Demon Shinobi
Aspiring Demonic Mafia Ninja Pirate Dragon God
Original poster
LURKER MEMBER
FOLKLORE MEMBER
- Invitation Status
- Posting Speed
- 1-3 posts per day
- One post per day
- Writing Levels
- Elementary
- Intermediate
- Adept
- Adaptable
- Preferred Character Gender
- Male
- Female
- Genres
- Fantasy, Modern, Romance, Action, Adventure, etc.
Generally, it's what I feel more in the mood for.
@Luminosity
I've already spoken to use. Once you've finished making your changes you can move Akane over to the Character thread.
@Thaleko
For Chitose:
For Imma:
I've already spoken to use. Once you've finished making your changes you can move Akane over to the Character thread.
@Thaleko
- Okay so, first and foremost, where is ramiris from? Probably not Japan I don't think. Europe? UA would definitely accept foreigners, but this should be include in her Sheet.
- You might need to go into detail a bit more as to how a her quirk as a baby could kill her mother. It's not impossible, but with proper medical attention and the like I don't see how that'd be allow to happen. Additionally, Ramiris's quirk wouldn't have been that strong I don't think as a mistress. Chances are her mother had a quirk too or was fairly healthy. Maybe she was sick and a little on the weak side already and the pregnancy as well as Ramiris's quirk only made that worse? I could believe that. But you'd have to add that to the backstory.
- You're not explaining the abilities all that well. What do they do? Take Bloodswarm, for example: Do the bats cut people, or cause blunt force damage by knocking into them? Can they pick stuff up? Specifics are key.
- If her body is producing that much blood, does she like need to drain it from time to time? Where does it all go? Too much blood is also bad. (This could be a weakness of the quirk until she learns to handle it in some way. Do I hear a mission to gain training from Alucard? I think that'd be a cool arc.
- IS BLOODRUSH A ONE PIECE REFERENCE? Probably not, but it does seem a lot like Luffy's Gear Second ability. So I'm assuming it makes her faster and stronger. But that's a very dangerous ability. Should only last a short bit. Doing it too long should wear out her body. Until she gets stronger and gains more control it should be very taxing. That's another weakness right there.
- Overall, she's a GREAT character, but I need a few more specifics.
For Chitose:
- Chitose is pretty cool, but I have some questions about the quirk. Firstly, it seems a bit tough. Like she is becoming the fog, but she can also exist within the fog. I'm a bit iffy on this, but I'm willing to let it slide as I'm sure with enough concentration and learning it would be more than possible and she was trained by a pro.
- Still, if she is able to do that, I'd request you shorten the range down to about 20-30 ft. It's still pretty good if you ask me for a hero in training and given she can also move freely within the fog, practically teleport, and stuff it seems like a fair trade off.
- Additionally, this is a dangerous quirk that could easily be broken in some ways against a physical combatant. So I'm trusting you not to make her impervious to physical damage. IE she can still be hit and has to remain on guard and dodge and move to avoid attacks. She has to consciously do this. She can't just cloud up to avoid attacks. I'm trusting you on that part.
- I have no issues with Eisuke. I'm curious to see how we can develop him. Interesting that Chitose has the inferiority complex though. He honestly seems like the weaker of the two practically speaking.
- I've already discussed in private an alternative. You're character did not get a quirk from All for One (this is mostly for the others to understand).
- That said, on the point of his quirk. As it stands, don't give his blade a specific metal equivalent. It take away from what they would be able to cut through and also takes away from what they can take physical. They aren't regular blades. In a way, they are Organic. Rather, just say that he can transform his arms into various blade.
- With time and training he should be able to alter the sharpness at will.
- Additionally, I believe a fair notion to add is that he has to know what the swords/blades/daggers/etc. he is mimicking are made of. This would make it so that he could potentially learn how to make other blades and more specific weaponry with time, practice and through studying. Like a chain sword, or a vibrating blade (get your minds out of the gutter it cuts through like everything) but these would be very taxing, very difficult and come much later.
- On a different note, based on his life his personality seems to be off. By this I mean, it is a bit contradictory. I think it's the apathy, but I'll probably need to see a bit more how he is played before I suggest any changes to that. In the sense that, our character might not fit every trait after they are actually in game. But I mean, I'm pretty sure apathetic heroes and protags exist, so it's not a big deal.
- Ori I love you. In fact, I love all of you. But I asked for lists in the personality section. Not just you; I've written this more than once
- Aside from his legs, is he any stronger or weaker than a person? Don't he have regular legs or goat legs? If his durability any greater than that of a normal human? These are the questions I have.
- Also, he shall become the Bat-Goat. I just know it.
