RANT Your Brains Out #98274

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Posted in a new member's introduction thread. A few hours later, they deleted their account. My face goes from... O_O -> ಠ_ಠ -> T~T -> -_-...

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A good 99% of my friends and family don't know how to keep me updated -.-

When you say "Yeah, i'll be over in 20 minutes ^^" 20 minutes later "Where are ya?" "Oh, I'm eating ^^"
1 hour later- SooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*No reply*
2 FUCKING HOURS LATER!!!!!!
"HOW MANY FUCKING LUNCHES ARE YOU HAVING????!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"I'm playing a game with another friend, you can join if you want."

Or

Me- "Think you can do this quick favor?"
Them- "Yeah, I can totally do that :D :D :D"
3 days later
Me-"Sooooo, how goes it??? :D"
Them- "Oh, I didn't do it."

"Well BOY! THAT INFO WOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD TO KNOW 3 DAYS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"



And my family is even worse.

Me- Keep me updated on my moms condition
Family- Okay ^^
3 months later
Family- Something happened, she's been at the hospital since 2 montsh ago
me- Well BOY!!!!!! THAT INFO WOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD TO KNOW 2 MONTHS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (But even then, its a fragment and I have to ask everyone to piece together everyone's story and decide whats true and what's them trying to "Protect me"

(All is good now with my mom now though, it ended up being EXACTLY WHAT I SAID IT WAS 4 GOD DAMN YEARS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now that people FINALLY listened, she's back to normal)
Like if someone starts acting up during a major meds switch, what is it?
"Ehhhhh, it's just the MS"
"Ehhhhh, it's just added stress"
Me- Yeeessss, those two makes things worse, but IT'S CLEARLY GOD DAMN BAD MED COMBINATIONS!!!!!!!!!!! But fine, wait 4 miserable years to FINALLY fix the issue. (And how is someone who's in 9th grade make that connection yet doctors AND adults cannot?????? DX "Connection doesn't mean correlation" FUCK YOU! SOME CONNECTIONS ARE ABSOLUTE! And I'm not going to play these fallacy games when it comes to my mother.



Let me ask all of you, is it TRULY difficult to keep people updated on simple things?

With my own friends AND family that can keep me updated, I can count them on just one hand, and that pisses me off -.- (Granted that number is more when it comes to super important stuff, but still, I rarely have super important stuff)

Like if you agree to do something, then tell them immediately if you can't do it. Or if you tell them you're gonna keep them updated on something important, then why in the world would you wait 3 whole months to tell them??? And even then, only tell them a small piece of the puzzle they need to piece together by asking everyone to get the full story and issue? (And that's not even different perspectives, they just flat out leave things out that someone else is kind enough to tell me)
 
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This carpal tunnel bullshit needs to stop. I want to art and write, damn it.
 
So I was a pretty big teen titans fan as a kid. Still am. When Teen titans go was announced, we all were excited. Other teen titans fans started coming up from the shadows (One was super cool too) So episode 1 aired and... They all vanished again, and I never saw any of them again DX Like I loose brain cells every time I watch it... Well, they decided to attack us.


THOSE MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!

You know, its bad enough turning teen titans into... THAT! But they title the episode "The return of slade" Knowing it had nothing to do with Slade, but just to get our attention, they knew we would watch it thinking "Slade???? Wonder if they'll do him justice or just make him stupid >.<" But it's not that. In fact, Slade doesn't truly appear in the episode, they try and tell us that we're too blinded by nostalgia to accept the show for what it is. Truth is, we would have actually accepted it... If it had good writing. But no, they decide to piss us off every chance they get.

Like I don't understand HOW they don't understand why we hate teen titans go DX They COULD make it like the original. But no, that would take effort -.- I hate this show, and it's rare that I get to say this, but I REALLY hate the people who made it too.

Am I being butt-hurt? At first, yes. But now they are flat out attacking us. So it's not being butt-hurt anymore, it's being flat out insulted DX
 
Didn't sleep worth shit. Between nausea, my brother coming home shitfaced and subsequently throwing up in both the kitchen and the bathroom, the cunts who played music until 5am and the people who couldn't shut the fuck up, I've got zero fucking patience and a mean migraine.

