had definitely been in a slump. His mental health had fluctuated over the years, ranging from very happy to very miserable, and right now it was leaning towards the lower end of the spectrum. That was just something he had constantly had to deal with over the course of his life.​
But this particular slump seemed worse, somehow, than all the others. Perhaps it was because it had been caused by factors external to his own mental health, and therefore, he lacked the same kind of control he had had in the past. Of course he had never had full control, but if it was something to do with his anxiety or his phobia, then normally, he could overcome it with the right supports.​
Now, though? Roman had his husband, and he had the other things he turned to when he was down. But this was just too much. It was exceeding his ability to cope because his uncle had died, and he was at the age where he was closer to death than he was to his youth. So, he was thinking about it more often, and that made him sad.​
Presently, he was watching the credits of the movie he and Samuel had just finished, but his eyes were out of focus and his mind was somewhere else. In fact, he hadn't even noticed that the movie had ended until Samuel had spoken to him. He jerked back into consciousness suddenly, and listened to his husband's words with a sort of detachment prevalent in his mind. He was there physically, but mentally, he felt like he was on another planet.​
But he was close enough to actually hear what Samuel was saying. He opened his mouth to say something, but all that came out was a sob, and he pressed his face into his husband's chest in a feeble attempt to escape from the world.​
 
s a m u e l

Samuel's eyes widened when Roman just kind of broke down. Tears weren't unexpected, but for his request for his husband to explain what was wrong to turn into this wasn't really what he thought would happen.

But expectations didn't mater and Samuel wrapped his arms around Roman and held him close. He let one hand gently run through Roman's soft hair and he leaned his head down to give it a soft kiss before gently shushing him, almost as if he were a kid. He murmured a soft "It's okay," and kept holding him. He understood that Hadley's death had been hard but he couldn't really fathom what made him act like this.

He let Roman cry until he seemed a little calmer at which Samuel, still very soulfully said, "Roman, love, please tell me what's wrong,"
 
r o m a n
It was strange -- when Roman was a teenager, he had hardly cried at all. He knew now that that was because he had kept his emotions pent-up inside of him, without allowing them a way of being released. But it was still odd to think that he cried more now, as a fully-grown adult, than he ever had when he had been a child.

He cried into Samuel's chest for what felt like ages, unable to control himself as all the dark and harmful thoughts he had been plagued with over the last few weeks suddenly and unexpectedly began to flow into his brain. Perhaps he had been keeping things bottled up again. Perhaps that was the cause of the misery he was feeling at the moment.

"I ... I just ..."
Roman had managed to calm himself down to the point where he could at least breathe and speak coherently, but he still felt so sad. "I just can't stop remembering my cousins' faces at the funeral, and how s - sad they were about their dad dying, and I ..."

Roman sniffled again, and held onto Samuel a bit tighter. "It made me think of what it'll be like when my mum and dad die, or when our friends die. Or if you die before me, or ... or ... or if the kids --" The thought of his children dying before him was so horrific that Roman cut himself off with a weird little choking noise. "We're ... we're just closer to death than we are to our youth, Samuel, and that's really really scary."