RANT Your Brains Out #98274

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A few hours ago, I was proud of myself for making a plan to get to bed early. But then I stayed up an extra hour doing -- what else? -- making myself miserable. Fuck. Why am I like this?
 
Why did work put me in for a 9 hour shift today even tho they know I've got a hospital appointment at 8? Today's gonna be a long day and I'm gonna complain about that
 
I hate how if I'm more than a day late, my brain is like, 'you're pregnant!!' even if I haven't had sex lately. Like, no, I'm not; it's because I haven't been sleeping and I'm stressed. stfu
 
This is seriously... too much.
 
Clearly I don't belong around people. No one dares talk to me on any kind of regular basis, no one bothers to think at work and don't bother giving me any information, and no one seems to like me. It's all lies. Maybe it's be better if I didn't exist.
 
It's not okay. I know that you are ninety-three years old and that you just lost your husband. And I'm sorry. But it is not okay for you to behave the way that you have been. This passive aggressive, rude, revisionist, underhanded, disrespectful, nasty behavior. You don't get to ask me about my life choices... I'm happy - I love my husband and kids and would never trade one second with them for a career.

I didn't go to college because I CHOSE not to. I'm sorry that for some inexplicable reason that upsets you - but that was my decision and no one else's to make. I'm sorry that you don't like that I keep my hair long... but I'm not going to donate it and cut it short because YOU think short hair is better. You have had the same hairstyle since you were thirty and no one has ever asked you to change it - so don't expect someone else to do it for you. Guess what? My husband LIKES my hair long. But more importantly, -I- like it long. I think it's beautiful... It's one of the few traits I have that I'm NOT self conscious about.

And on THAT note, it's absolutely NOT okay to call me fat. It's not. I'm not fat - I'm healthy, particularly since I just had a baby THREE months ago. I have lost thirty-five pounds. Just because you possess a skewed sentiment of what 'skinny' is doesn't mean you get to insult me to my face... Did you know that the other night, I skipped dinner because you made me cry in the bathroom for half an hour, after you went out of your way to disagree with my husband AND mother for saying I looked skinny?? Did you know that? No. Because you were too busy comparing me to Stephanie. I don't give a crap that her boyfriend is a Wallstreet bigshot or that she has her own apartment. I don't care how "great" she looks or how much she LOVES her career. Her parents hate each other and her dad is a literal mobster. So... maybe she's not as happy as you think?

I'm sorry that you don't like Serena's hairstyle or that she's a lesbian, or a vegan but guess what - that's her life. Not yours. And you have no idea how small you make her feel when you cut on her. Did you know she stopped visiting us for almost TEN years because you hurt her so badly? Probably not. I don't want to talk to you about how Sue's bipass surgery failed and she's fat now... I imagine she's probably extremely broken hearted about that... And no... Fletcher's wife ISN'T fat. She's skinny - stick skinny, because she's stressed that something is very wrong with her husband... Something you might have noticed if you weren't too busy pushing it off on the fact that he chooses not to eat meat or that he dared to try and take Frank's favorite painting home with him. Frank was his dad and you HATED that painting.

I'm sorry that you have made your own children so afraid of you that they would rather go to Cabo then help you through this hard time... That they can't stand up for their own daughter because they don't want to be on your bad side. That they call my mom a SAINT for dealing with you this past month. And it's little wonder everyone has pushed you off on me. And guess what? I hate it. I hate being responsible for you because you can't just ASK me to make you a damn cup of coffee or turn on the show you want to watch. You have to turn it into a passive aggressive game of "Oh, I'll just do it myself" - Well, you know what? Maybe you should. Especially since you've done nothing all week but talk about how you're going to be fine on your own... how you don't 'need' help.

I'm sorry that you think it's okay to tell me how to parent my son - that you think that lying to his mother isn't a good reason to punish him and put him in time-out. He's my kid. Not yours. You don't GET a say. I'm sorry that you can't handle the changes that have happened over the past fifty years - but the internet exists, people have cell phones and yes... I let Joey watch TV during the day. You don't have to like it, but I'm not going to change it because you think the 1940s was better.

I'm sorry that you felt depressed last night because I didn't spend enough time with you during the day or pay enough attention to you... Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I have two children to take care of - one of whom has the stomach flu? Or maybe it's just because you have made this past week and a half a living nightmare for me. You have done nothing but belittle me and insult me and talk about other people's problems or what you think is wrong with them. My blood pressure was 159/105 last night... because I am so stressed, holding all of this in. Because ultimately, I can't say this to your face... I can't, because you'll cry and tell me how sorry you are, but then you'll turn around and do it all over again the next day.