Still want to just sleep for an eternity, but without stomach meds, that's gonna be damn hard.
 
"Can't sleep well" my ass. You've at least been getting a full eight hours a day and you're pretty dead to the world while you are, don't lie. (Meanwhile here I am after three hours) Don't say you wake up whenever I enter the room either because that is a goddamn lie. You don't. It's maybe happened a handful of times and only when I'm being particularly loud (because I have awful balance and sometimes I fall or drop things, but I generally try and keep quiet) and even then though you clam to not be able to fall back asleep until I leave, you're snoring again within 5 minutes.

Which brings me to my next point. Your snoring I can handle. What I can't deal with is you being a goddamn bedhog and pushing me out of my own bed. Half the bed is all I ask for while you stay here and we end up having to share on your nights off. Half. I get that we're both sprawlers and that it can be difficult, but I can deal with you accidentally grabbing me or an elbow to the back, but when my pillow is hanging half off the bed, that means you're taking up too much room and need to move over some. (You've pushed me out at least 5 times this way, though I've only mentioned the once.)

I understand that you work nights, but please, for the love of god, during the day whenever you aren't sleeping, don't sprawl out on my bed and commandeer my room like it's your own. You aren't the only one here with a sleep disorder and I really don't like you getting huffy at me when I ask if I can take a nap in my own bed. Also, unless I'm sitting up or looking like I want a conversation, please don't try and talk to me after I buzz you in (especially when I'm facing away from you when you come into the room) because you get back early a lot of the time and odds are, I'm trying to get a bit more sleep while I can.

(Just two more weeks and then she'll have her own place and this won't be an issue anymore. Just two more weeks. I can handle two more weeks.)
 
The new girl in my study group is beautiful as fuck. This shouldn't be a problem since I'm gay as fuck, but I keep wanting to take her image and make something artsy out of it. It's distracting as hell.
 
Internet died because the guy installing a dorm mate's internet cut over a wire. Yes, he cut the damn wires to install an internet connection.
 
So much misgendering going on right now. I don't care if they are his father and brother (and that his dad's arms are thicker than my neck) if they call my roommate "she" one more time, I will punch them both. Just because he's not here, does not mean that that's okay and they can get away with it. Fucking fight me assholes
 
I really wish I knew what was going through the people for the military physical's minds -.-

So my recruiter gave me a possible alternative to not wait for the appointment they had scheduled about a month from now (At the time, 2 months) So he was like "Okay, they wanna test you for Aspergers, so maybe if you go to your doctor and he/she write the letter saying you do not have it, and I give it to them, then maybe they'll cancel it and we can finally get a move on."

So I'm like "Alright, sounds easy enough" So I make my own appointment with my doctor office (The picture thread has a selfie of mah in a hospital gown and the story of what happened there if anyone's curious) So I get the letter saying I'm all clean, Give it to my recruiter, and he gives it to the physical people. (Take note that my doctor, and EVERYONE that worked at the doctor office was super confused because nobody could even comprehend me having Asperger's or any kind of autism, I quite literally passed with flying colors)

So fairly recently I got word back about the results. They got the letter, but they're still going to waste money on the appointment to get me tested for something that's ALREADY debunked -.- (Your tax paying money at work ladies and gentlemen ^^, still though, you all got mah subway sandwiches, cookies, hamburgers, all for free, so thank you all :D)

Now I'm starting to think that there's something that they want to test that they aren't telling anybody, and the appointment in a month is going to check for something else.
I have a feeling that one guy just doesn't want me to pass but he has no legit/legal reason on hand to fail me, so i'm being put through loops in hopes that something comes up. And everyone says the things I did aren't uncommon, and I can tell that they don't get why I'm going through this in the first place, one of them even said that this whole thing is pretty harsh. but now that I think about it, that one guy who I think is the cause is awfully familiar. I'm starting to think that I had a run in with him from the past >.< I just don't remember D:


