RANT Your Brains Out #98274

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So ready to just be done.
 
Fucking hate that one little comment can give me a fucking anxiety attack o_o
 
Urgh. I had to run errands yesterday and now I'm totally wiped out. I have no energy whatsoever and I'm pretty sure I've got sunstroke
 
Withdrawal headaches.... =_=
 
A good friend of mine on another site has a shitty and abusive partner who yells at her whenever she gives attention to someone that isn't him. He's since "apologized" and they're "all good" so now every time I catch him lurking (which has been like 3-4 times), I get angry about it and now she keeps trying to convince me that he's a nice guy and I should be flattered that he's looking at our OOC but we both know that he's only looking so that he can check up on what she's doing, so why act ignorant like he's just a curious little baby who doesn't do anything wrong? And why keep trying to defend him? It's beyond frustrating.

Dude belongs in a fucking dumpster.
 
This rant is brought to you by: Sleep Deprivation

Sure, feel free to take up more than half my bed, leaving me with just the smallest of slivers of mattress to curl up on while praying I don't spasm off the edge and fall to the floor - or worse, hit you. It's not like I haven't had trouble sleeping for the past week because because of chronic pain and intense muscle spasms. It's not like I need just the smallest amount of more room so my muscles and joints don't seize or anything.

You know for someone who doesn't like to be touched and flinches and freaks out when I accidentally get into your space even for just a couple seconds, you sure do like to push into mine (and push me out of it). I understand that you're asleep and can't always help it, that's fine. But you know what? I tend to be a bed hog too, and I seem to be able to remember that I'm sharing right now and not to spread out just fine, even while unconscious and dead to the world, but whatever. It's totally fine when you wake me up by hitting me in the face and then get pissy with me I nudge you awake and ask you to move. Also, go ahead to continue to lounge in and take up all the space in my bed during your free time during the day on your days off, it's not like I've asked you if you can go out in the living room and use your computer out there for a few hours while I commandeer my own bedroom so I can maybe have a nap.

Urgh, I'm so glad she's going back to work tomorrow so I can sleep during her shift (she works nights) and that she'll have her own place and be done relocating to this city by the end of this month because I'm trying not to let it bother me, but I'm seriously considering asking her to sleep out on the couch for the rest of her stay here. I love her, but this is ridiculous and it's my bed, not hers, and I'm exhausted. (She also claims to have just as much trouble sleeping as I do, but she sleeps just fine most nights and I'm the one awake at 3 in the goddamn morning)
 
I fucking hate this intense periodic pain. It's bad enough to fuck up my entire day and reduce me to a bundle of pain and frustration.

I need to punch a wall or something.
 
This is why dating someone, even going as far as liking them, isn't worth it for me.


We spent months upon months talking, I finally ask you out. You agree, and then you basically say, "Fuck you, I want to date an abusive asshat that lives in Canada because he said that he loved me."

That isn't love, it's manipulation.

Yes, I am seriously hurt by this. I haven't opened up to anybody like that in years, and you ruined it. Now every status that I see posted about this new guy burns. Why I keep you as a friend?


I'm a stupid person that doesn't want you to feel alone when another person hurts you but farther enough from you to set boundaries.

I didn't deserve to be treated like that. Least you could have done was not lead me to believe that I ever had a chance. I'm all for you having a choice (of course), but leading someone on when ypu know in your heart they are just a friend to you for whatever reason seems a bit cruel to me. You told me that you would like long distance, so we would try.


But I do hope this new guy is the one you are looking for, I wish you all the happiness in the world.
 
MOTHER MAKE UP YOUR MIND. She can't decide if she wants me to contribute or not. Sorry mother but YOU'RE the one who wanted me to start applying to supermarkets, YOU'RE the one who wants me to substitute teach! YOU'RE THE REASON I HAVE NO SELF CONFIDENCE AND WHY I CAN'T MAKE FRIENDS! You always second guess my decisions and your own thus making me WEAK. AND you've ALWAYS kept me away from what few friends in school I had! I don't know how to socialize with other people because of you! So thanks! Thanks for making me incapable of being social and thanks for not having any confidence in me to support myself! NOW START TELLING ME THIS SHIT TO MY FACE INSTEAD OF SENDING DAD! And god damnit woman stop texting me to come downstairs. Get off your own lazy ass and come up!
 
