DISCUSSION Relationship Dealbreaker

Discussion in 'GENERAL CHATTING' started by Kitti, Jan 7, 2017.

  1. Even if the rest of the "usual" categories are fine or better, what things are just dealbreakers for you?
    It doesn't have to be romantic, either. Friendships are relationships too. :)​
     
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  2. The biggest dealbreaker for me would be if someone is purposely conceited, intolerant and goes out of their way to hurt someone else.
     
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  3. Lying is the top deal breaker for me. If you're not honest with me and I find out, I'm not hanging out with you anymore. I can't stress this enough. People seem to think that lying is the best way to get around things, to have great friendships, and be one of the "cool" kids by pretending to be someone you're not. I don't like that. I don't like that at all.
     
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  4. I speak from experience when I say that lying is a really easy and surefire way to ruin relationships.

    Otherwise, as an introvert, my biggest deal breaker is anyone who is too pushy or clingy. If they are unwilling to respect my personal space and give me the alone time I need without making me feel gulity about it first, then I very rapidly lose any interest in them.
     
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  5. Personality trait-wise I find not having a sense of humor, or at least a similar sense of humor a dealbreaker. Others include arrogance, conceitedness, closed-mindedness, being materialistic, and clinginess.

    - If you, and I can not laugh/enjoy things with one another then our relationship (friendship or otherwise) will not go anywhere.
    - There is a fine line between being confident, and being pompous. No one is right all of the time. No.one.
    - Care only about yourself? Sweet, then feel free to go be by yourself. Waaaaay over there, darlin'~
    - Not one to ever at least be open to altering some of your opinions if new, and plausible information is presented to you in a polite/non-aggressive way? Then how can you, and I speak on deep issues, and possibly grow from them? Not saying someone has to change their whole life or even agree. Just be open to new information. Things are constantly changing in this world.
    - Objects aren't everything. I find that where I am people my age are far too interested in name brands, sneakers, the newest tech, etc. Superficial aspects. Always spending their last dollar on something like that despite what they already have being in great condition. Looking presentable is important as an adult, but it is possible to do so without going to extremes.
    - I am not, and have not ever been a person who keeps in contact on a daily basis. Never. However, as a friend that does NOT mean that I do not care. In my mind being someones friend does not equate to constant contact. We're adults now, and busy with work, school, and life. Just exhausted. I can not be friends with someone who cries, whines, and has tantrums over me not texting or messaging them all the time. My good friends, and I can go ages without a word then when we do reach out, and hang out its like we haven't missed a beat <3 Introvert squad~
    We all understand, and no one is salty about it. No need to reaffirm the deep bond we already know that we have.


    As for other dealbreakers:

    - Smoking. I can not take the smell, it makes me nauseous. Even the lingering scent on ones clothing can have an effect.
    Would greatly prefer to not ever hug, and/or kiss someone that smells like an ashtray.
    I make it a point not to, and would never kiss a smoker.
    - Bad hygiene. Again mainly in the realm of scents. We all sweat, point blank, period, but if someone is not bathing on a regular basis, and allowing that that to cling upon them for an extended period of time then no.
     
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  6. Communism.
    I can't stand pompous types. Clingy folk are alright by my standards, but humble people are more trustworthy.
     
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  7. Borderline behavior. Such as "friends" being verbally abusive (constantly) because they want to dominate me/punish me for not caving in. Part of the problem is that I appear soft and sweet on the surface and there are people who seek passive meek individuals. (Edit: such aggressors initially presenting themselves as charming extroverts.)

    In one case -- I forgave an old friend after a long separation, but I still keep them at arm's length, as they are compulsive (can't stop trying every trick in the book to bring me to heel). We went through a lot together and I'm sad for them because I know they obsess.

    Romantic dealbreakers? Where do I began to choose?! I'll pick just one.

    When my partner waits until I've gone to work and then systematically destroys every shred of my creative work. Uh. Dealbreaker!