So why am I thinking that it's just one person? Because everyone else is pretty cool. In fact, when I was there to be picked up for an appointment (Which nobody knew till like 2 hours after I was there >.<) and the one guy was gone, funny enough, everyone else was in a super good mood, and a few were like "Yeeaahh, sorry we're putting you through so many loops :/" And stuff like that, which is why I think that nobody truly knows why I'm going through this stupid process or if they do know, they clearly don't agree. But this one guy there seems to have had a constant grudge against me since the very beginning >.<


And the best part is some people are trying to defend these people DX I know my tale with all this is kinda scattered around the forum, but surely you can't possibly think this is all okay do you? How can you defend a place calling it "Good/proficient/they know what they're doing" When an entire group of people are infront of their faces, but forgotten about till 2 hours later someone walks up and is like "Sooo... When do we take the test?" and their response is quite literally "Oh... Uhh... We forgot all about you people XP"

Military wise though, I wish they were a bit more clear with things >.< I understand the less words, the more time saved. But some of these people are WAY too vague. So vague to the point that people end up thinking they meant something else entirely. Granted nobodies blaming anyone and everyone understands, but still DX That's been my only nitpick so far. Thankfully the specific job i'm going in I won't have to deal with vagueness (Or more specifically, it won't matter) (And i'm talking about military right now, not the physical place, you may not differentiate the two, but I do, and so does basically everyone else. Nobody likes this place. It's commonly said to be the worst part about this whole thing. By the recruiters, by the veterans returning and re-testing, so I'm gonna take their word for it and stay optimistic ^^
 
You know, I can still see you Eegie, I can hear your voice, I can feel you around me. You been gone for a full year now, yet I keep hearing you. You, above all, I hear the most. I'll admit to constantly scolding Kyle for what he did, and even thinking of Trev, but you...I wish I had more time. you show up in my dreams, you show up everyday. Your death was the one that I just cannot handle or even attempt to let go. I keep expecting to see a letter from you, wanting to write one. I've cried almost every day you are gone, and I know that your death is the biggest trigger to my depression.

I wanted so much just to impress you, show you that a bad person can become good, that I had the ability to change. you didn't get to see me enroll into school. You didn't get to see me get a job. You didn't get to see me stop smoking. 'I'm glad you never took up drugs or smoked.' I couldn't even muster up the guts to tell you the truth, but you knew. But you were the only one besides my sister that had any compassion for me and tried to help me. You loved me anyway, though you disapproved of how I led my life.

If I were able to, I'd write a letter to you explaining everything that I am doing now to better myself, and everything that I had done, though I know you knew a great deal. You were a wise woman, yet a young soul.

I sit here typing this up, realizing how alone I actually feel. I have no idea how to handle myself anymore. I know you'd rather me go to school but part of me wonders what the bloody point to it would be. I have no motivation anymore, and I can feel myself declining to a level where I haven't been in many years. I have no idea what to do Eegie, I really don't. I saw someone from home a couple days ago and it felt weird not having you around. I don't understand how you died so fast and we never saw it coming. You were healthy, lucid and happy.

How did we all miss the signs? I don't understand.
 
Okay, you're Buzzfeed, do your fact checks. SPG aren't "lads". Bunny transitioned like a year ago, and by extension, Rabbit isn't "he" any more. Bunny opted to change her gender for the sake of her own well being.

Like, I get that the older videos with Rabbit as male will stay that way, nothing is going to change there, but make sure you get stuff right goddamnit.
 
So once again, I'm the bad guy.
I'm still having trouble grasping the situation.
 
Okay, just please shut up; you're being incredibly stupid right now. Plus today is not a good day for me with my anxiety and you are making it so much worse.

1) WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU WANT TO BRING THE PERSON WHO JUST BROKE UP WITH YOU NOT EVEN 24 HOURS AGO OVER HERE SO THAT YOU CAN SLEEP NEXT TO THEM?!?!? I don't get it. I understand that you have been head over heels for this guy for five years and I understand that you sleep better with him next to you, but sweetheart, you two weren't even an official couple and he broke it off and you were crying your eyes out. You have also been bitching about him all day. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN GIVE HIM THE TIME OF DAY RIGHT NOW? WHY WOULD YOU EVEN WANT HIM NEAR YOU?

