RANT Your Brains Out #98274

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He was right. I should just be sent to a home, and live out the rest of my days being treated like an animal. Because, not only am I incapable of being a responsible adult, I also clearly have no idea what's good for me. I should have my autonomy and dignity taken away, for my own good...

If I can't act like a functional human being, then I don't deserve to be treated like one.

And I have proven, time and time again, that I can't act like one.
 
I hate wasting my time! There is always something better I could be doing, so when I give my time to someone whether it's five minutes or five hours it's not something that should be taken lightly. Yet people want to continue wasting my time then have the audacity to complain when I start distancing myself from them. Fuck that! I have kids and a husband, you're lucky you're getting anything at all from me in the first place.
 
I have no tea left. When I said "Yeah, you can throw away the old leaf teas" I didn't mean all of them! I am drinking the last Snapple in revenge. #drinkingintensifies
 
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I was hungry, needed a quick pick me up, so I left work, went to the store. I spent 5 minutes listening to this foul smelling mouth breather argue with the cashier about the price of butter (Literally! sale vs nosale). 5 minutes of my life I will never get back! Anywho. I get my shit, get back to my desk at work, and guess what..

I got two fuckin' left Twix! WHERE IS THE RIGHT ONE!!..
 
Things I do not need:
  • Growing anxiety about my upcoming trip
  • Nightmares because of said trip-related anxiety
  • My anxiety about 'what does happen to our consciousness when we die?' rearing it's ugly head

Things I have:
  • Growing anxiety about my upcoming trip
  • Nightmares because of said trip-related anxiety.
  • My anxiety about 'what does happen to our consciousness when we die?' rearing it's ugly head. I'm already stressed about everything else, might as well throw that on top of it all, right???
If my brain could get itself out of this awful 'Panic Loop' I'm currently in, that'd be terrific, but until then, *puts on movie, buries self in blankets* goodnight.
 
Oh we're off to a great start.

My first train is super delayed by like an hour and a half. That's cutting it really close to catch my second one.

Fuck.
 
for someone who is supposedly an introvert, my 'PAY ATTENTION TO ME' gene is very strong
(and then I feel guilty for it
because of all the times I've ended up ignoring people
not maliciously, but ignoring them nonetheless

so

I guess I deserve to feel this way)
 
*squirms uncomfortably, being full of anxiety and not being able to do anything about it other than simply being uncomfortable*

:<
 
I fucked up.

I thought I was already fucking up -- I thought this whole week was just a long list of fuck-ups -- but no, I could not even imagine how badly I've fucked up just now. This is far worse than anything else I've done so far this week.

And the worst part is, it's all my fault, and I don't even have an excuse for why I did it, other than having zero impulse control and being too weak to put forth the tiniest amount of effort to do anything.
 
'Your eyes look really irritated. Why are they so irritated??'

I don't know mother. If I had to guess, it's because I've got super sensitive eyes and you smoke inside. I know what you're going to say, I spent my childhood and most of my teen years with people who smoke, so I shouldn't be bothered. But mom, I haven't lived with smokers in 5 years and my smoker friends smoke outside. Yes, both Roommate A and Roommate D smoke, but, we've only lived together since September and more importantly, they don't smoke inside. They don't smoke in their rooms, they don't smoke in the shared areas, and they don't smoke right next to me and blow smoke in my face.

Jesus Christ, when you got the new apartment, you told me you were both done smoking inside, what happened to that?
 
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feeling really out of line right now; unsure and uncertain, not knowing what to do, where to go, feeling lost...

i love my friend, i really do. but this other person... i just... when the hell are these gms gonna get back to be about the races i've created and want to remove from the rp...

it sucks waiting.

it sucks being stressed.

i don't know what i'm even doing.

sometimes i just want to do something and be done with it, but other times i think about it and i end up feeling terrible because of it.

it takes me a bit to trust and i... even just for that sentence, it's amazing i trust too quickly on the internet sometimes and then people throw shit my way.

i thought this person would have their head set on straight after a few days of being straight pissed off at me for leaving an rp but nope. it goes further, it goes so far as to telling me that my absence is detrimental, selfish, and a bitch move. what the actual fuck.

this is why i hate people. this is why.

i try to do everything in my power to make people happy but you know what? i don't care if you cry in a corner because i made you sad and said "sorry go fuck yourself" and "i'm not ready to let you back in". you may have a mental illness but that does not account for how you made me feel when you basically told me i was a selfish bitch for leaving an rp.

this is why i want to leave. but i have to wait... for my shit to be taken down... so lord help me if it doesn't get taken down within the week like i asked a gm and complained to another gm about what happened, then told her what i wanted to happen regarding my contributions.

iwaku was always better; i knew this from the start.
 
