RANT Your Brains Out #98274

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I am not happy.
Not happy at all.

I'm fine with hunting and all, but keep it sportsmanlike, yeah? I know people are going to be stupid about this and get themselves killed because they strayed too close to the baby bears or get stuck in someone else's trap. Just lately had a guy around here shoot a cow thinking it was a deer. The cow was fucking black and white!
 
"If keeping a journal isn't your thing, try venting to Cleverbot! It's not a real person, so you're not burdening anyone with your problems."
Huh. That's very interesting advice. Perhaps I'll try it some time.

~some time later~

Me: [explaining my personal problems]
Cleverbot: You don't have any friends!


...Wow ok. Fuck you too, I guess.
 
Ok so that last post was mainly a joke because it's a bit hard to actually feel personally hurt by a Cleverbot comment but SERIOUSLY THIS IS NOT AN EFFECTIVE WAY TO REDUCE ANXIETY.

*watches unboxing videos on Youtube instead*
 
Time feels like it's been moving so slowly the past few days... and I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.

In theory, I feel like it should be a good thing that life doesn't feel like it's throwing everything at me so quickly. But everything's still been so hectic this week, and it feels like this super-hectic week has already gone on so much longer than it really has. And in general... yeah, this just isn't a fun week to be stuck on...
 
Seven more days... six, if you count the fact that it's past midnight now, but I'm going to say seven because Thursday is still a full day to live through after I wake up later... just gotta try to hold myself together for seven more days...


How well do I feel like I'm holding up, currently?

About as well as all the props and sets from Classic Who.

That is to say:

Barely held together by duct tape and luck, likely to fall apart any second.
 
I know that I really should start going to bed earlier just to ensure that I start getting enough sleep. And I've recently begun to notice that ~2AM is emotional meltdown time, meaning that I should really try to knock myself out sooner in order to avoid experiencing this and to avoid keeping myself up an extra hour or so in order to deal with said emotions.

And yet

Do I ever learn?

No, that would be the thing that a sensible human does. Ha.
 
The more I try to work on improving myself, the more I feel like I'm following the advice of a man that I specifically told myself not to listen to due to the emotional harm he caused me. And I'm once again becoming very afraid of taking well-intentioned advice the wrong way and damaging myself much much further.
 
I'm pretty sure don't have a single viable source of emotional support anymore except for the one that I still have to wait a week before I can talk to them.
 
last night I had a migraine and forgot that I had put a can of pop in the freezer to cool down before I went to sleep it off

apparently it exploded in the freezer and my roommate found it before I did

and I got a passive aggressive text about it and now I feel like absolute garbage and I don't know how to reply to it
like Jesus how fucking dumb am I. how do I even apologize.
 
It's still more than a month away but I really don't want to visit my family.

It's going to be loud, full of Family Drama, snarky comments about my hair colour, (I like wacky, vibrant colours; I don't like my natural colour and I shouldn't have to explain my coping mechanisms to you) and way too personal questions (you may be my family, but that does not give you the right to ask for details about my sex life or if I'm sleeping with my roommates, Jesus fucking Christ) including questions about my love life (or lack thereof).

Like, I don't mind telling them if I'm seeing someone, but I'm an intensely private person and some of the questions they ask are really inappropriate and uncomfortable (re: see my last point about asking about my sex life).

And then they wonder why I'm uncomfortable and don't want to tell them things!
 
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Me: Today is going to be fine. I have lots of homework to do, but I've been steadily working on it throughout the weekend, so I don't feel like I've been putting anything off. If I work hard, I think I can get through it all. Assuming there's no unforeseen force that saps my energy for whatever reason and makes it much harder to be productive -- but what thing could that possibly be?

My Uterus: Lol you forgot what day it is didn't you.
 
Yes, A, I know that I got to sleep stupidly late. However it was not for lack of trying and I'd really appreciate it if you could not give me shit for something I can't control.

I've always had a broken sleep cycle; fuck off, I'm dangerously close to tears.

(Also, it's Sunday. By unspoken rule I should be allowed to do whatever I want with my weekend. If that means sleeping all day, then I will. It's not hurting anybody.)
 
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If my roommates could stop waking me up 9 times out of 10, that would be fantastic. Holy shit, please be quiet.
 
I'm tired.

I'm just... tired of it all.
 
This is still a really stupid thing to be so hung up over. Especially with how long it's already been. Ugh.
 
Goddammit. Just this once, I thought. Just this once, I can say "fuck it" and do the thing that I used to find so satisfying, so relaxing, and so good at keeping me busy -- because I'm freaking out again and I need something to distract my thoughts, and that one thing would be perfect right about now.

But no!! Now it just!! Makes me feel so much worse!!!!!

And now I'm just plain mad at myself. I'm in this situation now, because I fucked up. And now I'm making it worse for myself, because I'm continuing to fuck up.

Dammit. I'm not going to get enough sleep tonight, am I? Fuck...
 
Now I'm just plain afraid to gravitate towards anything that seems appealing, anything that feels right, because so often those things are just unhealthy habits in disguise, and for some reason I just can't tell any of these things apart.

At the same time, though, I don't want to purposefully avoid everything that feels right and instead just make myself miserable under the guise of "self-discipline", because that's led me down a very dark road once before...

But if doing seemingly-good things is bad, and blatantly treating myself badly is... also bad, then what am I even supposed to do with myself???



Answer: Scream at the forums, apparently. Because my attempt to distract myself worked out so well.
 
Wednesday morning. That's not even two days from now. Barely even a day and a half. Really I just have to hold out one more full day.

...And then the waiting game will just start all over again, because surely the first session is only going to scratch the surface of my dysfunctional brain, lolol.
 
There are several reasons why I should not be as tired as I am right now...
 
*breathing deeply* Tomorrow morning... tomorrow morning... I'll be ok... I can last till then... don't freak out now... it'll be fine...
 
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