I'm sorry that you would rather give your nasty opinions than be a grandmother to me. But I can't wait for you to go home. I can't. And that makes me sad - but at the end of the day people leave a legacy, either good or bad and I really wish you'd consider the one you're going to leave behind.
 
That moment when you have a question about a thing in a video game and you just cannot find the answer to that question, despite many google searches, and despite scouring many Wiki pages and walkthroughs.
 
That moment when you get so wrapped up in trying to solve a computer-related issue that not a single online resource has any good answers for that you don't even realize that it's almost 4AM... and you still don't know where to find that fucking blacklist folder so that you can bring back all those long-lost new-tab-thumbails that you accidentally deleted and therefore made Chrome believe that you never ever ever wanted to see Iwaku, Tumblr, Youtube, or any other site that you actually use fairly often ever again on your new tab thumbnails just because you accidentally deleted them that one time, and if you didn't think to click undo at that very moment then Chrome just decided that they would be gone forever and would always be on a 100% permanent blacklist which supposedly exists in the form of a file that I can theoretically open up on my computer and edit manually, except that I can't seem to find it.

Seriously though. Why is this even a thing. It's so easy to accidentally delete one of those thumbnails. And clicking "restore all" won't help you if it's a thumbnail that you deleted a long time ago. My Chrome new tab thumbnails haven't been useful in a long time because almost all the sites that I actually visit frequently were all accidentally blacklisted at some point, and now my thumbnails just fill up with junk that I don't need. There is no simple way to restore all of those accidentally-blacklisted sites. Why is there no simple way to restore them. Hell, apparently there isn't even a complicated way to restore them -- because I've just spent over an hour scouring through various search pages and support sites and nothing helped.
 
I was making good progress with my anxiety but the past few days I haven't been able to stop thinking about death again. :( *buries self in blankets*
 
So Roommate D and I have decided it is probably for the best if we run errands together now, (even though we usually do it separately), because she is an intimidating goth girl who looks like she'll scratch out your eyes, and because when I'm alone, people take that to mean it's totally okay to approach me and ask rude questions.

Last month it was the Prayer Ladies (honestly, if praying for me makes you feel better, then by all means go ahead, I don't mind...Just please do it privately? Or at least respectfully. Please don't corner me in a VERY PUBLIC, VERY CROWDED, PLACE to do it, because I will have a panic attack. Also, please don't make me pray with you. Or put your hands on me. It makes me hella uncomfortable). This time a man came up to me and, not making this up, asked me what group home I was in.

There were no other questions, no introductions; he just saw me, stopped, and 'What group home do you belong to?'

I guess because I was in a wheelchair, he assumed that I was in an assisted care home? Which, I mean, there's nothing wrong with needing live in care, but... you don't have to be rude about it? I know it's a stereotype that all disabled people are totally incapable of living on our own, but newsflash, a lot of us can live on our own. I did - for several years, in fact (I would not recommend it though, if only because it is incredibly lonely). And also, it's none of your damn business whether or not I live on my own; you shouldn't be asking people that anyway.
 
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I'm depressed, ever since I left him, my world has been a twisted up, cluster fuck of just mess. I can't think straight half the time, I get distracted so much easier than before, my grades are slowly declining, my drive to wake up gets less and less apparent, I feel like my rping is crappy, I forget to reply to rps, *takes a deep breath from lack of oxygen* and I just can't stay happy.

I know leaving him was the right choice. He wasn't happy with me, he didn't want me anymore. I wasn't happy in the relationship either, but I still loved him. And I still love him. I know so much about him, it's so hard to forget he exist. But I know me leaving was the right choice. I wanted to be free, learn to love myself first, but I'm just so...out of it.

I talk to guys also, which is fun, but one ended up being a dick and one just didn't wanna get close like that. UGHHHHHHHH it's cool. It's cool. I'm cool.
 
Recently, I've been being eaten at by an existential crisis at the back of my mind. I know I'm on the higher-functioning end of the ASD scale (Asperger's), and my friends treat me generally normal, but since I found out, my more analytical side has been picking out all the little... quirks that single me out, in my own mind at least. To put it as frank as possible, I'm kinda scared that I'm more disabled than a believe myself to be, I just can't tell because my personal reality is the only one I can experience, and the people close to me just don't have the heart to tell me. I knew I was a bit of an oddball in school, but since I started work I've been really noticing just how different I am. It doesn't help that my hearing sucks, my auditory processing is lacking, my anxiety kicks up here and there, I move physically slower than most of my coworkers unless I'm jacked on caffeine, I'm more of a perfectionist, my memory is shit, and I can't help but notice some of the little sideways comments about me, or the mildly frustrated sighs. It brings back anxieties and fears I've had since childhood, namely that I'm just in the way, and a bother or burden. It's not all my coworkers, thankfully, most of them actually seem to like me, but I can't help the nagging feeling a the back of my brain that I'm just a little more off the wall than my perception leads me to believe.
 