2) Do not. For the love of God do not say "I would pay a cab for him here and back if I didn't think it'd impose on you" and give me a look that quite plainly says that you want me to say that it wouldn't - when you know it would - and then keep trying to win me over when I tell you no. Bitch, you do not live here - my roommate and I are letting you stay here while you relocate. And it's already crowded enough as it is with me, my roommate (the only two people who do live here) you, and my roommate's brother. Adding another person even for just a few hours is too many for this tiny 2-bedroom apartment. It would be incredibly crowded and let me remind you I. Do. Not. Handle Lots. Of. People. Well. In fact I'm already stressed out about it. I avoided going into the kitchen to get food until my stomach was aching and I was shaking so hard I could barely walk just because my roommate's brother was in the room with me and I was so anxious about him staring at me if I got up. Hell, I can't even bring myself to make eye contact with the guy. So no. You can not bring someone else over.

Fuck off
 
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I hate being sick! I hate the fact that I do take care of myself while sick makes me worse. I felt a bit better, so what if I made dinner? But, no, I had to turn even more nauseous and my stomach hurts... I hate this.
 
I can't breathe outside because of the fires and my eyes are burning. Shit I hope they get them out soon before more people die.
 
Whenever something absolutely horrible happens in my life, I always end up coming back to this thread to Rant. I find that pretty ironic ,D considering I hardly lurk on Iwaku anymore, but it still holds the same safety net feeling.

So Iwaku, I messed up. I guess first love is always kind of messed up. I'm envious of the lucky people who can get it right the first time.

We started out as friends a few months ago, but when my parents were both hospitalised (consecutively) and I spiralled into panic/depression/anxiety problems, he was there for me. He was a relatively new friend and I told him, "I don't want to talk anymore because things are going to get ugly and I might become someone that I"m not and I don't want you to see me like that." And despite that, he insisted to want to be there for me. And he was. I couldn't have gotten through it as easily without him (not to say that if I were alone, I wouldn't have, I would've managed, I know that for sure).

But at this point, I had developed a "need" for him. He was a part of my daily routine/life/schedule. Talking to him was the highlight of my days sometimes. I was struggling through finishing my last semester, visiting my parents in their respective rehabs, and just overall "Am I going to graduate after this? I missed so much school. Am I going to find a job? I'm totally unprepared because of this sudden emergency" and he was always there for me to talk to.

I kept my feelings on the down low because I didn't think he'd ever be interested, given that we'd met roleplaying online and he was the typical white boy. I also never really considered any kinds of possibility of love over the internet (sorry, I wasn't a believer) given that I like to be in the physical presence of a person. But, suddenly one day, he told me he'd marry me if he could.

And things just changed from there. Knowing that marriage was something he originally hated - that he was completely against, I realised I'd changed his views/his life drastically. The sad part of this was trying to explain to him that even though he was a great person and that I liked him, we couldn't get married. He was an athiest. At that point, he had not proposed - I had not asked - and I wasn't in love with him enough to think about why this would be a problem. We sort of just let the topic go and stayed friends.

But that friendship just progressed. He kept trying to tackle my religion and convince me it was wrong. I kept trying to tackle his beliefs and convince him religion was right. We often got into these hours and hours of debates (thank god this was after my graduation and during my short break before working). I told him I'd try to see it his way, but I couldn't. Islam was more important to me more than just because I grew up with - it's something I chose for myself in my teenage years. I'd tried to give up before and I didn't want to. He didn't like this answer, so we agreed not to talk about it.

Unfortunately, we kept talking and talking and talking. When I look back now, I wish that we would have stopped talking when we hit the first religious debate. I wish we would have realised that we were coming from two very different mindsets and wouldn't get along. But we didn't. We kept trying to push the other to change, him more then me. Sometimes he said things that I was really hurt by, but I just let them slide because he was so important to me.