    I used to write poetry - the real thing, not some piece of flippant tripe I might toss up these days. That was my love. It was well received. That muse is gone now and I don't want it back. It was such a shock at the time. If something like that could splinter two people apart...

    He was also a writer (and artist and a musician). He admitted he did it (we hadn't had a fight or anything) and refused to discuss it, but it seemed he preferred me to be creatively neutered.

    We didn't break up right away; I was kinda in shock, but it did kill something in my heart towards him which would lead me to eventually sever all ties.
     
    #7 Ravenfrost, Jan 7, 2017
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2017
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  8. The biggest deal breakers for me are in a list:

    • A bad sense of humor.
    • Making me feel like a damn idiot when I know I'm not.
    • Pushing for intimacy even when I specifically say I'm not in the mood. I cannot stress this one enough as I thought for sure the last guy was going to force himself on me.
    • Being too selfish.
    • Getting jealous of my best friend whom I've know for 10 years. That there is super petty especially if you're a girl with a best friend who is a girl and your fucking idiot of a boyfriend wants to get pissy because you're paying attention to your friend one night more than him. And the best friend had been staying over at your house on and off for 5 damn years and he just moved in.
    • Putting me in the middle of situations that are between you and another person which I have no part in.
    • Lying. My last boyfriend has some serious mental issues. He told me a story that he swore up and down was true. It was about how he had this girlfriend/fiance and they had a baby girl together and no one knew about them. He moved out of his dad's house to be with this girl and baby only to have them die of different causes. The baby girl died of SIDS and the fiance died either a few months after the girl or two weeks. All a fucking lie.
    • Having anger management issues to the point where you're uncontrollable.
    • Not compromising. You have to come to an agreement sooner or later.
    I'm sure there's more I can list but that's most of it.
     
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  9. - Lying
    - Maliciousness
    - So socially awkward that trying to do anything with you is like pulling teeth.
    - Flaky / can't keep plans / isn't specific about plans so communication is messed up and plans never go according... to plan (very frustrating)
    - Constant Tardiness. If it's more then 5 minutes all the time, you're out. I'm not going to bother anymore.

    Romance-specific:
    - Doesn't let me have alone time
    - Trust issues
    - Untreated mental illness
     
    #9 Vardoger, Jan 7, 2017
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2017
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  10. [​IMG]

    This applies to both romance and friendship btw. Ohhhhhhh boy this is gonna be HUGE!

    1. Bad hygiene. That needs no introduction.
    2. Do NOT cross me or piss me off/annoy me hugely. Or else this will happen:

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    3. Don't even try to act controlling with me or disrespect me. I will cut you down. Respect me and I'll respect you.
    4. COMMUNICATE WITH ME. I am here for a reason! If something is bothering or troubling you, vent to me about it. If you can't talk to your partner or friends about your problems, something's wrong. Lack of communication basically.
    5. Being unreliable. I know everyone has shit of their own to do but I want a rock. Someone I can depend on when I need them most.
    6. Immaturity and entitlement. Just don't.
    7. No common ground. I like to have things in common with the people I hang with. Even if it's something small.
    8. Not giving me space. I need to recharge my batteries people!

    Damn that was a mouthful! Ok I'm done!
     
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  11. I second this.
     
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  12. Well if you're dead? That's a deal breaker, I don't date dead people.
    If you're a dude? That's a deal breaker, I'm straight, sorry.
    If you're a child? Also a deal breaker, I ain't a paedophile either.
    If you're not a member of the human species? Deal breaker... But then how are you reading this in the first place? I should probably be asking this about the dead people too though. :/

    Though you probably want some serious answers, don't you? :P
    Note, I'm going to skip the really obvious ones like being abusive, doesn't care about you etc.
    Also note, I'm focusing strictly on romantic relationships. Since with friendships I can tolerate almost everything to some extent, since I'm not going to have to live with them or anything and get to have plenty of time to myself.

    1. Easily Triggered/Offended
    Dark Humour, Bluntness, Challenging ideas and beliefs, these are all things I consistently do or engage in. Someone whose quick to throw a fit at these things isn't going to last long, at all.

