We started out as friends a few months ago, but when my parents were both hospitalised (consecutively) and I spiralled into panic/depression/anxiety problems, he was there for me. He was a relatively new friend and I told him, "I don't want to talk anymore because things are going to get ugly and I might become someone that I"m not and I don't want you to see me like that." And despite that, he insisted to want to be there for me. And he was. I couldn't have gotten through it as easily without him (not to say that if I were alone, I wouldn't have, I would've managed, I know that for sure).
But at this point, I had developed a "need" for him. He was a part of my daily routine/life/schedule. Talking to him was the highlight of my days sometimes. I was struggling through finishing my last semester, visiting my parents in their respective rehabs, and just overall "Am I going to graduate after this? I missed so much school. Am I going to find a job? I'm totally unprepared because of this sudden emergency" and he was always there for me to talk to.
I kept my feelings on the down low because I didn't think he'd ever be interested, given that we'd met roleplaying online and he was the typical white boy. I also never really considered any kinds of possibility of love over the internet (sorry, I wasn't a believer) given that I like to be in the physical presence of a person. But, suddenly one day, he told me he'd marry me if he could.
And things just changed from there. Knowing that marriage was something he originally hated - that he was completely against, I realised I'd changed his views/his life drastically. The sad part of this was trying to explain to him that even though he was a great person and that I liked him, we couldn't get married. He was an athiest. At that point, he had not proposed - I had not asked - and I wasn't in love with him enough to think about why this would be a problem. We sort of just let the topic go and stayed friends.
But that friendship just progressed. He kept trying to tackle my religion and convince me it was wrong. I kept trying to tackle his beliefs and convince him religion was right. We often got into these hours and hours of debates (thank god this was after my graduation and during my short break before working). I told him I'd try to see it his way, but I couldn't. Islam was more important to me more than just because I grew up with - it's something I chose for myself in my teenage years. I'd tried to give up before and I didn't want to. He didn't like this answer, so we agreed not to talk about it.
Unfortunately, we kept talking and talking and talking. When I look back now, I wish that we would have stopped talking when we hit the first religious debate. I wish we would have realised that we were coming from two very different mindsets and wouldn't get along. But we didn't. We kept trying to push the other to change, him more then me. Sometimes he said things that I was really hurt by, but I just let them slide because he was so important to me.
We ended up flirting for a while. I did like him a lot. In fact, in my head, our marriage would've gone well. He'd say things like he'd wish I was there. And I'd joke and say "then Marry me" and he'd show me the ring he was designing to make for me. It was really a period where we were both unbelievably happy and avoiding the reality of the situation - including the fact that we were on two different sides of the country and two totally different backgrounds - and that our faiths totally clashed in ways that we couldn't compromise to. But somehow, we ignored that and continued to be in love.
When he did propose, I was hesitant to accept. We fought again and again until we came to the conclusion that I wasn't going to compromise on my faith to marry him - and he wasn't going to even consider Islam for himself. He mostly blamed it on me. I sort of accepted that I was rejecting him because I was saying, "Well, I can't look past your beliefs." but in actuality, even if he was willing to marry a "muslim", he wasn't willing to NOT ridicule me for my beliefs - and so I don't see how that's accepting me as I am.
This was a guy who said he'd never loved anyone as much as he loved me either. A guy that regretted all his past relationships because I felt uncomfortable hearing about those girls.. So he was just as angry (at my religion) and at me (for not compromising) and upset and broken. We argued sometimes. We cried and shouted at each for about a whole five hours before we hit, "that's it this is over. I'm deleting all the pictures i have of you. We have to be friends that's all."
Regardless, I told him I needed space and cut him off for a miserable week or so. I was sick for the longest time. I didn't eat or sleep well and just felt nauseated. Anything that reminded me of him made me throw up and/or cry for hours. I felt the "if not him, then I feel like nothing" sentiment.
I reached out to him again about being friends - and he was positive that we could get past it. He reassured me that I was that important to him, that I was worth being friends. He didn't want to lose me either. "We're not the first people in this situation." We agreed to stay away from certain topics and tried to be friends. It was a really really awkward period. He started becoming cold and I started feeling anxious just trying to write something to him.
A couple of times he expressed that he felt like I was going to push and push my personality onto him the same way I made him fall in love the first time. I insisted that I was trying to tone it down a little and be a little reserved, but it was hard for me to act like he was a stranger to me. We had these tense conversations every now and then, and then spoke relatively little to each other.
Then, suddenly a couple of days after his birthday, he stopped answering my messages. He didn't even read them. I thought it was an internet thing so I checked Facebook, Skype, whatsapp etc. He'd blocked me everywhere.