We ended up flirting for a while. I did like him a lot. In fact, in my head, our marriage would've gone well. He'd say things like he'd wish I was there. And I'd joke and say "then Marry me" and he'd show me the ring he was designing to make for me. It was really a period where we were both unbelievably happy and avoiding the reality of the situation - including the fact that we were on two different sides of the country and two totally different backgrounds - and that our faiths totally clashed in ways that we couldn't compromise to. But somehow, we ignored that and continued to be in love.

When he did propose, I was hesitant to accept. We fought again and again until we came to the conclusion that I wasn't going to compromise on my faith to marry him - and he wasn't going to even consider Islam for himself. He mostly blamed it on me. I sort of accepted that I was rejecting him because I was saying, "Well, I can't look past your beliefs." but in actuality, even if he was willing to marry a "muslim", he wasn't willing to NOT ridicule me for my beliefs - and so I don't see how that's accepting me as I am.

This was a guy who said he'd never loved anyone as much as he loved me either. A guy that regretted all his past relationships because I felt uncomfortable hearing about those girls.. So he was just as angry (at my religion) and at me (for not compromising) and upset and broken. We argued sometimes. We cried and shouted at each for about a whole five hours before we hit, "that's it this is over. I'm deleting all the pictures i have of you. We have to be friends that's all."

Regardless, I told him I needed space and cut him off for a miserable week or so. I was sick for the longest time. I didn't eat or sleep well and just felt nauseated. Anything that reminded me of him made me throw up and/or cry for hours. I felt the "if not him, then I feel like nothing" sentiment.

I reached out to him again about being friends - and he was positive that we could get past it. He reassured me that I was that important to him, that I was worth being friends. He didn't want to lose me either. "We're not the first people in this situation." We agreed to stay away from certain topics and tried to be friends. It was a really really awkward period. He started becoming cold and I started feeling anxious just trying to write something to him.

A couple of times he expressed that he felt like I was going to push and push my personality onto him the same way I made him fall in love the first time. I insisted that I was trying to tone it down a little and be a little reserved, but it was hard for me to act like he was a stranger to me. We had these tense conversations every now and then, and then spoke relatively little to each other.

Then, suddenly a couple of days after his birthday, he stopped answering my messages. He didn't even read them. I thought it was an internet thing so I checked Facebook, Skype, whatsapp etc. He'd blocked me everywhere.

At first I was really upset, especially when I saw the divorce notification on gaia. That was something we'd left there even though we were going to be friends. We agreed that it made us happy to see that we were married in some place. But he always kept some line of communication open. He always promised that we'd be friends - that he didn't want to lose me or be ignored by me. So what happened?

I tried to contact him multiple times. Sometimes with angry messages and hateful things like "I can't believe you just threw me away" and sometimes with desperate texts like "I need you, why are you doing this." At first I thought he didn't receive any of them, but yesterday, a friend of his reached out to me saying that he was frustrated with my constant messaging and poking and that I should stop stressing him out. "He feels like you're harassing him." I asked her to ask him if he just thought it wasn't worth us being friends anymore and he responded with "he literally doesn't want to be your friend anymore."

It really really broke my heart. Maybe even more than our first two semi-breakups. Because it felt like rejection. Someone who loved me so incredibly much - to a point where I feared how much he was in love with me without even meeting me - just suddenly wanted to throw me away and shut me out and hurt me knowingly?

Sometimes, I try to tell myself that it's kind of a good thing. I was about to trade my faith for love. I would've never been happy regretting that. Other times, I argue that we could have been good friends if we had moved on. Why'd he have to completely cut me off?

If he needed space, why didn't he say so? If he couldn't be friends anymore, why didn't he give me an explanation? Why hurt me by just disappearing and then saying I"m harassing you? Granted I sent some pretty upset messages his way, but I needed some kind of closure. I wanted to talk to him one last time - and he wouldn't even give me that. I felt like a dirty, crazy ex gf. And that's not the kind of person I wanted to be. Suddenly it didn't matter that he was losing me? That our friendship was nothing to him? That hurt me so much.