I have little less than a year to make a good contribution to my savings, talk to my boyfriend's family and my own, and look around.

We're planning to get a house.

It WOULD be a really happy thing, if it wasn't tinged with the fact that it's mostly because renting ANYTHING here is worthless. If you're getting a home, fucking buy it if you can.

Which I can, because grandparents left me a bit of inheritance.

This is all wrong. I shouldn't be so damned eager for a home of my own because the people I live with aren't... friends anymore. Just... roommates that are passive aggressive and write their bullshit on tumblr. Just a child screaming "Daddy!" over and over if that boy leaves the room for one moment.

A child- a woman that I no longer really know.

She held me when I was in pain, comforted me when I lost my first job, stuck up for me when shit got rough.

Now, at outings, she's quick to get in some words on my worthlessness, makes remarks that has people give her a hell of a lot of side-eye, and generally has me at my wits end.

I shouldn't be wanting to buy a house because I don't have a home in my apartment.

She's not aggressive, but her words can be passively hateful and sometimes I wonder what the hell had us get this way.

After I lost my first job, I spent nearly six months in a sense of crippling depression, unable to do much for myself, or for others. That surely started it. When I got my second job, I was stressed beyond words, and looking for any other option.

At the beginning of my third job, I had a psychotic break. I had to call my boyfriend and my dead best-friend's mother to the lake to come find me. I was terrified.

and I couldn't go to what had been my best friend.

I was reunited with an old best friend of mine and I was so relieved that everything was ok between us, it almost seemed ridiculous at first that she kept bringing up how my roommate treated me.

Everytime she came over, there was no shortage of behaviors and things to point out to me. She wasn't wrong.

The last time she came over, I finally broke down. Started looking up houses, talked with my boyfriend and our respective parents. I need to last this next year because that gives us time to save money and find suitable housing.

I've been with him for over four years, no one's questioned us on moving into a house together. The only thing that is brought up is my roommate.

And I can't even answer the question of "What happened?"

Now and days, I'm mildly depressed, highly stressed, and constantly have a medkit with me to take care of my friend who's rather hard on herself and cuts sometimes- I've become something of a nurse. I take my breaks where I can get them. Posting in Roleplays help me, but it seems like lately my ideas are fucking with my head. Take too long to answer and it'll take me forever to get the juices flowing again. I'm a shitty roleplay partner these last few months.

I'm stressed about my family, about money, about life and where I'm going.

But all that roommate sees is my parents' wealth. Like somehow that cancels out all problems.

Just because they have money doesn't mean I'm rich. LOL NO. I'm not rich. I am paid 9.25 an hour to be a sales associate so that middle-aged women can yell at me about the prices of clothing and why the hell would I want their information when they want to make a return?

I am tired and stressed. Got off with a traffic warning the other day because fucking roads changed their speed signs. Then the other night I probably just got caught running a red because of just basic "fuck you" happenings, like my foot hitting the gas when I meant for the brake, and a car pulling up right behind me...

I'm tired. And I'm in my apartment...

But I want to go home. And I don't have that yet.
 
*sighs* oh boy a pointless night of staying up for no real reason. It's not like I'm gonna write this shit down. Not to mention I'll be exhausted and we won't be doing a god damn thing. I'm starting to think I need to find a D&D group in my town. because this scheduling shit is getting under my skin.
 
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE ROOMMATE STRIKES AGAIN.

Look, we know he's your "Daddy", and you need him.

But really, since you guys are glued to each other when you are awake and not at work, we're going to have to RUN STUFF WHEN YOU ARE ASLEEP.