I. Want. To. Go. Home.

Despite our issues, I love my mother, I do, so much. But holy shit, she and her husband are awful to one another. They fight all the time, from the second they're awake until they go to bed. her husband is a real piece of work all by himself. I mean, yeah, she snaps easy and has a temper. says awful, horrible, mean things, isn't all too affectionate (but she's like that with everyone), and is part of the reason I have PTSD, but he's so much worse.

He mocks her, makes her think everything is her fault, thinks that if she's out of his sight she'll sleep around with the first guy she sees. He's made her choose between him and her friends, he isolates her. She's been the only one bringing in money for the last few months, but he won't let her control the 'fun/leisure' money.

(The only thing he hasn't done is alienate her from her family, but they're already pretty estranged anyway)

She's admitted she knows it's unhealthy and abusive, but won't kick him out. I know it can be hard to get out of that cycle, that mindset. Hell, I still think the stuff my dad did to me 'wasn't that bad' and it was awful, so I know, I understand what long-term abuse can do to a persons mind. And she's gone from one abusive relationship to another, so that can't be helping at all.

And it's frustrating because she knows it's bad, but she won't do anything and I know why she won't but fuck...

it's, it's just frustrating.

I love her, but I want to go home. I want to be in a space where I'm not on the edge of a fucking PTSD meltdown all the time.
 
I got one from Saturday. A dude put his crotch in my face. By the way this is the same jerk who I nearly had a throwdown with a couple years back. I thought he'd learned his lesson the first time. Apparently not.

Let me set the scene for what exactly happened. I am at work, sitting at a table across from the game guide rack. The game guide rack is the lowest one, basically touching the floor. My friend says, "Hey, I think they have a Dragon Age guide. I can't tell if it's Origins or Inquisition." I think "Hey cool, let me see." but it's just a little too far away to see the title so I kind of squint at it. Then BOOM strange-man-crotch in mah face. I thought at first maybe he didn't know what he was doing, but then I saw who it was. He knows exactly what he's doing. I nearly punched his "pride" but the voice in the back of my head reminded me that I am a decent human being, so I just kind of ignored his advance. >.>

I fucking hate this town.
 
'Wednesday. Make through to Wednesday and you'll make it the rest of the trip easy'

At least that's what I tell myself.

If I can get through Wednesday without having a total meltdown, then I can handle getting through the second half of my visit. If I can make it to Wednesday, I can make to the 21st. Once I'm safely at home on Sunday, then I can lose my shit and cry, but not before.
 
3 Weeks ago a kid at my daughter's high school reported that another student threatened to come to school and start shooting people at prom and graduation. I found out about it today by a newspaper article.....no phone call from the school, no notice sent him. They had a meeting that they did not inform parents of yesterday.....

Not an hour after I read the article I get an email from the school about a school employee who was accused of a crime on April 7th. He was charged today....I heard not a damn word from the school about it until today. Are you fucking kidding me?!?!
 
It's hotter than Satan's rotund bum in my house right now. It's making everyone short-tempered here. *fans self with a frisbee*
 
I want to feel proud of how productive I've been today, but I'm a little bit distracted by all of the day's fuckups and all the ways I feel like I'm regressing on all those self-improvement goals...
 
I think maybe what's really happening is that, the end of this past semester was so rough for me, and so stressful, that I just couldn't think about any of my other problems. I only feel like I'm "regressing" now because I actually have time to think about all the emotionally-tumultuous things that I had no choice but to block out back then...

I mean... just thinking back to my meltdown on the 10th is... kind of frightening, really. I've been too hard on myself, given how much stress I was under back then...
 
Why the ever-loving #$^% does "because I said so" count as a reason for anything. I am literally an adult, and you just don't care. About me, about what I have to say, about anything other than the personal reality you've constructed around yourself.

I don't need designated, enforced times for sleeping and waking, I know what's best for me. I have proven this time and time again.
"What's best for me" doesn't include venturing forth in the morning to do something that I absolutely do not wish to partake in any further. Especially daily. I lose hours each morning, simply because of some extraneous thing that you don't even do yourself. I want to have the freedom to determine what I do, when I do it, and how I do it.

I was recently delivered an ultimatum regarding this situation. I now need to decide just how much my personal freedom is worth to me. I'm making plans, and have been for some time. But I can't act on them yet, the time isn't right. It's yet another waiting game.

Can I seriously stand dealing with this sort of conflict any longer? How much does it matter to me? Obviously, a ton. But I just can't separate from my situation just yet; it'll only worsen things, and I don't have any way to take care of myself if I do that.

Everything is just... ugh. Just so far out of reach, but I've come so far already. I need to outlast any further confrontations, for a great while longer. In the meantime, I'm definitely doing what I can to prepare myself. But there are some things that I can't prepare for...
 
Urgh, now I'm just plain dizzy.

I dunno if it's the withdrawals or the heat... or both.
 
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