    2. Dishonest
    I don't even mean in the cheating way. I mean even if they're the kind of person who follows sayings like "If you got nothing nice to say, say nothing at all", or "It's better to tell a happy lie than a painful truth". Because suddenly I have no idea if what you're telling me is true or not, which completely destroys our foundation of trust if I've always got to be questioning what you're telling me is true or not, even if the intentions are good.

    3. Prioritises Money & Status over Family & Personal Life
    I've become pretty confident in that even though I don't know what route my life will take me in, it's going to be a route that priorities my ability to learn, see friends, enjoy hobbies, spend time with my (hopefully) future partner and children etc. Someone having a High Demanding Career they care a lot about is highly respectable IF the career involves helping people and/or fighting for a cause, and although that might put a strain on our relationship, I could be willing to make it work. But if their Career is more focused on just making money, getting promotions, and making more money? And increasing their wealth and status becomes their primary goal in life? I want no part in it.

    4. Jealous/Controlling
    I feel I should clarify here at the start I do NOT mean clingy. I actually don't mind clingy, I like feeling like I'm cared for, missed, needed etc. Rather what I'm talking about are the people who don't want their partners to have a social life. Like, although my circle of friends isn't particularly large (Like, 12 people IRL, a few more online) I still have other people I care about and enjoy spending time with, people who I would of known longer than anyone I end up dating or marrying. I'm not going to cut them out of my life cause my partner can't handle me enjoying the company of people other than them. Like, seeing my friends less often? That's to be expected, that's just math and time with everyone having jobs, their own families to see, me spending quality time with my own partner and kids etc. But when something does come up, unless if there's a good reason for it I don't want my partner to be telling me not to go.

    I debated removing this one cause I figured it counted as being an obvious one. But there's enough people who seem perfectly comfortable isolating themselves to just their partner after a marriage that I figured it should still be stated.

    5. Parents as an Authoritarian
    I very much plan to raise my future children to be free and independent thinkers, to examine the evidence, challenge ideas, question authority etc. So having a Partner who simply plans to spill their personal agenda onto our children, and turn them into clones of themselves? Nu-uh... Doesn't even matter if I agree with what you're telling them to think, the issue is that you're telling them what to think, and not teaching them how to think.
     
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  14. Wayyyy back in the day when I was dating, there were way too many dealbreakers for me. The first and biggest one was any sort of drug habit. I came from an area that was plagued with drug abuse and addiction. I watched neighbors have their whole lives destroyed because they never reached the point where they were ready to get help. Even my step-family had issues with it. I just didn't want to deal with that sort of thing in my life when it was already partly in my life.

    Aside from the normal lying, cheating, and abusive types, I really only had a few that were absolute no's. Being a major momma's boy was another one that was a dealbreaker for me. I'm not talking about boys who adore their mom, I'm talking about the types who let their mother's dictate everything in their life and see no problem with it.


    The only other major dealbreaker for me was when a guy was too clingy. I like my personal space. I like being able to breathe without someone in my face. I like having time alone. If a guy couldn't understand that, he had to go.
     
  15. If they kill my father and DON'T prepare to die.

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  16. I'm totally stealing this one.
     
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  17. Being my ex-wife is a big no. :p

    But on a more serious note? All the terrible things that she put me through. I don't do double standards. If you (whoever is my respective partner in the future) expect to have your alone time, I better get mine too. I like doing things that you probably won't engage in. That's fine. I'm sure whoever you are has different priorities as well. I expect that. But if you for a second expect me to drop all of my hobbies for something I don't even like, go away with that nonsense. NOW, that doesn't mean I won't at least try your hobby, see if it's agreeable because that's fair. As long as you do the same for me.

    I can't stand lies and I can't stand liars. I was one, once. And it turns out? I hated that guy. That includes lying by omission, or little white lies. I won't do that to you, so don't for me.
     
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  18. That's my bad.
     
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  19. DAMN IT CERU
     
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  20. Is that limited to just your ex-wife? What about people trying to impersonate her? Are they a no-go too? :P