- I have no qualms. This is mostly because we talked about most stuff already. You can move Takagi to the Character Thread.
- I also have no qualms. Move Misoka to the Character Thread.
- Where is Eli from? With his name, probably not Japan. Or maybe he was raising in Japan? I brought it up for Ramiris I have to bring it up for him.
- We worked on the quirk, though I do think the 300ft radius of motion for the wolf is a bit much at this stage. I don't know why I didn't bring that up before, but it's striking me now that I'm reading everything closely. Maybe shorten it a bit?
- Another important thing I have to bring up. Why did his quirk manifest so late? The MHA world has established that on average children develop their quirks around the ages of 4 or 5 or so. If they don't they probably won't manifest. He'd be a something like a medical marvel. I understand that it might throw off the backstory a bit, but if it were weaker and not as trained it wouldn't change things as much.
- Also, and I really hate to be that guy, but can you match the CS to my format. I provided the code and everything.
- I like Koza's backstory, but bro, 2-5 paragraphs. I'm not really budging on that. Can't accept it without some extension to his back story.
- Also, same thing as with Eli. His quirk manifested really late. How come? If there's a reasonable explanation I don't mind, but I need something.
- His quirk is a little iffy. A point to point speed based quirk is very different from what follows. I believe the best remedy is if he has enhance speed at base, give an example of how fast he can run. A car going 80mph perhaps? Having it as a point to point description makes his speed good for short bursts and continuous use would be almost impossible.
- The cooldown is way too harsh I would argue. I'm all for good weaknesses, but in this case it shouldn't be so long. Lum has proposed he be "quirkless" for half the time of the duration used. I think he shouldn't be unable to use his quirk completely. At least he shouldn't be able to use his physical contact ability to immediately match speed. Only loses access to part of the quirk this way. However, his base speed (if you choose to go that way) should also be reduced by half.
- I don't really have any problems with Asuga. Unless she also was a late bloomer quirk wise. But I just assume since his quirk requires something to channel the power through and a specific emotional state to activate, she wouldn't have found out about it right away. How did she find out about it by the way?
- This is mostly for me not the sheet, though I'd recommend it be added to the sheet. Regardless, aside from answering that question, you can move her to the Character thread.
For Imma:
- Hmm I've discussed the quirk with you before. I already said i would help you change the wording a bit. I haven't gotten to that. But Lum has concerns and our talk was rather productive. The focus was whether or not she should have the eyes and physical quirk. It is called medusa's touch and the eye ability is tough to ground a bit. A good compromise would be focusing on the physical touch primarily, but also making it so she has to activate her medusa stare. This would also make it easier for me to help you with the rewriting of the ability. Would you be okay with this?
- We have a bunch of "villain" parentals/guardians it seems. I'm not penalizing anybody. It's just interesting. But I would like to avoid that more here and there as we go.
- Also, what is it with you guys and your late bloomers? Younger quirk manifestation unless you give a good reason.
- Also, interesting that she's from Greece. That's not a critique, I just like it.
- Since he is like a rechargeable battery, an added weakness should be that he is able to run out of energy if he expends it faster than his body can make it. I think that's what you're getting at with the exhaustion point, but it's not quite the same. So, can he run out?
- Other than this question I have no issues with him overall.
- Why is her name Gladice? What that a personal choice? This isn't a big deal, but I'm curious.
- We've got another late bloomer. But how late? Y'all like your late bloomers huh?
- One to the more important part. I'm not sure I can accept her quirk. First and foremost, it's kind of broken in a number of ways. She can make anything. Without almost any tax on her body outside of it taking a while for depending on the item.
- Her quirk is so dangerous I'm not sure how she didn't accidentally cause a disaster while young. If she did, I'm not sure they would have let her continue to live a normal life, let alone start trying to become a hero without nigh perfect control of it. She's messing with atoms. One wrong move, atomic bomb.
- In short, she feels like Yaomomo dialed up to 11 and beyond. As it stands right now, Idk if I can take her. I really like her character, but for the moment, I just can't. Even if I do like her little bit of Todoroki syndrome with a tough papa.
- I'm not sure that Introverted is the right word to describe him. It's a bit contradictory. Also, you didn't need the little paragraph above the list.
- How does he activate his quirk? It feels just like Recovery Girls, but you don't specify how he causes the activation. Her's is a kiss. Is his a kiss? Is it just skin contact? His hands? Pads on his fingertips like Ochako? Gimme the deets bro.
- First things first, you also don't need the paragraph there in personality.
- How does the suspension end? Time based? Does Setsuna have to do something specific?
- Also, and I know this doesn't seem important, but how is the direction the object will fly decided? By the last hit/strikes placement on the object?