I deleted everything of his and sent one last letter apologising for being that over emotional crazy ex gf and explaining that everything I did or said was sincerely because I was hurt by his actions. I never expected he would act that way after all the promises he made about being friends, about "we'll always have a place for each other in our hearts".

Now, reflecting on all the pain and sudden pangs of sadness when I remember the good times with him, I think, there were a lot of things that wouldn't have worked out - a lot of times that he hurt me and I ignored it thinking, "but he loves me it's okay." that I should've said something about it... Even if we compromised on faiths, I don't think it would have worked out for us. But I wish that he would have treated me better. Because he isn't the kind of person to just cut somebody off - and because I still feel like a part of me needs him, even if I keep reminding myself that what happened was somehow, in some form, and will be the best for me.

I miss him terribly and I miss what we had. I fear that I'll never meet someone that will love me in that way or be that in sync with the things that I want or want my happiness as he did. At the same time, I fear that I might break someone's heart again like I broke his. And I feel like I pushed him to a point where he just didn't want to see me or hear my voice ever again. And that scares me because I don't even know what it was that pushed him there.

I also feel a bit betrayed. He was a person who was stuck to his beliefs and his principles. Yet, for me he changed the most integral things like his views against his marriage, his stubbornness (he'd given in to me easily), and his personality which was cold and a bit reserved, but to me, he was more vulnerable and more raw (and he expressed being fearful of being so vulnerable as well, which is why is became so cold after we broke up).

Did he also change at the end? Is that what happened? Did he finally say "well I don't want to give a shit anymore, I'm sick of this" and just cut everything up into pieces. Does he not miss me? Was I really worthless to him? How could I mean the world to someone and then become worthless to him? Is that a flaw in my personality? Is it something that I did? Or was this just a train-wreck to begin with from the first argument about faiths and we didn't realise we were in for a hell of pain?

These thoughts keep running through my mind and I try to stay calm.

I'm in a new city with my new job and have no friends yet so it's hard to forget and move on.

I also don't want him to think of me from now on as some crazy ex, but to remember all the beautiful times we had. Unfortunately, that's something where I have to say, "Well why do you care still?!"

And also need to build my self esteem, because maybe part of it was being unable to believe that he loved me, and being unable to accept that someone could love me so much. And then, compromising on things that were important and hurt me (like his absolute hatred of my faith) just because "I don't think anyone would love me so much."

And I realised maybe that's something I do often in life because of my upbringing. I just settle. I try not to fight for something that I should fight for because I'm afraid I'm unworthy. If I get something nice that isn't everything I wanted, I say thankyou, be grateful, and take it. But I should have a higher regard for myself. Just because he loved me so much doesn't mean no one else will. Just because he thought I was beautiful doesn't mean no one else will. Just because I haven't had such a connection with someone before doesn't mean anything because I'm young and I've hardly met enough diverse people to make that a fact. Right? I keep trying to tell myself these things. I keep missing him at the same time.

This post is super long and isn't really meant to be replied to, but if you did manage to read it, I appreciate it and could use all the emotional support ;_; It's been a really exhausting year. After I got over the depression of my parents and coping with their illnesses, I was happy with having his love for a bit and lost that. Though I graduated happily and moved over for my cool new job - I still feel pangs of sadness when I think of him.

And I guess that's life. Full on just happiness wouldn't be realistic, I suppose.

EDIT:

I realised I didn't mention that I'm doing okay. I don't feel sick or nauseated or throw up this time. I've managed to control my emotions and be more realistic about what happened. I'm hurt by how he treated me, but I'm not going to cry over it every day. Sometimes, the feelings overwhelm me at night and I miss him. Or at work or after work, when I'm alone. But I'm trying to move on, I really am. And I'm trying to make friends in Boston and get more involved in activities after work.

If I start building a new life here, I'll replace the void he left.

But right now it seems like I'll always miss him and I'll always ignore all the reasons that couldn't work out for the ones that could. And I'll always wonder why he abandoned me without an explanation and how unlike him that was. And whether he still thinks of me, still loves me, or even misses me. And these are stupid things that will make me feel sad, but somehow I can't seem to stop myself.
 
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