Roleplay improvements and writing.

[CelvestianNesy]

I would like a rating on this kind of roleplay and what I can improve! I would love to learn more about how I could make my stories cool or even advanced. Thanks! :)



On a splendid morning where the blue skies were shrouded in feathery white clouds, with a beaming sun that rose its way through the tall lumps of terrain that the light pierced through the coverage of the woods. Birds of numerous brands chirped into the heavens, filling the forests with melody and song as it had a peaceful atmosphere to it. The mountains far away towered over to the clouds that would cast shadows as the sun was right behind the mountains as it faced the forest. Nesy marched on his way to explore some ruins and he has initiated himself an adventure of his own because he appeared to shake off his boredom over staying at home for long periods of times.

The forest was lush and the tall woods with green leaves on the trees swayed gently with the wind as there were many variations of plants surrounding Nesy as he walked through the vast vegetation. His feet would flatten everything around it causing a trail to be left where the plants on the ground were bent, that produced a noise that sounded like something who stepped on a bunch of sticks. He eventually arrived at a place that had stone pillars scattered around with strange formations unlike anything else. The location was enveloped in a lot of trees and there was moss that grew on some of the rocks that the remains of some form of a temple that was very old or perhaps forgotten.

"...What a strange place." Nesy exclaimed to himself as he began to venture around the wreckage of rocks and what remained of the structure that was once inhabited this place. "...Did this use to be a village?" Thought Nesy as he started to presume that this location was worthy of exploring. "How old is this place?" Nesy would utter to himself while resonating a good explanation to what happened but he couldn't really recognise as the place was astonishingly old. Nesy ached to know more about this place as curiosity began to spread through his entire body, compelled to find out what was behind the mystery of this place. Nevertheless, he looked around a little bit to admire the vast ruins he discovered recently about two days ago.

 

[CalamitousNag]

Hi CelvestianNesy! I first want to ask, was there anything in particular you wanted us to focus on while evaluating this passage? I have some opinions, but if it's not what you were looking to refine, please let me know and I can speak to what you're looking to improve upon.

As far as the setup of this example, you certainly have my interest piqued! We're led step-by-step through the main character's discovery and excitement and it makes me want to learn more about what's been found. I'm also getting this mysterious vibe from it. Great job on conveying this feeling!

I have some suggestions on possible revisions to make the passage you wrote read better. I can tell where extra details were added to each sentence to accurately describe the scene, but some sentences are so heavy with details that I lose track of what's being said. Typically, we tend to associate Advanced writing with detail which is true in some ways; however, the addition of too much detail can mess with the syntax or flow of the story. In this case, it's affecting the sentence-level grammar. It's not that the grammar is wrong, but there's too many things referring to other things in one sentence.

Here's an example of what I mean using the following sentence. I've highlighted the parts where the inserted description starts to interfere with comprehension:

On a splendid morning where the blue skies were shrouded in feathery white clouds, with a beaming sun that rose its way through the tall lumps of terrain that the light pierced through the coverage of the woods.

There's LOADS of great description in this one sentence, but it's hard to follow it because of all the things it's trying to describe. Instead of cramming it all into one sentence, why not just break it up into more sentences? This is the absolute easiest way to fix it. Here's how I'd break up that sentence:

"It was a splendid morning where the blue skies were shrouded in feathery white clouds. A beaming sun rose its way through the tall lumps of terrain. Its light pierced through the coverage of the woods."​

And here's how I would personally write it:

"It was a splendid morning where the blue skies were shrouded in feathery white clouds. A beaming sun rose its way through the tall lumps of terrain, its light piercing through the coverage of the woods."​

Yes, there may be more sentences in both examples now, but it's far more concise.

I personally love detail and you are great at providing it! Just be wary of word-heavy/description-heavy sentences because they can detract from the beauty of the description. While detail is a significant part of Advanced writing, readability is just as important, too.

I hope that helps! And, of course, this is just my two cents. Best of luck in your writing journey, friend!