I have little less than a year to make a good contribution to my savings, talk to my boyfriend's family and my own, and look around.
We're planning to get a house.
It WOULD be a really happy thing, if it wasn't tinged with the fact that it's mostly because renting ANYTHING here is worthless. If you're getting a home, fucking buy it if you can.
Which I can, because grandparents left me a bit of inheritance.
This is all wrong. I shouldn't be so damned eager for a home of my own because the people I live with aren't... friends anymore. Just... roommates that are passive aggressive and write their bullshit on tumblr. Just a child screaming "Daddy!" over and over if that boy leaves the room for one moment.
A child- a woman that I no longer really know.
She held me when I was in pain, comforted me when I lost my first job, stuck up for me when shit got rough.
Now, at outings, she's quick to get in some words on my worthlessness, makes remarks that has people give her a hell of a lot of side-eye, and generally has me at my wits end.
I shouldn't be wanting to buy a house because I don't have a home in my apartment.
She's not aggressive, but her words can be passively hateful and sometimes I wonder what the hell had us get this way.
After I lost my first job, I spent nearly six months in a sense of crippling depression, unable to do much for myself, or for others. That surely started it. When I got my second job, I was stressed beyond words, and looking for any other option.
At the beginning of my third job, I had a psychotic break. I had to call my boyfriend and my dead best-friend's mother to the lake to come find me. I was terrified.
and I couldn't go to what had been my best friend.
I was reunited with an old best friend of mine and I was so relieved that everything was ok between us, it almost seemed ridiculous at first that she kept bringing up how my roommate treated me.
Everytime she came over, there was no shortage of behaviors and things to point out to me. She wasn't wrong.
The last time she came over, I finally broke down. Started looking up houses, talked with my boyfriend and our respective parents. I need to last this next year because that gives us time to save money and find suitable housing.
I've been with him for over four years, no one's questioned us on moving into a house together. The only thing that is brought up is my roommate.
And I can't even answer the question of "What happened?"
Now and days, I'm mildly depressed, highly stressed, and constantly have a medkit with me to take care of my friend who's rather hard on herself and cuts sometimes- I've become something of a nurse. I take my breaks where I can get them. Posting in Roleplays help me, but it seems like lately my ideas are fucking with my head. Take too long to answer and it'll take me forever to get the juices flowing again. I'm a shitty roleplay partner these last few months.
I'm stressed about my family, about money, about life and where I'm going.
But all that roommate sees is my parents' wealth. Like somehow that cancels out all problems.
Just because they have money doesn't mean I'm rich. LOL NO. I'm not rich. I am paid 9.25 an hour to be a sales associate so that middle-aged women can yell at me about the prices of clothing and why the hell would I want their information when they want to make a return?
I am tired and stressed. Got off with a traffic warning the other day because fucking roads changed their speed signs. Then the other night I probably just got caught running a red because of just basic "fuck you" happenings, like my foot hitting the gas when I meant for the brake, and a car pulling up right behind me...
I'm tired. And I'm in my apartment...
But I want to go home. And I don't have that yet.