Believe me, I know my boyfriend rages, and I know you understand BECAUSE YOU DATED HIM TOO. Your whole "Daddy, it's time to come to bed." Thing is understandable, a little pushy, but it IS nearly four and I get it.

YOU CROSSED THE LINE WHEN: "I think Justin should fucking go to bed, too." *DOOR SLAM*

Yes, my boyfriend got pissed and yelled about that. We went through some heavy game shit, and even I was a little miffed. It's ok to be mad that we got loud. But you know how he is. YOU KNOW HOW HE IS. I KNOW YOU KNOW HE'D GET PISSED EASILY AT THAT POINT.

Why do you CONTINUE to FUCK with people in a manner that isn't even close to beneficial to your cause? All it does is make you look like a bitch- a controlling, needy, self-absorbed bitch.

If you could loosen your hold on him earlier in the day, we wouldn't have an issue of possibly waking you.

I mean, hell, I'm clingy and needy and I stay around my boyfriend all the time, but I have hobbies aside from him. For fuck's sake.
 
Been feeling real antsy and shit as of late. It's really difficult to step back and think rationally at times like these, and even mundane household stuff is difficult to get done. The stress is piling up as well, and with stess comes the anxiety.

Bah, just want this shit to either pass or straighten out already. It's putting a stick in my creative wheel.
 
They're pouring Tar on my road. I can't keep my windows open.....and I have an interview today.....and now I have to get tar all over my car. Gee thanks road workers.
 
Oh come on. Don't tell me the fucker in front of me on the bus is my old coworker.

I hate this manchild with every atom of my being.
 
FUCK YOU MOM!

You are the last person to make fat jokes about me! At least I have a waist unlike you since you still look like you're entering your second trimester! At least my boobs aren't sitting on my stomach like yours! At least I worked my ass off to get to a size I am happy with.

No, not you. You get lazy and have spur of the moment energy to lose weight but I actually worked for it. You're the one with hypertension, you're the one with a bad back, one knee that pops when you walk and the other you have to wear a brace on. Your the one who's the fat piece of spineless shit my bastard of a dad get to walk all over, not me!!

Before you make fun of me how about you remember where you are compared to where I am.
 
No, Dad, I don't need to "expand my mind" -- this week has already been difficult as all hell because apparently I can't fucking function without using a bunch of drugs as a crutch, so if all I'm trying to do is learn how to parallel fucking park so that I can take my goddamn driving test at the worst possible time, I think I'm just going to find a way that works for me and stick with it. And guess what, I've already done that! I already feel like I know what I'm doing and I finally got the hang of it today. I don't need to learn to do it some other way that is completely different from what I was taught and that I won't even be tested on during the exam. And you don't even have the excuse of "oh I'm trying to teach you for life and not just for a test" because -- even ignoring the fact that I'll hardly ever need to parallel park in the first place -- why the fuck would I need to do it when there are no other cars around?? Having cars around is the only reason why I would even need to parallel park in the first place.

All this week, I've just been feeling lazy and dazed and unfocused and all that has been great for my self-esteem since it's already got me feeling like I can't do anything, and driving practice certainly hasn't been easy when I've been in such a rough state of mind that I probably shouldn't even be on the road anyway. But, oh well! It's not like I can just use "I don't feel like it" as an excuse for everything out in the real world, can I? Doesn't matter if I'm dealing with both my mental and physical health being a goddamn mess at the moment -- I have to muster up the strength somehow, right? Especially when my driving test is next week and I have to go back to school the week after that.

Ordinarily, I wouldn't be so bothered with this -- but this whole summer has just been completely out-of-whack -- all because I made out with some guy and got fucking mono -- and I really would appreciate just a bit more slack while I'm trying to get my shit together. You probably think I'm being too sensitive or holding onto shit for too long but, you know what? Maybe it wouldn't hurt to just be a little bit encouraging when I'm actually feeling good about my situation for once, because that sure as hell doesn't happen too often.
 
The laptop I was looking at to replace my current one is out of stock
 
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