WRITING Sample/Teaser for Story Concept

Discussion in 'SHOWCASING' started by The Dapper Mog, Jun 17, 2016.

  1. Hello, everyone. I've had story ideas popping around inside my head for a long time, but, I can just never find the motivation to really work on them. I also have a great difficulty starting and organizing my thoughts properly. However, I think maybe if I can drum up some interest and maybe a little critiquing, I could pass that hurdle and actually get some work done.

    So, in that regard, I'm going to post below a little sample scene from one of the concepts I want to write, and I would appreciate any opinions and such. If I can get enough interest, I'm hoping that I can actually write more of it. If I do, I'll gradually add more segments until I can finally get to organizing and writing the actual project. The sample is below.

    Thanks in advance for any help and/or reading!


    The knock at my office door had shaken me out of the trance-like state I was in, my eyes still focused on the leather-bound book in front of me. I cleared my throat while closing the book, sliding open the drawer of my desk, placing the book inside before closing it.

    "Come on in." I announced.

    A creaking filled the room as the wooden door opened, enabling a young man to enter, closing it behind him. His eyes almost immediately fell onto the messy state of my desk, the half-empty whiskey bottle somehow sticking out like a sore thumb. His gaze moved to me, something of a judgmental look crossing his features before his expression softened.


    I grunted a greeting and adjusted in my chair, leaning back slightly while crossing my arms. I already knew why he was here. This case was killing me. Almost literally. Still, that wasn't the worst of it. Managing my career while also tending to my other "duties" was akin to recurring suicide.

    "The coroner's report came in. Just like the last couple bodies, there were strange circumstances. Seemingly drowned in his apartment in the middle of his living room. Not a drop of water anywhere around him aside from what had leaked from his body."

    I nodded grimly, grabbing the whiskey bottle to pour myself a drink, taking a quick shot.

    "Yeah. I thought so." I grumbled.

    "You thought so? Do you know how this is happening?" He questioned.

    I glanced solemly at my now empty glass, wondering just how much information I could share with him. There were a lot of things out there that most people just didn't understand. I really couldn't afford to rip the veil away from just anyone I came across. My response came slowly, in a foreboding tone.

    "I have a good idea. You won't like it though."

    His expression hardened, his eyes narrowing as he looked at me quizically. He spoke with determination.

    "Tell me."
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  2. The rain hammered down on the roof of the small building. The cheap metal shack barely provided any shelter at all, it was surprising that even a homeless man would try to stay in here. I stood over a pile of cold flesh that used to be a man, his now lifeless body seemed bloated and slightly discolored. He really did look like a drowning victim, yet, there wasn't a drop of water inside the shack, aside from the streaks of drying water that barely showed on his skin. It appeared that water had been leaking from several of his orifices, including his eyes, ears, mouth, nose, and I gathered other locations I didn't want to think about.

    It was a little difficult to gauge or estimate his age, but, he was definitely younger than me. How does a man find himself in such a situation? All alone in the world without a penny to his name and nowhere to go. I supposed being alone, I already had that step covered. A soft sigh escaped my lips as I crouched down to take a closer look. He looked healthy, albeit filthy, aside from the obvious. There were very few ways this could have happened, and none of them were good. I hated to do it, but, I had little choice in the matter.

    "To solve an impossible riddle, one must embrace the impossible."

    A smokey voice whispered in my ear, the sound sending a scraping sensation through my skull and down my spine. The alcohol usually seemed to quiet the voice, but, never enough. I inwardly told the voice to shut the hell up, that I didn't need it's help to solve this case. I could hear a strange sort of spastic hissing that I could only imagine was the damned thing laughing at me.

    "Need I remind you of our arrangement, Liam? You get your second chance at life in exchange for..."

    I grit my teeth and responded, this time out loud.

    "I know. You don't have to keep bringing it up." I snapped at the disembodied hitchhiker.

    That same sort of hissing followed before that blessed silence returned. My gaze rolled over the waterlogged corpse before me, and I began to wonder if I really could solve this without it's help. After all, this was no ordinary murder. Even the mysterious cause of death aside, something felt wrong. Something was missing. Like, a feeling that should be here, but it just isn't the body seemed so...empty. Wait...

    "Ahhh, now you're getting it, Detective." The voice whispered softly.

    "Yeah..." I began solemnly, swallowing hard at the thought and it's implications.

    "...there aren't any traces of his spirit. It's just gone."