At first I was really upset, especially when I saw the divorce notification on gaia. That was something we'd left there even though we were going to be friends. We agreed that it made us happy to see that we were married in some place. But he always kept some line of communication open. He always promised that we'd be friends - that he didn't want to lose me or be ignored by me. So what happened?
I tried to contact him multiple times. Sometimes with angry messages and hateful things like "I can't believe you just threw me away" and sometimes with desperate texts like "I need you, why are you doing this." At first I thought he didn't receive any of them, but yesterday, a friend of his reached out to me saying that he was frustrated with my constant messaging and poking and that I should stop stressing him out. "He feels like you're harassing him." I asked her to ask him if he just thought it wasn't worth us being friends anymore and he responded with "he literally doesn't want to be your friend anymore."
It really really broke my heart. Maybe even more than our first two semi-breakups. Because it felt like rejection. Someone who loved me so incredibly much - to a point where I feared how much he was in love with me without even meeting me - just suddenly wanted to throw me away and shut me out and hurt me knowingly?
Sometimes, I try to tell myself that it's kind of a good thing. I was about to trade my faith for love. I would've never been happy regretting that. Other times, I argue that we could have been good friends if we had moved on. Why'd he have to completely cut me off?
If he needed space, why didn't he say so? If he couldn't be friends anymore, why didn't he give me an explanation? Why hurt me by just disappearing and then saying I"m harassing you? Granted I sent some pretty upset messages his way, but I needed some kind of closure. I wanted to talk to him one last time - and he wouldn't even give me that. I felt like a dirty, crazy ex gf. And that's not the kind of person I wanted to be. Suddenly it didn't matter that he was losing me? That our friendship was nothing to him? That hurt me so much.
I deleted everything of his and sent one last letter apologising for being that over emotional crazy ex gf and explaining that everything I did or said was sincerely because I was hurt by his actions. I never expected he would act that way after all the promises he made about being friends, about "we'll always have a place for each other in our hearts".
Now, reflecting on all the pain and sudden pangs of sadness when I remember the good times with him, I think, there were a lot of things that wouldn't have worked out - a lot of times that he hurt me and I ignored it thinking, "but he loves me it's okay." that I should've said something about it... Even if we compromised on faiths, I don't think it would have worked out for us. But I wish that he would have treated me better. Because he isn't the kind of person to just cut somebody off - and because I still feel like a part of me needs him, even if I keep reminding myself that what happened was somehow, in some form, and will be the best for me.
I miss him terribly and I miss what we had. I fear that I'll never meet someone that will love me in that way or be that in sync with the things that I want or want my happiness as he did. At the same time, I fear that I might break someone's heart again like I broke his. And I feel like I pushed him to a point where he just didn't want to see me or hear my voice ever again. And that scares me because I don't even know what it was that pushed him there.
I also feel a bit betrayed. He was a person who was stuck to his beliefs and his principles. Yet, for me he changed the most integral things like his views against his marriage, his stubbornness (he'd given in to me easily), and his personality which was cold and a bit reserved, but to me, he was more vulnerable and more raw (and he expressed being fearful of being so vulnerable as well, which is why is became so cold after we broke up).
Did he also change at the end? Is that what happened? Did he finally say "well I don't want to give a shit anymore, I'm sick of this" and just cut everything up into pieces. Does he not miss me? Was I really worthless to him? How could I mean the world to someone and then become worthless to him? Is that a flaw in my personality? Is it something that I did? Or was this just a train-wreck to begin with from the first argument about faiths and we didn't realise we were in for a hell of pain?
These thoughts keep running through my mind and I try to stay calm.
I'm in a new city with my new job and have no friends yet so it's hard to forget and move on.
I also don't want him to think of me from now on as some crazy ex, but to remember all the beautiful times we had. Unfortunately, that's something where I have to say, "Well why do you care still?!"
And also need to build my self esteem, because maybe part of it was being unable to believe that he loved me, and being unable to accept that someone could love me so much. And then, compromising on things that were important and hurt me (like his absolute hatred of my faith) just because "I don't think anyone would love me so much."
And I realised maybe that's something I do often in life because of my upbringing. I just settle. I try not to fight for something that I should fight for because I'm afraid I'm unworthy. If I get something nice that isn't everything I wanted, I say thankyou, be grateful, and take it. But I should have a higher regard for myself. Just because he loved me so much doesn't mean no one else will. Just because he thought I was beautiful doesn't mean no one else will. Just because I haven't had such a connection with someone before doesn't mean anything because I'm young and I've hardly met enough diverse people to make that a fact. Right? I keep trying to tell myself these things. I keep missing him at the same time.