RANT Your Brains Out #98274

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oh look I overwhelmed myself again

*exaggerated farting noises*

I was doing so well too, how do I always manage to do this to myself. : (
 
I love him.

More than I love my life and more than I loved anyone else in my entire life I love him. He lives in a different state and lives away from his family, has a good life where he is. I have a life where I am at, and I can't leave either. If I do, I leave every friend I've ever had. But without him my life feels meaningless. It hurts not being able to be with you but neither of us can disrupt our lives to live with one another.

I love him, but I know that he deserves to be happy in his own live.


We said 'I love you' for the first time and I can't savour it like everyone else can. I've never felt torn in half like this before.
 
Why did I insist I was ok and didn't need a therapist when my doctor suggested referring me to one.

I don't know why I said that.

I am not ok. ;_;
 
I fucking hate banks.

I FUCKING HATE BANKS.

I was originally $19 in OD. Okay, fine manageable. Good Guy Paypal hits my account for, then refunds about $20 in two transactions. Accompanying each NSF refund was a FUCKING $48 REFUND CHARGE FROM THE BANK. Now I'm $115 in the red. Go fucking shoot yourself, BMO.
 
I miss my mom.
I miss talking to her, asking her questions, the way she made me feel better when I was sick, and her cooking. The way we watched movies.

Sometimes I get really sad and think about the past, this is one of these times.

I miss my mom.
 
Yes, I have a terrible drinking problem. I have since I was a kid and it's not changing any time soon.


Why do I drink?

To forget how much pain I am in.
To forget how shitty my family is.
To forget that I am alone.
To forget everything, it helps me cope with things I never could before. I can't handle any of this anymore.

Honestly, drinking is the only time I am happy.
 
I sleep too much and it's not the "good kind" of sleep too much like "Oh, I slept an hour later than when I usually get up no worries". I sleep until twelve or even two in the afternoon. Then, when I get up, my body is groggy and drowsy (and with all things considered, I want to go back to sleep)- not exactly a good sign. When I wake up that late, I don't even feel like eating or drinking anything. I just feel so exhausted, so tired. I feel like shit. I need to stop playing on my phone at night (but that's difficult, really difficult) and I wish any kind of thought would just stop running through my head. My brother needs to be quiet at night too.
 
I love my roommates, I do, but holy fuck it's like as soon as A's awake, D forgets they have another roommate who's still trying to sleep and things like 'quiet' and 'volume control' fly out the fucking window. Nine times out of ten, I wake up to her yelling or screeching.

Like on the one hand, I don't think she's doing it on purpose, I think she forgets that I'm not a heavy sleeper, but like, its a small apartment, she doesn't need to yell either.

I could say something about it, but I know it won't do anything in the long run besides make her feel hurt and, again, I know she's not doing it on purpose.
 
I've managed to fuck up my right knee again

I don't know how. The only thing I can think of that would've put large amounts of stress on my knees the last few days is when I did laundry - all that stopping and going while I maneuvered doors. Yeah... yeah, that's probably what did it actually. Constant stopping and going is hard on my legs at the best of times and I didn't have my crutches for balance, just a cart that I needed both hands for. And of course because my right side is my weaker side, that's the one that's still aching. This freezing ass weather probably isn't helping either.
 
I shouldn't have said anything.
 
It kind of gets to me sometimes how I'm not really smart. No matter how much I try to learn, or read up on things, research... I just feel really stupid. Nothing stays except fluff. I'll remember the silliest things that others forget. But useful stuff? Important things? Nope, gone with the wind.

Sigh. It's stupid, I know. What a thing to get down about. But when I'm surrounded by smart people all the time, it's hard not to feel dumb. :<
 
[spoili]Gaaaaaaaaaaaargh x.x

I keep doing this to myself. I keep thinking someone actually WANTS to be my friend because of, well, ME. Not just stupid flipping roleplays. Nope, nope, nope. As long as there's no roleplay to talk about, no message from 'friend' either.

WELL x.x. fine. [/spoili]
 
What am I? Is there an I? Am I aware of my own consciousness, or is that confirmation bias talking? Do I really choose anything besides the actions "laid out for us to walk in"? What awaits me when entropy gets the better if this body?

Can I trust He will recieve me?

My own lack of understanding figuratively kills me.
 
if I could stop being given conflicting instructions at work that'd be great

"oh you can listen to music/youtube as long as it's quiet"

a month later, from someone else

"nope you shouldn't be playing it at all"

which is it

my job has changed so much over the past two years I have no fucking idea what I can and cannot do anymore
 
I try to be a good little wife, I really do. I get on my husband about how and what he eats all the time. Not in a nagging way that he'd want to ignore me, but with little suggestions like he try some of the turkey bacon I make the kids, or we eat more chicken rather than beef. So when he tells me the doctor said his cholesterol was high, it kind of feels like a slap in the face. I've been warning him for months, but does he listen? Noooo! "I'd rather die happy than healthy" is his stupid motto every time I make suggestions. Now that the doctor says something, he's all about changing his diet. Why the fuck is a doctor's opinion more important than mine?!?! She doesn't have to live with him for the next 30-40 years, I do! Guhhhh! Some days I swear I don't understand how I haven't suffocated him with a pillow in his sleep.
 
not sure what my dad's deal is with me filling out a job application at publix. if it's there in front of me, why not update it to get it over with? why do you have to be all "i didn't think you were going to do this right now"? why can't you just suck it up and be patient? it's not that hard or slow to update a job application. stop thinking about yourself for once and think about how i need a job and it'd probably be a good idea to update it when i can. i don't know what your whole "logic" is for this, but i really didn't appreciate you complaining to me like that when you know i need a job and i've told you this before.

on another note, what a lovely ending to the day. my brother not letting me have peace and quiet when i do my business.
 
Why is it so bad to want a place I can fucking breathe in? I've got a pot smoker downstairs, leaky ass windows making the whole god damn apartment cold....and apparently a shit heater that doesn't do anything but heat the bathroom! Fucking hell.
 
Ugh this damn place seems like it was made in the 1700's or something. Everything breaks down or is worn out, now I got to sit and freeze my ass off in this house because my heat won't work. I just want to burn this house to the ground and watch it go tumbling down.
 
a tumblr post that puts my current feelings beautifully

  • brain: hey, hey friend, it looks like youve started to commit to some long-term goals
  • me: yes i am working towards a happy future
  • brain: feels bad, doesnt it
  • me:
  • brain: feels like responsibility
  • me: please-
  • brain: feels like we should destroy all our progress and run away to a new life in the woods
  • me: (softly) please
  • brain: *already burning bridges* cant hear you mate
 
  • Bucket of Rainbows
Reactions: AmethystWallflower and Vyzwx
Opal said:
a tumblr post that puts my current feelings beautifully

  • brain: hey, hey friend, it looks like youve started to commit to some long-term goals
  • me: yes i am working towards a happy future
  • brain: feels bad, doesnt it
  • me:
  • brain: feels like responsibility
  • me: please-
  • brain: feels like we should destroy all our progress and run away to a new life in the woods
  • me: (softly) please
  • brain: *already burning bridges* cant hear you mate
Click to expand...
Same... :/
 
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