The one chance I had at possibly making friends ruined by the fact that I'm terrified of going to a strangers house and being completely uprooted and plonked into a group that's been hanging out for such a long time. I guess I'm really meant to be alone.....Maybe I shouldn't exist, Maybe I shouldn't have been born.....Maybe something's wrong with me but I could never bring myself to go anywhere due to being so uneasy around people I don't know.
 
My life has just been one punch to the gut after another lately. I can't seem to stop getting sick, I can't seem to get stuff done when I want to get it done if at all, sleep isn't happening half as much as it should, I can't see my friends because I'm sick, and, to top it all off, I semi-recently discovered that I may have a mental condition that I may have to get a diagnosis on. We've only just been able to find a nice-looking resource, but I need some help. Badly. And my time is so limited these days that it's making it hard to get help :/
 
Thomas McTavish said:
Recently, I've been being eaten at by an existential crisis at the back of my mind. I know I'm on the higher-functioning end of the ASD scale (Asperger's), and my friends treat me generally normal, but since I found out, my more analytical side has been picking out all the little... quirks that single me out, in my own mind at least. To put it as frank as possible, I'm kinda scared that I'm more disabled than a believe myself to be, I just can't tell because my personal reality is the only one I can experience, and the people close to me just don't have the heart to tell me. I knew I was a bit of an oddball in school, but since I started work I've been really noticing just how different I am. It doesn't help that my hearing sucks, my auditory processing is lacking, my anxiety kicks up here and there, I move physically slower than most of my coworkers unless I'm jacked on caffeine, I'm more of a perfectionist, my memory is shit, and I can't help but notice some of the little sideways comments about me, or the mildly frustrated sighs. It brings back anxieties and fears I've had since childhood, namely that I'm just in the way, and a bother or burden. It's not all my coworkers, thankfully, most of them actually seem to like me, but I can't help the nagging feeling a the back of my brain that I'm just a little more off the wall than my perception leads me to believe.
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I'm having a ton of the same issues, honestly. 'Tis hard.
 
I'm in an odd pinch. I'm an introvert so being around people tucker's me out mentally and physically, but I'm the type that ignores my own needs to help others. I feel so burnt out, but I keep pushing through the days anyway. And I have a friend who suffers from depression, but it's hard to make time for her and other friends and myself. I feel overwhelmed. I know that if I did take time to myself I would just worry that everyone thinks I don't care about them and... I don't want that. *Sigh*
 
It feels like it's been years since I've posted in here, but here I am, back to ranting.

Why do people have to be unreliable?

Yesterday, we decided that you'll take me to school at 8:30 am so I can get to class on time at 9:00 am.

But nope.

Today you text me at 7:30...

and you basically tell me you can't take me because you need insurance for your doctor's appointment.


Why are you telling me this at the last minute?

I wasn't expecting this and unfortunately, my grandma can't take me to school either. She had an appointment early in the morning, which, I apologize for not sharing.

I just didn't expect this to happen.

Last week, you were sick, I get it.

But to choose getting insurance (which can wait, in my mind, because you need to understand that college is important to me really fucking important and being about 45 minutes late to class is not cool in my book.) over dropping me off at school which takes about 15 minutes, that doesn't make you a reliable person.

Telling me "Oh, but I don't have class at 9 anymore so that's why we left early" is not an excuse. I have class at 9. Didn't you think about that? I am relying on you. Please understand where you're putting me in this situation. I've already missed one class and now I've missed two; I can't afford to miss another, I really can't, so stop being selfish and putting yourself before others when getting insurance for a doctor's appointment can wait the next day when I don't have class early in the morning.
 
What the fuck brain? What the fuck anxiety?

What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck?

I was talking about hair dye with my brother and then, a split second later, I'm having a panic attack over death and dying and... no, stop. Shut up, shut up, shut up.

Urgh. Fuck! I was doing so well too, what the hell? *puts on movie and wraps self up in blankets*
 
No one cares. Not a single person does. No one listens. I'm always isolated. I could die and only my parents and brothers would miss me. I'll never have friends and I'll always be alone. My life is worthless.
 
Bought my train tickets to visit my mother in May. I really really don't want to go.
 
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